Avatar universal

Seriously. Some Help here.

I don't know if this is the adequate place to ask this. I'm a little confused in this forum but here I go.

I'm currently dating a girl whom I'm getting off to a very good start with. We communicate well, we have good sexual chemistry, intellectually a la par  and for the first time I see the potential of a relationship happening in my life (never really had a relationship, more like date casually). I'm a male by the way.

But here's the issue. I'm a little concerned about some things she says, does and the diagnosis in her past.

She was diagnosed when she was 18 as being borderline. According to her, she moved on and seems to be working efficiently through her life. Goes to school, has good job experience, etc. So it seems this diagnosis might have either been controlled efficiently by her or mis-diagnosed.

That said, I'm seeing some signs that concern me:

1. Controlling sex. We've been dating for 4 weeks now and we haven't had sex (take into account there's sexual chemistry). I know sex does not have to happen in a relationship for the relationship to work but she has had previous relationships with sexual encounters. And she tends to say (when I ask her why not) that "You make it so important." Like she wants to control the sexual aspects of the relationship.

2. Phases. She speaks of going or having certain phases, that people have to deal with. I have seen a couple and their pretty much filled with her covering her emotions up or being off emotionally. Interestingly, I seem to bring her to her feet. Make her feel better about things. Or at least it seems like it. But still, the term phases, scares me a little.

3. When we speak of emotions it almost seems like she is missing something. She speaks of her emotions as being very tame or flat in some odd way. Like something is missing in that emotional spectrum.

Other things:

a. Has irrational fears.
b. Does not take complements well
c. Seems self conscious about her appearance

In all honesty, I'm just bringing out my doubts. I really like this person. We bring out things in each other that generally I don't think we could.

I had a previous borderline personality girlfriend. And it was a very painful process. I hurt for a month just thinking about her after she left me. And post that, she never really left my mind for like a year. So I'm just catious as to how much input I can put in this relationship if the person I'm dating could potentially hurt me like the last one did.

For the first time I'm content with a person I'm dating and I would love this to last (I've never had a meaningful relationship and this one feels close to it). But I have to keep watch. A previous diagnosis does exist and I need to address that issue.

Can I get some suggestions? Opinions?
3 Responses
Avatar universal
I think you need to slow down., 4 week relationships are not long enough to know much about each other let alone be worrying about having sex.  Enjoy being with each other and c how it goes.  If you are compatible you will know in time, in the meantime keep sex on the back burner until you have time to get to know each other better. All you need is to end up being a daddy to a child. Happens all the time. Watch, listen and learn. and like I said slow down! lol
648720 tn?1227637088
I agree with teko...its too soon to stress over sex, it will happen when it happens.  Maybe she has some values and wants to make sure something will come of the relationship before she gives that part of her that is a very emotional connection for some people.  Some people can't keep emotions out of sex, mainly women.  
1st thing is that no matter if the person who hurt you did have a mental disorder or had cancer or even was for lack of a better word "normal" it is hard for everyone to get back on the horse once you have been hurt.  Give it some time.  Slow down a bit, sounds like you are going at this kinda fast.  Dont rush it, go with the flow.  It will all happen when its supposed to happen.
As far as your concerns of her diagnosis, you need to realize that it will be difficult but you need to be supportive, maybe later on go to therapy with her, or see someone your self to give you insight and help you in the emotional turmoil that can come with being with someone with a mental disorder.  
You, yourself need to decided if you are willing to take on a relationship with someone that does have a mental disorder.  You really should try looking maybe on webmd.com and learning about her disorder.  It can be insightful just to learn more and to understand what you could face.
I will tell you being one with a mental disorder myself that I am fully functional and stable.  but that doesnt mean that sometimes I cant be hard to deal with, heck sometimes I feel that I myself couldnt deal with me! But really its not that bad.  From me personally I would respect and hope for the respect for someone to be understanding and upfront if they are not willing to be open minded to the disorder and do not want to deal with it.  I was with my ex when i was diagnosed and we were together over 2 years after, but he never wanted to acknowledge it or understand it as far as he was concerned there was nothing wrong.  He was never there supporting me and being there for me, partly because he never realised when i was reaching out for him for support. It was very hard for me not to have my best friend and lover not there to support and understand.
So will you please look into yourself and decided if you want to be in that type of relationship, and if not that is fine but be hosnest to you and her.
Another thing you can try is to talk to her about it, but you have to watch how you do it, you dont want to hurt her feelings or make her put up her defence shield.  
Hope this helps!
Avatar universal
I have mental disorder myself. I'm well aware of how MD affect people and I am understanding.

However, I'm just treading these waters extremely carefully. I'm pretty much inexperienced relationship wise. But that's for a reason, so I'm always careful.
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