depressed over daughter

[cat9841]

I know, I know, but I have to vent. my daughter is a devout christian and is mad at me because I watch certain tv programs and I said my grandson needed more displine, bla, bla, bla...anyhow its been 2 months, no calls, she won't answer my calls or e mails, and today is her birthday. I tryed to call but she is probably montering the calls and she won't talk to me. today she is 28. I am depressed because she has been mad for so very long and it seems there is no end in sight, how long can she be mad? how long will she hold a grudge? will this just go on forever???
CAT

[April2]

The last two years I went through the darkest time of my life. I don't ever want to experience that again! But God taught me so much through all that pain and darkness. He really humbled me first. I used to think my kids could do no wrong. I thought if I did everything right, took my kids to church, ate dinner together every night, always knew where my kids were and who they were with, that I'd have the perfect kids, I guess. I had a lot of pride. I looked down a little (although I didn't see it then) on others who couldn't seem to control their kids. I blamed the parents.

I've really had my eyes opened! Just to give you the short version so you have an idea what I'm talking about, two years ago we found out our daughter was cutting herself. We didn't understand. It scared us to death. Then we went through her room and found a suicide note. Talk about being scared to death! I went through such a range of emotions. I was confused, scared, grief-stricken. We immediately got her into counseling. Through counseling we discovered that she not only had been bullied terribly all through middle school (she kept a lot from us), but she also claimed that she was touched inappropriately by some neighbor boys and also girls at sleep-overs. The one boy was the older brother of her best friend. She had a lot of anger and depression that was starting to come out. She wondered about her sexuality for awhile there. She was so confused and angry. She rebelled and started sneaking out at night. Her boyfriend (she wasn't officially allowed to date yet, they only knew each other at school but would still study at each other's houses) talked her into something that she wasn't ready for. She was 14, he was 16. She cried and cried that night. Then she grew angry again at being used and chopped all her hair off and started dressing boyishly not wanting to appear attractive to boys. Again, she wondered if girls weren't "safer". She had a girl coming on to her and got her all confused again. Finally she decided that wasn't for her and that she liked guys and started dressing like a girl again. Still, she struggled with depression and cutting. She even dabbled into Satanism when she made friends with a girl who was also a cutter and into Satanism! We couldn't believe it! She grew up in church and had accepted Christ and got baptized at 12. I think she definately opened some dark doors there. I felt like we were in a spiritual battle and I didn't know how to handle it! I had so many people praying for my daughter. She was drawing sad, dark pictures and writing poems. I didn't understand any of this. She had a family who loved her but she couldn't seem to see it or care.
I had a lot of people praying for, let me tell you! I spent many nights on my knees crying and praying for her. We finally admitted her into a mental hospital when she cut herself again. I just couldn't take it anymore. It hurt to see all those scars and cuts on her and not know how to stop it. I had to finally admit I couldn't handle it anymore. They kept her for four days and started her an an anti-depressant. I think it was a big wake-up call to her. She is doing so much better now. We are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. She even is cautiously seeking God again. She was angry with Him for awhile there and blamed Him for a lot.
We may never know how close we've come to losing her. She had struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time and we just didn't know! We were pretty clueless for awhile. We did see her getting more moody and grades dropping when she was 12 but didn't know how bad it was. And I had a newborn then and I felt guilty that maybe I got too caught up in the new baby and didn't see what was going on. Yeah, I beat myself up a lot over all the mistakes I've made. I've wished I could have caught things earlier and spared us all this pain. But I know that I can't go back. I can only go forward. She's almost 16 now (next week!) and is doing so much better. I give God all the credit and glory for that.

Sorry, I know this was longer than I meant! But I wanted to show you that I do understand how much our kids can hurt us and how much we hurt for them. We want so much for them to make the right choices and be happy. I know I did. But my daughter is very strong willed and stubborn and had to learn a lot of things the hard way.
Looking back, I realize that God had given me a heart now for hurting teens and kids confused about their sexuality. So many of them are confused because like my daughter, they were molested. I notice more when I see someone sitting off by themselves. I don't judge any more the kids who look different. My daughter went through the "Emo" stage too. I didn't like it and didn't let her go too far into it but again it all seemed so dark and I was trying to pull her away from the darkness. She's been slowly healing and pulling away from the darker things. But it had to be her. I couldn't make her. I know that God is working on her.

The best thing you can do, Cat, is concentrate on your own relationship with God. Let all of this go and give it to God to take care of. Let your daughter see God in you! You can be that perfect example to her. It says in the Bible that we can be a witness without even opening our mouths! Let her see God's peace in you and wonder about it! She might be drawn to that, who knows. Do the things that you enjoy. Start volunteering somewhere and give back all that compassion and generosity that you have in your heart. There are so many people who can benefit from that and it will make you feel good too! And your daughter will see and notice. Let her know that you love her and are always there for her and then step back. Let her make that next step. Still send cards on birthdays, etc. But don't let her call all the shots. You give her a sense of control when you she sees you begging to be in her life and crying and stuff. And I recommend reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. Sometimes we have to give a little "tough love" to our kids. I wish I would have with my own daughter a long time ago. She learned real fast to manipulate me. We were afraid to discipline her or even look at her wrong for awhile there because we were afraid she'd hurt herself. We were walking on eggshells around her! And the more we did it, the more self-centered she became. Pretty soon we realized how rediculous we were acting and we started pulling in the reigns again. Oh sure, she'd threaten to hurt herself again or run away but we'd just tell her calmly if she did we'd take her back to the mental hospital or call the cops. She started to realize she couldn't control us anymore. And she's been acting much more pleasant! I know that you have a different situation. I was just sharing my story.
And now that I've written a book, lol, I'll sign off now. Please feel free to write any time you need to talk. I'm a good listener! And I'm on here almost every day. Take care & God bless.
April

[April2]

Cat, your email didn't show up. You have to spell it out saying the dot and com because Medhelp blocks emails. Or we can just continue to write on her and send pm's.

I too believe God led us all together for a reason. I felt it right away. I only had that happen one other time and that was on the Gastro Forum. God brought 3 of us together on there all suffering from simular things months ago and we've all now grown very close. I love it when God works!

Cat, is your daughter very young? Give her time. Like I said, I was pretty selfish and self-centered when I was younger. I think part of the reason was I was a bit spoiled. When I look back on it my mom never really made me do chores or anything. I now struggle with that with making my own kids do more to help around the house because that's how I grew up. My husband gets upset and tells me I should make my kids do more. I think I spoiled my daughter a little bit because she's struggled so much the last few years. Now I wish I would have done some things differently. I've thought about taking them to a soup kitchen or something and helping them see how others don't have all the nice things they do. I wish I would have done it sooner.

You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I started thinking more about others (and less about myself) until first after I accepted Christ and then especially after I had to suffer myself. I know that sounds horrible but it's true. I have to split this up into two posts. It's too long! Sending part two, lol.

[lonewolf07]

Cat

I did send you, el_dave and April2 a private message.  Still learning how to do things on here since I'm relatively new and don't have your e-mail address.

What is happening between you and your daughter is not "all you".  An argument or fight takes more than one person.  You mentioned, "unseen forces in spiritual realms" - I sure believe it and have experienced it.  The dark side is attracted to "good" people; it doesn't have to attract "bad" people because it already possesses them.  That's something the medicine woman I go to has spoken about.

Sorry to hear about your friend's loss.  Her coming back into your life does show that unseen forces in spiritual realms (God?) are at work.

lonewolf

[cat9841]

Just when I thought my problems were the worse possiable, a friend that I haven't seen in like 4 years stops by, torucherd by the untimely death of her 33 year old son.  at every point in life, God shows us that there are worse things in life, her son is gone forever, man, I really need to learn to trust God more and leave things in HIS hands more than I do.

[cat9841]

it is VERY possiable there was a divine appointment in the works here, PLEASE e mail me at anytime, I check my mail several times a day.
I was a single mother, TWICE, once with 2 boys, then again with 4 kids, and any problem she has I am more than willing to help her with. I spent my last 3 pay checks while I was working, to help her with her first pregnancy and got her everything she needed in order to make her life somewhat easier.  But, she didn't see. then she got pg again, and I again did whatever I could to help her. with the 3rd child, she put my feelings aside, inviting a dozen others into the labor room and then to her home after the birth, and I did step aside at that point somewhat. her boyfriends parents and family became more important than her own. when that relationship failed, she moved an hour and a half away and now I am not as able to help as I was when the girls were born. I was VERY close to them, almost as another parent, maybe that was wrong, but I love them girls more than I can say, and so does my husband. there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. I just had surgery, a spinal fusion, also since the girls were born, I had both knees replaced. do you think even once she EVER offered to vacum for me, or clean or anything at all. my friends at my art club, (I am an artist) really cannot believe how she is. I am going to back off, I am leaving it in the hands of God. now that dosen't mean tomorrow I won't be in tears again, but there isn't anything more I can do, its all up to God, and her now. please email me, ***@****, any of you, at any time. we are here for each other. isnt it strange how total strangers are more help than family. I ran and bought a book today, "conflct free living" by joyce meyer. I am planning on digging into that and maybe it will help. it was recommended by another, daughter in law who said, "not for one minute do I believe those girls don't want to talk to you". at least she believes me. another son said, where e is, there is trouble. so it isn't all me, maybe its "unseen forces in spiritual realms" (Eph 6.) do you think???
CAT  
and ,to lonewolf  you don't sound cold at all, thanks for all your help, and to April, thanks for your help too.

[lonewolf07]

To cat, el_dave, April2 and Hensley258

I have read your comments and found them to be incredibly helpful and supportive (even though I didn't initiate this thread).  Cat - I can so much identify with what you are going through and am glad that my estranged daughter does not have children.  Your comment about not letting you and your daughter's fighting effect the children shows me that you are a very caring person.  Didn't know she was a single parent.  That can be difficult and I speak from experience.   At least your daughter is e-mailing  you which is a form of communication.

You said, "as thier grandma, what can I do?" -  I don't know where you are but I'm in Toronto, Canada and here a grandparent has some rights with respect to seeing his/her grandchildren.  But would that negatively effect your grandchildren?

I am far from being a devout Christian but it seems to me there is a quote in the Bible about judge not lest ye be judged.  It seems to me that most of this estrangement is your daughter's "problem" and your pain.  Prayer is powerful and I do it often.

Also, just because my daughter wants me out of her life, doesn't mean your daughter wants you out of hers for any length of time.  When I wrote that, I didn't know she was a single parent.  She probably has a LOT of problems of her own.  For example,  does she get any support from her childrens' father?  One thing I learned from #2 son, who was a bit like Bart Simpson when he was younger, is that at some point adult children have to take responsibilities for their actions and stop blaming someone else.

I fear this message sounds cold but it is not meant to.  It makes me think that maybe a Higher Power directed me (us?) to this forum for a reason - to share our pain, to talk about our experiences, get some advice and try to hope and heal and maybe re-establish a relationship with our adult children who, for some reason, don't seem to want us.

lonewolf