depressed over daughter

[cat9841]

I know, I know, but I have to vent. my daughter is a devout christian and is mad at me because I watch certain tv programs and I said my grandson needed more displine, bla, bla, bla...anyhow its been 2 months, no calls, she won't answer my calls or e mails, and today is her birthday. I tryed to call but she is probably montering the calls and she won't talk to me. today she is 28. I am depressed because she has been mad for so very long and it seems there is no end in sight, how long can she be mad? how long will she hold a grudge? will this just go on forever???
CAT

[el_dave]

My girlfriend's Mom pretty much abandoned her when she was a child. Dal was raised by an Aunt. When Dal's Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer about four years ago, Dal had already been through nursing school. She dropped her job, dropped her life, really, and came to take care of her Mom. Her Mom's now been 'undiagnosed as dying', but this isn't about that. What it's about is that Dal still has considerable resentment against her Mom. "She abandoned me. She had no good part in my life. If you see any decency in me at all it's because of my Aunt". Then I talk to her Mom (when she's sober enough to talk), and I get: "Some people think because she spent a lot of time with her aunt that her aunt raised her. What they don't know is that *I* paid for every stitch of clothing on that child's back and every bowl of cereal she ate!"

Apparently the Aunt demanded money for child support. In Sweetling's Mom's mind, sending that money means the Aunt really didn't contribute to raising Dal, after all, "she was paid". That kinda lets you know who created the problems in that particular mother-daughter realtionship.

I'm not trying to make Dal's Mom out to be a monster. She thinks like she thinks, she is as she is. But I'd like you to note that although Dallas harbors some resentment (justified resentment at that) she still dropped her life for her Mom's. Dal isn't a super Christian, in church all the time and all, but she believes in God, leads her kids through prayers and "devotions", all that. However, her acceptance of her Mom's fault doesn't come from religious beliefs at all, it comes from being Dallas. She's still there, her Mom gets drunk every single night, curses Dal, calls her names. Now that her Mom's not dying, Dal will be moving the family out, for the children's sake... but when her Mom needed her, she came.

I have no idea why I thought you two should know about that, but I did so there it is.

-El Dave

[April2]

Hmmm, interesting. You said she told you that you weren't there for her. That shows me there's some pain and unforgiveness in her heart. That could explain a lot. I'm not saying she's right in thinking that way, but the point is she IS thinking that way. She thinks, right or wrong, that you weren't there for her. This could be partly why she's trying to hurt you and have some control there. Yeah, sure it shows some immaturity but then I've seen that time and time again in families. Somebody gets hurt and all of a sudden they're not talking to the other person and they won't let their kids contact their kids and will go on like that for years. I just shake my head in sadness and think "Life is so short! Is it really worth it?" Why can't people understand that? We have such a short time on this Earth. Why would we cause such pain to ourselves and others when we could just swallow our pride and apologize and try to mend our relationships. I just don't get it.
Doesn't she understand that God, Himself said that He can't forgive you until you've forgiven others? Probably not. She may not even realize that she is harboring some unforgiveness and bitterness there. See, it's easier to blame you for all the mistakes she made and pain she experienced. Then she wouldn't have to face it and see her weaknesses or faults, which we all have.
Well, like I said, give it to God and keep praying about it. He can certainly do miracles. In the meantime, don't wait around for her to come to you. Go on about your life and do what you enjoy and focus on your own relationship with God.
I wish you the best. Peace.

[cat9841]

I just LOVE your letters to me, and I am right there with you. it seems like we have been through the same things in a lot of ways, try to get to my e mail all in one word, cry l  (L)june at yah oo. maybe this will get through. cryljune.
I don't really know if she has denounced all she was into or not, she is in a very good church that should be teaching that, I am sure they are, and I am sure she knows, she blames me for a lot of things, she thinks I was a bad mom. her and another brother, both say I was not a good mom. I compleatly understand why you feel like you do, I do too, about forsaking the family and other kids to care for her, for me, I had a son before her that gave me a lot of problems. he was heavy into drugs and alcohol, stole from us, the court finally put him in out of home placement. I spent so many years worrying about Jason, that the rest of the kids and a new marriage got set aside. my daughter came next. for some reason the younger ones, 2 of mine and 2 step kids looked up to the troubled brother as some sort of hero, went his own way and they wanted it too. my daughter at age 16 left home to live with him in the home of a practicing witch, I called the cops and they said, if you force her home she will run again, we find kids like this under the bridge, at least here she is safe, so I left her there. I had a nervous breakdown, do you think any of this fases her? no. even today her attitude would be, "whatever mom". its my fault, everything is. no matter what I say or how I explane, she don't see my side or want to hear it at all. she has even said, "I don't want to ever hear how bad I was or how bad YOU had it, I had it bad and you were NOT there for me".
I am getting on with my self, back to the art club ect... as I said, I just had a spinal surgery and I am still healing, but with Gods help, this will pass. It may be she has things to learn to. I am stepping back, right now, I don't care if she wants to see me or not, I don't need the stress she brings here. she wants everything her way, and I want it mine, so we clash, fine, if that is what she wants, fine.  I hope she finds her way, soon, but if I move away and it don't happen first, then that is what Gods will is. we live in CA and are moving to WA after christmas, maybe next spring, somewhere in there. she is aware of this, so if she dosen't want to see me, then that is on her. I will miss the kids, but hey, what can I do? my poor husband is sick of me being all depressed over her all the time and frankly, so am I. this has to stop. it will kill me if it dosen't. stress kills. God will take care of us all, even you and your family. I am very glad to have met you. I hope you can get through to my personal mail box.
Cat

[April2]

It's interesting that you say that she told you she only got into the dark things to hurt you. This tells me there is indeed a control issue going on here, on your daughter's part. It's really important that you don't let her control your life any longer. Don't let her control your emotions, your feelings...anything. For some reason she's getting enjoyment out of being able to control and manipulate you.
Listen, I understand! It's only been recently where I realized how much I was letting my daughter control my life, my happiness, everything. I felt like I was neglecting my other children because I was so focused on her. Sure, I made a lot of sacrifices for her; got her into counseling when we couldn't really afford it, got her medication when I wondered if I should get some for me! It goes on and on. Do you think she understands or appreciates it? Probably not. I hope someday when she's an adult she will look back and realize how much I did for her.
I wonder with your daughter acting the was she does if she doesn't still have some demonic strongholds there. I hope you don't think I'm too crazy but you did say that she was into some demonic things and she may not have renounced or got rid of all that when she came back to the Lord. Just a thought.
Think about what I said. Start taking care of you. Allow the peace of God to enter you. Start doing things that you enjoy. That would probably drive your daughter crazy! She'll wonder why you're so happy and at peace when your life isn't centered around her anymore. Who knows? It might draw her back to you, if for no other reason than out of curiousity to see what's up with you. Sorry, sometimes that mischevious, wicked little humor comes out in me! :)
You might want your son to talk to your daughter since he remembers how she acted towards you. Maybe she'd believe it coming out of him. If he'd be willing. Just pray about it and see.
As far as getting over the molestation, I have a couple of thoughts on that. It depends on the age that the molestation happened and a lot of other factors. I think it's good and healthy to go through the anger, etc. for a little while but then they do need to be able to move past it and with God's help they can. I too was molested by my own brother. We both were kids though, he was 13 or 14 and I was 8 or 9 at the time. Yeah, he probably was old enough to know better but I've forgiven him. I think it was wrong but I'm not holding on to it. It does have me more watchful over kids being alone together. And yet I still couldn't protect my daughter when she went to these sleepovers. If I could do things over again, I probably would. We live in an evil world. It's harder and harder to protect our kids.
I do understand wanting your daughter to feel your pain, but don't forget, vengence is from the Lord. He will deal with her in His own time. She will be held accountable just as we all are on how we treat others.
The only way you're going to be able to move on and move past this is by taking all your hurts to the Lord and be willing to let it go. You have to be able to forgive her to have His peace. And it's a peace that surpasses all human understanding! The world doesn't understand it because they only look at the circumstances and say we shouldn't have peace because of our circumstances when He says to look to Him and not our circumstances, and to be thankful in all things. Yep, thankful in all things. Boy, that's so hard! I've been working on that myself. But it really does work. When you let go of your worries and heartache and just start praising and thanking God a wonderful thing happens. You start to feel His joy well up in you. We have to continually seek His face every day, though, or we go right back to our burdens and heartaches. It's a process but it works. Try and spend time every day in prayer, not just asking for things but in praise and worship, remembering to thank Him for who He is, for His faithfulness. Someone told me once to pray like you already have it. So that's how I try to remember praying. Thanking God for working on my daughter, thanking Him for saving her and healing her, etc. See if this will work for you. Try saying something like, "Lord, I just thank you for saving my daughter. I thank you for molding her and shaping her into the Godly woman you want her to be. I thank you that you are turning her heart back towards me, her mother. I thank you that you are even now softening her heart. You are teaching her the truth. I speak truth into her life. You are releasing her from demonic bondage and opening her eyes to the truth." etc., etc. You can come up with your own things. Just believe what you are praying. If you don't think you have enough faith, pray about it. Ask God to give you more faith. And He will!
I hope any of this helps. I don't want to be too pushy or preachy. I just love the Lord so much I like to talk about Him!
Write back if you like. Take care.
April

[cat9841]

OK lets try this again, all one word, cryljune at yahoo *******.
I can relate to almost the entire story your telling. my daughter at age 16 started giving me real problems too, she moved in with a practicing witch, did spells wore all black and wrote me horriable notes like, "see you in hell *****" she cut herself too. she denied God wrote satanic things on mirrors and trashed my bedroom and broke lots of expensive things. I called the cops, they didn't do a thing but tell me to 'get control' of my kid. she beat me up a couple of times, but still today denies it, says she didn't do it. she may have been on drugs and don't remember, my son said last night, he still does remember it. she is 28 now, returned to the Lord. she had to when she got pg, I guess that is what brought her around. she has said that without the pregnancy she would be in jail or dead. I think God took care of her and like you I prayed and prayed, for a couple of my kids gave me real problems, yes she was molested also, but for me that is NO excuse, get over it I say, let God deal with it and move on, I guess that isn't how it is for them, but that is how I see it.  she said that she only got into the dark side because that was how she knew she could hurt me the most. now...someday her daughters will do the same things, I think, I don't wish that on my wonderful granddaughters, but I do wish she could for a little while, feel my pain. I know that is not a christian attitude, but she needs to know what pain she is causing in others.
CAT

[April2]

I forgot to mention that during those two years my marriage suffered, the stress was overwhelming and then I found out I had a mass that needed to be removed from my small intestine. We didn't know what it was but I had peace about it. I knew God would take care of me. I had to have major surgery last Summer to remove and resect my colon. But God is good! It was not cancer (never thought it was, although the doctor was concerned). They did think i had Crohns but now aren't sure. I'm just trusting God in all that and with my daughter. It's all too much for me to bear on my own anyway.
Again, I wanted to share all that to show you that I do understand. God doesn't promise that we won't have trials but He does promise that He will be there with us when we go through them. I don't know how I would have gone through all of that if I didn't have my faith to fall back on. I think I would have lost it! I came pretty close at times. But God was always there. When things seemed the darkest, He always gave me a glimmer of hope again.
He'll be there for you too. Just lean on Him.
And sorry I wrote a book, lol! I'll try to do better! :) Have a blessed day!