In a funk ... among other things

[mellie4]

Sorry this is so long ... but just typing it, I feel a bit of a release.  (Yes, it's a whiny, cry baby post!) I hope everyone enjoyed Thanksgiving.  I'm sure there are some with more pain from overdoing it.  I go to my brother's but he only does the turkey and gravy and my sister, myself and his in-laws bring everything else.  I also cooked a whole dinner for my own house so we'd have leftovers.  My daughter did help a bit.  She did the stuffed mushrooms for me, which was huge since stuffing them kills me.  But they're a huge hit and people would be really disappointed if I didn't make them.  My boyfriend came (2nd year now) and I was very happy about that.  He has huge anxiety around people he doesn't know well and my brother has a big crowd.  It means so much to know he makes that effort for me.

These days he's the only one I feel happy around.  Probably because he also has chronic pain (that's under-treated) and is so accepting and nonjudgmental.  (Long story short:  met him 2 years ago; dated for about 6 weeks and then sort of went our separate ways but kept in touch.  Summer of '09 met to catch up and for whatever reason, timing, who knows, just had a whirlwind courtship ... engaged in late December.  He got cold feet and I felt rushed.  Put the wedding on the shelf for now and just enjoy today ... and it's perfect.)

I've been having a terrible fibro flare-up.  Diagnosed with that 10 years ago but it had been under great control until (in hindsight) it started acting up again after a bad car accident in April.  (Those of you who know me know my biggest pain issue has been my hands, especially the left after 9 surgeries following a failed joint replacement surgery 3 years ago.)

Anyway, the fibro has been getting really bad to the point  where I'm having trouble walking, getting in and out of the car, the stairs, etc.  The past few weeks it's been more consistent and the past couple of days it's been 24/7.  I'm disappointed that the pain medicine I'm on isn't covering the fibro secondarily.

My pain management team knows I have fibromyalgia (as well as a few other chronic pain problems that haven't been troublesome for a while.)  But the only treat me for my hand issues as I'm on worker's comp.  Problem: I have no health insurance at the moment.  My ex was carrying it, was fired from his job and lost the insurance.  I didn't find out until nearly a year later when I started getting bills.  (And I have a huge debt from it which at the moment I can't even chip away at since I'm on worker's comp and money is so tight.)  I have managed to get insurance for 2 of my kids and my oldest is covered through college.  I need to get on the ball and try to get it for myself and my youngest.

I am pretty depressed and find it really hard to follow through on anything.  I was always pretty neat ... things are a mess.  I had to let the cleaning lady go (hopefully temporarily) due to finances.  Christmas is coming and I'm overwhelmed thinking how I'll be able to get these kids what they want and need.  I've always enjoyed being around people and find myself avoiding everyone (except Michael.)  My family doesn't get it.  I am barely speaking to my sister over the terribly rude things she has said to me.

I know a lot of you have had similar problems with people not understanding chronic pain.  My sister has accused me of being lazy, a drug addict, mentally ill ... the list goes on.  Then she'll turn around and tell me, "Tell me what you need, and I'll be happy to help."  When I do, she rolls her eyes or doesn't follow through.  I've been avoiding her because I find her judgmental, hypocritical, gossipy and condescending and then tries to tell me she's concerned.  She has convinced my 18-year old daughter, who's at college, that there's something wrong with me mentally and as a result, our relationship is deteriorating.  I'm finding her to be selfish, spoiled, intolerant of me.  We've always had a close, loving relationship and this hurts the most.  And I miss her terribly with her away at college.

I miss my mom terribly. She died 4.5 years ago. She was my best friend and biggest fan.  She always made me feel I could cope.  

Since being out on worker's comp I feel like a giant failure.  I feel I've failed my kids.  I'm not the mom I used to be.  I never thought I'd be 47, broke, in terrible pain and depressed.  I've always paid a lot of attention to my appearance.  Even if I was "just" at home, I would be dressed with make up on and hair done.  I only do it now if Michael's coming over.  Otherwise it's sweats, no makeup, a ponytail.

I tried to see a pain psychologist but couldn't find one that would accept the worker's comp rate.  I am on a pretty high dose of Cymbalta.  It was prescribed for nerve pain but I figured I'd avoid any depression that goes along with chronic pain but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I've always loved Christmas.  I loved the music, decorating, shopping, wrapping ... I am dreading all of it.

Sorry this is so long AND so negative.  I just need to vent.  I'm thinking of asking the PM team about going on Lyrica.  I used it years ago for fibromyalgia with great results and no side effects.  Then with the RSD I tried it last year (and also tried Neurontin) and couldn't tolerate either of them.  I'm thinking maybe it was due to a combination of medicines.  First time I took it I wasn't on anything else.  I'm also thinking of asking if there's another antidepressant that helps with nerve pain other than Cymbalta.  I don't find it helps much with the pain and it is definitely not helping with the depression.

I haven't been posting or responding to posts here too much lately but I do come on and read.  And I do keep my friends here in my prayers and thoughts.

I'll get a slight reprieve tomorrow since Michael always spends Saturday night here and goes home Sunday night.  (He only lives a half hour or so away but with both of us having chronic pain that can sometimes be too much to drive.)  He also works 6 days a week (though his hours have been cut to 3 hours a day ... ugh.)  I've lucked out this month with the holidays.  (Whenever he has a day off, he spends the night before and the holiday with me.)  I'm grateful that he's so understanding.  He's content to watch movies with me and stay home.  We have great chats.  We rarely argue or get on each other's nerves.  I always feel I don't have to fake it with him.  If I'm limping with the arthritis or fibro, he never mentions it.  (Unless I do and then he's compassionate.  He just loves me for how I am, however I may be that day!)

[deadgamegrrl]

Hi!

I can relate to your post.  I'm an only child (divorced, no kids) whose parents passed away 4 & 6 years ago.  I miss them both, and its only gotten worse since I got diagnosed w/fibro this year. I feel like a 10 year old that just 'wants her mommy!'

I do have some close friends but the majority of them just don't get where I'm at right now.  They still want me to do everything just the way I always have (Ms super-athlete, business owner, personal trainer) and just get impatient when I say things like 'I don't want to have to sit in a car for 3 hours, or I don't want to go somewhere where I don't have an escape route if the pain is too bad'.  They think because I'm still active, everything is great.  Well, I'm active by the skin of my teeth!  If I go work out, I drive, even though its 3 blocks, so I know I can get back.  If I walk the dog, I do laps at the park, so I don't end up 2 miles from home.  And I kind of have to keep training, because who wants to hire and out-of-shape personal trainer?  And just because I survived one dance class, doesn't mean my body can take it 3 times a week.

I feel guilty complaining because I know, like you said, so many others have it so much worse.  And I've mostly been doing a good job of staying positive, but the holidays always pretty much stink for me anyway, and this year I have fibro on top of it.  I never got to spend Christmas w/my parents (mom got really depressed for the holidays too so once I turned 18 they went on holiday cruises every year), so I've always been a holiday orphan struggling w/her own depression issues.

Celexa has been doing a good job w/my depression but I don't know if its a match for the holidays.  I'm glad you have a supportive, caring guy in your life.

Sorry for the length of my own rant, and hopefully we can pull each other through this!

(((Gentle hugs)))
--dgg

[flower12345]

Hi Mellie. I'm sorry that you're dealing with so much right now. It's really sad that your sister treats you that way. Since we're in pain so much, it helps a lot to have supportive, loving people around us, and when they act the opposite, it can really bring us down. I wish that I had some advice, but I don't really have any because when people have treated me that way, I have just stopped talking to them and that's not necessarily the best thing to do.

It's wonderful that you have Michael. It's rare to find someone who is kind, patient, and who understands chronic pain.

Please know that we're here for you and I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Many, many hugs,

Flower

[mellie4]

Thanks, Sherry; you are the best! My daughter is seeing a counselor at college and says it's helping.  She is really a great kid but her biggest fault is "I don't want to know."  Hopefully counseling will help.  She does not like having a disabled mother.  Or a father who is a drunk and a drug addict.  And I know when she's irritable with me it's only because she can be.

I appreciate Michael every minute of every day.  I have never had a relationship like this and I know God put him in my life.  We have very rarely argued.  He is just kind and respectful.  I love how he treats me AND how he treats others.  My ex was rude and abusive; not just to me but to many.  To have a relationship with someone that I NEVER get tired of talking with or being with is a huge blessing.  We've talked about living together but it's not the right time just yet.  We have to consider his daughter as well as my kids.  And it's likely he's going to be transferred somewhere for work and we really need to know where.  Though it won't matter where for me since I won't be moving anywhere until my kids are out of school and my dad is gone, which hopefully won't be for a long time.  

My sister probably wouldn't benefit from talking with my doctors.  She's the type who doesn't believe in psychiatrists or mental illness and I suspect she doesn't believe in things like fibromyalgia, CFS, CP, RSD or anything else that doesn't definitively show on a conclusive test, like a broken bone.  I feel bad for her in a lot of ways because she sees  everything in black and white.  She doesn't have a lot of empathy and never has.  We are just wired very differently.  The difference is that even though I don't always understand her, I do respect her and don't judge her lifestyle.  Unfortunately she doesn't give me the same courtesy.  She tends to be rather tactless in general, not just with me.

I'll have to get over this little pity party.  There are sooo many people so much worse off than me, both here on this board and also people I know in real life.

Thanks, Mama Sherry... you are always a bright spot for so many.

[namnam46]

Sweetheart,

It breaks my heart to see one of my Dearest Friends hurting like this.  It makes me so unhappy that I can't just pick up a magic wand and "FIX" everything for you!! There's nothing worse for us than to lose our Mother's when they have been our cheerleader's and our "biggest fans"!!  What I do is to try and remember EVERYTHING that she would say to me to help me get out of the "dumps" everytime I would slip in to the doldrums. NEVER forget that feeling of love that she heaped upon you EACH time that you heard her voice!!

You are one of the most WONDERFUL people I have met on here. You are ALWAYS there for everyone no matter what.  I KNEW there was something wrong because I haven't seen you posting on here.  I was PRAYING that it was because of the Holidays and you were just busy doing the FUN things that you do at this time of year.

Now FIRST let's talk about your Sister.  I'm so VERY sorry that she is STILL doing and saying these TERRIBLE things to you. I was hoping that she would have come to her senses by now and realized how much pain you were suffering from 24/7!!  She has watched you suffering for so long now and it hurts m to think that she is continually saying these cruel and hurtful things to you.  Is there ANY way that you could take her to a Doctor's appointment with you and have the Doctor's explain to her EXACTLY what you are going through?  Do you think that this would help her understand what is really going on with you?  Have you talked to her at all about the way that she is talking to your daughter?  I have one other suggestion also - have you considered taking your daughter with you to the Doctor and have them explain to her about your Chronic Pain? I did this at the VERY beginning with my Daughter so that there would be ABSOLUTELY no misunderstanding about my pain OR my pain medications. It worked out REALLY well and that way she fully understood everything that I was having to go through.  She has been to my Surgeon's, PM Doctor, PCP, Neurologist - and it took care of any upcoming problems that could arise. :)

I'm so VERY sorry about your flare-up's. You definitely need to talk with your PM Doctor's about the medications not working anymore and check and see what might be MORE effective for you since you are no longer getting relief from your current ones.

It's VERY hard, when you are in such debilitating pain like you have been in, to try to get yourself up and about and get things done.  All of us have the VERY same problem that you are having.  Hopefully, you will be able to get your insurance problem taken care of and find a policy for you and your youngest child.  I KNOW how you are feeling - I've BEEN there!! When I went through my divorce - I know EXACTLY what you are having to try to do!!! NO ONE understands it if they haven't been through that which you are describing. It is a feeling of TOTAL helplessness.  It's one of the most frightening feelings I've ever felt.  NO one should have to go through that. Unfortunately, that depression will go right along with that, too.  

Now - for one of the  BEST things in your life - don't forget every day how LUCKY you are to have Michael in your life with you!!!  I'm  so GLAD that you have him with you to love and to protect you. Each day I want you to think of the "special" way that he makes you feel each time he's there with you, as well as the way you feel just "thinking" about him when he's not there.  How he puts that Beautiful Smile on your face each time you see his face or hear his voice and let that HELP you get through some of these rough spots that you are experiencing each day.  I'm not fortunate like you to have a Michael BUT I DO have the most WONDERFUL memories of my Jean and the 16 BEAUTIFUL years that we had together and that NEVER fails to put that smile on my face and that HAPPY feeling in my heart ONLY he could do for me!!  Keep Michael in your heart ALWAYS that way that I do with My Jean!!! I'm sory that he has to experience the pain that you are but in one way, as you said, you BOTH understand each others pain more than anyone else can!!

Also - PLEASE remember that ALL of us are here for you my Dear Friend and ANYTIME you need me know that I'm here for you and I'm just a PM away!! I'll ALWAYS be here anytime you need a Friend.  You are so very special to us all and we ALL Love you and will NEVER let you down!!!

I'm not going anywhere so please don't foreget that!!  You are in my Thoughts and Prayers.  Sending you HUGS and much Love......Mama Sherry