spanking

[elizabeth22]

Please help...I have three boys ages 5,4 and 20 months.I didnt believe in spanking my boys at an early age and refused to although their father(who does not live with us) did and now the boys are out of hand. THey listen to their Dad and not me and now i feel like i failed as a parent and just want to give up, now he says its all because i didnt listen to him and that i should just sign the two older ones over to him. I cant give up on my kids i just need some advice or help on what to do now. I actually tried to spank them today and they pretty much laughed and said it didnt hurt which i didnt intend it to anyway i think it is too late for that but now what do i do?Any parents or people raised with/without spanking your comments will be greatly apprecciated.....I am new to this site but am really enjoying it...i love how people can just vent how they feel without anyone sayinhg they are right or wrong but just their opinion on the subject.

[margypops]

I agree with adgal  I also respectfully tell you ...thats it ....have a nice day .........

[adgal]

I read something interesting in the expert forum earlier today.  The Dr. said that in many cases, children that act out regularly and don't respond to discipline?  It's the parents that need to make the change.  I took that to mean anything from a stressful household to kids being screamed at (I still think that produces innappropriate behaviour).  Children learn from us.  If mom and dad are yelling at each other all the time, or not using good manners, children will do the same.  My little guy is at the age where he copies everything.  So he see's no violent tv shows...none at all.  My husband and I do not yell at him or each other.  When we are having an argument, we remove it from him completely.  We try to keep his life as even keel and stress free as we can. When we tell him he cannot have something ,we stick to it.   And you know what..he acts out sometimes, but it is normal toddler stuff.  He is a really really great kid.

[adgal]

It's not that I think you want dominance over kids, and I apologize if you felt verbally attacked.  That was not at all my intent.  I just think that it teaches kids that the bigger person is dominant whether that is the intent or not.  We are the parents, and yes, we absolutely have to teach rules and guidelines.  In the case you described I would probably take away a priviledge or something.  A toy perhaps.

I am learning as I go here.  But I do try to follow the experts guidelines.  There are also many moms here I have a great deal of respect for, and have learned things like reward systems - something I am finding is working.  Yes, it may take longer this way, but I think the end result is better.  Also, I think that there are times and situations (not all parents, but I think it is a danger) where spanking can get out of control and lead to more.  That's not a chance I am ever willing to take.  

I have never abused my parents.  I have never abused anyone.  I wasn't spanked.  My husband is one of the kindest, respectful people I know.  He was never spanked.  We were both given time outs, loss of priveledges and when we were older, grounded.  We turned out pretty good I think.  So there are alternatives.

I don't judge parents who believe in spanking.  It's just not the right thing for me, and again, if asked I will give my opinion on it.  

[pittfan17]

Ok+margy.i+would+like+to+make+this+argument.my+ex+had+3+children.they+did+alot+of+misbehaving.she+made+them+stand+in+corners.took+bike+priveleges+away.which+was+their+favorite+thing+to+do+ride+bikes.what+happens+when+u+do+all+that.with+no+improvement.

[margypops]

The dad and the mom in question would work on their problems so they both agreed on fitting punishments , which would be dependent on age ...time outs and loss of privileges the children enjoy ...consistency, respect...quietness, decent behavior..

[pittfan17]

Im+not+disrespecting+ur+opinion+at+all.i+was+just+getting+verbally+attacked+by+a+few+posts.and+even+u+sort+of+assumed+that+i+just+want+dominance+over+kids+which+isnt+the+case.i+believe+a+person+should+be+open+minded+and+willing+to+talk+to+their+children+about+anything.but+i+also+believe+it+comes+a+time+to+put+your+foot+down.what+happens+if+my+child+says+no+dad.i+wont+go+to+my+room.i+wont+go+sit+in+that+corner.do+i+just+say+ok%3Fand+not+do+anything%3Fgo+by+what+the+experts+say%3Fif+he+has+that+sense+of+entitlement+then+by+the+time+hes+20+ill+be+the+one+getting+abused.