child sex play?

[cuddi]

hey i don't know if this is the right place for this but here goes. I'm a 20 year old female whose dealing with tremendous guilt over something that happened during childhood. i was  9 when it first started. My moms friend would bring over his daughter she was 4 , we would play in my room usually on the bed, just the usual, but one day we played mommy and daddy and we started to dry hump on my bed fully clothed (i cant remember who initiated it). This happened on more than one occasion until i turn 11. She would come over id ask what do you want to play and she'd always say mommy and daddy and thats how it always went. Eventually i looked forward to playing, although i had a limited understanding of sex (at school the kids would play a game where the boys chased the girls and then dry humped them) i recall really enjoyed the feeling and i remember being glad when she asked to play.Eventually she wanted to play another game, however, and it stopped. I must admit i was very immature at 9. i was surrounded by younger kids and would rather run around and play sports ....i even developed crushes on boys much younger than myself! I  refer to these incidents to say that, that experience changed the way i approached play, everything became more sexual. At times i tried to recreate the feeling when i was alone with my teddy bear and had 3 other similar experiences with kids my age while wrestling . The weird thing is until then i never really even thought of stuff like that, although i watched a lot of tv, i was very sheltered and shy.....my mom never ever broached the topic of sex. Nonetheless, I feel immense guilt i was much older and knew it wasn't right as we would instantly freeze when my mom entered the room. We still live nearby and i saw her once and she was very hostile she may have cursed at me but im not sure. Im soooo tired of carrying this around with me, i feel undeserving of love and fear relationships...i'm still a virgin. I guess my question is..... was this behaviour abnormal and am i an abuser?


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[cuddi]

It never went beyond the dry humping and i never forced her ...its just hard looking back and contemplating the whole thing. I talked to my mom but she simply blew me off saying i was a child at that time. Thank you for the response by the way thanx alot

[Julie359]

I don't feel you should take this guilt with you to the grave or beat urself up any more than you already have done.  As children we do a lot of stuff that as adults we realised were wrong, boy i did my fair share, you know we grow and experiment, discover things that make us feel good etc... within our imature mind we don't see the seriousness of the action, yeah we may know that we will get into trouble if our mum or dad found out, but we don't fully comprehend the true nature of what we do.... this is my theroy anyway.  So to answer your question i don't think you are an abuser as it sounds fairly innocent in nature, through play.

I would say if the other child was forced, was scared, the dry humping evolved into naked touching of private parts or you continued to force this type of play upon the other child then i would say you were taking advantage and then yes this would be seen as sexual abuse, but again by what you have said this sounds innocent in nature.  If you really find that you can't put this to rest, then maybe you should get some counseling or therapy to help you overcome this seeing as it is having vast impact on your relationships now.

Please let us know how you get on and take care.