Boyfriend Doesnt Care About Catching STDS!

[candygram]

Hi ladies I need a few opinions.

My bf&i have been together for a year now. About 6 or 7 months into our relationship we decided to stop using condoms. Both tested&everything was fine. However, before we did all of that we would always have discussions about our sex life&past sex life w others. However, he would always say stuff like he isn't worried about STDs and only ppl who sleep w other dirty ppl get STDs&to me that was alarming that he would think that. Like anyone can get an STD. Me being the paranoid person I am started to look at him differently&more carefully. If he is so laxed about STDs it made me wonder if he ever cheated on me would he be smart enough to use condoms or maybe if he lied about always using condoms in the past.

Well, skip to when we had our first unprotected sex encounter afterwards I got really crazy symptoms I never had in my life!! Low grade fever of like 99.3-99.7, BV, swollen tonsils! Just all this crazy stuff! Everyone says those body temps r in normal range&idont need to worry, but I did panic!! I started thinking since he has this care-free attitude about STDs what if he cheated on me and didn't use protection! I get tested 3x after our encounters&all was good, but I'm still scared. I don't know if I'm overracting, but I can't focus at work or school cus I'm worried so much. I get bad headaches&nasueas. I just keep saying I never had any of these issues until we had unprotected sex. Maybe my mind &stress is causing me all these problems, but I can't get the thought of him being so care-free about thinking he can't get stds&that he could have passed something on to me if he did cheat.

Ladies or gents? Do u think I'm overreacting or what? Something isn't right&its causing me so much anxiety.

[candygram]

I have never had anxiety or felt anyone would cheat on me until being in this relationship. Its so weird...every other relationship I have been happy go lucky&fine.

I don't know what it is w him, but his nonchalant attitude towards things that I consider serious is nerve wrecking to me. Maybe its not an std thing, but I just have anxiety in dealing w HIM!

I'm really trying to fig all this out in therapy.

[specialmom]

What I'm trying to figure out is why you're so upset.  Is it because he said that he hasn't worried about STD's in the past?  Why does that make you think he might cheat?  It is kind of a big leap in my opinion.  Is there a chance that he felt like he was in monogomous relationships and that his partners were as safe as he was (which is a leap of faith)?  That is not saying that he went out and slept with anyone at the bar that looked like they showered recently and felt they'd probably be safe.  

The reason why I speak of anxiety is because it is on the level of slightly irrational.  And I say that because he's given you nothing else to think he might cheat than the comment that in the past he didn't worry he would get an STD.  You could easily solve the issue of your own safety by demanding that you use protection.  But you still have obsessive thoughts that he is cheating/has cheated.  See what I mean at all?  

I think you can tell  him that you are just anxious and want to know where he stands on issues like infidelity.  You can tell him you have great fear of being given an STD.  

Has insecurity or anxiety entered into past relationships?

[candygram]

Hmmm, this whole situation has me so f*cked up in the head like seriously. Relationships r suppose to be about trust&im trying my hardest to trust him cus he hasn't given me otherwise not to. If I can't trust him enough not to cheat then what is our relationship built on? I want to talk this over w him...do you have any suggestions? Like what should I say to him?

[teko]

Yes, if he seriously thinks you have to sleep with someone dirty to get them, he is sadly undereducated. And no man likes to wear a condom, but most do out of personal safety for themselves and their mates. It is the safe and respectful and caring thing to do.  Throwing caution to the wind because you THINK someone would never cheat on you is very risky at best. Some men just dont like condoms and put their self gratification first. There used to be an old saying, "When you make love with someone, you make love to everyone they ever slept with." Never ever take un necessary chances.

[candygram]

Here everything you all are saying and its great advice. Do you all think I have been foolish in this situation? I thought I was doing everything right as far as my sexual health...made sure we were both tested before enganging in any sort of unprotected sexual acts. So, therefore we knew both of us were fine, but yet I'm still suffering. Maybe I feel guilty for even doing it in the first place...and teko r u suggesting he wouldn't use protection if he cheated bc of his care-free attitude towards STDs?

[teko]

I can only say to you that it is your responsibility to protect you. Be it from STDs or pregnancy or the like. You NEVER leave your personal safety to someone else. Your bf needs educated and you need to understand the anxiety you have been feeling is a direct result of your putting your safety in the hands of someone else. Your bf is putting his wants and needs above yours and this is a very selfish deed. It is also careless of you to go along with it. And no, I think if he cheats he will not use a condom, even tho he would tell you he did.

[specialmom]

BTW, another thought I have is this---------- truthfully, I've never much worried about getting an STD either.  But, I've always been in monogomous relationships with good guys that I didn't worry cheated on me.  Maybe that is what he is talking about.  I'm sure he realizes that you can't tell from looking at someone if they have an STD or not but is saying he's been careful to pick partners that are as careful as he is and faithful (like YOU!).  

[specialmom]

To me it sounds like you have untreated anxiety.  I think your spinning thoughts are a symptom of that and the nausea and other physical symptoms are a result as well.  

If you have been tested 3 times for STD's and you do not have any, then you do not have any.  If he has been tested and was negative, then he does not have any.  To torture him (and yourself) about a careless comment seems to fall in the category of over reacting.

Go back to using protection with him.  And I also think it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about your anxiety.  I think it will spill over to other things in your life and as you see, it is uncomfortable to live that way.

goodluck

[candygram]

That's what everyone keeps saying it sounds like I don't trust him. I never had a reason not to trust him until I started thinking about all this stuff. He tells me all the time he trust me a lot...I just can't get over his care-free attitude though about the whole STD thing it scares me!

[el_em_en_oh]

Sounds to me like you don't fully trust him... period.

Your mistrust has been raised to the surface by the STD issue, but deep down, do you truly trust him in all aspects of your life together?