Heartbroken. Boyfriend has Ptsd. He just broke up with me. What should I do?

[lynn182691]

I'm 29 yr/ F. I have been dating someone with PTSD for about one year. The relationship began casual, as most do. But after awhile I started developing feelings for him to the point of now being in love with him.

Initially he wasn't taking any medication for his PTSD and it really affected his social life. He would go through spells where he wouldn't want to see me or anybody for weeks at a time. It hurt me but I kept telling him that I would wait for him and that I was here for him and I always tried to give him his space as he needed it.

Eventually he got some help and was prescribed some medication for the PTSD. It was amazing how much of a difference it made. He started to want to include me more in his life. It seemed like he started to connect with me more and he was spending a lot more time with me. We had a lot of fun together and I really felt like he was starting to open up to me.

However, he never told me how he felt about me. He never expressed any type of feelings for me. I just felt like he was starting to care for me because it seemed like he was making an effort to get closer to me by spending more time with me and inviting me to do more things with him. He just never expressed his feelings for me verbally and that was difficult for me. He also never wanted to put a "title" to our relationship, i.e., become "official" boyfriend/girlfriend. I was okay with this just because I loved him and wanted him in my life.

But then just a few days ago he texted me out of the blue and told me that he couldn't keep dragging me along. He said he doesn't feel love the way he's supposed to and it wasn't fair to me to stay in a relationship with me. He said I didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't feel right about it.

I am completely crushed. I have had the absolute WORST few days of my life. I am so heartbroken. I want him to know that I can be supportive of him like I've always tried to be. I want to be there for him. I want to care for him and love him. I want him in my life!

How do I know if he is just going through one of his "bad spells" from his PTSD where he wants to shut me out, or if he really just doesn't want to be with me anymore?? Do people with PTSD typically shut people out and then end up contacting them later, trying to salvage the relationship?

Should I just leave him alone and risk never talking to him again? I hate that feeling. We were like best friends and now nothing! Its the worst feeling in the world.

Is it likely that he will want to get back together after awhile? Or should I just forget all hope of getting him back in my life and move on?

Some wisdom is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[nz16]

This happened to me last week when my boyfriend came back from deployment. The first day was amazing and then completely shutdown. He ignored calls and texts for a day or two, until I showed up at his apartment which then he said our relationship was going to workout and have no choice but to move on. Im a fighter, and the gut feeling inside of me is telling me to fight. Should I respect his wishes. I know he loves me, its there under the layers of fear, anxiety, and angered. I was not aware of how ugly the PTSD beast is, and I hurt for him. I want to help him in some way. Im confused and hurt.

[galindc]

These are all great comments and resonate with my own experiences -- emotional distance, disengagement, etc.  A great book to recommend -- "Once a Warrior..." by Charlie Hoge.  It gave me some great perspective and the first person stories were tremendously helpful. Praying for all who suffer from PTSD and those who love them, from afar or near.

[1bluetree]

Wow! I am going thru the same thing! 2 yrs with a Ret. 26 yr Veteran. He got out in 2006.  He has shut down on me. I last saw him in May 2013.  5 weeks I was with him in GA.  I live in CA.   We have been flying back n forth to see each other.  Most of our relationship has been pretty good...this is his 2 nd shutdown on me.  It's now 2 weeks. Will not get my calls or return texts. He was to move here by Oct 11.  Since May, the texting stopped in Aug.  then it got to where I was the only one calling...then I had to make a fuss, then he would callback ....to now nothing.   No reason or anything...because he has ran before....and I am very educated on this PTSD...I know now what's going on.   I'm hurt too.    I will fly to GA in Nov....and try and get some answers...see if we can salvage this.     We met in 1983. He 18, me 19.  We were best friends back then...well he left to Germany, and I did not see him again for 30 yrs! He found me thru Facebook! We got together in 2011, and fell in love. The 1st time he shutdown was in Nov 2011 thru July 2012.   In between, he sent me texts...far and in between. Maybe 2 lines worth. So since 2012 till now, it's been pretty good.   Now this happens, and I don't know why.   I fear he may not be able to leave GA.   I can only pray now.

[shalynn71]

I loved reading your response.  I have a boyfriend who was an Army Ranger for 12 years and he is suffering from severe PTSD.   Your stories and others like it are like reading about myself.   I just dont know whether to end it or keep hanging on.  He says he doesnt trust me but he loves me and doesnt want to lose me.  That is so confusing to me.  God I hate this situation.  I pray for him every night.  Hopefully God is listening.

[a1211926]

Thank you for writing this. You addressed so many of the concerns and fears I have had after being abandoned by my Marine with PTSD. I'd always tried to love him no matter what--sometimes it felt like I was trying to love and hold a tornado, but I always told myself that as long as he knew that I didn't care, that in the end, that would be all that mattered. I'm glad someone understands. Thank you.

[lovelost1987]

the love of my life just did the same last night. completely pushed himself away and cut me off. i feel at a complete loss and wish i could understand why he is feeling how he is feeling. he refuses to see a therapist and rarely tells me his worries. we have been together for a year and a half, but recently he has been more distant and his normally passive, docile demeanor has turned angry and borderline aggressive. i really dont understand it. he told me he thinks about how much easier life would be if he were dead. now he has ended things with me and i am so heartbroken but also scared for him. he wont talk to his family either. i don't understand what happened to push him over the edge. please help! i feel like i contributed to this, but i didn;t understand what was going on in his head.