cant control 5 kids - help

[foam970fed002]

I am a mother of 2 girls. I am with a guy who has 3 kids. The ages of the kids are 6, 4.5, 4, 3, and 1.5 I stay at home with all of them so my bf can go to work. His kids have had a rough life with their mother, she abused them trumendously and now we have behavior issues all the time here. At first it was just stealing food, cuz she didn't feed them. Now it's progressing into lying, stealing, and hurting the others in the family. I can't take it any more. His kids don't listen 6, 4.5 and 3 no matter what I tell them they say ok, then do the opposite of what i said to do. My 4 year old is now not listening and following in their footsteps. I have tried listening to their problems and anything they want to talk about, I have yelled and spanked. Nothing is working. Everything to these kids is a game. THey think it's funny or just don't care about anything. I don't know what to do, I can't get them to listen and do what i ask of them, they ignore me and they just don't care. When you are saying something serious about doing something or to stop hurting the baby she just smiles. I can't stand it anymore!! and advice on helping them listen better and mind, or helping them care about themselves or others would be greatly appreciated! Just today, 2 of his kids were running in the street and didn't care that I told them not to and that it wasn't safe. I went to the store and the oldest tried stealing from walmart! while we are in the car, all they do is play fight like pulling hair, hitting, slamming heads into the door, pulling down pants, everything and more that annoys you while you drive. only ten times as bad.

[just4fun2007]

Yeah, good advice... another adult should abandon them (people continue to remind me of why the world is the way it is).  Thank goodness there are people out there like you Foam970, who are willing to put a little effort into raising children.  They'll thank you for hanging in there when they get older.  Did you ever watch that show, Nanny 911?  Maybe getting one of those charts like she always used to have chores, alone time, bedtime, mealtime, etc., would help smooth things out.  It CAN be done.  Get a lot of cooking big meals done on the weekend to heat up during the week.  Have the older ones (6 and 5?) help sort the laundry.  You just need to get organized, and make bedtime at 7:30!!

[foam970fed002]

Oh I forgot to add.... to the guy who said my life will go from bad to worse with this guy. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me... the love of my life... the one. And we don't have a bad relationship, we have a very good one, we communicate a lot about everything and we are both frustrated and don't know what to do with his children. He agrees that there is something wrong and it needs fixed... but then again it's harder fixing someone else's mistake. The kids' mom is the one who did this to them, we just need to figure out a way to make life better for them and less stressful for us!

[foam970fed002]

Their father has had a problem childhood as well. Their mother has no part in their lives, and for me I'd prefer it just cuz they've been thru so much already. I feel that I can help the kids, I do have an associates degree in early childhood education and I know what will happen if the kids ever had to go back to their mother. I know that if they do they'll have the same kind of childhood as their dad had. He basically didn't have any rules, his mom smoked pot and did drugs all the time, so he was a trouble maker. Once he had kids, he changed, he's responsible and he does help with the raising of the children. But he also works in the oil field, so he is gone much of the time. Usually works at least 5 days, and when he does get his 2 days off sometimes he has to stay over night the day before he's off so he only gets about a day and a half off with us. He leaves early in the mornings, and usually doesn't get off untill after the kids are in bed. So I'm starting to wonder if they are acting out again because they don't get to see him very often. I agree that counseling would be best for the children but I'd like it to be a family counseling thing and since he's hardly home that makes it diffucult for him to really participate in any of it. We communicate a lot about everything, and I tell him what I'm doing and what happens during the day. We were both raised by being spanked when we were bad, I know he's been beaten by his step-father. Some things that are common sense to me, he doesn't already know  when it concerns the kids. Like sometimes he messes with them a little rough, or talks to them in a strange way, kinda harsh... but I guess that's how he grew up, and what he's been around and how he's treated the kids since birth so they are used to it, and it doesn't seem weird or wrong to them. We have used spanking a lot when they do something bad, but it doesn't work, and I know that it doesn't, but I don't know what else to do. If they would just listen a little better things would be easier!

I don't think that leaving him is the answer. I mean we have all had a lot of changes in the past year or more, but if we work together maybe it'll all work out. just finding a way to get them to listen and care about what's happening is the hardest job I've had.  Their dad does support the decisions that I make for the children. Like yesterday after running in the street, almost stealing from walmart, and then to jumping on the bed. In which his middle child is accident pron, once fell off the bed into the door handle cuz it was against the bed, she fell into it and got 7 staples in her head. They don't learn from doing stupid things and for some reason don't learn when they get caught for lying and stealing things, in which they get caught all the time. The thing with his kids, is that they figure you out real quick! The oldest had told my sister once that if she looked me in the eye, that ment she wasn't lying to me... so it's hard sometimes to tell if she's lying or not. Their mother was a person who lyed all the time, and cheated on my bf. In fact they don't really know which kids are his or which ones not. She also has a daughter my youngests age living with her. I fear for her safety! I'm trying a new schedule thing to see if it works, but then again i think back and wonder if it's worth my time to plan out things, and keep them busy, cuz they won't appreciate it anyways... maybe I try and see what happens.

Not as stressed as yesterday, and today going a little better, but know I'm at the point of breaking... hard to handle all these kids, keep house clean, cook and all the other little things that have to be done

[4Deb]

You didn't mention your boyfriends role in your situation other than he works. Other than taking financial responsability, is he also taking an active role in the child rearing? Is he supporting you in the decisions you make for the children? I grew up in an abusive insecure home and as a young teenager went to live with my grandparents. Even though I was much older, the adjustment was beyond difficult. Since the kids are so young, professional help is something that should be looked into. Since it is expensive, look into County Services or see if your area has a Public Health Nurse Program who can provide information on low cost services. You really want to get this taken care of asap. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to be resolved. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[jdtm]

I agree with teko - get out while you can!  Your children must be the first priority in your life and it sounds if life with this guy will only go from bad to worse!

[jd1419]

If they were abused and it is documented--they need to get some help professionally first---they also may feel if they do these things--daddy will get rid of this girl to and take care of us...they have a lot of resentment in them--they have probably grown up with no rules and it sounds like it didn't matter to their mother what they did--so now they feel as if whatever they do you should not care either---but see if you can get professional help for all of you...you are in a tough postion.