you are trying to hard to keep the relation ship going.it shouldnt be that hard.if he is addicted to drugs then hes going to choose that over you.i know you said he is doing good but maybe thats what he wants you to think.some people never fully get off them. let him go .dont keep your self up at night.it sounds like as long as you are with him you are going to be fighting a vicious cycle.he will probly come back around when he wants money.it sounds like you are trying to convince your self if he just dosnt do this and he just doesnt do that everything will be ok. my best friend she was mommy of the year,p.t.a, went to church faithfully.she met this guy.she did the same thing you are doing right now.she ended up with none of her kids.living in a place not fit for a dog.he is now in jail because he beat up an elderly man.isnt that sick.my friend is now trying to pull her life back to gether.he is getting out soon and started writing her letters.i hope she stays away from him.she is such a good person and deserves better.do some thinking.figure out if you can really live this way.good luck sue
You really cant change a person unless they want to change, and as an adult i am quite sure you know that he may have changed for awhile, but if you have to keep watch over him let him go especially if he wants his own space . it sounds like you have a nice life keep it that way, if he changes on his own he will be back, but do not let him use you luck jo
Are you going to control his entire life? You can't be there every second of every minute. You need to be with someone who you can trust to walk the straight and narrow when you are apart. You will not ever feel comfortable with him and it shows a lot that he doesn't care about making his living situation convenient for your relationship. I know you say you love him but love shouldn't be the relationship you described, its stifling. He has little to no respect for you and yet you stay. I don't know why you want to be with him when in all your posts your calling him names. I think the best thing for you would be to live your life for you and put some focus back on yourself and less on him.
For the moment things are better. He is willing to stay here until we can get a car and I'll stay with him in the evenings or will stay here. We have 3 dogs between us. He did something that finally convinced me he loved me. He continues to do jerky things too. He says he wants me with him every night. He has accepted Jesus and is in a positive growth cycle. He hasn't arrived yet and may not arrive. He just got an email from an old girlfriend and I was sitting right in the room. Instead of him telling me that he got the email he started reading it real fast and was almost done when I happened to look over his shoulder and noticed what he was doing. He let me read it but also said get off my shoulder. We spoke about this I wanted to know if she wrote back would he tell me and he said he would. That's what we fighted about the other day. An x-girlfriend had emailed him about his son misbehaving in the community and he responded with a short reply and told her to take care and God bless. I thought he should have told me about this better he sent her an email back. He knows I know his pw so he started changing the pw and I left the room crying. I figured she'd write back again and she did. His first excuse was I don't want you checking my email because you're sneaky or you'll do things. He's making himself look guilty. I didn't even argue with him, I just left the room crying and he came to me and said"that would make someone think the other one was cheating" And he said he doesn't have anything to hide and he was sorry that that was wrong. He does come around. He came to me three times and said he was sorry.
OK, that's when I really believed he did love me.
but, she wrote again and he didn't tell me right away.
I'm just used to being completely honest. Should he have told me he received a new email before he read it? I was sitting in the same room with him. she said I send my apologies to "*******" (your girlfriend) that I have had to contact you again, one more time. She was telling him about a job opportunity and was told to pass on a message to him. I do trust her. I appreciate her saying something like that being respectful of me. I told him I don't have a problem with anyone if they are willing to be face to face with me and be honest with me.
He said, there was no need to write her back, but I thought it would only be naturally for him to thank her for passing on the message, don't you.
I'm not sure he won't send her an email and try to delete it from his sent folder and not tell me about it. Even if he does I can read it from his "TRASH" bin which he doesn't know how to empty.
I know I sound crazy but the hurt of being cheated on NEVER goes away and I am trusting him more and more every day. I believe in his own way he is doing what in his heart is as honest as he can be. I don't think he knows how to be trusted or earn someone's trust. I think his devious background has damaged his moral compass. But, I'm helping him understand what the bible says about these situations.
We are still working at this relationship. It's complicated but we do love each other. It can take years to get over what I've been through but we are both willing to keep trying.
Pls. just let me know should he have told me right away when he got the email from her, and should I be allowed to be present if he writes an email back to her, and know what he says to her?
You see a similar situation happened before with this girl. We were together after they broke up but a gift came about 3 weeks later in the mail. He gave it to her and lied to me and said he sold it. He had showed me the gift. He thought he should have been able to give it to her. I wasn't really hip with that idea and asked him to do something else with the statue. He took it to her, lied to me and I kicked him out that minute. I knew he lied because I know him. He ended up getting back with her right after that. That's why I don't like him having unsensored contact with x-girlfriends because he's a nice guy and doesn't know how to put up healthy boundaries. He told me he kissed her right after that. Maybe not before I broke up with him but pretty quick. Now recently he told me it never happened that he actually left the statue in his car.
Please, if you answer my post, don't give me the, "If you don't trust him, don't be with him" I know that, but it's complicated.
He's trying to bend my moral compass and accept his scued moral compass. I just want to know if someone wlse shares my level of being upfront and forth right with others as I do. I'd be so much calmer and trusting if people were above board with me, instead of me finding out before they tell me.
Am I exspecting a fairy tale or are there these kind of men out there?
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my questions.
I'm not really sure if this is going to help. Sometimes we can push people away. I personally would not have told you about the email before I read it. I may or may not have told you about it at all. Considering you two are having a multitude of issues, maybe he should have told you, but from what I gather so far he may have been fearfull of your reaction. The email was not innappropriate, so he may not have felt any need to do so. Sometimes when we expect people to be honest and immediately offer information to us it can seem like they are hiding things when they are just living their lives.
In my opinion, and I know everyone doesn't agree, his email is his email. You don't really have a right to be checking it. With that being said, my bf and I share a comp, and set up our email accounts together. We both wrote our email addresses and passwords on the same paper. If I felt the need to snoop, and yes it is snooping, through his email we would have much bigger issues than him changing his password to stop me. There is a fine line between a little bit healthy jealousy and the need to control. Why did he need to come apologize 3 times for you to finally say, oh he really does love me. To me its overkill for the situation, and I know my bf loves me even when he makes mistakes. I don't question it every time, and then feel revalidated only if and when he apologizes. That doesn't prove love, it is a simple courtesy that we are taught as children. If you hurt someone and are remorseful, you need to apologize. You don't need to love someone for any part of it. If he really is not worthy of your trust, then I will say it, don't be with him.
If you are really going to move forward, you need to forgive him from the past, and not bring the past into current situations. I know, easier said than done, but it will never get better or even have a chance if what happened in the past is always brought up. Good luck to you.
I agree with the above poster, you have to give him space. Your incessent need to control every thing he does will either 1. push him away from you or 2. make him hide it better. He probably does fear your reaction and frankly, there wasn't anything in that email that was any of your business. This ex and him share a child right? That's what I gathered from your posting. Their child is none of your business and if she has to write him about their son then he should be the one to deal with her. I know it's hard, my fiance shares children with 2 ex's and so I have to deal with that constantly. But it's his responsibility to talk to them because he has to and I trust him with them. I know he broke your trust but you will never get to a better place if you pressure him with everything. No relationship is perfect and no one is perfect either. If you truly love someone you will accept them and not expect them to change every thing that irritates you about them. My fiance constantly leaves his clothes all over our room, instead of putting it in the laundry bag. No matter how many times I've asked him and how many fights we've had, I eventually just accepted that this is how he is and isn't going to change. So instead of arguing about it, I've changed my reaction to it. I don't let it get me upset. You have to pick and choose your battles. Back off and give him his space and his privacy. If he cheats again, you will know. What someone does in the dark, eventually comes to light. You can't live with this fear constantly in your mind, you will get no enjoyment out of life and he will eventually get irritated. Have more faith in him and if you can't, you need to leave him.
He lived with his old girlfriend. left my house and lived with her for almost a year and still dated me. I was suppose to be the one and only and he never left her.
Miami, he does not have a child with her.
As for small things like half a** work, I won't nag him about that. He does have little respect for others property as well.
Hey, he cheated on me with this girl and I feel he has to earn his trust.
I doubt you feel the gravity of the situation.
That said, no doubt I am pushing him away with wanting the truth.
I also have keep quite about that other family calling here for pot, pills and whatever, you don't know the bad people he's been around. I wanted it stopped. I don't want him to be in danger or people using him. He said it has been painful for him but he is so much better off, I got him away from such people. When he lived by himself druggy people came over and used his house for a place to get high. He was ripped off and very desrepectful to me. I think he was getting high too. That wasn't that long ago. It's still fresh in my mind. Nor does he have the courage to stand up for what is right with these people. Some can say, I'll change people places and things and have a better life. but he thinks he can walk the tight rope and nothing bad will happened. I am the stronger person. We are going through difficulties.
I also say, if you give a man too much rope he'll hang himself. He is likfe that
And your relationship probably has NEVER SUFFERED WHAT OURS HAVE. HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATED ON FOR YEARS TIME AND TIME AGAIN?
wHEN YOU HAVE THEN ANSWER MY POSTS. OR THINK, WHEN YOU SAY I'M CONTROLLING WHY I MAY HAVE TO BE. I'M NOT GIVING HIM FULL FREEDOM RIGHT AWAY, I'D BE A FOOL.
Sorry so upset, but he's not a normal guy. Can't you feel what I'm saying? I know I have to get off of him.
Why he said sorry to me three times is because he said if he did change his pw then it would seem like he was cheating.
It's hard, maybe I'm not right for him. Maybe he'd be better off starting fresh with someone else who doesn't know how he really is. But he keps coming back to me, begging me. I hold my gaurd up for so long, but over time he convinces me he can be trusted. We share goals together and he tries to make me the best I can, and I do likewise. We also have a biracial relationship, so have to deal with that pressure.
He's the first black man I've ever gone out with and I'm the only white women he's ever cared about. Now, the other white women he was with was when he cheated on his long term relationship with his last girl friend. And he cheated on her to be with this other white women. And he cheated on his dieing wife.
GIVE ME SOME CREDIT, I AM TRYING TO SEE THE BEST IN HIM OR I WOULDN'T BE HERE. I BROUGHT HIM TO JESUS AND KNOW JESUS CAN DO IT, BUT I CAN'T DO IT ALONE. THANK YOU FOR TRYING TO HELP. I'M A BIT BROKEN, OBVIOUSLY!
Well to answer your question have I ever been cheated on, the answer is yes. For 2 years by my fiance and he did it while we were planning our wedding, while I was pregnant with his child and it finally ended when I found out when our son was 9 months old. So I'm talking from experience, not from someone who is just like, dump him. I am still with my fiance, we went through counseling and we currently have rebuilt our relationship. I know firsthand how hard it is to be with someone when they have done the worst things to you, I know how hard it is to trust that person after they've damaged it, I know how badly you want to watch every little thing they do just so you can feel comfortable again. My point is, you can't live your life like this. I had to learn that the hard way. He is an adult, not your child and you can't continue to hold on to him that tightly because he will eventually blow. You can't control his actions. He will do what he wants when he wants because he is his own person. You may want better things for him and you may want to lead him to a better place but at some point, he's going to have to do these things for himself and you have to trust that he will do the right things. If he can't then you need to do what's best for you and not focus all your energy on what he's doing and what he's not doing. A relationship can't be your life. This isn't your husband and you don't share a child so the only thing that is holding you to him is the love and your pride. You've put so much of yourself into "changing" him, that you feel it a shame to walk away but you are going to drive yourself crazy. Is it worth it? If it is, then I don't know what there is left to tell you, just continue to deal with his issues. If it isn't then try your hardest to walk away and next time meet a man who doesn't have so many destructable things going on around him.
This man is by your description, a manipulator, liar, and cheat. He abuses drugs and enjoys the lifestyle that brings with it. He lied and cheated on a dying wife. He cheated on you, he cheated with you. You have financial issues, health issues, location issues, friend issues, family issues, trust issues, race issues....I don't see anything positive other than you two going to church together, however I don't think he is doing that for himself, but to make you be quiet. You are not the right woman for him. There isn't one. Move on. He doesn't respect you, or your health, your relationship or any relationship, or property as you claim. Yes, I have dealt with infidelities. I also know that if a man cheats on me over and over for years and years he doesn't really love me or himself, and doesn't have respect for me, himself or our relationship. The saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... This man is just hurting you.
I am also one who knows when enough is enough. It sounds like both of you are lonely and miserable. Notice the lonely. That is the one and only thing keeping you two together.
Ok, first I like all what each of you have said.
second, I did not cheat with him. I am not a cheater.
Most important I'm glad you women do understand and can feel the gravity of the situation.
It is true, each day brings another thing to be hurt about. Like my 50 cart he destroyed and my retractable leashes he takes and brings back chewed up or never brings them back at all. Or when the bills are higher because he's here he doesn't offer any money. As for the damage to the cart, he won't even admit he was the last one using it.
One of you mentioned a good piont, I've invested so much in him and seen change that I don't want ot let go.
I'm not reallly lonely, I don't care if I have a man or not.
I am more of the respect who has given on up love.
I'm happy to be alone. but now that I'm tangled up in this it will be hard to break up with him.
I think I've also way lowered my standards. The first time I found out he cheated on me over that long period I refused to speak to him for a year.
I guess now I need to either trust him or leave him.
I'll try to do that. I think Id really loose it if I found him cheating again. I don't know what I'd do.
thank you for helping.
There are other good things in our relationship, some similar interests, we love our kids (dogs) together, he helps cook and clean, he tries to build me up and make me the best I can be. Ironically he trusts me and isn't jealous of me. We enjoy evenings together and like to watch Movies and teaching each others things.
We haven't given up on the relationship, but I do feel it is more me working for it than he is.
It feels like you have to teach someone moral character that they con't have a consept for because their moral compass is completely off.
Another good quality is he is totally uninterested in porn. that may seem like a given to some of you, but I've also been hurt by two relationships that were sexually abusive.
My bf has been able to get off hard drugs and is pretty productive every day.
I'm sure I'll be back.
Perhaps I need the strength to live him and I'll find it here.
Thank You, ladies,
I also believe if he cheated once and you give it a chance, the second time around is showing you his true character. If he had any respect for you and cared about how you felt, he would've never hurt you again after the first time. Of course you don't trust him, he's a repeat offender. Some men cheat without really understanding the consequences, once they see the hurt and pain they've caused, if they've learned anything from that experience, they won't inflict that pain again. However, your boyfriend continues to do so and it's because you've allowed him to do it over and over again. I hope if he were to do it again, you would walk away. You don't need to be anyone's doormat. If my fiance were to ever disrespect me again, knowing how badly he destroyed me the first time and took that chance on his family again, I would be so done with him it isn't funny. I only give one chance and that's all you get. You need to understand you are worth more than that.
Relationships are suppose to mutual and I think if the only way you can trust this guy is to babysit him---------- what are you doing?
This is not love, this is recuing and if you put this much effort into a healthy guy, you'd have a happy, successful relationship. He's not healthy so you are wasting your energy. I'm sorry but that is how I read it.
I make choices in life that benefit me somehow and don't see much benefit in this. Good luck but I think you can do much better but you have to want better than this for yourself.
After reading your post, I asked him. How can I know you won't do this to me angain. and he said, Because this was never like me to do soemthing like that" I said you heated on your dying wife. He said you're saying things you don't even know. But I do know, he's told me. Then the women who cheated with him (who was suppose to be caring for his dying wife) was cheated on him for years. then there was me. He lived upstairs and told me he and his girlfriend were over, lying to me. she took it that I did something behind her back but I didn't. Then he ended up not having a place to live so he lived with me, but I wansn't allowed to keep him here, so had to send him out to the streets, literally. He had no place to go so moved in with her, telling me he was with his widowed wifes friend. With my phy disabilities I could not walk there to find out. Apparently he moved back in with the girl he lived with upstairs. Oh yes, he's a repeat offender alright.
I did get out of him that it hurt him badly when he was living a double life and it had nothing to do with love it had to do with selfishness. He walked off pissed...
He left his phone which he never does. He holds on to it like a baby cluthes its momma index finger. He never leaves a room without it. Of course I went through it but found nothing.
He probably is not cheating at the moment.
I know once a cheater they are more likely to cheat again, because they have so lowered their moral standards of them self. And as he said, it was totally out of a selfish desire, not caring for who got hurt. He said, it was hard on him too, not fun, because he had to worry all the time.
He tries to convince me he's not really like that. He's in denial.
He needs to learn from his mistake, so he won't do it again. I'm trying to figure out what he has learned. I don't here him saying I won't do it again because of the pain I've caused others. It's more about the pressure to hide his life sytle that bothers him, and probably the pain he now has to go through as a consequence. So he's focusing on himself not others.
I do realize when you let these men get away with this stuff that you are doing the world any favors. they are doing it becuase you let thme get away with it. I'm a firm believer of that. I use to be. I just hope I'm not lowering my standards so bad as a consequence of this situations as well.
I've never had a very good relationship and my mother was also very abusive.
I have survived and feel I'm a survivor.
If he did cheat on me again, I would see it as a character flaw of his and not own any of it. I wouldn't think of myself less. I would definately walk on without ever looking back.
See, I can't be revengeful either, so it's like I just take the slap, but I've got to let him go too.
Like this apartment we are looking at for him.
My plan was that we need a car before he moves across town. He doesn't care if I can't get over there everyday. He's going through getting the apartment without getting the car first. I'd be in the situation I've alwasy been. He'd be free to do whatever he wanted to at night.
If he moves there before we can get a car, I won't follow him because it's a total disregard for my feelings. It's too far away and we have 3 dogs. This lady doesn't even want his dog, do you think she's going to want mine too.
Sure he has the right to make this decision on his own, we're not married, but I don't have to stay with him and be over her worried every night. He says I can move in there and wants me with him every night. We'll see. I'll have a REAL problem getting into town from out there. Here I can walk to town. I'm just saying stay one more month with me so we can get a car, then move anywhere you want to. If he goes, we're DONE, because its the principle of SELFISHNESS. If you love someone you're suppose to CARE, REALLY CARE about the other persons feelings.
I don't think you should be with a man that you worry sick about what he is doing when he is out of your sight. Call me crazy but you are selling your life and your future short to live like this.
I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater. I do believe some learn from the experience. However, it doesn't seem that your boyfriend really cares about other people's feelings at all. He does have a lack of moral character but again, he's got to be in charge of his own life and his own decisions. If he cheats on you, no it has nothing to do with you but if you stay with him then you should focus on why you feel you need to be with a man who just doesn't have any consideration for your feelings. He doesn't have any remorse at all based on what you write and again, you shouldn't have to force him to do anything, he should want to do things that will benefit the relationship. He hasn't done much to help it. I just can't seem to find what is so appealing about this guy that makes you give so much of yourself to him. He really isn't deserving of your love.
WE DO HAVE SOME STRENGTHS TOO:
He believes in me, likes to learn from me, and encourages me to reach for my goals. He doesn't have too many excpectations.
He's ok with how I look, and to answer your question Miami, why do I settle for this guy. 1st. I don't even want a relationship because I'm happy alone and just having friends. But he begged me and kept coming back, over and over, and we are more friends than lovers. We are not always in a physical relationship because I don't let him in that much, during the bad times. I'm mean the phy part of the relationship has to stop. He seems to like me for me and really looks up to me. I know it seems like a contrast to everything I've been saying. But I've been very mad at those times. Another reason I settle is I'm no Julia Roberts anymore. I'm very old and letting my hair grow out gray. I'm not on the make. He just happens to be there, feels my nights, seems to like to make a home with me, he has done a lot of changing and seems sincere. Yes, we fight. Loneliness, may have a part. I'm not driving. He comes to visit me everyday and he fits like an old shoe. Does that make any sense. I also see the other men in town and I'm ok with him. No one understands me like him. I can't see being with anyone else.
As for him moving into a new apt. it is necessary and his son lives in the neighborhood and has a car. I can get back and forth that way. And if he starts up his old ways I'll just do my own thing. I told him that today too. I'm very active in church and other groups. I do have a life, and I am happy with myself.
I looked at your pictures Miami and you're young enough to be my daughter. Is Richie your bf? Gorgeous. We live in different worlds.
You woman have helped me and I will look at why I'm settling for 2nd best.
Also I'm invested in him.
Another thing is I need his support on something, I'm going through some health issues and can't do it alone right now, when i can he may be obsolete.
TY Miami for answering my posts. Living an isolated life makes all the difference in the world, perhaps I should try to be more active. That usually seems to be the answer for me. In the winter it's a little hard to walk everywhere. I'm close enough to church to walk and I scedule rides. I know there is help out there I just need to reach out, and build up my self-esteem. PS Really didn't want a relationship if you know what I mean, but now I'm inlove again and breaking up will definately be painful.
Thank you and yes Richie is my fiancé. I understand that at this point in your life you are just looking for companionship. You just have to just accept your situation for what it is and have less expectations from your boyfriend. This way you won't be disappointed. Enjoy the nice things he does but don't put too much energy on trying to fix the things about him that you don't like. Since you are staying with him because you want a companion and so you're not alone. If you could do that then perhaps you can live your life for you and he would be just an extra. Does that make sense?
I have been able to pull back in the relationship during lengthy breakups and am able to keep by guns. He knows all to well how I can turn like ice, however, you're talking about walking in the middle somewhere.
We were talking about this in church. No one can clompletely satisfy you so you need God vecause Go is faithful and in all ways better for you.
It's the middle of the night, so have to keep this short.
I wanted to mention I looked at your profile pictures, and you have a nice family!!. You are very beautiful and your son is very cute.
I'm falling asleep here, so I'll let it go for now.
Yep, that's exactly what I meant. You will never be fully satisfied with anyone, because no relationship is perfect. And if you have chosen to be with him, despite all his issues, then you have to just know what you're dealing with and accept it because it's obvious you don't want to move on without him. But the focus in your life should be you and your happiness. So be happy on your own and if you want him to share in it, let him, but don't allow yourself to get disappointed if he's not doing what you need him to do.
Thank you, my family is my world. I've worked very hard at keeping it together and making my life a happy one. It was a difficult road but we work at it every day.