Stress on the Family- Stress on me. I can't take a separation.

[BIOPHIL]

Things are getting harder by the day, now my Wife, who has been so supportive is saying she can't take it anymore and wants to separate. She says that I Am overbearing and verbaly abusive. I live for my family and my kids, and i dont know what to do. I am very ittitable sometimes, I just came back from the Doctor's office and they want me to see a psychiatrist, as I am very Disraeught. What does this all mean, what shall I do? I feel that my only strenth came from the love of my family, my own strenth is so depleted.What do I do if my wife wants to separate from me?

[snook_man]

Letter to People Without Hepatitis C

Note: This letter is one of the best found written for people without Hepatitis C. Please feel free to print this letter and give it to those that need to understand.




Having Hepatitis means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about HCV and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually mis-informed.

In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand ... These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me...

Please understand that being sick doesn't mean I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about life and work and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. That's all. It doesn't mean that I'm not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!". I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.

Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes, doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. And, just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn't mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one it gets more confusing. Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything. That's what Hepatitis does to you.

Please understand that HCV or HBV is variable. It's quite possible (for me, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I'll have trouble getting to the kitchen. Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!", if you want me to do something then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please do not take it personally. Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to loose (or gain)weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes... may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct... if I was capable of doing these things, don't you know that I would? I am working with my doctor and physical therapist and am already doing the excercise and diet that I am suppose to do. Another statement that hurts is, "You just need to push yourself more, exercise harder..." Obviously HCV deals directly with muscles, and because our muscles don't repair themselves the way your muscles do, this does far more damage than good and could result in recovery time in days or weeks or months from a single activity.

Also, Hepatitis may cause condary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were hurting and exhausted for years on end!?) but it is not created by depression. Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm out for the day (or whatever). Hepatitis does not forgive.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my friends suggest one at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even helped, all people with hepaititis then we'd know about it. This is not a drug-company conspiracy, there is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with Hepatitis if something worked we would KNOW. If after reading that, you still want to suggest a cure, then do it, but don't expect me to rush out and try it. I'll take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

In many ways I depend on you - people who are not sick - I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out... Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor, or to the physical therapist. I need you on a different level too ... you're my link to the outsideworld... if you don't come to visit me, then I might not get to see you... and, as much as it's possible, I need you to understand me.

Authored by Bek Oberin

[gr8faith]

Sorry to hear of your struggles right now.  Relationships can bring out the best and worst of us espeically when crisis and stress creep up.

I have been married for 23 years and for the past 10 have been on ADs and had various years with intensive counseling.  My doctor's were leary of letting me tx due to my history of chronic depression and mood swings.  However, I completed 24/24 this year and cleared.  It was very difficult for my husband and children to see me not be the person they have up on their pedestal.  Likewize, I had to take a second look at why I had them on pedestals.  It all boiled down to expectations we have of each other.  Thinking we could all read each other's minds and assume (U know what that means) that things were said or not as a result of something we were taking personally.

My husband and I have really had our share of loss, grief, anger, resentments and changed lives due to all of these things, not at all like what we dreamed so many years ago.  Twice through the years we talked the D word and were ready to throw in the towel.  But we didn't.  

Not sure I really have any advice, but if I can just share what has worked for us...

About 6 years ago, we sat down and talked about our hurts, dreams and expectations.  We agreed to take each other off the pedestal (which we still do daily sometimes) and put our faith in God up there instead.  Then we agreed that our children would never come before us, or God, and they would not be used as a tool or reason to get a wedge between our relationship.  (let me say the kids got really confused on this one and couldn't figure out why we had become a TEAM)

Lastly, we agreed to do whatever it takes to be the two people who started this journey out all those years ago and see it through.  To do this, we have embraced each other's differences, likes, dislikes, and uniqueness.  We have MADE ourselves take time to listen to each other (instead of hearing noise and in our own minds congure up our own responses to what we really weren't hearing)and we try to connect DAILY for at least a half hour.  We take trips on the weekends together and at least one trip a year alone together.  This can be a logistical nightmare with kids, pets, work, etc. but we do it anyway.  

Tx was hard, but we got through it, raising kids is hard, but we are doing it, being sane and healthy is a daily goal for both of us but we do it together and have learned that each day is more important than the ones behind or ahead.

I do hope your wife will come to the board and read, join in, and benifit from the wisdom and knowledge here.

Will be praying for your family.
Candy

[nanniegea]

I do hope this gets settled. I also hope that your doc will treat even though you are cirrhotic. I am too and my doc said. "at the very least my liver will get a break".  As far as your S.O.,(signifacant other)-  I hope she finds the understanding to cope with this sad and trying time. I know it can be very difficult to watch a loved one suffer but now is not the time to throw in the towel, good luck and may God bless.

[BIOPHIL]

I have two children with me here at the house, it is Friday, and she is outsomewhere with her cellphone off.

[BIOPHIL]

Thank you all. I will ask her to look at this thread. regarding the possible/probable seaparation:I WANT TO PREFACE IT BY SAYING THAT I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH IN THE PAST, TAKING HER LOVE FOR GRANTED ETC. CALIFIA YOU ARE SAYING SOME THINGS THAT RESONATE WITH ME, I AGREE, A separation is tough anytime but now of all times, for Goddess-sake. The suffering makes my body feel worse. my emotions just ask my body to shut down, to give up.

Again, thank you all, I Am sorry to bring up drama.

[BIOPHIL]

Thank you both. I have not started treatment yet, as i am Cirrhotic and am being evaluated for a transplant. Later perhaps, after they are sure that they have the Aesophaghal Varicies under some control, and my psychological situation in order maybe they will put me on treatment, maybe. I thank you both for your kind words. I will tell her that i will do whatever i need to in order to stay together, but that is not in my hands.