I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!! IM CONSIDERING SUICIDE!!!

[wostar]

hi, i am really really at my lowest today i just do not know what to do anymore, it is so bad that have sat here for the last hour thinking of ways to end it all. In may 2008 i had an unprotected one night stand with a bisexual male that sleeps around alot, i also found out later that i had chlamydia at the time of exposure. We had sex for about 5 minutes and he ejaculated inside of me. I had no symptoms at all and felt completely healthy untill september/october that year my symptoms where:

flu like symptoms
headach
very severe joint pain in the knees and elbows
sore throat

when the other symptoms dissapeared i was left with bad pain in both of my knees, the hurt to this very day (almost 2 years on) they are worse when i am restin and eased by exercise. however i have started to get even more symptoms and i am now experiencing

bad fatigue
white fingernails with a small band of normal colour at the top
Still have the knee pain
reccurent mouth ulcers (i have a huge one today)
the other day i woke up and my tongue was grey at the back and still is now.

I am in a complete mess i have a 8 month old baby who has the same fingernails as me (they are also white!) i have a violent bf so i can no way talk to him at all, he would flip. I am severely phobic of any type of needles (pins) i cant even look at a photo of them with out feeling faint so i cant test. The only thing keeping me here at the moment is my son or else i would have ended it already, but i am seriously starting to think he is better of without me as a mother anymore. PLEASE PLEASE help me this is my last resort, i have absoloutley NO ONE to talk to at all about this!

[LIZZIE LOU]

you have been assessed and advised regarding testing...this forum has nothing left to offer.

there is a hiv anxiety community where you can get "support" for your anxiety...this will be better suited for you.  we have done our job here.

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/HIV-Anxiety-Support/show/595?camp=msc

[wostar]

i went to private school they acted like it was 'taboo' to talk about it, the magazines that i read had nothing about hiv in them nor did the tv or radio i watched and listened to.

[Teak]

You can't go to any school, watch any TV, read any magazines or listen to the radio that doesn't explain how HIV is contracted.

[wostar]

i know how naive right? i was so dumb then i had no knowledge of hiv what so ever. they need more education on it in schools, all i knew was it can kill you but i didnt know it was in developed countries. im from uk and im 18.

[Teak]

"had no knowledge of hiv at all i thought it was only in africa," Where are you from and how old are you?

[wostar]

thanks, that is true, but there is no way i could get over my needle fear, i cant even look at a photo of a needle, i didnt even have pain relief to give birth and my son was the wrong way round. but i am still 99.9% sure i have it anyway. when i slept with the guy i had no knowledge of hiv at all i thought it was only in africa, i was so naive an vunerable then, my mom had just kicked me out of the houe an i was in a hostel, i just wasnt thinking straight at the time. Now im paying for what i did....