Argument with husband and feeling worthless

Question

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We've gone through good times, bad and worse in regards to finance. We had a lot of difficulties financially so we argued a lot but got through it. He is a public figure and a local celebrity, we don't have financial difficulties anymore and now have 2 children, a 5 yr old and a 7 month old baby. I had worked always to support us, when we had our first son my husband still didn't earn any money so I did all the financial support in the house, then he started earning money and soon he realized he was able to support us without my help. He thought it'd be a good idea that our son had his mother home always, unlike him and I that didn't have a mother to raise us. I loved my job, and told him I wanted to keep working, but he kept trying to get me to quit my job by promising nice intangible things. I kept saying no and so eventually it turned into a 6 month lasting argument that finally ended when I reluctantly quit my job and accepted to be a stay at home mom. I did remind him I hate house chores, I love cooking but washing dishes, sweeping, mopping, house cleaning activities are not my favorite, that's why I worked and shared all the chores with him. (that was also a frequent argument because he almost never did his chores, so the house was always a mess until I had my days off and cleaned the house). To avoid all these discussions we decided to hire someone that would help with the house. And so I was happy, I didn't work, I had plenty of free time, didn't have to clean, all I had to do was cook, do laundry, take my son to school and pick him up, help him with his homework and spend time with him, I was happy to see my son happy that we'd play with his toys and happy that I was there (he is a very sweet boy that loved to kiss and hug me a good 20 times a day). After a couple of months my husband started to be grrdgy, he'd easily lose patience with our son, with me, I noticed he was always grumpy. So I asked him what was wrong and he replied ''Whenever I come home you're always on the couch watching tv, or on your phone, but I never see you doing anything productive.'' ''I thought that if you stopped working and had time for yourself you'd start a project, or start trying to start a business, we won't live off my current career forever, someday people will stop hiring me because not everyone becomes nationwide famous you know, and I doubt I will''.''I never see you doing anything, rosita does all the cleaning so I know you don't do anything''. 
I was hurt by his words, but we discussed it and I told him I didn't want this in the beginning, I told him Id rather get back to work, I reminded him I did have ideas to start a business, ideas I shared with him and all my ideas were ''ridiculous, or not good for a business''. So I stopped trying, Im not an entrepreneur but I could be if I had his support, but he just expects me to do it all by myself. (At this time I was pregnant with our 2nd son, which was a particular difficult pregnancy that had me in ligament pain by the 4th month, constant nausea, sleepiness, and I felt tired all the time). So I decided if he'd be happier by not seeng me do nothing, Id fire rosita and start taking care of the house, perhaps he'd be happier feeling he wasn't just supporting me without me earning it. To my luck, rosita decided to quit a few days later because of personal reasons. (I felt so relieved I didn't have to fire her because I really liked her). 
(I will continue on comments)

specialmom · Answer

Well, what about a compromise?  Why does work for you have to be LONG days with an hour commute or nothing? There are part time careers that are very doable for the family.  OR, if you want a job that is secondary to family but are not trained to do it at this time, get trained.  My dear friend has a master's degree and had a solid, high paying career.  She had her children and left that because it was not conducive to family life.  She has, recently, gone back to school part time to become a paralegal.  She works two days a week now and that's it.  She found a way to have some income coming in and a job while still 'mostly' being at home.  And even though Rosita is there, you can still participate in house things.  Yard things. Taking your kids to things such as Mommy and Me classes.  Once in school, there are a wealth of volunteer opportunities for interested, available moms.  

I understand your husband hurts you and you are trying to figure out what is best for you.  I'd look for a middle ground.  I do believe it is a tremendous amount of pressure on a sole bread winner.  I left my own career and stayed home with the kids.  I tried to be aware of how my husband felt being our provider.  Finding ways to contribute can be important especially as kids get older and it seems this is your husband's expectation.  And things can reveal themselves and opportunities can arise when you put yourself out there.  STarting your own business may be difficult but finding a job to do that fits with your family life is pretty do-able.  good luck

AnnieBrooke · Answer

I'd go to a therapist before any more time goes by.  Ask your doctor for a referral.  Not (just) because you lost your patience with your child, but because of the struggle with your husband.  He is doubtless frightened he won't really "make it big," which gives the reader of your story one ounce of sympathy his direction, but he has no right to lord it over you with money.  (You could get your job back, I assume.)  And you are both hurling accusations at each other about domestic things -- "You don't clean!" "Well, you don't change diapers!" -- as a way to win the power struggle, though you don't have to mop, and he doesn't have to change diapers.    

None of this is good, the dynamics sound bad, you need counseling.  For your kids' sake, you two need to get your act together.  If you begin seeing a counselor, it will change things even if he won't go.

gmft08 · Answer

I complain because it should be him that watches over his children while I take a shower, or while I need to take 5 minutes to calm myself after a 5 yr old throws a fit, or a 7 month old has my back aching after carrying him around all day, yes I do need 5 minute breaks, they feel heavenly. So why doesn't my husband watch them and rosita does? Well because him as a ''public figure'' has gained a lot of ''friends'' that are constantly inviting him to go out. So, here goes my day: I get up at 6:30am feed and change the baby, put him back in his crib hoping he won't cry, so that at 7 I can start getting my 5 yr old ready for school, I make him breakfast and lunch and at 8am drive him to school. Rosita starts her day at 8am and watches the baby while I come back, I get back and start making breakfast for her and myself, by 9:30 Im on full baby watch until 12 noon that rosita finishes cleaning up, I hand her the baby and go to my room, take a shower and get ready to pick up my son from school at 1pm, we get back by 1:30pm and I go to my room to wake up my husband, I cuddle up in bed for about 30 minutes with him to scratch his back because thats how he likes to start his day, and end it as well. So yes I scratch/caress his back 30 minutes when he goes to sleep and another 30 to wake him up... so by 2pm I start cooking lunch, we eat and by 4pm Im on baby watch duty again along with my 5yr old. My husband? Oh at 4pm he is usually taking a shower and getting ready to leave because he probable has to go drinking with his newfound drinking buddies. He usually leaves by 6pm and comes back till the next day at around 4-5am.
So he leaves by 6 and rosita and I stay with the children, rosita leaves at 8pm which is the time I start tucking in my children to sleep, i go to bed at 9pm and end up going to sleep around 11pm. (let not forget the 2 times I still have to get up to feed my baby).
We had an argument 4 days ago, I told him he's not home much anymore, he doesn't play with the children, he doesn't take us out as a family on Sundays or any other day, he hates dealing with the children, you know carrying the carseat, and dealing with a 5 yr old that won't sit down at a restaurant etc. I told him I am stressed because I feel I am doing everything on my own, and things went the same way, he said I shouldn't complain because I live comfortably and don't need anything, Rosita is here to help, so I even get breaks from watching the children and really, If I wasn't here it wouldn't make much of a difference, all I do is cook and do laundry, both things are replaceable. Cooking? He can buy food. Laundry? its just a washing and drying machine rosita can do it. Watching the children? well Rosita can do it too! She already does, so he'd just have to raise her wage a bit more and as easy as that. That what he told me, I feel heartbroken, he even said Im not a good mother because I can't handle it on my own, because many mothers out there have it harder than I do and yet I can't, even with rosita's help. (I also have the stress that it's been months of him complaining that expenses are too high, that I make him spend too much money, that if he was on his own he wouldn't spend as much, and sometimes I wonder if it's true? He only gives me a certain amount per month for groceries and rositas money but that is not nearly the amount he complains to spend per month, so I know he is not giving me the big amounts of money he complains about, but it is on other expenses, like, public services, vehicles and who knows what else, but he says on his own he wouldn't have to pay half as much, so I feel guilty of making him spend so much money on our comfort).
That was 4 days ago and I feel so bad, so unneeded, so worthless, so confused about how I feel, I know Im not angry, I think Im sad, I feel betrayed, I don't know. But something is sure, Ive not been myself this last 4 days, I guess there must be anger as well, because something terrible happened this morning. I got up, fed my baby, made breakfast for my son to get him ready for school, but my 5 yr old wouldn't eat and we were running late, So i told him, please eat quickly, I counted 10 times I told him to drink his milk, and he just wouldn't, he'd just keep talking about a game, and then he started saying his breakfast was poopoo. By the 12th time I had to turn to him I lost it, I took that milk and threw it on him and I yelled at him, asking him if it was poopoo. After a second I realized what I had done and started taking his clothes off to give him a shower. My husband woke up with the crying and when he heard what happened he looked at me and said ''you're sick, you are just like your mother, I don't know who's worse, she or you''.
(When I was a child I lived with my mother only for 7 years and It was hell, she would beat me with a belt buckle at least 3 times a day for silly things like saying I was hungry, or asking if I could go to the bathroom or for not asking if I had permission to go to the bathroom.)
So 4 days ago he said Im replaceable, and now he compares me to the one person I daily work hard not to become. 
Today at some point I thought about just going to a crossing bridge and jumping, or slitting my wrists, but I look at my children and think they do not deserve that. 
Im really really wondering if I should just leave him. I love him, and most of the time we laugh not fight, but lately I just feel bitter at him, he is getting an attitude where money fixes everything and he just won't see it, and I can't even talk to him because I don't have a right to complain, I just get straight thrown in the face how he pays rosita, so it makes my life easier.
If anyone read this long long post, thank you, I just needed to write it down, because I have no one to share it with, I do have friends, but I never talk to them about my marriage issues, he is a public figure and I don't want to be the cause of him getting bad publicity. And today I just feel like like I can't keep it inside anymore.

gmft08 · Answer

So rosita left and I didn't hire anyone else, I started doing all the cleaning, cooking and everything on my own. But being pregnant and going through such a painful pregnancy plus all the house chores, I became unhappy. I longed the days I worked, I regretted the day I quit my job and gave in into my husbands cheap psychological choice: (''decide what makes you happier, your job or your family because if you keep working your gonna lose your family, because of your work we never see you'' I did work from 9am to 6pm and did 1 hour commute, so Id only get 2 hours quality time with my son and husband). So I was unhappy and in pain, and grouchy and started lashing at my husband how I didn't want to live like this and how I missed my job because I certainly didn't get a college degree to end up as a housewife cleaning up after dirty socks. Yes most of my unhappiness came from doing house chores. So he decides to call rosita and ask her if she can come back to work yet, rosita says no so he hires someone else. And things in the house become peaceful again, however I fired this new person and started looking for someone else and luckily rosita came back to work with us. We are happy again? Well our 2nd son is born, and I start growing unhappy because, I am doing everything for my baby. Our baby is 7 months old and my husband hasn't helped me with him at all, if he has changed 5 diapers in these 7 months I doubt it. He's fed a bottle two times in 7 months, and sleep? No I have not slept a single night because he hasn't helped me out a single night. Can I complain about it? No, according to my husband I have nothing to complain about, ''rosita does everything in the house, all you have to do is watch the baby and even rosita does that, you shouldn't complain, yo don't have it half as hard as other women do, yo have a husband that works, gives you money, has you living comfortably and rosita does all the chores for you''. Yes during the day rosita does watch over the children while I cook lunch and dinner, while I take a shower, while I go do grocery shopping, yes its true rosita helps me watch over the children. So why do I complain?