Being selfish?? Kinda long

[mellie4]

Well, another vent.  More on my sister that thinks I need rehab.  Apparently after I gave her some links and told her to educate herself on chronic pain, opioid management, RSD, arthritis, fibromyalgia, joint replacement, and addiction vs. tolerance/dependence, she did a little research and she understands better.   But she's really only mouthing the words.  I told her that I don't really expect her to understand since unless you experience it yourself, you really only believe what you actually see.  And what she sees is someone who looks okay.

Yesterday was my oldest daughter's 18th birthday.  We had a party.  My sister earlier in the week had told me she wanted to "help" me more, be more available, etc.  (When I tell you I never ask for help, I'm not kidding.  If it's offered, I may take someone up on it.) She asked what was I doing for Liv's birthday, and I said cookout with family and a few friends.  She said, "I'll come over and help you get ready."   I told her I really appreciated it and thanked her.

I shopped at Costco Saturday.  That always puts me over the top because everything is so big and heavy by the time I get to the checkout, my hands are throbbing.  But I couldn't take any of the BT meds since I still had kids to pick up later.  Get home, unload the car, put things away, pick up kids.  Take my BT meds, but I've let it go so over-the-top pain-wise, they don't help much, and I don't get a great night's sleep.  Next morning I woke up early (5 am) still in a lot of pain. But I figure I can take 2 pain pills and try to sleep a little more because my sister is going to help me.

Long story a little shorter, I'm cooking, cleaning, chopping and crying because my hands hurt so bad.  I'm yelling at the kids and my dad.  Finally I call my sister at 12:40 (party starts at 3) and ask her when she's coming.   I can tell she is either still drunk or very hung over from the night before.  (She had a party.)  She tells me, I was going to come around 2:00; we didn't have definite plans.  I blew up and yelled at her and told her forget it, that I could tell she was drunk and coming an hour early wasn't going to be much help.

Luckily everyone was late.  My sister told my daughter unless I apologized she wouldn't come. So I did.  Because I know my daughter wanted her there.  When, when, when will I learn that it is an exercise in frustration to rely on others?

Anyway, tonight I'm being selfish.  I'm feeding my dad and kids early and then heading to my boyfriend's house for the night.  I'll have some great conversation, no one bugging me for anything, and a nice dinner.  I feel so selfish ... like I'm running away, but honestly, if I don't have a few hours to myself, I'm just going to lose it.

I wish my sister could understand.  My mom had terrible chronic pain and while my sister wasn't mean to her, I don't think she really understood what was going on with her.  Even I didn't, though I did have fibromyalgia and mild arthritis at the time.  But now I know how bad it was for her.

Just venting and ranting in the only place I can ... I know some of you have families that don't understand.  Most of the time I can handle it, but lately it's really getting to me.

[JadedSweetheart]

Sometimes I'm reminded that it's good I was raised an only child.  If I had a sister like that I'd move away.
There's nothing wrong with taking time for yourself.  It makes us all better at what we need to do when we take some time to do what we want to do.
I hope you have a great time, you deserve it!

[flower12345]

It's sad that your sister isn't supportive and that she treats you that way. It's good that you're getting out. You deserve to get some rest.

Flower

[Jaybay]

Have fun and go relax without guilt.  I'm glad you're taking the time to take care of yourself and unwind.  There's no point in holding all in only to have a major meltdown with your kids and say or do things you'll regret later.  Enjoy!

[mellie4]

Thanks to all of you.  I really don't know where I'd be without this forum.  I am lucky in a way that my BF has chronic pain.  He never gets annoyed if I say I don't want to go out or see him.

The party turned out fine.  House was not as clean as I'd like, but we were mostly outside, and if you didn't look too close, you probably wouldn't notice.

I guess what I hate the most about CP is it makes me feel resentful, mostly of my family. My kids are old enough to know my issues.  But they are like all kids, self-absorbed.  Unless I'm melting down they just don't help. I should have trained them better.

I just want 24 hours where they don't ask for something.  I feel like they are constantly taking, taking, taking.  I'm broke.  They know I have a limited income now due to my injury.  When I worked we had a really nice life. Not rich, but 2 or 3 vacations a year.  Usually Disney in April, maybe Mexico in the winter. Never said no to clothes.  They really weren't greedy but had got used to a certain standard.   I hate telling them no. They have what they need.  They have cell phones, but they're not the ones they want.  I try reminding them about kids with no food, etc., but it falls on deaf ears.  I suppose I was the same way to a certain extent, but  when I was growing up, things were simpler.  

Hmm, M&M's.  Works for me :)  It amazes me how at times one pill can do wonders and other times 3 does nothing.

Now I have to go "pretty up."  I spent the day cleaning up after last night and need to do some damage control to myself.  I wish he was coming here.  My house is a little nicer.  My room is clean.  His room is like a college frat boy's.  (But he's promised to clean up before I come.)  I don't even think I want to go out to eat.  Maybe get takeout.  I love spending time with him and his schedule is really busy so we always end up staying up all night chatting.  (But I can take a nap tomorrow!)

Thanks to all of you.I love my sister.  We are just so different, always have been.  And while I know she's an alcoholic, she doesn't see it that way as she's functional.  

[mummy3too]

Like you needed the stress, right?

I volunteer a lot. (too much actually) but I have learned that when people offer to help me, I let them know when they offer that I am now planning on them to be there (or bring such and such) and if they can't make it, to give me as much lead time as they can. Otherwise I will be left with too many projects undone.

I have to tell them, when they offer their help, what they will be doing. I am like you - I rarely ask for help...from family or friends. And truthfully take on way too much. For a while I even stopped accepting help when offered because people were not terribly reliable. I found out that telling them up front what they could do - gave them a job (not just a flimsy, I'll be there to help) and they responded differently.

If she offers in the future, maybe you could be specific in what she could do to help and if she fails to come through again.. then you can either say "thank you, but no thank you" in the future - or accept her offer of help but plan on her being AWAL. If she shows up great, but if she doesn't you are still on track.

Regardless, I am sooooo sorry she did that to you. We all know how added stress increases our pain levels and makes our meds useless.

Although it might be for another post, I have been wondering myself why this is so - is it adrenaline (during stressful times) that makes the pain meds less effective? I have bit off more than I can chew right now and my stress levels are high - I might as well be taking an M&M when I take my meds. It does nothing.

Maybe I will open a bag of M&M's and at least enjoy the chocolate every 6 hours!

Hope the party went well, regardless. Happy Birthday to your Daughter!

Mum

[melissaky]

Don't feel bad for taking some time for yourself . That really bites that your sister would accuse you of addiction when she clearly has problems of her own . I now what you mean about people not understanding .When I first got into PM I told my friends and talked about my meds .Never again .I could not believe the judgemental way they treated me .That's why i was so happy to find this forum .I had no one to talk about any of this with because my hubby doesn't really get it either .He just sees me taking what seems to be a lot of pills .He worries about addiction because my sister became horribly addicted after two back surgeries and ended up with 22 counts of Dr shopping so I get that but because of what happened to her i am hyper alert about controlling my meds . My sister has had addiction issues before she ever had surgery with alcohol and street drugs so it's a whole different thing with me cause i have never had those kind of problems .I can totally identify with you on having a sis with alcoholism .I could never depend on her for anything .She would tell me all the time she would be there to help me and not show up .Every holiday or gathering of our family I always had at my house and did all the planning , preparation ,cooking whatever needed to be done .She would come breezing in 2 sheets to the wind and I would be so p.o.ed .I finally just had to realize i couldn't count on her and not let it bother me . She is clean and sober now and we have worked to rebuild our relationship  so don't give up hope .I hope your daughter had a wonderful 18th birthday despite everything . Don't let what other people think bother you .I have gotten very thick skinned through all this and I am not going to live my life to suit anyone but me and if others don't like it or get it screw em .That may sound harsh but it's just the way I feel . Live your life the way you want and don't let anybody make you feel bad about having to take meds to control your pain .Anytime you want to vent or talk I am always here for you .I do get it and I understand and I will never judge you .Sometimes just getting it off your chest makes you feel better . Take care honey  Melissa

[mellie4]

You guys are the best!!!

[namnam46]

ABSOLUTELY!!

EVERYTHING that Sara said is the TRUTH!!!  PLEASE stop apologizing for your Pain!!! She ISN'T going to hear you.

You DEFINITELY need to ISOLATE yourself form her.

I hope that you have a WONDERFUL evening and ENJOY that WONDERFUL dinner and the conversation and let yourself BE PAMPERED tonight!! YOU DESERVE it!!!

MORE MEGA ((((HUGS!!))))....Mama Sherry