How do you tell a potential partner and when?

[budicca]

Hello all.  I've had herpes for over ten years now.  I'm about to get divorced from my husband who seems to have come out of it unscathed as far as that goes.  As I now face the dating game again, my question is: what is the best way to tell someone you have herpes and when? Obviously I don't want to tell them after we have sex but I'd like some advice on when the best time to approach that subject is. It's not exactly a good dinner conversation but I want my next partner to have a fair chance to make an informed decision; protected, unprotected or not at all. Thanks in advance.

[gracefromHHP]

it's different for everyone as to when they bring it up. None is the wrong approach as long as it's before the clothes come off.  some folks do it on their personal ad. Some do it on the first date. Others wait months. It's all up to you.  As for myself, when we start doing a lot of making out like teenagers, I know it's time to have "the talk".  If it's a one night stand type of deal, then it's the abbreviated talk that night.

The herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com offers suggestions on how to have the talk. Also www.ashastd.org under the herpes section has suggestions too.  Both are free resources.

Also remember - it's so not just all about your herpes! It's about birth control, condoms and what testing your partner has had done too.  

grace

[Survivor365]

If you are wanting to start a new relationship; then your partner should care enough about you to listen to what you say.  This sounds really crude but this is something if they get without knowing you have you could have potentially given them something that will last a lifetime.  The best advice besides being honest (when the time is right, before sex) is how would you feel in this situation?  How did you feel when first diagnosed? I don't even have my cultures back yet, I have two conflicting reports and when I found out I was devasted.  If this person really cares about you; return the favor and care enough to inform them.  

Just for the record I doubt your husband is unscathed; he may not know he is a carrier but he still probably has it.  I am recently divorced to so; keep your chin up.  You will get through this.