Aa
Bored in my relationship
I need to know how to get out of this funk I have been in. Things with my fiancé have always been up and down but right now I’m the one who has sort of distanced myself. He’s being wonderful, very sweet, very loving but I’m very very bored. I’m not sure what’s happening here, I love him a ton but he gets into these lazy funks where all he wants to do is hang out at home and watch tv. I’m all for those lazy days but when it’s beautiful out, I hate to stay in. I know I should go out and do my own thing but sometimes I just want to be a family. But I think it’s more than just that, I feel like he’s been so selfish. I know, what man isn’t. But I feel like he’s selfish about everything. Like his needs are always met and everything is always on his terms and if he doesn’t feel like doing something then we don’t. I’m always up for anything because I’m like that, down for whatever, but with him, getting him to do anything is like pulling teeth. I’m always, scratching his back or massaging his back or making him dinner. Then when it’s time for my massage he forgets. I asked him does he ever think about what my needs may be or if perhaps I could use a little bit of pampering. He said he does but then gets too tired. WTF? Well at least he’s honest. But it’s made me more resentful and honestly I’ve been looking at other men lately, wondering if perhaps I will meet someone and they will sweep me off my feet. I know I have to sit and talk with him about how I’m feeling, I just don’t want to have a defensive conversation. He’s been so sweet today but it’s not enough for me. Maybe I’m too demanding, maybe my expectations are too high. I’m not sure, maybe I just got so used to drama in my life, now that it’s calming down, I’m bored. I don’t like the drama, I hated what was happening between us but I just don’t want us to get caught in a rut again. Any advice would be appreciated.
Also, as to the argument of non-selfishness in a relationship, ask yourself the following.
When he does something willing, is he doing it because of his feelings for you, because he thinks it's good, or *because of you*?
The latter is likely to build up and evetually resurface as resentment. The former are inner, selfish reasons. We feel something strongly we perform an action with the outside world. We think things through rationally to our goal and see that performing a certain action is good. Philosophically these are both selfish reasons for performing what may be perceived as a non selfish action.
A healthy relationship isn't one in which people are constantly doing things against their nature and will, feel forced to do it.
It's one in which they *want* to. And ultimately, due to our closed neural circuits, that desire is *always* an inner one- thus ultimately self-centered.
Peel the onion layers and see.
When he does something willing, is he doing it because of his feelings for you, because he thinks it's good, or *because of you*?
The latter is likely to build up and evetually resurface as resentment. The former are inner, selfish reasons. We feel something strongly we perform an action with the outside world. We think things through rationally to our goal and see that performing a certain action is good. Philosophically these are both selfish reasons for performing what may be perceived as a non selfish action.
A healthy relationship isn't one in which people are constantly doing things against their nature and will, feel forced to do it.
It's one in which they *want* to. And ultimately, due to our closed neural circuits, that desire is *always* an inner one- thus ultimately self-centered.
Peel the onion layers and see.
I didn't say a relationship would not involve fulfilling each others needs. But I don't think that is the point of a relationship. People aren't there to serve you, or otherwise.
If your partner loves you and chooses to fulfill one of your needs, remember it's a choice, not a duty. He wasn't born to do those things for you, and neither were you to do them in return.
In the end of the day, it is always one's responsibility to fulfill one's needs... we're each responsible for ourselves. Demanding or expecting that someone else be responsible towards you is bound to create friction and resentment, sooner or later. If you ask something of him and he chooses to do it, because it's in his nature, good for you. Were it not in his nature, you probably would not feel the way you do about him, perhaps, and would have found someone else, eventually.
That's the point. Think of what you want, take responsibility for it, make your choices and live your live. Surround yourself with the people that will help you achieve that vision, who have the qualities you desire. If it's reasonable and realistic, there's no reason why it can't be done.
If your partner loves you and chooses to fulfill one of your needs, remember it's a choice, not a duty. He wasn't born to do those things for you, and neither were you to do them in return.
In the end of the day, it is always one's responsibility to fulfill one's needs... we're each responsible for ourselves. Demanding or expecting that someone else be responsible towards you is bound to create friction and resentment, sooner or later. If you ask something of him and he chooses to do it, because it's in his nature, good for you. Were it not in his nature, you probably would not feel the way you do about him, perhaps, and would have found someone else, eventually.
That's the point. Think of what you want, take responsibility for it, make your choices and live your live. Surround yourself with the people that will help you achieve that vision, who have the qualities you desire. If it's reasonable and realistic, there's no reason why it can't be done.
A re-write would be lovely. I wish I could love him and see him the way I used to. I don't think I will ever. I think there is too much damage here. I will never trust him.
You are so right about that - I have never felt so insecure in my life after he did that to me. I started to accuse him of wanting her more, of wondering in my head weather she was good in bed (urgh I know, but it's hard not to think of all the details), was her body more appealing than mine, and always concluding that she must have been more appealing, better in bed, and had a better body than me, or else why would he have been turned on by her and found he couldn't say no to her (surely the guilt would have put him off, but no it obviously didn't)... I still find it hard to deal with still. I saw them a lot before my eyes everytime we'd make love, and always thought I am not what she was to him, when we're between the sheets. If it's any consolation I can relate to your pain, so you aren't alone. I wish I could re-write the past myself, and clear the betrayal and pain out of it.
Affairs are the worst thing you can do to someone. You make them feel unloved, unworthy, insecure, and so many other emotions that I can't even think of right now. I keep trying and it's just not working. I don't think he's still cheating but the trust has not been rebuilt and honestly, he doesn't work hard enough at trying to rebuild it. Every time I get my hopes up thinking things are going to work out, something happens that takes that feeling away.
Sorry mami, I meant to direct my post to CrazyGastro's line of argument about relationships in general. That there are large elements of relationships that aren't based on selfishness. That's what I meant.
**However**,
I 100% agree in reference to ''affairs'', that those who seek affairs are filled with selfishness and thoughtlessness for the unsuspecting partner. And that sort of selfishness will destroy a relationship and deserves no sympathy.
I think when selfishness takes over a relationship it is doomed to fail.
I hate affairs, they are selfish acts that will only ever destroy people than create anything good.
**However**,
I 100% agree in reference to ''affairs'', that those who seek affairs are filled with selfishness and thoughtlessness for the unsuspecting partner. And that sort of selfishness will destroy a relationship and deserves no sympathy.
I think when selfishness takes over a relationship it is doomed to fail.
I hate affairs, they are selfish acts that will only ever destroy people than create anything good.
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