I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!! IM CONSIDERING SUICIDE!!!

[wostar]

hi, i am really really at my lowest today i just do not know what to do anymore, it is so bad that have sat here for the last hour thinking of ways to end it all. In may 2008 i had an unprotected one night stand with a bisexual male that sleeps around alot, i also found out later that i had chlamydia at the time of exposure. We had sex for about 5 minutes and he ejaculated inside of me. I had no symptoms at all and felt completely healthy untill september/october that year my symptoms where:

flu like symptoms
headach
very severe joint pain in the knees and elbows
sore throat

when the other symptoms dissapeared i was left with bad pain in both of my knees, the hurt to this very day (almost 2 years on) they are worse when i am restin and eased by exercise. however i have started to get even more symptoms and i am now experiencing

bad fatigue
white fingernails with a small band of normal colour at the top
Still have the knee pain
reccurent mouth ulcers (i have a huge one today)
the other day i woke up and my tongue was grey at the back and still is now.

I am in a complete mess i have a 8 month old baby who has the same fingernails as me (they are also white!) i have a violent bf so i can no way talk to him at all, he would flip. I am severely phobic of any type of needles (pins) i cant even look at a photo of them with out feeling faint so i cant test. The only thing keeping me here at the moment is my son or else i would have ended it already, but i am seriously starting to think he is better of without me as a mother anymore. PLEASE PLEASE help me this is my last resort, i have absoloutley NO ONE to talk to at all about this!

[kumar007]

relax! do not take any wrong decision
when you gave birth to your son in June last year, i am sure you were tested for hiv because i reckon that is the normal procedure...am i right?

[wostar]

no i had no tests done because i am severley needle phobic. please help me i feel so lost i dont know what to do anymore.

[kumar007]

but i am sure it is a procedure to test a women for hiv before giving birth..maybe you should check your medical records for being tested before you gave birth
anyways, i suggest you should take a hiv antibody test to put your mind at ease
since ur phobic to needles,u can take a test which takes a swab from inside your mouth..

[kumar007]

where are you from?

[wostar]

im from england, and i know i didnt have a hiv test because i didnt have any needles at all, i didnt even have any when i gave birth. infact i havnt had a needle since i was eight years old. im so scared, i just want to die.

[kumar007]

do not think about suicide!
go to a local GUM clinic and speak to them
they will decide which test is the best for you
a test 3 months after your last unrotected exposure will give you a conclusive result

[Rob73!]

HIV tests are usually given as standard when you are preganant. Obivously you feel you have some issues surrounding your status. You can never rely on anyone else's test reulst to asertain your status, so an HIV antibody test taken now will give you a clonclusive result.

I won't suger coat things for you, bisexual males and their partners are considered to be a high risk group for HIV infection. That said, most people are negative. And from what you have posted your symptoms are not suggestive or HIV infection. In all likelehood this chap was negative.

Personally, I want to urge you to not do anything that might jepodise your health or safety. PLease speak to someone if you are feeling suicidial.

Get a test done. Most if not all NHS GUM clincis will now use a 4th generation DUO test, which checks for antibodies and the p24 antigen. The test is free and you can expect your results within 10 days.

[wostar]

sorry, i just really am at my lowest at the moment, thanks for the advice im going to look in to that, but then i am worried if it comes back as pos which i am almost 100% certain it will then my bf will be so angry he will leave me.

[wostar]

my symptoms just seem like they are all to do with hiv, and i feel so ill so im sure of it.

[wostar]

thankyou rob.

[Rob73!]

As I said in my reply; your symptoms are NOT suggestive of HIV infection, rather they are textbook examples of anxiety. I have white fingernails and I am sure that a lot of other people do as well!!! Also the timeframe in which you mention is too far aprt to be ARS.

I would advise that you go to your local GUM clinic. You don't have to give your real name and the results are not passed onto your GP. Get the HIV test done (I'm assuming that you have already been tested and treated for the Chlamydia infection?).

[wostar]

yes i was tested and treated for chlamidia, but my nails are very noticable they are bright white and so are my sons, im only 18 so it cant be an age thing as im still young. thankyou.

[Rob73!]

Can I ask why you are worried about your fingernails? The biggest problem we have in this forum is people who google "HIV Symptoms" and get a million and one symptoms. Normally these symptoms are related to end stage HIV illness, what would normally be called AIDS. The timeframe you have posted from your single unprotected encounter and now you would be asymptomatic, ie; no sypmtoms at all.

Get the test done and know your staus. It's the only way you will be able to move forward with your life.

[wostar]

the reason i am so worried is, because it has to be infectious as my son developed exactly the same nails as i have a few months ago. thanks i already feel much better thanks to your advice.

[Rob73!]

No it doesn;t have to be infectious. You are getting way ahead of yourself here. I can;t and won't specualte as to what is the cause, but please be aware that it could be a million and one common or garden things. Get tested. Find out your status and move on It is the only wya you will be able to move on from this.

[wostar]

i know, thanks its just being able to build up the courage to go and test, im so scared of the result. and everyone of my symptoms i type in google comes up with hiv. i know its not good to be checking any symptoms i just cant seem to help my self.

[Rob73!]

I would urge you not to sympton surf. It offers nothing good and only re-inforces your most negative thoughts. I say this out of personal experience. It's nearly midnight, so there is nothing much you can do tonight. My advice would be to get a good nights sleep. And make an appointment with your GUM clinic on Monday morning.

[wostar]

Thankyou, yo have really helped me. i feel much better now.

[Rob73!]

No probs.

[jelyse]

How can u be certain it will be positive? No one can no for sure unless they are tested. Calm down get the test and deal with the results when u get them. if have such bad anxiety about this isnt it worth facing ur fear of needles? I would think it is. everyone takes certain risks when having sex but part of being an adult is choosing who we sleep with and what precatious we should take to best protect our health. u made a mistake but everyone does and now u are really beating yourself up over this. All u can do now is accept u put urself at risk and now u are going to get tested and go from there. HIV isnt the end of the world and u probably dont even have it. But u wont    

[wostar]

thanks, that is true, but there is no way i could get over my needle fear, i cant even look at a photo of a needle, i didnt even have pain relief to give birth and my son was the wrong way round. but i am still 99.9% sure i have it anyway. when i slept with the guy i had no knowledge of hiv at all i thought it was only in africa, i was so naive an vunerable then, my mom had just kicked me out of the houe an i was in a hostel, i just wasnt thinking straight at the time. Now im paying for what i did....

[Teak]

"had no knowledge of hiv at all i thought it was only in africa," Where are you from and how old are you?

[wostar]

i know how naive right? i was so dumb then i had no knowledge of hiv what so ever. they need more education on it in schools, all i knew was it can kill you but i didnt know it was in developed countries. im from uk and im 18.

[Teak]

You can't go to any school, watch any TV, read any magazines or listen to the radio that doesn't explain how HIV is contracted.