Aa
Cheated and now what
I know a lot of you are going to throw everything in the world at me and tell me what a skum bag I am but I need some opinions please
I have been married for 16 years and about 7 years ago my wife changed, she became more of a Biotch and only thinks about herself. We have children in a blended family,none together and they are all out of the house. I have discussed with her numerous times about issues that bothered me that she was doing ie nagging, yelling, not wanting sex and foreplay much, she was jealous on my daughter and I to the point I could not do anything with my kids, all my time had to focus around my wife and most of all she ran all of my 4 kids out of the home at age 17 due to her being such a pain. Every time I tried to speak with her about how she was acting she would blow up at me and say it is not so.
Well I have been testing and speaking to this other woman for 7 years not hing really besides hey how are you, how is school going and work, all small talk. She has asked me out for drinks a few times and I never went. About two months ago I realized that my wife was not going to change and I put up a big wall. One week later this woman text me and ask me to meet her for dinner and drinks and I went. The evening went very well and she and I went for a walk in a park that was closed down. One thing led to another and we wound up having sex. Three months later we have managed to meet one another in a motel every two weeks. She lives about 90 miles from here. I did not expect it but we both fell in love.
My wife asked me the other day what was wrong with me and why won't I have sex with her. I told her the reasons why and also said I was going to leave her. I plan to leave her for this other woman. My wife started to cry and begged me not to leave, we talked for hours and she finally realized that I was right about everything and she was truly sorry, I mean EVERYTHING including running my children away, she said I was extremely jealous and I just grew up right this minute, she said I do not want you to leave me. These past few days my wife has been the perfect woman, I mean PERFECT , its like she REALLY wants to try and make it right. She has done this before but always fell off the ban wagon and back to herself after a few months but this time she seems to mean it
I can not stop thinking about this other woman 24/7 and when my wife and I have sex I can't get it up because I feel so guilty.
This is where it gets even worse for me, when I talk to the other woman she says lets wait a few months and then you can move in with me. I asked her why wait and she said well maybe you and your wife will plan to stay together. I told her I did not want to and I wanted to be with her. She is set on waiting a few months and I do not understand why unless she fears of getting hurt. She tells me loves me and misses me and wants to be with me all the time so I don't know whats up with that.
I hope you all can follow me. If you were in my situation how would yo handle the it. I really like this other woman and can't figure why she wants to wait 3 or 4 months before we move in...
I am not sure if this matters but I am 58 and she is 30. Both my wife and friend are knock down gorgeous model material. Any inputs will be appreciated and ladies telling me I am a dog is not answering my questions and until you are in my shoes with my situation you don;t know what you would do
I have been married for 16 years and about 7 years ago my wife changed, she became more of a Biotch and only thinks about herself. We have children in a blended family,none together and they are all out of the house. I have discussed with her numerous times about issues that bothered me that she was doing ie nagging, yelling, not wanting sex and foreplay much, she was jealous on my daughter and I to the point I could not do anything with my kids, all my time had to focus around my wife and most of all she ran all of my 4 kids out of the home at age 17 due to her being such a pain. Every time I tried to speak with her about how she was acting she would blow up at me and say it is not so.
Well I have been testing and speaking to this other woman for 7 years not hing really besides hey how are you, how is school going and work, all small talk. She has asked me out for drinks a few times and I never went. About two months ago I realized that my wife was not going to change and I put up a big wall. One week later this woman text me and ask me to meet her for dinner and drinks and I went. The evening went very well and she and I went for a walk in a park that was closed down. One thing led to another and we wound up having sex. Three months later we have managed to meet one another in a motel every two weeks. She lives about 90 miles from here. I did not expect it but we both fell in love.
My wife asked me the other day what was wrong with me and why won't I have sex with her. I told her the reasons why and also said I was going to leave her. I plan to leave her for this other woman. My wife started to cry and begged me not to leave, we talked for hours and she finally realized that I was right about everything and she was truly sorry, I mean EVERYTHING including running my children away, she said I was extremely jealous and I just grew up right this minute, she said I do not want you to leave me. These past few days my wife has been the perfect woman, I mean PERFECT , its like she REALLY wants to try and make it right. She has done this before but always fell off the ban wagon and back to herself after a few months but this time she seems to mean it
I can not stop thinking about this other woman 24/7 and when my wife and I have sex I can't get it up because I feel so guilty.
This is where it gets even worse for me, when I talk to the other woman she says lets wait a few months and then you can move in with me. I asked her why wait and she said well maybe you and your wife will plan to stay together. I told her I did not want to and I wanted to be with her. She is set on waiting a few months and I do not understand why unless she fears of getting hurt. She tells me loves me and misses me and wants to be with me all the time so I don't know whats up with that.
I hope you all can follow me. If you were in my situation how would yo handle the it. I really like this other woman and can't figure why she wants to wait 3 or 4 months before we move in...
I am not sure if this matters but I am 58 and she is 30. Both my wife and friend are knock down gorgeous model material. Any inputs will be appreciated and ladies telling me I am a dog is not answering my questions and until you are in my shoes with my situation you don;t know what you would do
Ok, well I know myself pretty dang well to know I would NEVER be in you're situation. If someone TRIED to run my children out of my house because they were jealous, I would be done. I don't know why you didn't divorce this woman 7 years ago. But what is done is done.
Anyways, it seems like you already have your mind made up, so what's the problem? I would, (if I were you, hypethetically speaking) try being on my own for awhile. This lady you're seeing wants to wait a few months before moving in, huh? Are you sure she is not married or is in a relationship? Sounds like she has got some skeletons in her closet.
Are you really here for advice or validation? (Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude or judgemental) like I said, it sounds like you already had your mind made up....
DM
Anyways, it seems like you already have your mind made up, so what's the problem? I would, (if I were you, hypethetically speaking) try being on my own for awhile. This lady you're seeing wants to wait a few months before moving in, huh? Are you sure she is not married or is in a relationship? Sounds like she has got some skeletons in her closet.
Are you really here for advice or validation? (Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude or judgemental) like I said, it sounds like you already had your mind made up....
DM
Wow.... Okay, I'm going to chime in. It seems every time I do it causes ripples on the home front, but I feel compelled to speak up here.
First off, I am a man so you will get that perspective as well as the many females perspectives/opinions. I too am a cheater, or have cheated. My marriage was not loveless. In fact, had I addressed an ongoing personal issue when diagnosed with it years prior, I am sure the affair would never have happened.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater".... I don't buy into that. I think people can change and people do change all of the time. With that said though, when you take a look at the character of the individual who has cheated, I think his/her honor and integrity will be thoroughly damaged. I think cheating leaves one as somewhat unmarketable. At that time, the cheater has to change his/her ways, earn back his/her honor and integrity from his peers and that takes a long time for a lot of people to do... allowing a person to earn his integrity and honor back, that is.
When you look at the dynamics of infidelity, so many of the stories are the same. Cheating is underhanded, mean, hurtful, deceitful and numerous other things that we unfortunately judge people on, on a regular basis. Cheating changes people. Both the cheater and the affected person become different people. Bonds and ties were broken and severed. The other woman witnessed and even contributed to breaking and severing these ties and bonds. Do you not see her in a different light? (I bet she does you. If not now, she will in the future, but that matters not at the moment.)
I understand that some relationships bread through infidelity do stand the test of time, but the odds are way against you. This other woman "giving you space" speaks volumes to me. While she may have said that she wants to do this to "give you time to see if you can rekindle the spark with your wife", I'd say it is at least as likely that she sees the relationship for what it is. I'd guess that there is at least a 50/50 chance that she has all kinds of regrets and is questioning herself and what happened. I'd also guess that she is trying to predict what will happen, but seeing it in a lesser light than you.
Today, my wife and I struggle to keep our marriage alive. We are doing it for the right reasons, because of love and still being in love after all of these years.(I will not advocate you trying this because you've said the marriage is loveless.)
Almost all of the above posters have been a wonderful influence on my wife and myself. The people I am talking about have been instrumental in getting my marriage on the right track.... with that said, I will say this. About taking time for yourself, to live by yourself... maybe your marriage is over, and just maybe this new relationship is not for you. If it is, what is a few months? I think taking some time and stepping back may shine a new light on a lot of things for you. New ideas, new feelings, new perspectives on life in general may come about if you had some time to yourself.
I know that I negatively impacted numerous people with my foolishness and selfishness. I never want to be as unprepared in life as I was at that time. I have a new meaning in my life. I am more thoughtful with everything I do now. (Maybe that is the positive that came from this.)
I'll still suggest and or advocate that you need to have some time to yourself and let the dust settle.
First off, I am a man so you will get that perspective as well as the many females perspectives/opinions. I too am a cheater, or have cheated. My marriage was not loveless. In fact, had I addressed an ongoing personal issue when diagnosed with it years prior, I am sure the affair would never have happened.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater".... I don't buy into that. I think people can change and people do change all of the time. With that said though, when you take a look at the character of the individual who has cheated, I think his/her honor and integrity will be thoroughly damaged. I think cheating leaves one as somewhat unmarketable. At that time, the cheater has to change his/her ways, earn back his/her honor and integrity from his peers and that takes a long time for a lot of people to do... allowing a person to earn his integrity and honor back, that is.
When you look at the dynamics of infidelity, so many of the stories are the same. Cheating is underhanded, mean, hurtful, deceitful and numerous other things that we unfortunately judge people on, on a regular basis. Cheating changes people. Both the cheater and the affected person become different people. Bonds and ties were broken and severed. The other woman witnessed and even contributed to breaking and severing these ties and bonds. Do you not see her in a different light? (I bet she does you. If not now, she will in the future, but that matters not at the moment.)
I understand that some relationships bread through infidelity do stand the test of time, but the odds are way against you. This other woman "giving you space" speaks volumes to me. While she may have said that she wants to do this to "give you time to see if you can rekindle the spark with your wife", I'd say it is at least as likely that she sees the relationship for what it is. I'd guess that there is at least a 50/50 chance that she has all kinds of regrets and is questioning herself and what happened. I'd also guess that she is trying to predict what will happen, but seeing it in a lesser light than you.
Today, my wife and I struggle to keep our marriage alive. We are doing it for the right reasons, because of love and still being in love after all of these years.(I will not advocate you trying this because you've said the marriage is loveless.)
Almost all of the above posters have been a wonderful influence on my wife and myself. The people I am talking about have been instrumental in getting my marriage on the right track.... with that said, I will say this. About taking time for yourself, to live by yourself... maybe your marriage is over, and just maybe this new relationship is not for you. If it is, what is a few months? I think taking some time and stepping back may shine a new light on a lot of things for you. New ideas, new feelings, new perspectives on life in general may come about if you had some time to yourself.
I know that I negatively impacted numerous people with my foolishness and selfishness. I never want to be as unprepared in life as I was at that time. I have a new meaning in my life. I am more thoughtful with everything I do now. (Maybe that is the positive that came from this.)
I'll still suggest and or advocate that you need to have some time to yourself and let the dust settle.
COMMUNITY LEADER
The most documented statistic is actually 25%---- 3 out of 4 couples end if started as adulterous. Ugh. Not good odds at all.
And I agree with Londres that being super friendly and emotionally involved and then later sexual relations happen is VERY different than a real relationship.
Why can't you live alone and actually just DATE? Red flag that you can't.
Oh, and to clarify. I don't believe that it is an absolute, once a cheater always a cheater. BUT, when a relationship starts out that way---- the two people that once cheated to be together have knowledge deep down that the other can cheat or might do so if they don't get along. This hanging over a relationship can kill it. Major trust issues come about. So, that they started off by cheating creats issues in itself whether you cheat again or not.
good luck
And I agree with Londres that being super friendly and emotionally involved and then later sexual relations happen is VERY different than a real relationship.
Why can't you live alone and actually just DATE? Red flag that you can't.
Oh, and to clarify. I don't believe that it is an absolute, once a cheater always a cheater. BUT, when a relationship starts out that way---- the two people that once cheated to be together have knowledge deep down that the other can cheat or might do so if they don't get along. This hanging over a relationship can kill it. Major trust issues come about. So, that they started off by cheating creats issues in itself whether you cheat again or not.
good luck
I was the one who posted the 2% success statistic of relationships begun in infidelity. Dr Phil is one person who researched that and he writes about it but I have read it elsewhere as well. I say this other woman will not be able to respect you in the long run because you did a dis-respectful thing. Deep down inside she knows it was wrong what she did and what YOU did as well! She probably feels a lot of shame for the two of you. And I think it's beyond awful you had sex for the first time in a closed down park - for heaven's sake you are what 50 year old? Couldn't you have gone to a hotel? ugh.
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