3 Month old Granddaughter isn't mine

[grannypearl252]

My son has been living with his girlfriend for over a year.  They announced to us that she was pregnant in Jan. 2011 and we as a family began to prepare for the birth of our son's first child.  The baby is now 3 months old and we all have fell madly in love with her.  A couple of weeks ago another man claimed he was her father and convinced the mother to have a paternity test done behind my son's back.  As bad luck would have it, he is our granddaughters father.  My son went and had a paternity test done and it is conclusive.....he isn't her father.  We need advise on what we should do next.  My son is torn apart by this and feels he might could have gotten through this if he was the only one who knew the truth.  Now that her biological father knows the truth, although he says he will sign his rights away, we keep wondering when he will resurface.  As a parent I want what is best for my son, and granddaughter.  I have had to back off on seeing the child, which I saw 3 - 4 times a week before.  Scared to loose her, but want to do the right thing.    Help!!

[allmymarbles]

My daughter married a man who had a young son. He first appeared in our lives when he was only four. He is now 16. He is our grandson, genes or no genes. And the genes don't matter all that much anyway, except in terms of physical appearance. This step-grandson of mine is so like my son (his step-uncle), in character and personality, and even talents, that one would swear they were father and son. They are very close and my son has had a great influence on his life.

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree with RockRose.  Families are made of love, not genetic connection.  Anyone who has adopted, had a baby using the services of a sperm donor, or had a baby using a donated egg would readily tell you that they feel entirely like a family.  The only thing that makes a parent wince in that situation is the judgment and conditionality of others, especially their mom, dad or siblings.  If your son says to you that he could accept the situation if he were the only one who knew, look him in the eye and say "Honey, she is my granddaughter and nothing changes that."  It supports him as much as it supports her.

As RR also says, if the sperm donor signs away his rights, he cannot resurface and demand anything later.  The child might be curious to meet him later, but if your son has been a great parent, and you (the rest of the family) have been a great family, she won't let it throw her that there is this sperm donor out there.

I'll tell you a true story.  My son was conceived from my husband's sperm and a donor egg, and I carried the pregnancy and delivered him and we have (obviously) raised him since he was born, and he's now almost 5.  One day when he was about 4 (so after 4 years of him being in the world and us doing everything parents do and going through everything parents go through to raise a child), my sister-in-law said to me, "He's so smart!  Was his mother really smart?"  Do you know how it feels to have someone close to you act like you don't even count?

So, grandma, embrace your grandchild.  Drop the conditionality and the worries.  Celebrate with your son when the other guy signs off his possible parental rights; condole with him only if the other guy does not and they have to do some kind of shared custody thing.  But in any case, if your son says this child is his child, this child is your grandchild.  That is the way it is.  Let that lead all.

[AHP84]

Sorry, I meant to clarify a little better--the bio father will never have any legal rights or claims to her in her lifetime if your son adopts her. But when she's an adult, if he attempts to contact her, that's about the extent of what he can do, is contact her. He will never have any legal rights with her as her father, he will never be recognized legally as her father, if he signs away the rights for your son to adopt her.

[AHP84]

I agree with RockRose. If your son is willing to adopt the baby, then he will legally be her father. The biological father will have no rights or claims to her until she is legally an adult, and the chances of him seeking her are very slim. She may want to find him when she gets older, just to get closure. She may not.
But the thing is that your son has been her father and wants to always be and have it legally binding if he can. He is her father and that's what counts. So keep loving her like your granddaughter--because she is. :-)
There's no way you can lose her if your son adopts her and the bio father signs away his rights.

[RockRose]

I think you need to follow his lead.  If he intends to stay with this woman,  then I think you need to accept the baby as your grandchild.  You would certainly do that if he adopted her,  so it doesn't require blood relations.

It's hard to tell from the timing when all this happened,  but this may be an innocent "prior" relationship for her,  not an incident of cheating.

If he signs his rights away,  he can't resurface.  Interesting he cared enough to demand a paternity test and then decided to sign his rights away.