Erectile Dysfunction Community
3.04k Members
1247529 tn?1313499931

Why my husband looses his erection during sex?

My husband and I have been married for almost 29 years. He just turned 47 and I am 46. We have I guess to say not had the best sex life.  In the beggining it was very nice. Then the kids started coming. We have 3 beautiful girls 26, 23 & 19. And we hardley ever had sex after they were born.  We were apart for 2 years ending 7 months ago. You see my husband was transfered and we decided I would stayed back home to let our youngest graduate high school there. So we only saw each ohter on the weekends. When I would come here it was wonderful. We were all alone. The sex was great. Then I moved here and the sex was off and on. More off than on again. So I decided that I wanted us back.  I Love my husband so much. And I know he loves me. The problem is he used to want sex all the time. He would raise to attention when I entered the bedroom. Well not any more. He does not seem interested even though we are alone. Now I have gained a few pounds.  I am not saying I am obese but I do need to loose about 15 pounds.  We both started going to a gym.  He needs to loose a few also. I also caught him watching porn one evening. He said someone sent it to him and he don't just watch it. So now I have the feeling he is just not sexually arroused by my body anymore becasue I don't look like the girls in the porn. He says he is but when I get into bed naked and lay on top of him kissing his neck and nothing happens he just says he is tired, then I can't beleive he is. I am not real sure about myself most of the time. I don't usually take charge like that. We talked about that and he says he likes it but most of the times I did he was not interested. So what am I to think. It does nothing for my self confidence at all. So I told him if he wants sex then he needs to let me know. I find myself just thinking of him and getting excited. So what is the problem. I think he only has sex with me most of the time becasue he senses I want to. Why can't he stay hard while we are having sex? I could see if we stopped but that is not the case, we can be in the middle of it. And just to add I am not one to just lay there. I help.  If I am giving him oral sex he is fine. And usually while he is giving me oral sex he is hard. But the last few times he is not. I mean if I start on him he does get hard.  Then we start having sex and after a bit he just goes soft. He does not ejaculate then go soft just goes soft. And then there are a few times that he can't ejaculate. So what am I to think? I am a horrible wife.  I can't even keep my husband interested during sex.  Please help.  Worriedwife
95 Responses
1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much.  I will check that out.
Avatar universal
No, you're not a horrible wife. Everyone is different, some people need sex more than others, that's normal. It's also perfectly normal for a man to go through periods of lower libido. Anxiety, stress, depression can have a drastic impact on a man's sexual performance.

You also mentioned erectile problems. This is a medical problem and, if the situation persists for more than three months, your husband should consult a urologist. ED is easily treatable, as long as he takes that first hard step and seeks professional help.

And another thing: we guys are extremely sensitive when it comes to sexual problems. Men don't like to talk about it and prefer to suffer in silence. You'll have to be extremely patient and supportive.
1205014 tn?1265731513
Your story sounds just like me. My husband and I are close to your age and have the exact problem. We use to love sex 2-3 times a week and it was passionate. Now he never seems interested and says I want it too much.  He also watches porn and I thought that was the problem as well. I try not to let it hurt me but it does deeply.  I miss the intamacy and closeness we once had. I wish he understood my feelings more. He wont talk about it and gets very defensive when I bring it up.  He is overweight and should loose 20-30 for his size.  Ive read up on ED and found out men who are overweight have less testosterone which lowers their libido. When they are overweight they also have less blood flow to the penis which causes it to be less firm. It is easier for them to masterbate then have real intercorse. Knowing this, made me feel a little better, but I am still bothered by it and take it personal. I find if we exercise like a good brisk walk , it helps his blood flow and his penis will stay firm and he can sometimes ejaculate and climax.  I hope this will be helpful, it helps me to read your story, so I know I am not alone.
1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much for a mans look.  I know everyone is different.  But he used to want it all the time.  And I do understand our age has a lot to do with it.  It is just hard I guess from him telling me he will always want me and then he is tired.  I do understand being tired also. We have talked about this part.  But sometimes I guess being the emotional person I am I take it as it is me.  I try not too but it just happens.  A woman is supposed to please her man just like he is supposed to please her.  No difference there.  And a woman is supposed to make her man feel aroused.  That is what I am having a problem with. Is it me not making him feel aroused?
I am not pushing him or making him feel bad.  When it happens I tell him it is ok.  He is a very loving man.  He tried to make sure I am taken care of.  But I think after that happens he feels bad and I am left.  He does hold me and stuff but still left needing.  I am trying to be helpful.  I still just think it is me.  Maybe when he really wants it he is ok then when he really don't but doing anyway he can't. It just hurts.
I Thanks you again for your help.  It does help more than you know,  
1247529 tn?1313499931
Yes, it is nice to know I am not alone. I don't think he is watching porn anymore.  I had asked him about it.  Now there is someone who still sends nude pictures to him through email.  But I am not worried about that.  And my husband is still interested but now and then during sex he just goes soft.  "guys are extremely sensitive when it comes to sexual problems".  I don't know how to get around that.  I know if my husband's difficulties continue I will talk to him about going to the doctor to make sure he is ok.  They say that this problem can be a physical problem.  That I worrie about.  I don't want him to be sick or have a physical problem.  I could do with out the sex if it is just ED, I just don't want him sick or hurt.  I did not know the weight thing could cause ED.  My husband is not obese.  He needs to loose about 15 to 20 pounds.  He is not a fat looking man.  He has always keep himself looking nice.  I don't know where the weight is on him.  Unlike on me.  I wonder why you can see it on women but not on men. I did figure that he will have a problem if we try to have sex more than once in a day.  Or every night then after a few night he will start having problems.  I did read up on that "cure sexual exhaustion" or "losing sexual power" that another suggested and it does seem that is what is happening in our situation.
Thanks for the info and the well wishes. I also hope yall get this all figured out too. It is a crazy thing.  Men peek in their teens or early twenty's and women in their 40's, just sad.
Avatar universal
It is not a bad idea to have him go to the doctor, but I don't think you need to suggest it.  This is his problem and I'm sure he's extremely sensitive about it.  In fact it probably upsets him much more than it does you, and I'm sure he's already questioning himself.  At some point he is going to want to go to the doctor because he wants this problem to disappear.  As gentle as you try to phrase it, asking him to go to the doctor about this would almost certainly hurt his sexual confidence even more, something you obviously don't want to do.  This is a problem that affects both of you, and if you want to be a supportive wife, the last thing you want to do is say something is wrong with YOU and YOU need to go to a doctor to satisfy me.
Avatar universal
Hi there,

to me, your husband is obviously addicted to porn, i know this as the same thing happened to me and ruined my marriage (i am male), the less he can perform in the real world the more he turns to porn, it is not that he doesn't find you attractive anymore, it's that the mind and body are not in sync regarding the reward mechanism. He may find you hot but the mind/penis is now trained to believe that porn will give him the 'reward' and not a real woman, he needs to abstain from porn (porn & masterbuation for up to 2mths to reset the brain circuitry).

Have a look at the porn/impotence threads for more info, but i'm 95% sure the issue isn't with you.

Hope that helps.
i am 33 tomorrow. i feel that way with my husband now. he still gets hard and all. but i swear everytime we are going to have se he is in the bathroom for 25 minutes before hand. im not sure i can trust him anymore. im being lied to my face. my first husband did this to me i see it all sneaking up on me again, im so hurt. oh i dont look at them like i do you. RIGHT. it hrts bad i almost left hm this past summeri didnt. but i found sex toys that he lied and said were ors and still lies about. i bought him a new phone ansked him if he has looked again which i knew he has and he said nope not since we talked. it just all hurts so bad. its hard to even trust. so i would say he just is masturbathing or soing something else. porn big thing. i would leave ine again if it got bad honestly. i even lost 80 lbs most of that was hardly eatin and stress.
1388999 tn?1370046414
Look everyone .......this is no ones fault and he is not addicted to porn ,this situation can affect up to 25% of all males over 45yrs.

The trouble is the male psyche is so damn sensitive it just takes one failure for a lot of our little petals to start worrying about it in fact they worry so much that its almost certain that it will happen next time and then ladies they are in big trouble !,so embarrassed about it they will not talk to anyone.

They try to look at porn to get that feeling back some even have affairs but nothing works really well as it is their mind not their penis.You have to convince them it is a very common problem and growing all the time in this world of stress,you must somehow get them to talk to a doctor and they will put their mind at ease somewhat.

There is so much help out there... it could be a medication he is taking and just a matter of changing it.
There is Viagra and Cialis to help and for the most stubborn mind an injection which makes the little guy stand to attention  no matter what ! IF it is in the mind, its a tiny little needle they would not feel it.

Ladies this takes a lot of tact and gentle care,..... imagine  them as poor little souls that have ! in their minds have lost what makes  them a man they feel worthless, no pressure what so ever as it will curl up and disappear.

Just be loving stroke his hair get him to talk ! tell him he means the world to you (if he does) and is there anything he would like to talk about as you know there is something on his......mind.
Never ever ask if it is you as you will give them an excuse.

Somehow they must go to a doctor this is critical for a positive outcome.The Odds are that it is mental not physical.So please stop the blame game.
Avatar universal
Let me start by saying that I am a   40 year old male. I found this site because I to have the same problem    of losing my erection during sex. I hope this helps you to hear this    from a mans side. My wife and I have been married 19 years and we still  have sex 3 to 4 times a week and sometimes I do lose my erection, but it is NOT her fault. I still think she   is as beautiful as the day I met her and I still get turned on just looking  at her so don't worry I'm sure he  still loves you but is probably    upset about the ED. My wife is very understanding and we are able to  discuss it and I made it very clear that she is not the problem so it       has helped. Hope this helps,        good luck.
1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks for the advice. Sorry it took me so long. He will not talk about it. He just says he is getting old I guess.  And I know it bothers him most of the time. But sometimes I just don't know. And I have trouble talking to him about it. I did ask if he was sleeping with someone else. He said no. But I am not sure if I beleive him. I used to beleive every word he said but have since caught him in a lie. Not a big one but a lie just the same. So I just don't know anymore.
I must say the comment to stroke his hair gave me a giggle. Thanks. He shaves his head. So no hair to stroke. And I do want to say things have gotten a little better. I love him very much and I am determined for this marrage to work. Sex or the lack of it will not stop my love.
Thanks again
1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much. It does help to hear a man's side. I know he loves me. I really do deep down inside my heart.
We don't have sex often anymore. And when we do I feel like he is only doing it for me. Can you tell me do you go looking at porn or searching for skinny, young movie stars? I don't mean kid young just younger than us. This is why I think he is not attracted to me anymore. I am not fat by no means. I do have a little belly. But not a huge one. But I am not as skinny as the women he searches for naked pictures of. And at the gym when a skinny younger woman comes in he has to look. He did say he just looks and don't want. But I know that to be a lie. I know becasue he told someone else for a ex-coworkers birthday that he would like to give her 30"licks". If he is wanting that then I know he is thinking things when he looks. And he is just not attentive to me. I am not saying I am a person that needs to be taken care of all the time. It would just be nice for him to come home from work and give me a nice kiss and hug and we could just hold each other for a second. He does sometimes but most of the time it is just a peck and he is on his way.  I tried being the aggressive one and got turned down. 3 times. So I quit. Could not take the rejection.  I guess I am just tired. Anyway. Sorry for going on like that. I am grateful for the comment. It does help some. I wish my husband was as open to talking as you are. I have learned long ago I talk and he gets mad so I just don't try anymore till one day when I just can't take it anymore. I don't fuss just talk and cry.  Thanks so much for the comment.  I hope all goes well for you and your wife.
Avatar universal
I wish mine would take my suggestion of going to the doctor for a thorough check up and see if there is an underlying problem to his ED.  He won't go and he won't even try to be healthier and that puts me in the position of feeling that he has total disregard for how his problem effects me.

I sure went out of my way when I was going through menopause to make sure I kept up on my health maintenance and accommodated his needs when there were times that I really did not feel like it.

We're both 51 and he's dead sexually, but I'm not.
Avatar universal
I have an issue that is similar. It seems during sex I can lose an erection for no apparent reason. If I am not super concentrated on what I'm doing and keeping myself hard, I will lose the erection. This unfortunately takes a lot out of enjoying sex with my girlfriend. Any kinky playful positioning or other fun is extremely difficult without the loss of erection. This being the case makes for a lot of "quickies". The point is that I really do not want to have sex with her at all because the feeling of "what's the point, it's gonna suck anyway". She swears she is satisfied, but I have trouble believing that of course. I have visited the urologist, and sorry to say, they just want to throw a box of Cialas at you and send you on your way. I'd like to know if anyone has any ideas  
Avatar universal
I am a 54 year old male and was losing an erection shortly after getting one. I chose to seek help and went to the doctor. After a penile ultrasound and penile something else (they poke a needle in your penis and make you erect with a solution, then take xrays), they found I had extra veins draining my penis of blood. Possibly could be from masturbation. I then had some surgery to remove the veins, helping me to maintain an erection. My issue now is libido and am being treated with testosterone, but haven't been on it long enough to see if the dosage is adequate. Your Husband needs to be aggressive in his pursuit of help. Also, any form of porn will not really help him. If it arouses him, maybe you both should use it to fulfill your hunger for sexual intimacy. Should he decide to go to a doctor, he can''t be docile. My Doctor was told I wanted to try something and I suggested there were other Doctors who may help me if he wouldn't. We weighed out the available choices and started on a program. Also libido and erection have nothing to do with each other, they are independent, not connected.
Avatar universal
The politically incorrect and unpleasant/brutal truth that seems to be side stepped here is that many guys in relationships are simply no longer attracted enough to their gf’s or spouses (not to blame them). It's very easy to be in denial about that. The chemistry is often not strong enough or has faded. Men are creatures who crave peak sexual experiences and intensity. It’s not strictly a woman’s looks, but that intense primal chemistry that beckons so strongly (but often correlated with looks, youth, and variety unfortunately). From a 1 to 10, men crave that 10 intensity, yet often end up in a chronic 4 or 5 situation that just doesn’t work for either party. This is what destabilizes many men. Porn, while completely artificial like a drug, can provide that peak sexual high and relief very quickly, temporarily meeting those cravings. Unfortunately like a drug, the cost is high with addiction, and sexual needs are never fully met by 2D images, but that's a whole separate topic. Anyhow, oldest story in the book, many men have affairs and recently turn to porn because their needs are no longer being met. My aim is not to insult any women by this reality check, but to save time if this applies to you. It's the hardest thing to admit to a woman that you are no longer attracted to her sexually, especially after being together for many years. But this is very much a natural part of the landscape of relationships that should not be swept under the rug.
Avatar universal
I have been married 46 years. I left my husband a year ago. I have returned but taking it a day at a time. My husband loves me sexually. He loves to see me dress in differnt close and change them until he cant. take it any longer. The problem is he can get an erectction with the help of the pill but can't climax. He says it is okay because he is satifed
We are both planning to go see a new doctor that uses a lot of natureal ways to correct help probems. I am on many medications and want to get off of them. I am type 2 diabetic and no it can be cured if I follow this doctors ways.
The problem is I am not okay with my husband not getting a climax. It is okay once in a while but not from now to forever. I just got a call back from the doctor's office to set up an appointment. My husband now tells me he is not going to go to a doctor about this.He refuses to go to most doctors. He will not even get a blood test so doctors can know what is going on with his body. He says if it ant broken don't need to fix it.
Well it is broken and he will need to get it fixed. He want sex more than anyone I know. He thinks it will be okay if we just do what we are doing which is some wonderful kissing and so on and most of the time I can climax having some problems I think it has to due with this situation. I do not have the disire he does put I am sure when I go to the doctor he can help me with that since I take alot of medications that could me causing it.
My hunband bought viagra on the internet and it helps him get mostly a full eriction but it doent's stay and he can't climax. What is werd he thinks he has an eriction when he really dosent'. I have to tell him he is not. He continues to have one and he is not. We have not had intecourse in a long time because that requires a very strong eriction and he is only able to get that to last a few seconds and then it is just hard. He is over weight and that effects his lenght making intercourse almost impossible. I am sure by the time I talke to him next he will change his mind about going to the doctor. I sent him an e-mail that it is important to me that he be able to have a complete sexual experiece and I need it for me to feel I was able to cause my husband to have a orgasum. Am I doing the wright thing incouraging him to go to the doctor? I might point out we are not going to doctor's as most know. We are going to the new doctor's treating the whole body and with way other than just prescribing medication. It is treating every thing from the type of food you eat and the suppliments. This doctor used to treat his patiecnce the old fashion way with all the drugs and stuff but now they are getting people health with life style changes. He can still request blood test to see what is or is not needed in the body. I just hope he will go because I know when things start working again for him he will ge so greatful I got him to go. Any suggestion are welcome. I have read and printed out some of the suggestion on the site so far. It is nice to hear from the men. I am 62 year old women that has a husband that adores me even though I am over weight some. I am working on that but he doen't want me to lose weight because he said I will lose my boobs. I told him I have to lose a little just so I am healther and get rid of high blood presure and diabities.
Avatar universal
I have been married for 8 years and still don't have a test of proper sex. My husband is very interested in me. He would jump on me 3 times a week but after stimulating me he can stay only for few seconds. I tried to talk to him many times and try to tell him to see a doctor. But he gets angry on me. I am very very upset about what happening with my life. I have 2 kids. The other problem is I am the bread earner in the family and he doesn't want me to talk to any man. It means any man...doesn't matter younger or older,...relative or neighbour or colleagues....Every night is a terrible night for me...He seems always satisfied and he tries to satisfy me using his finger which is horrible...any help
1842236 tn?1319203857
It is not your fault.  You did nothing.  There could be a lot of causes.  For what ever reason he is not pumping enough blood to his penis or its leaking out.  There are lots of over the counter ED pills on the market that might help.  Look for something with vitamin b-6, L-Arginime and Glutamine.  These vitamins and amino acids work with the body to enhance the penis and it might be enough to solve your problem.
Avatar universal
Yes he needs to lose that weight, get him out walking daily, get him off alcohol, and get him on a heathy diet, get him to cut out any fast foods.
Look up about DHEA its a over the counter hormon repacement, but read up about first, there some good stuff on webmd, just put DHEA in there search box, you could also try him on a cayenne mix this will help his blood flo to his penis as well, you can find about this on earth clinic, just look up ED on there.
I'v just done all this myself and it works as my wife now has her smile back, tell him from me its not just for him its for both of you.
Godd Luck.
Avatar universal
You have a pretty sexist view of women, or are living in a different time than the rest of us.  Now, women are not shrinking violets who just lay there and take it. We want it just as much as men, and have the same primal feelings you're talking about.  Older generations of women were taught that sex was something you had to endure, and it wasn't natural for a woman to want it as much as a man. This just isn't the case anymore.  It may be for a smattering of women, but for the most part, we're just as horny as men, and watch porn as well.As for not being attracted to your mate anymore:  My husband and I have been married for 27 years and are both in our fifties. Neither one of us look as great as we did years ago, but our sex life is just as hot as it ever was. In fact, it's better now that our son is grown and out of the house. We watch porn together on occasion, and try a lot of new things to keep it interesting.  The key is that we still love each other as passionately as we ever did.  We still have primal, off the chart hot sex.  My husband has experienced some mild ED during intercourse, but testosterone shots really improved it. If it happens, I don't get upset about it, or think it's me. It's age and low testosterone that causes the problem in most men his age.  I started bio-identical hormones last year, and my libido is that of a 25 year old. We're having the best sex of our lives, with a small glitch now and again. But, that's going to happen to most men as they get older. Watching porn alone will only make the problem worse for men or women.  You're right about it being a peak stimulus.  If I watch porn alone, or too often, I find it harder to orgasm without the visual stimulation, so I quit. Now, I'm back to normal.  

Women can lose their attraction for a man just as easily is things aren't right on the home front, or because guy lets himself go physically.  Why do you think there are so many women having affairs now?  And, there is a huge market for women's porn now. If you think men are the only ones losing attraction and acting out sexually, you're quite mistaken.  The world has changed, and women want the same things men have wanted since the beginning of time.  Only now we're leveling the playing field. If you have a wife or girlfriend, and you ignore here, don't be surprised if she looks elsewhere for sexual fulfillment. The dark ages are over.
Avatar universal
I'm not a doctor or a phsyciatrist (I think I spelled it right..LOL) but I believe I may be able to put the icing on the cake for some of you ladies based on my own experiences. 9.9 times out of 10.0 if your husband/boyfriend is having a problem achievng or maintaning an erecton prior to or during intercourse and are not on any type of medications for E.D. you can bet your life that his problem is due to his psycological insecurity of being inadequate...in other words the feeling that he can not satisfy you sexually with his penis.I read one post that stated how her husbands sex drive was on point and at other times it wasn't well....if this is true for any woman's husband (and of course he's not going to tell you... for we are macho )  It's because when that insecurity complex flares up it depletes his ability to become aroused and there's no self-confidence in sexual performance at all leaving his manhood useless at that point.Usually if you're with some one that loses his erection during intercourse or uses an excuse to not have intercourse this is usually why...(not because we're cheating) I'm a man I know.Wich could also explain why some men even may become abusive..and you're right..it's not fair to the woman and I agree 100% but it happens.....uuummmm dinner's ready gotta go...I hope my words were well understood
Avatar universal
My husband is older than I am. He is 43 soon to be 44 in December 2012. I am 29. When we were first married (10 years ago) he was willing and able anytime. Sometimes he wanted it so much that I was wore out, but now he hasn't kissed, hugged, or touched me in about a year. He went to his doctor who ran tests and determined that he had virtually no testostrum. His doctor put him on medicine for that. Also my husband has a back problem. When we do actually try to have sex, he will begin to get an erection, then have a back spasum, and lose it. I have tried everything from romantic nights, to forceful experiences, to just plain begging for it. His response has now became "you can just go have an affair. I won't mind" or "I thought you were finally over this." I always respond, " I only want to be with you." I am also a child sexual abuse victim and this has caused me a lot of mental problems. I constantly worry about what is wrong with me. I would guess in the last 5 years we may have had sex 10 times. Each encounter is a short, not to pleasant experience. In all other areas of our life we get along well.
Avatar universal
Where most women make the mistake is not realizing that the key is the big head not the small. I will tell you that no one hear can give you magical answers. It is important for sex to be mutual, you both need to feel that way. I can tell you, go ahead and lose some weight, for you. he will like it also, but I can guarantee that is not the problem. The only way for you to know what is bothering him is to ask. He knows whether he will admit it or not. He maybe hesitant to tell you, but he knows. You have not told us enough for me to say, do you have orgasms? You say you don't just lay there, how do you present things sexually, do you make him feel like no matter what he does its wrong? Have you asked him what excites him? Maybe you should surprise him and join him watching an adult movie. If that offends you maybe your sexual views are the problem. You also must realize the more you make of it, the more he will think about it himself during sex, and once it goes down the worst thing is to put too much pressure on yourself.
139792 tn?1498589250
Suggested exercises for Low Libido, Low level of hormones,Erectile dysfunction etc.
Male deer exercise
Female deer exercise,
kegel exercise,
Sat kriya(Satkriya)
Tadan kriya
kundalini yoga.
Massaging perineum.
Google above phrases and select those you like.You may consult doctor to rule out any medical cause and then do some of the above exercises.
Have an Answer?
Top Sexual Health Answerers
139792 tn?1498589250
Indore, India
11369760 tn?1449507972
Southwest , MI
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Dim the lights and break out the…eggs? These 10 foods will kick your sex drive into high gear.
Here are 16 facts you need to know to protect yourself from contracting or spreading a sexually transmitted disease.
The surprising benefits of getting busy
Pain, cramps and spotting — when should you call the doctor?
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.