Heartbroken. Boyfriend has Ptsd. He just broke up with me. What should I do?

[lynn182691]

I'm 29 yr/ F. I have been dating someone with PTSD for about one year. The relationship began casual, as most do. But after awhile I started developing feelings for him to the point of now being in love with him.

Initially he wasn't taking any medication for his PTSD and it really affected his social life. He would go through spells where he wouldn't want to see me or anybody for weeks at a time. It hurt me but I kept telling him that I would wait for him and that I was here for him and I always tried to give him his space as he needed it.

Eventually he got some help and was prescribed some medication for the PTSD. It was amazing how much of a difference it made. He started to want to include me more in his life. It seemed like he started to connect with me more and he was spending a lot more time with me. We had a lot of fun together and I really felt like he was starting to open up to me.

However, he never told me how he felt about me. He never expressed any type of feelings for me. I just felt like he was starting to care for me because it seemed like he was making an effort to get closer to me by spending more time with me and inviting me to do more things with him. He just never expressed his feelings for me verbally and that was difficult for me. He also never wanted to put a "title" to our relationship, i.e., become "official" boyfriend/girlfriend. I was okay with this just because I loved him and wanted him in my life.

But then just a few days ago he texted me out of the blue and told me that he couldn't keep dragging me along. He said he doesn't feel love the way he's supposed to and it wasn't fair to me to stay in a relationship with me. He said I didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't feel right about it.

I am completely crushed. I have had the absolute WORST few days of my life. I am so heartbroken. I want him to know that I can be supportive of him like I've always tried to be. I want to be there for him. I want to care for him and love him. I want him in my life!

How do I know if he is just going through one of his "bad spells" from his PTSD where he wants to shut me out, or if he really just doesn't want to be with me anymore?? Do people with PTSD typically shut people out and then end up contacting them later, trying to salvage the relationship?

Should I just leave him alone and risk never talking to him again? I hate that feeling. We were like best friends and now nothing! Its the worst feeling in the world.

Is it likely that he will want to get back together after awhile? Or should I just forget all hope of getting him back in my life and move on?

Some wisdom is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Steph2860]

I am in a similar situation, and wanted to share what I've learned. If someone asks you to walk away, then I think that's the best possible thing to do. It's great if (as alynn77 recommends) you can end it with respect and affection, rather than anger. Makes it easier for both people. The person with PTSD is full of unpredictible pain, and the person loving them has been along for the ride - trying to be a buffer, and getting damaged in the process. I think both partners need counselling - on their own. If each is able to heal, then it may be possible to be friends again in future. Worst case scenario after good counselling is that each person starts to feel more whole : )

I'd really recommend looking for a counsellor who does Somatic Experiencing - it focuses on healing from the body, rather than talking over problems and solutions. I've had a couple of sessions so far, and it has really helped.

Hoping for the best for all of you!

[jaykay470]

I have been going through the same thing, last month, my veteran out of the blue told me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore.  Then he disappeared, became cold, constantly putting me down, finding fault with everything, started having nightmares and wetting the bed.  I'm a nurturer by heart and and dying bc all i want to do is help him and be there for him, but he has cut me out of his life.  He won't talk to me, email, or text. I have decided to let him be bc he asked me for his space.  I don't know what else to do.  It has been 5 weeks, and I still cry like the day it happened.  I feel a little better when i realize that it wasn't me, that it is his brain, but still i still kind of take it personal.  It just hurts so bad, and question how can this be happening if he is 'the one'.  it took me 20 years to find him (i am 37 and never married) and I like to fight for things.  By just letting go, i feel like I am giving up, but what else can I do?  I do find some comfort in knowing that I am not the only one this is happening to.

[Criketsinafield]

Let go. Its good for u .

U are not the only one.
Triggers are hard to navigate .... U need to focus on being calm and colected and if he has triggers learn them . dance gracefully around them. A healthy sober life is purly a battle of its own .

Find the nature u have that attracted him in the first place and be your self completely with out compromise .

Then perhaps those extreme expirences will heal but stress induces fits of night terrors so keep the zen bright and real.

Send it from far away from far away from earth to sorce to love for real. Through night terrors even some light may seep in . this was in 2011 ... Did he stay away ?  

[AnnaMariaQQss]

  I can relate to everyone on this. My concern for us in these situations it can/will emotionally hurt us. I found it important to myself, once I decided I was in it for the long haul, was seeking out consoling for myself so I could respond in a positive, helpful way. Please take care of yourselves as your happiness is the key to being helpful to that loved one with  PTSD. Best of wishes, Anna

[Criketsinafield]

I would love to see a storry of postive out come in the loving of victomes of war but Is that so redundant. .. But perhaps its not perhapps the fun times u show him tje positive nature pehrpas all these storrues have one common future ?

Commitment is overwhelming ? When u dont know how stable u can actualy be. .. Even if u wanted to ... Could u realy be the lover she needs. ?

[alynn77]

Hello, I do feel for you both and especially for the individuals going through PTSD.  I was in a long distance relationship with someone in the US airforce, our relationship was long distance, very close to getting married...his first deployment was in Iraq, he came back six to seven months after...seemed the same but wasn't, told me he loved me then never heard from him again...during his return, he was moody, having nightmares, couldn't sleep, very angry and was slowly withdrawing and just didn't care...shortly after his return from Iraq, before he could even deal with being back to civilian life, he was deployed again to Afghanistan and again tried contacting me again..I had moved on but my heart was still with him...when he came back from this deployment...after almost three years of not seeing him...he came back to me wanting things to work, flew down to see me, asking for another chance from my family and I...spent the holidays with him and he confided in me about what he was going through and wanted me to be there for him, wanted to move forward with me and that he needed me....two months later, he started withdrawing again so I flew down to make sure he was okay....he wasn't...mentally he was all over the place, angry...moody....cold...emotional....numb and he admitted to seeing a doctor every now and then.  He felt like **** and that he was no good...said he still had feelings for me but constantly questioning himself.and couldn't reach those feelings..when I finally said...let go...he didn't want to but wasn't sure about anything...

All I can tell you both is that the best thing for individuals with PTSD is time to themselves...space....the realization that they need help on their own...when I saw my boyfriend for the very last time, I was very loving to him no matter how destroyed my heart had been from him after the last three years of depression, no closure, no answers...I was not angry and reminded him how much of an amazing man, a wonderful human being that he is and not to let those deployments define who he is...I told him that I love him very much, how valuable of a person he is to me, how I wanted the both of us to be there for each other... but that he needed to heal...his response was...tears...emotion...I broke through a little bit but it wasn't enough.  He may have been cold to me, unsure..but I responded to him in the most loving way consistently and then the next day I had to fly home.  I don't hear from him anymore, when I checked in to the airport, I broke down into tears b/c I had been in depression over him over the last three years and after thinking that I had accepted everything, he came back only to leave me in pain again...but it's not his fault... but I hope he's okay b/c now it's my turn to heal again...even after three years...another year to heal my own heart and to pray for him.  Half the time, they don't know that they have PTSD but they will remember your loving ways in their process of healing and hopefully that will give your men strength...I still love him very much and it hurts to think about him but....you have to take things one day at a time and accept that at the end of all your pain...something has to give whether it be a life with or without them...From what I know...PTSD is like a bug that they can't get rid of in their heads but if they know deep down during those down times where they are able to escape from the numbness, that they are loved or remember those loving times with their loved ones...it hopefully helps them heal...instead of hoping and wondering when they will come back to you...it's more peaceful to hope that they heal first.  All the best to everyone here dealing with a loved one who has this and especially to the individuals who are going through it first hand...my heart goes to you especially....it's not your fault...blame it on the PTSD...not on your heart.

God Bless,
alynn77

[bugbear7]

hi

im dealing with a very similar situation. my boyfriend broke up with me after 3 and a half years out of nowhere - he has ptsd from an 15 month tour in afghanistan. hes shut down a few times before - a few days or weeks at most, but this time, its been 6 weeks and im losing it. he tells me he needs to figure stuff out, he doesnt know if hes capable of loving another person, and that he has a black heart, and i should run far away and save myself. thats the last thing i want to do. i told him im here and im not going anywhere, but he doesnt seem to care. hes barely spoken to me and only does so when i push, and its filled with anger and hostility. i dont know whats happening or where the guy i fell in love with went. i want him back but i dont know what to do and friends and family arent much support. does anyone have any advice?

[brice1967]

A recent occurance within my family has led to a couple PTSD diagnosis's and therefore I have read so much about PTSD.  

We've come so far with PTSD concerning meds and therapy.  Meds alone are probably not going to solve this gentlemans problems.

If you do get to talk to him again, you can let him know that you are willing to help, but he has to want to get help himself.... take a break until he is ready.