Something isn't quite right...

[mellowD]

I am positive that I have intertwining issues that are contributing to an emerging sense of apathy that is making my life a living nightmare.  

About two years ago I began to feel off.  I'm a 20-year-old Japanese major, and throughout college I've only gotten one B.  Physically, I am healthy, but lately I'm finding my life devoid of meaning, am constantly forgetting things, say and do things to others that I immediately regret and in general can't seem to function or plan for the future.  In class I've stopped paying attention and barely care about things like the quiz that I recently failed (if I did, it would be because someone else got upset over failing a quiz).   Before high school, I was ecstatic about learning Japanese, having the chance to live on my own, do my own shopping, cook, make new friends, learn instruments, get part-time jobs, fall in love, etc.  Now I feel completely indifferent about these goals, don't know as to whether or not I actually accomplish them, and I can tell that I'm falling behind my peers academically, intellectually and socially.

I lead an incredibly blessed life, having had the opportunities to study and engage in activities that I've always pursued, such as studying abroad for a year on a full scholarship.  Even then, I couldn't escape this merciless feeling of inadequacy, and that somehow I didn't deserve to be having such an exciting experience.  Nothing I do seems right, and reality doesn't make sense to me.  It's as if I can't relate to my fellow human beings.  If there was culture shock or reverse culture shock after my time in Japan, I didn't even notice because I've been trapped in this ambivalent mental state.

Coming back, however, I do feel a bit estranged from all those who were close to me.  My friends are uniform in their new social drinking habits (I don't drink), and are postponing entering the workforce by applying for grad school, staying in school longer etc.  Personally, I can't stand academia any longer and want to begin working, but I am barely mustering the gumption to attend job fairs and search for careers.

The nature of my problem and the actions I need to take are evident.  During freshman year of college I made the decision to cut a lot of meat out of my diet, but probably did not adequately make up the protein from other sources.  I also became interested in macrobiotic diets minimal in processed foods.  As a result, I've lost a lot of weight and constantly snack, not feeling quite satisfied.  I currently weigh a little over 90 pounds and am 5'6.  I do not exercise as much as I should (though I do run around quite a bit because I often forget things as I lose track of what I'm doing).  I believe I am also experiencing hormonal changes, having the worst acne of my life and random bouts of crying and stress and diminished self-worth. I won't forgive myself for transgressions as minor as asking my vegan friend to buy cream cheese for me to more major ones such as not accepting admission to schools and programs that I copped out of at the last minute.   I stopped caring about my appearance and how I come off to others,  displaying my anxiety through incessant hair-twirling.  Subconciously I abhor the way I act and treat others, and can't begin to imagine what they might think of me (hence I am always wondering).

The steps to fixing this problem are clear to me, as I've witnessed this before in peers; namely, consume more calories through protein, go to the gym regularly, find more enlightening friends and a productive hobby.  But somehow I can't take the steps, since I am constantly beaten back by a feeling of inability or powerlessness, and my past attempts at pursuing interests have ended up failing and lowering my self-esteem further.  I don't feel as though I can catch up to my peers (I don't think I'm particularly compelled, either).  

Futhermore, I feel my abilities to accomplish things are constrained by time and ability.  I am president of an on-campus club, involved in a Japanese community which calls for various events, am trying to search for careers and am generally in the busiest year of college.  Yet, my peers balance part-time jobs, double majors with minors, attend  on-campus activities, and still manage to socialize and get decent grades.   I cannot concentrate on schoolwork, and sometimes it takes as much as 10 minutes to read one page of liberal-arts literature.  This severely hampers my attempts to manage time, making me feel a bit hopeless in terms of getting my life in order.  It's as though I am defective of certain human qualities necessary for survival and have to depend on others.

So, in one final act of reliance on others, I want to get some perspectives on my situation so maybe I can de-frag my brain once and for all.

[mellowD]

Thank you both for your advice.  I sought some help and I am going to go to counseling.  I am eating a lot but my meals are most likely not substantial enough.  Whenver I feel stressed I start eating, which was a habit I was trying desperately to avoid for personal and financial reasons, but has conquered me now to the point where food doesn't last if it is sitting around.  I was hoping that my lack of concentration and anxiety is just stemming from a lack of nutrition, as that seems an easy fix in and of itself.  In high school I was a bit depressed and due to my circumstances didn't participate in many social or personal development activities.  As a result, I ended up escaping into my own world and read/studied a lot and used thinness as a redeeming social quality, since it is an evasive goal for much of our society.

After 21 years of living in my world, I am finally applying for careers and trying to balance responsibilities that I don't understand too well.  I think I am finally beginning to prioritize my values a bit, though it will be a long journey of catching up.

[mammo]

Hi.  I think you need to be thoroughly checked out by your doctor first and foremost.  If everything is fine then I would see a psychiatrist, you sound depressed. Depression  robs us of our happiness, motivation, self-worth and leaves us not wanting or feeling capable of doing the smallest task.  Due to your low weight and eating habits, your hormones may be out of whack and an Endocrinologist needs to be seen to check all your hormones, and if your thyroid isn't working properly it can also cause depression/anxiety.  An Endo is best for this. You sound like a real go-getter and are probably feeling over-whemled at the moment.  You're not alone, we hear from a lot of young people like yourself who are struggling with issues like yours.  But it's time to take care of YOU, get yourself healthy physically and mentally, so you can get back to being your old self!  You need to eat healthy, a variety of foods and put on some weight so your body is able to function properly.  Be the go-getter you describe and go get help, you will feel so much better.  Depression and/or anxiety often hits us out of the blue which makes it even more confusing.  You deserve a happy and fulfilling life and this is just a bump in the road, which you can get over or around with some help.  I wish you all the best and take care!

[John_jb1]

Hello,

First, I'd like to point out that I can relate to you. In college I study a range of things, including Psychology etc. At my lowest point, I could read fine, but the words wouldn't stay in my head long enough for the sentence to make any sense to me.

But from what I've just read, you are almost defnantly suffering from a mood disorder, particularly Unipolar (in my opinion). There is a very easy way to get this checked out... You need to see a doctor, who will assess your symptoms, and most likely to tell you to come back in two weeks, to see if you are still feeling the same. That is a requirement by the DSM-IV criteria. Then you'll be referred to a psychologist, who will also assess you in more detail and then work on treatment. This is a long process, but do not ever give in, as hard and demanding as it may seem, stick in there, the therapist will also help you with all that.

Another thing I'd like to mention, is that your BMI is 14.5, a healthy BMI is 18.5+ that means you're basically very underweight. The fact you're underweight could be a reason for your moods in itself, malnutrition can cause everything you've just described, from forgetfulness to low moods and anxiety.

So my advice to you is to get checked out by a doctor, and things will follow from there.

Cheers,

- John -