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Do men with control issues (control freak) use sex as part of their manipulation??

Just wondering how my husband's control freak issues figure into his use of s*x rationing.  He only wants s*x when it is his idea and then not much.  He prefers m*sturbating to porn on the internet.  
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523042 tn?1212181495
Hi Lauren.

Let's look at what you've said.

First, you can't seem to spell out the word "sex." I'm wondering if this indicates a discomfort with sex? If it's worth doing, it's worth talking about. And it's certainly worth spelling out.

Second, you've described your husband as a "control freak." This is a value-laden term, usually used as a weapon by one person against another. What's your definition of a control freak, and why are you applying this term to your husband? In my experience, people who are described as control freaks aren't necessarily trying to control others, but rather their own environment. For instance, they may need lots of quiet contemplative time, so they may always be asking their partner to turn down the TV, or talk in a quieter voice. In other words, you may THINK your partner is trying to control you, but it's not that simple.

Thirdly, you say he prefers self-pleasuring to being sexual with you. I have no idea why that may be, since I can't talk with him. However, I can list some possible reasons: he might be bored with the sexual activities you’re doing together, or there may be some conflicts in the relationship which are contritubing to him feeling anxious or angry.

Speaking of angry: it sounds to me like you may be angry, and I'm wondering if you're aware of this. Certainly, if you perceive your husband would rather have Internet sex than sex with you, your anger is understandable.

There may be something else going on, and he’s looking for an opening to tell you. Only one way to find out: ask. So you two need to sit down and discuss this—but not in an accusatory way. Don’t attack him, because when you attack someone, what happens? That’s right; they get defensive—and with good reason. To have a constructive discussion, share your feelings in a calm, non-confrontational manner—and use “I” statements. That means you share your feelings without blaming or accusing him. For instance, you might say: “Honey, I love you so much, and I love having sex with you, and I miss you. I miss being close, and I miss being sexual. I don't know what's happening with you, and I'd really be grateful if you could share with me. I’m just wondering if we can work out something so we can still have sex and be close?” You get the picture. Offer some possible solutions too.

If talking together isn't an option, or if you need further help, I suggest the two of you see a counselor who can help you discuss your issues in a safe, non-threatening environment. Best of luck. Dr. J
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