Erectile Dysfunction Community
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1247529 tn?1313499931

Why my husband looses his erection during sex?

My husband and I have been married for almost 29 years. He just turned 47 and I am 46. We have I guess to say not had the best sex life.  In the beggining it was very nice. Then the kids started coming. We have 3 beautiful girls 26, 23 & 19. And we hardley ever had sex after they were born.  We were apart for 2 years ending 7 months ago. You see my husband was transfered and we decided I would stayed back home to let our youngest graduate high school there. So we only saw each ohter on the weekends. When I would come here it was wonderful. We were all alone. The sex was great. Then I moved here and the sex was off and on. More off than on again. So I decided that I wanted us back.  I Love my husband so much. And I know he loves me. The problem is he used to want sex all the time. He would raise to attention when I entered the bedroom. Well not any more. He does not seem interested even though we are alone. Now I have gained a few pounds.  I am not saying I am obese but I do need to loose about 15 pounds.  We both started going to a gym.  He needs to loose a few also. I also caught him watching porn one evening. He said someone sent it to him and he don't just watch it. So now I have the feeling he is just not sexually arroused by my body anymore becasue I don't look like the girls in the porn. He says he is but when I get into bed naked and lay on top of him kissing his neck and nothing happens he just says he is tired, then I can't beleive he is. I am not real sure about myself most of the time. I don't usually take charge like that. We talked about that and he says he likes it but most of the times I did he was not interested. So what am I to think. It does nothing for my self confidence at all. So I told him if he wants sex then he needs to let me know. I find myself just thinking of him and getting excited. So what is the problem. I think he only has sex with me most of the time becasue he senses I want to. Why can't he stay hard while we are having sex? I could see if we stopped but that is not the case, we can be in the middle of it. And just to add I am not one to just lay there. I help.  If I am giving him oral sex he is fine. And usually while he is giving me oral sex he is hard. But the last few times he is not. I mean if I start on him he does get hard.  Then we start having sex and after a bit he just goes soft. He does not ejaculate then go soft just goes soft. And then there are a few times that he can't ejaculate. So what am I to think? I am a horrible wife.  I can't even keep my husband interested during sex.  Please help.  Worriedwife
95 Responses
1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much.  I will check that out.
Avatar universal
No, you're not a horrible wife. Everyone is different, some people need sex more than others, that's normal. It's also perfectly normal for a man to go through periods of lower libido. Anxiety, stress, depression can have a drastic impact on a man's sexual performance.

You also mentioned erectile problems. This is a medical problem and, if the situation persists for more than three months, your husband should consult a urologist. ED is easily treatable, as long as he takes that first hard step and seeks professional help.

And another thing: we guys are extremely sensitive when it comes to sexual problems. Men don't like to talk about it and prefer to suffer in silence. You'll have to be extremely patient and supportive.
1205014 tn?1265731513
Your story sounds just like me. My husband and I are close to your age and have the exact problem. We use to love sex 2-3 times a week and it was passionate. Now he never seems interested and says I want it too much.  He also watches porn and I thought that was the problem as well. I try not to let it hurt me but it does deeply.  I miss the intamacy and closeness we once had. I wish he understood my feelings more. He wont talk about it and gets very defensive when I bring it up.  He is overweight and should loose 20-30 for his size.  Ive read up on ED and found out men who are overweight have less testosterone which lowers their libido. When they are overweight they also have less blood flow to the penis which causes it to be less firm. It is easier for them to masterbate then have real intercorse. Knowing this, made me feel a little better, but I am still bothered by it and take it personal. I find if we exercise like a good brisk walk , it helps his blood flow and his penis will stay firm and he can sometimes ejaculate and climax.  I hope this will be helpful, it helps me to read your story, so I know I am not alone.
1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much for a mans look.  I know everyone is different.  But he used to want it all the time.  And I do understand our age has a lot to do with it.  It is just hard I guess from him telling me he will always want me and then he is tired.  I do understand being tired also. We have talked about this part.  But sometimes I guess being the emotional person I am I take it as it is me.  I try not too but it just happens.  A woman is supposed to please her man just like he is supposed to please her.  No difference there.  And a woman is supposed to make her man feel aroused.  That is what I am having a problem with. Is it me not making him feel aroused?
I am not pushing him or making him feel bad.  When it happens I tell him it is ok.  He is a very loving man.  He tried to make sure I am taken care of.  But I think after that happens he feels bad and I am left.  He does hold me and stuff but still left needing.  I am trying to be helpful.  I still just think it is me.  Maybe when he really wants it he is ok then when he really don't but doing anyway he can't. It just hurts.
I Thanks you again for your help.  It does help more than you know,  
1247529 tn?1313499931
Yes, it is nice to know I am not alone. I don't think he is watching porn anymore.  I had asked him about it.  Now there is someone who still sends nude pictures to him through email.  But I am not worried about that.  And my husband is still interested but now and then during sex he just goes soft.  "guys are extremely sensitive when it comes to sexual problems".  I don't know how to get around that.  I know if my husband's difficulties continue I will talk to him about going to the doctor to make sure he is ok.  They say that this problem can be a physical problem.  That I worrie about.  I don't want him to be sick or have a physical problem.  I could do with out the sex if it is just ED, I just don't want him sick or hurt.  I did not know the weight thing could cause ED.  My husband is not obese.  He needs to loose about 15 to 20 pounds.  He is not a fat looking man.  He has always keep himself looking nice.  I don't know where the weight is on him.  Unlike on me.  I wonder why you can see it on women but not on men. I did figure that he will have a problem if we try to have sex more than once in a day.  Or every night then after a few night he will start having problems.  I did read up on that "cure sexual exhaustion" or "losing sexual power" that another suggested and it does seem that is what is happening in our situation.
Thanks for the info and the well wishes. I also hope yall get this all figured out too. It is a crazy thing.  Men peek in their teens or early twenty's and women in their 40's, just sad.
Avatar universal
It is not a bad idea to have him go to the doctor, but I don't think you need to suggest it.  This is his problem and I'm sure he's extremely sensitive about it.  In fact it probably upsets him much more than it does you, and I'm sure he's already questioning himself.  At some point he is going to want to go to the doctor because he wants this problem to disappear.  As gentle as you try to phrase it, asking him to go to the doctor about this would almost certainly hurt his sexual confidence even more, something you obviously don't want to do.  This is a problem that affects both of you, and if you want to be a supportive wife, the last thing you want to do is say something is wrong with YOU and YOU need to go to a doctor to satisfy me.
Avatar universal
Hi there,

to me, your husband is obviously addicted to porn, i know this as the same thing happened to me and ruined my marriage (i am male), the less he can perform in the real world the more he turns to porn, it is not that he doesn't find you attractive anymore, it's that the mind and body are not in sync regarding the reward mechanism. He may find you hot but the mind/penis is now trained to believe that porn will give him the 'reward' and not a real woman, he needs to abstain from porn (porn & masterbuation for up to 2mths to reset the brain circuitry).

Have a look at the porn/impotence threads for more info, but i'm 95% sure the issue isn't with you.

Hope that helps.
1388999 tn?1370046414
Look everyone .......this is no ones fault and he is not addicted to porn ,this situation can affect up to 25% of all males over 45yrs.

The trouble is the male psyche is so damn sensitive it just takes one failure for a lot of our little petals to start worrying about it in fact they worry so much that its almost certain that it will happen next time and then ladies they are in big trouble !,so embarrassed about it they will not talk to anyone.

They try to look at porn to get that feeling back some even have affairs but nothing works really well as it is their mind not their penis.You have to convince them it is a very common problem and growing all the time in this world of stress,you must somehow get them to talk to a doctor and they will put their mind at ease somewhat.

There is so much help out there... it could be a medication he is taking and just a matter of changing it.
There is Viagra and Cialis to help and for the most stubborn mind an injection which makes the little guy stand to attention  no matter what ! IF it is in the mind, its a tiny little needle they would not feel it.

Ladies this takes a lot of tact and gentle care,..... imagine  them as poor little souls that have ! in their minds have lost what makes  them a man they feel worthless, no pressure what so ever as it will curl up and disappear.

Just be loving stroke his hair get him to talk ! tell him he means the world to you (if he does) and is there anything he would like to talk about as you know there is something on his......mind.
Never ever ask if it is you as you will give them an excuse.

Somehow they must go to a doctor this is critical for a positive outcome.The Odds are that it is mental not physical.So please stop the blame game.
Avatar universal
Let me start by saying that I am a   40 year old male. I found this site because I to have the same problem    of losing my erection during sex. I hope this helps you to hear this    from a mans side. My wife and I have been married 19 years and we still  have sex 3 to 4 times a week and sometimes I do lose my erection, but it is NOT her fault. I still think she   is as beautiful as the day I met her and I still get turned on just looking  at her so don't worry I'm sure he  still loves you but is probably    upset about the ED. My wife is very understanding and we are able to  discuss it and I made it very clear that she is not the problem so it       has helped. Hope this helps,        good luck.
1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks for the advice. Sorry it took me so long. He will not talk about it. He just says he is getting old I guess.  And I know it bothers him most of the time. But sometimes I just don't know. And I have trouble talking to him about it. I did ask if he was sleeping with someone else. He said no. But I am not sure if I beleive him. I used to beleive every word he said but have since caught him in a lie. Not a big one but a lie just the same. So I just don't know anymore.
I must say the comment to stroke his hair gave me a giggle. Thanks. He shaves his head. So no hair to stroke. And I do want to say things have gotten a little better. I love him very much and I am determined for this marrage to work. Sex or the lack of it will not stop my love.
Thanks again
1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much. It does help to hear a man's side. I know he loves me. I really do deep down inside my heart.
We don't have sex often anymore. And when we do I feel like he is only doing it for me. Can you tell me do you go looking at porn or searching for skinny, young movie stars? I don't mean kid young just younger than us. This is why I think he is not attracted to me anymore. I am not fat by no means. I do have a little belly. But not a huge one. But I am not as skinny as the women he searches for naked pictures of. And at the gym when a skinny younger woman comes in he has to look. He did say he just looks and don't want. But I know that to be a lie. I know becasue he told someone else for a ex-coworkers birthday that he would like to give her 30"licks". If he is wanting that then I know he is thinking things when he looks. And he is just not attentive to me. I am not saying I am a person that needs to be taken care of all the time. It would just be nice for him to come home from work and give me a nice kiss and hug and we could just hold each other for a second. He does sometimes but most of the time it is just a peck and he is on his way.  I tried being the aggressive one and got turned down. 3 times. So I quit. Could not take the rejection.  I guess I am just tired. Anyway. Sorry for going on like that. I am grateful for the comment. It does help some. I wish my husband was as open to talking as you are. I have learned long ago I talk and he gets mad so I just don't try anymore till one day when I just can't take it anymore. I don't fuss just talk and cry.  Thanks so much for the comment.  I hope all goes well for you and your wife.
Avatar universal
I wish mine would take my suggestion of going to the doctor for a thorough check up and see if there is an underlying problem to his ED.  He won't go and he won't even try to be healthier and that puts me in the position of feeling that he has total disregard for how his problem effects me.

I sure went out of my way when I was going through menopause to make sure I kept up on my health maintenance and accommodated his needs when there were times that I really did not feel like it.

We're both 51 and he's dead sexually, but I'm not.
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