Aa
cant control 5 kids - help
I am a mother of 2 girls. I am with a guy who has 3 kids. The ages of the kids are 6, 4.5, 4, 3, and 1.5 I stay at home with all of them so my bf can go to work. His kids have had a rough life with their mother, she abused them trumendously and now we have behavior issues all the time here. At first it was just stealing food, cuz she didn't feed them. Now it's progressing into lying, stealing, and hurting the others in the family. I can't take it any more. His kids don't listen 6, 4.5 and 3 no matter what I tell them they say ok, then do the opposite of what i said to do. My 4 year old is now not listening and following in their footsteps. I have tried listening to their problems and anything they want to talk about, I have yelled and spanked. Nothing is working. Everything to these kids is a game. THey think it's funny or just don't care about anything. I don't know what to do, I can't get them to listen and do what i ask of them, they ignore me and they just don't care. When you are saying something serious about doing something or to stop hurting the baby she just smiles. I can't stand it anymore!! and advice on helping them listen better and mind, or helping them care about themselves or others would be greatly appreciated! Just today, 2 of his kids were running in the street and didn't care that I told them not to and that it wasn't safe. I went to the store and the oldest tried stealing from walmart! while we are in the car, all they do is play fight like pulling hair, hitting, slamming heads into the door, pulling down pants, everything and more that annoys you while you drive. only ten times as bad.
You need to find a new counselor. I personally don't believe you should be letting a 4 year old meet alone with a counselor and then have the counselor that what they say is secret. I could understand this maybe if the child was a teen or even if they suspected abuse and were trying to protect the child. You need to find a family counselor who will include you and your husband.
I agree with the doctor. You need to have more order in your home and a schedule would help a lot. I think the children have way too much free time where they are just running around getting into mischief because they're bored. Try posting a schedule on a wall the children can see that will show them what to expect throughout the day. Also consider a reward chart or jars for each child to put tokens or something like that in when they're good and mind. They lose their tokens or stickers when they don't mind. At their age, since they're so young, make the chart with pictures that they can understand. Let them help you with chores but make it fun! Let them bake with you, or give them a rag to dust or help vacuum and then make it a race. If they beat the clock, they get a sticker or whatever. My friend's kids are really into Pokemon so she bought a huge bunch of cards used from someone for like $5 for 300 cards and she gives them a Pokemon card when they do well. One time they couldn't find her little one's shoes and they were getting ready to go out the door. Instead of getting stressed, she challanged them that whoever found his shoes first would get a Pokemon card. They all raced off! She has 4 boys, too, so she has her hands full too. Just try to make a game of things and involve them in your everyday things. When you go to the grocery store, give each child a paper with a few items (or picutres) on it and ask them to help you find these items. Keeping them busy and making them feel important will do a lot with helping control the misbehavior. Get creative. You may have to come up with ideas the night before while they're sleeping, but it's better to plan things with this many young ones. Even the little ones can help take down laundry to the washer. Give them little jobs and praise them and reward them.
Also make a point of doing fun things with them. Play games with them, take them to the park, etc. For those days you are just feeling overwhelmed and need a day off, I recommend checking out a local daycare center and consider using them once in awhile for drop in care. Sometimes just being able to take a day off once in awhile refreshes us enough that we can continue on and have more patience. Don't allow yourself to get so overwhelmed and stressed that you are taking it out on the children. Find a good babysitter or daycare for those days you need a break.
And last of all, but by no means least! Make a point of having a date night with your boyfriend once a week if you can swing it. If money's tight, at least once a month. You need to have some alone time with just you where you can rejuvenate and you also need alone time with your boyfriend if you want any hope of being able to maintain this relationship.
I know it's hard with this many kids. I hope I've helped in a small way. Make that date night! :)
Best wishes.
I agree with the doctor. You need to have more order in your home and a schedule would help a lot. I think the children have way too much free time where they are just running around getting into mischief because they're bored. Try posting a schedule on a wall the children can see that will show them what to expect throughout the day. Also consider a reward chart or jars for each child to put tokens or something like that in when they're good and mind. They lose their tokens or stickers when they don't mind. At their age, since they're so young, make the chart with pictures that they can understand. Let them help you with chores but make it fun! Let them bake with you, or give them a rag to dust or help vacuum and then make it a race. If they beat the clock, they get a sticker or whatever. My friend's kids are really into Pokemon so she bought a huge bunch of cards used from someone for like $5 for 300 cards and she gives them a Pokemon card when they do well. One time they couldn't find her little one's shoes and they were getting ready to go out the door. Instead of getting stressed, she challanged them that whoever found his shoes first would get a Pokemon card. They all raced off! She has 4 boys, too, so she has her hands full too. Just try to make a game of things and involve them in your everyday things. When you go to the grocery store, give each child a paper with a few items (or picutres) on it and ask them to help you find these items. Keeping them busy and making them feel important will do a lot with helping control the misbehavior. Get creative. You may have to come up with ideas the night before while they're sleeping, but it's better to plan things with this many young ones. Even the little ones can help take down laundry to the washer. Give them little jobs and praise them and reward them.
Also make a point of doing fun things with them. Play games with them, take them to the park, etc. For those days you are just feeling overwhelmed and need a day off, I recommend checking out a local daycare center and consider using them once in awhile for drop in care. Sometimes just being able to take a day off once in awhile refreshes us enough that we can continue on and have more patience. Don't allow yourself to get so overwhelmed and stressed that you are taking it out on the children. Find a good babysitter or daycare for those days you need a break.
And last of all, but by no means least! Make a point of having a date night with your boyfriend once a week if you can swing it. If money's tight, at least once a month. You need to have some alone time with just you where you can rejuvenate and you also need alone time with your boyfriend if you want any hope of being able to maintain this relationship.
I know it's hard with this many kids. I hope I've helped in a small way. Make that date night! :)
Best wishes.
Ya, we have a new problem in the past couple days. The 2 4 year olds and the 3 year old have been running around the house in their undies only. I catch them and tell them to put on clothes and either they listen and then take off their clothes again a few minutes later, or just ignore me and keep doing what they are.
I kinda had a feeling that maybe they were experimenting with eachother during these times, but haven't caught anything. Usually when I'm making lunch or breakfast, or busy with other house work. Everytime I catch them without clothes I explain that it isn't ok and they need to put their clothes back on. To remind you, the 3 year old is a boy, the others are girls.
Now today, I have caught them without their clothes, they say they are playing swimming. I ask why they are doing these things without clothes and there isn't an answer. Untill one of the girls steps up and says that the oldest (6) has taken a couple strands out of a fiber-optic light and they have been poking eachother with them in the butt, and "weenie, or pee place" I ask questions and don't get answers.
THis isn't the first time we've delt with exploration of the genitals before. When we lived with my sister for a few months, she also has 2 boys. One 3 and the other almost 2. The boys had to pee so they went out side. the 4 and 4.5 girls were out there. the 4 hasn't ever seen anything like that so she was shocked that they could do that. The 4.5 went over and grabbed my sisters sons winky. We yelled, punished, asked questions. and she was terrified to talk, finally she said she was showing him how to "shake it off" Once I got her talking she had said some shocking things. I didn't know what to believe or think. Later I asked her about them again she gave a different story. So I don't know if she was fibbing, or just kinda making things up. She has since watched and helped her brother pee, grabbed him a few other times. and now this.... what am I to do... I feel like all I can do is get a good child psychologist and hope for the best. We had started counseling before we moved but had to quit because of the move to a bigger house, outside of my sisters family. Not only that but I didn't like the lady working with brittany the 4.5 year old. the first time she got her away from me she had told her that anything said or done in that room was a secret and couldn't tell anyone not even me or her dad. To me anytime you tell a child there is a secret between them and you, there is something going on. I know she's a professional, but how am I supposed to help fix problems and know what's going on if they don't tell me anything? Also this lady wasn't the best with children, didn't seem to interact with them the way I had expected. We had talked to another psychologist before and he was great, the language he used with them, got them to think about things and all that stuff. I totally trusted him, but he referred us to a place where they do the play therapy...
any suggestions of what to do now? I don't know how to handle what I was told today
I kinda had a feeling that maybe they were experimenting with eachother during these times, but haven't caught anything. Usually when I'm making lunch or breakfast, or busy with other house work. Everytime I catch them without clothes I explain that it isn't ok and they need to put their clothes back on. To remind you, the 3 year old is a boy, the others are girls.
Now today, I have caught them without their clothes, they say they are playing swimming. I ask why they are doing these things without clothes and there isn't an answer. Untill one of the girls steps up and says that the oldest (6) has taken a couple strands out of a fiber-optic light and they have been poking eachother with them in the butt, and "weenie, or pee place" I ask questions and don't get answers.
THis isn't the first time we've delt with exploration of the genitals before. When we lived with my sister for a few months, she also has 2 boys. One 3 and the other almost 2. The boys had to pee so they went out side. the 4 and 4.5 girls were out there. the 4 hasn't ever seen anything like that so she was shocked that they could do that. The 4.5 went over and grabbed my sisters sons winky. We yelled, punished, asked questions. and she was terrified to talk, finally she said she was showing him how to "shake it off" Once I got her talking she had said some shocking things. I didn't know what to believe or think. Later I asked her about them again she gave a different story. So I don't know if she was fibbing, or just kinda making things up. She has since watched and helped her brother pee, grabbed him a few other times. and now this.... what am I to do... I feel like all I can do is get a good child psychologist and hope for the best. We had started counseling before we moved but had to quit because of the move to a bigger house, outside of my sisters family. Not only that but I didn't like the lady working with brittany the 4.5 year old. the first time she got her away from me she had told her that anything said or done in that room was a secret and couldn't tell anyone not even me or her dad. To me anytime you tell a child there is a secret between them and you, there is something going on. I know she's a professional, but how am I supposed to help fix problems and know what's going on if they don't tell me anything? Also this lady wasn't the best with children, didn't seem to interact with them the way I had expected. We had talked to another psychologist before and he was great, the language he used with them, got them to think about things and all that stuff. I totally trusted him, but he referred us to a place where they do the play therapy...
any suggestions of what to do now? I don't know how to handle what I was told today
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Parenting five young children would be a challenge, even if they had not faced the inadequate early experiences you described. The situation sounds pretty chaotic and it invites instituting some structure and some systematic ways of approaching the behavior. The most effective way of instituting structure in a family setting is throuh the routines of the day (waking up, meal times, bedtime). One of the respondents mentioned the television show Nanny 911. Well, as those of you who have watched this show have noticed, essentially what the nanny does is help parents simplify routines and increase the amount of structure in the home. Now, this is easier said than done when you have such a large number of young children. It would be beneficial if you had the benefit of a parent aide in the home for a short while. You might investigate the local child welfare agency about such a resopurce. Even if it's not avaialble for free, it might well be worth the short-term expense. To help you understand what I mean by systematic behavior management, I refer you to Lynn Clark's very useful book about managing childhood behavior. The title of the book is SOS Help for Parents. Finally, seek help through the local child guidance clinic or family service agency.
I'm the mother of seven children, and I have some practical advice: first, decide which particular behavior is causing the most trouble, and focus on that one. Then, when you feel it's under control, move on to the next.
One way to focus on the problem is to make them practice the good behavior you're trying to teach them. So for example, if the problem you're focusing on is that they don't come when you call them, explain to them, "Soon I'm going to call you, and I want you to come to me right away." Then if the child ignores you, take her by the shoulders and lead her to you. Then explain, "Soon I'm going to call you again, and I want you to come right away." Repeat over and over.
I think sometimes children get in the habit of ignoring a parent's instructions, and then everything falls apart. The first thing to do is to teach them to listen to you.
Another technique I've found helpful is to touch the child when you're trying to get his attention--put your hand on her shoulder, or stroke her cheek. It's a signal for her to focus on what you're telling her, so as to set your voice apart from the background noise.
I think it's great that you're so committed to these children, and I hope you get past this hard time soon.
One way to focus on the problem is to make them practice the good behavior you're trying to teach them. So for example, if the problem you're focusing on is that they don't come when you call them, explain to them, "Soon I'm going to call you, and I want you to come to me right away." Then if the child ignores you, take her by the shoulders and lead her to you. Then explain, "Soon I'm going to call you again, and I want you to come right away." Repeat over and over.
I think sometimes children get in the habit of ignoring a parent's instructions, and then everything falls apart. The first thing to do is to teach them to listen to you.
Another technique I've found helpful is to touch the child when you're trying to get his attention--put your hand on her shoulder, or stroke her cheek. It's a signal for her to focus on what you're telling her, so as to set your voice apart from the background noise.
I think it's great that you're so committed to these children, and I hope you get past this hard time soon.
Thanks althepal39 I'm glad that someone is behind me on this. My family keeps telling me that I'm crazy, and who could handle 5 kids during the day by themselves. THey don't seem to understand that not only do I love Steve, but I also love his kids. Yes they are very hard to handle, but isn't that what love is about. Making things liveable for everyone involved. I love these kids, and I know they love me as well. I know that it's been hard for them, but we have talked many times about the things their mom did to them, and how they feel. I know that even tho she put them in a hard place by hurting them they still love her, and always will. That's what parents are for. But on that same note, they see me as their mom, and are just having a rough time with things right now. They've just had change over change in their lives, it's time for something solid and consistant. I bought a dvd of love and logic, and I have 3 of their books, so hopefully even if I don't have time to read the books, I will be able to sit down and watch the dvd I bought and hopefully learn lots from it. I know of a lot of teachers who use it, and swear by it! Thanks for the confidence to keep doing what I am!
I am usually against people moving in together when their are kids involved like this - I think it puts more stress after going through the trauma of their parents splitting up to have to get used to a whole new "mommy" and new "siblings". But you really sound like you could do them a lot of good because you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and you seem to have your priorities straight and want them all to have a stable home. I really commend you for putting in such an effort . Since these kids were abused by the mother I would say they all need counseling. They are so little and they still developing emotionally - being abused and coming from a broken has more than likely caused them to act out like this. When kids are hurt at such a young age it changes them - they don't know what to do with all those bad emotions. I would call a counselor today. There are also some great books about parenting "hurt children" you might want to read. I wish you all the best - I hope everything turns out okay. I think it will. It will just take a lot of patience!! Hang in there!!!!
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