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Son with no self-control/diagnosed add/possible aspergers
I am at a loss for our son. We have him in therapy and it does not seem to help. What do you do with a child who takes no responsibility for actions, no self control, doesn't follow rules (home or otherwise), makes people mad on purpose, doesn't follow through with instructions for chores, ignores requests, cannot make friends because he annoys them, desires friendships but has none because they can't stand his behaviors, is rigid in thinking, argues everything, will not follow through with instruction,and this year he got so fixated on a disagreement over a violation of his religious rights that when she wouldn't budge he burnt himself, then they call children services to investigate. We have other children and we are afraid his choices or whatever is going on with him is putting our family at risk and himself. If you compliment any progress he will sabatoge it. We have done rewards, consequences, contracts, charts, grounding,severe discipline times, light discipline times and he is on Concerta and zoloft. It is like he needs the supervison of a toddler. This is overwhelming and exhausting on our family. He can be fun but will ruin it by starting arguments or getting handsy with people or name call. He takes everything personally. Therapy does not seem to be working. What can we do?
I just went back and read the postings in more detail. Does your county offer any "Developmental Support" funds? I was able to tap into them in my county and it "bought" me service hours from several behavioral analysts - they were great in providing the best advice since they see so many kinds of behaviors. Don't lose confidence in yourself - and if you feel you have explored it all - as the great Mom I am sure you are - then let yourself think about what is best for your family. These are hard issues with no clearcut answers and it would be great as parents if each child could come with instructions. :)
I haven't had the time to read all the mesages but it sounds like you are in the boat I was in when my son was 15 - he is now 20. I do know how very hard it is when you have exhausted so many routes - as you have. My son's behaviors were so severe that he ended up in a state juvenile facility from age 16 to 17 1/2.
Just a thought - do you think it would help to form sort of an "advisory council" of family and professionals you trust and get a concensus on their thoughts about your son - maybe some advixe from them? It might help you sort through these past few months - I am sure you are mentally and physically exhausted.
All the best.
Just a thought - do you think it would help to form sort of an "advisory council" of family and professionals you trust and get a concensus on their thoughts about your son - maybe some advixe from them? It might help you sort through these past few months - I am sure you are mentally and physically exhausted.
All the best.
I have been mad also when other kids have hit my kids, so yes I understand that perspective remember I have more children who are not like him and part of my frustration is because I hate the thought of my kid hurting someone else, unacceptable. My answer to his med situation isn't necessarily to add but maybe even take away or just change. I wish he didn't need meds and was anti-med, obviously I waited till 4th grade before giving in and all natural options not helping. I do not tell the dr. what to prescribe, I bring in reports from teachers and tell what things go on at home. As for concerta and zoloft counteracting each other, I do not know but the combo helps just not sure it helps enough or maybe not right combo. As far as driving goes, that is a privilege and behavior would have to be different and a pattern of good choices and responisble behavior for us to even consider helping him get on the road.Is he involved in activities? Yes he is involved in church and helps in the kitchen when they have conferences and such, which he enjoys. We told him he needed to commit to at least one after school activity and he chose chess club which he will start this week, It will be 2 days a week. We told him as behavior would improve we would pay for him some animation classes because he loves to draw. He tends to have a pattern of being zealous to start but interest is no sustained, which in our house the rule has been if you start you must finish, but you do not have to do again if you did not like it. His social behaviors have always been there, which for a long time I just thought maybe he was a bad kid, because he is always disciplined and is never off the hook for his behaviors. Now that he is a teenager it just seems worse or just less tolerable because more is expected of him at this age. As consisitant as his behaviors have been we have been just as consistant to redirect, talk with, reason with, and discipline. We have never told him it was okay and have always made his apologize to anyone his behavior has affected. As far as code words to help him, done that and do that he chooses to ignore for whatever reason. As I say we have tried and do many things suggested. This child does not respond to these things. Yes we have tried them for more than a week or month with understanding some things take time to see results. Boxing and karate would be great however knowing my kid, would you really want him to know how to fight, at this point he doesn't physically fight he annoys others till they hit him and he can play victim or throw something at them. The bus driver did say the other boy was goating him but my son needed to use self-control. She is correct and he was disciplined for this. However, do you think a child who picks on someone because they can get them mad should be consequenced? Or is it just the child with an anger problem. Speaking of anger problem, we have addressed this in therapy and he says he is not and we haven't gotten to any thing that would maybe be the root of any anger as of yet.
We have talked with him and continue to talk with him at his age level. He says he doesn't like the pills but does admit he has better days when he takes care of them. There have been times when he has forgotten them and has called home to ask me to bring them to him to take. I sometimes do and sometimes I won't because if he recognizes he needs them than it is his responsibility to make sure he takes them. He is ridiculed at school most things he brings on himself but somethings it just kids picking on him. We have dr appts this week that will give us diagnosis. As of right now we know he has adhd. I don't know what experience you have with any children with behavioral problems and to what extent those behavioral problems are. But, my son is above average INTELLECTUALLY but way below average SOCIALLY which is where his problems are. How can he be so smart and not grasp these things ? That is our question? We must do something right because our other children respond to talking and discipline, there is just something with him.
We have talked with him and continue to talk with him at his age level. He says he doesn't like the pills but does admit he has better days when he takes care of them. There have been times when he has forgotten them and has called home to ask me to bring them to him to take. I sometimes do and sometimes I won't because if he recognizes he needs them than it is his responsibility to make sure he takes them. He is ridiculed at school most things he brings on himself but somethings it just kids picking on him. We have dr appts this week that will give us diagnosis. As of right now we know he has adhd. I don't know what experience you have with any children with behavioral problems and to what extent those behavioral problems are. But, my son is above average INTELLECTUALLY but way below average SOCIALLY which is where his problems are. How can he be so smart and not grasp these things ? That is our question? We must do something right because our other children respond to talking and discipline, there is just something with him.
i am not big on medications curing all our problems, i am also not a doctor so have no idea what kind of things they could test for. I just dont understand the situation for what you wrote. how did it get to this point? what was his actions like before he was 15. what are your response to his actions? do you ignore most of it, or do you constant remind him what the rules are? do you spend time communicating with him? is he mentally able to understand what you are saying? And please believe me i am not trying to bash you in any way.
the main thing that came across to was this kid has an anger issue and what in the world is he so angry about. you are right, your son has no self control, why does he think it is okay to act out like that incident on the bus, not only would i be horrified if my 15 yr old acted out that way (and would start driving him to school myself) but i also be very upset if that was my child your son hit. And i would not have been satisified with your excuse that your son forgot to take his medication that morning. if that was my child your son hit, i would be hell fire mad and would want your son off the bus and out of the school. I only say this to give you the prespictive of what other people think. is he a danger to other people? and what did your son have to say about why he hit the boy? that he did it because the boy was"making him mad" and "would not leave him alone", and when you told him that is not right to lash out at people, what did your son say? if he is above average, i dont understand why he doesnt understand his actions are wrong and undesireable. but that is not what i came on to say....
i actually was wondering besides school and home, does he have any other activities to do, after school programs, sports, or church activities? possiblity a job? with his behavior i can see he probably is not on the football team, but have you considered maybe some other type of sport? maybe karate classes, or boxing which might even help him be more responsible and self control which in turn might eventually making friends. or some other type of class or activity where there are other children his age, but the class/activity doesnt have much interaction between them, that way they cant get annoyed by what he says or does at first, plus it gives him something in common with other kids. what does he do activily, to vent, to hit out, to exercise, to move, get some of that frustration out, to get tired out from activities?
another thing i thought, was maybe this kid is just bored. is it possible school is too easy for him? you did not mention what his grades are.
you said "He can be fun but will ruin it by starting arguments or getting handsy with people or name call. He takes everything personally" i am sure you tell him you dont mean it to personally and maybe between you and your son you can come up with some kind of code word that tells him when he is getting to that annoy part and he needs to stop. maybe he is just thinking that he is being funny and pushing it too far, if you can say something that will tell him to stop it might make thing more "fun" for the whole family.
okay so he is on "Concerta was for adhd and the zoloft was prescribed because he gets vocal tics on stimulants", i might be wrong here, but concerta is a stimulant for adhd (right?) and because he gets vocal tics you are giving him an anti-depressant? dont that counteract each other? you have had this poor boy on medication and therapy since the 4th grade? you also said they are not working, so you want to get him tested and put him on MORE drugs and therapy?
what is his response to all this? it is his life and he is old enough to be responsible and understand what you are saying even if he is not acting responsible.
again, i am not trying to put you down. i hope that i was able to give you something new to think about. and possibly some new angles to try. raising children is not easy, but i commend you for just the simple fact that you are trying to find an answer. i might just be in a whole different playing field since i still cant figure out exactly what your son has? besides adhd, and possible but not proven autism, you didnt mention anything else, but i possibly might be barking up the wrong tree.
Good luck to you and God Bless.
the main thing that came across to was this kid has an anger issue and what in the world is he so angry about. you are right, your son has no self control, why does he think it is okay to act out like that incident on the bus, not only would i be horrified if my 15 yr old acted out that way (and would start driving him to school myself) but i also be very upset if that was my child your son hit. And i would not have been satisified with your excuse that your son forgot to take his medication that morning. if that was my child your son hit, i would be hell fire mad and would want your son off the bus and out of the school. I only say this to give you the prespictive of what other people think. is he a danger to other people? and what did your son have to say about why he hit the boy? that he did it because the boy was"making him mad" and "would not leave him alone", and when you told him that is not right to lash out at people, what did your son say? if he is above average, i dont understand why he doesnt understand his actions are wrong and undesireable. but that is not what i came on to say....
i actually was wondering besides school and home, does he have any other activities to do, after school programs, sports, or church activities? possiblity a job? with his behavior i can see he probably is not on the football team, but have you considered maybe some other type of sport? maybe karate classes, or boxing which might even help him be more responsible and self control which in turn might eventually making friends. or some other type of class or activity where there are other children his age, but the class/activity doesnt have much interaction between them, that way they cant get annoyed by what he says or does at first, plus it gives him something in common with other kids. what does he do activily, to vent, to hit out, to exercise, to move, get some of that frustration out, to get tired out from activities?
another thing i thought, was maybe this kid is just bored. is it possible school is too easy for him? you did not mention what his grades are.
you said "He can be fun but will ruin it by starting arguments or getting handsy with people or name call. He takes everything personally" i am sure you tell him you dont mean it to personally and maybe between you and your son you can come up with some kind of code word that tells him when he is getting to that annoy part and he needs to stop. maybe he is just thinking that he is being funny and pushing it too far, if you can say something that will tell him to stop it might make thing more "fun" for the whole family.
okay so he is on "Concerta was for adhd and the zoloft was prescribed because he gets vocal tics on stimulants", i might be wrong here, but concerta is a stimulant for adhd (right?) and because he gets vocal tics you are giving him an anti-depressant? dont that counteract each other? you have had this poor boy on medication and therapy since the 4th grade? you also said they are not working, so you want to get him tested and put him on MORE drugs and therapy?
what is his response to all this? it is his life and he is old enough to be responsible and understand what you are saying even if he is not acting responsible.
again, i am not trying to put you down. i hope that i was able to give you something new to think about. and possibly some new angles to try. raising children is not easy, but i commend you for just the simple fact that you are trying to find an answer. i might just be in a whole different playing field since i still cant figure out exactly what your son has? besides adhd, and possible but not proven autism, you didnt mention anything else, but i possibly might be barking up the wrong tree.
Good luck to you and God Bless.
Thank you for your help. I will read up more on the ODD. He has an above average IQ which is another dilemma. He does have an IEP and this is the first year he qualified for one after having been tested 2 times before. I got the number of a advocate before we had our last IEP meeting and she never called back. Starting to feel helpless. The dilemma with his IQ is he can do the work in the classes, but in our school district it was explained to me if he goes in to a behavioral or emotionally handicapped class setting then he will not receive a diploma and he knows that means in our state you will not get into a college without a core40 diploma. He got a one day suspension from the bus for today because on friday he threw a empty pop bottle at a boy on the bus that was "making him mad" and "would not leave him alone", I mentioned to her that he did not get his meds that morning and she said that was no excuse. Which to me it is not an excuse, just an explanation of why he may have done that on this day and other days he has not. He answer to me was maybe he needs to ride the special needs bus. Instead of my suggestion of having him sit right behind her so that she can see and hear him at all times.
To a point I get frustrated because schools push medicate you kids with the thought that it will be better, and it usually is. But if they miss it and their behavior is bad that day they say it does not excuse it and punish them just the same even knowing the medication helps.
I do feel like I am on the defensive of our parenting and we do not know any other parents who deal with this.
I will keep you posted what the dr. says.
I have a few questions whether abilify would work for my son, only because the concerta causes vocal tics, and I have heard abilify can cause irreversable involuntary body movements.
Is your child on concerta or other meds with abilify?
To a point I get frustrated because schools push medicate you kids with the thought that it will be better, and it usually is. But if they miss it and their behavior is bad that day they say it does not excuse it and punish them just the same even knowing the medication helps.
I do feel like I am on the defensive of our parenting and we do not know any other parents who deal with this.
I will keep you posted what the dr. says.
I have a few questions whether abilify would work for my son, only because the concerta causes vocal tics, and I have heard abilify can cause irreversable involuntary body movements.
Is your child on concerta or other meds with abilify?
My son is taking abilify for his moods and it has been a miracle. I have heard so much about applied behavior working for these kids but it is also expensive and insurance does not cover it. I cannot wait until the world wakes up and realizes it would be easier and cheaper to help our children at a young age instead of institutionalizing them as adults.
The school should have him on an IEP (Individual Education Plan) with a behavior plan in place. You can ask them at any time to evaluate your son. If they have been kicking him out due to behaviors they have to show where they have tried to help him. If their behavior plan doesn't help him then they will have to change it until it does. We have been fighting them for 3 years and have learned a lot in the process. We have come along ways but the public school in our area is not very knowledgeable about working with children with behaviors. For some reason they feel the child can control all of their behaviors and they choose to get in trouble. They will not tell you your rights but there are child advocates that will help you defend your child if needed.
I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this and most people will not have a clue the stress that you are under. I know you love your son or you would have given up along time ago. Do you know any other parents in a similar situation that you can vent with? I find that to be more helpful than anything else. Talking to average people with normal children can make things worse because then I find myself defending my parenting skills instead of sharing ideas that might work.
I would read up on Oppositional Defiant because you have described that to a T. If you are not happy will the evaluation that you get, you can always get a second opinion. Parents know their children better than anyone else and we have to be their advocate all of their lives. Researching as much as you can will help you get DRs. to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Does your son have any delays or is his IQ in the normal range? Good Luck and I am looking forward to hear what you find out from his latest eval. I find all of these different diagnoses interesting and I love to hear what works because I am also up for trying whatever will work for these kids.
The school should have him on an IEP (Individual Education Plan) with a behavior plan in place. You can ask them at any time to evaluate your son. If they have been kicking him out due to behaviors they have to show where they have tried to help him. If their behavior plan doesn't help him then they will have to change it until it does. We have been fighting them for 3 years and have learned a lot in the process. We have come along ways but the public school in our area is not very knowledgeable about working with children with behaviors. For some reason they feel the child can control all of their behaviors and they choose to get in trouble. They will not tell you your rights but there are child advocates that will help you defend your child if needed.
I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this and most people will not have a clue the stress that you are under. I know you love your son or you would have given up along time ago. Do you know any other parents in a similar situation that you can vent with? I find that to be more helpful than anything else. Talking to average people with normal children can make things worse because then I find myself defending my parenting skills instead of sharing ideas that might work.
I would read up on Oppositional Defiant because you have described that to a T. If you are not happy will the evaluation that you get, you can always get a second opinion. Parents know their children better than anyone else and we have to be their advocate all of their lives. Researching as much as you can will help you get DRs. to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Does your son have any delays or is his IQ in the normal range? Good Luck and I am looking forward to hear what you find out from his latest eval. I find all of these different diagnoses interesting and I love to hear what works because I am also up for trying whatever will work for these kids.
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