Cheated and now what

[whatdoidonow695]

I know a lot of you are going to throw everything in the world at me and tell me what a skum bag I am but I need some opinions please

I have been married for 16 years and about 7 years ago my wife changed, she became more of a Biotch and only thinks about herself.  We have children in a blended family,none together and they are all out of the house.  I have discussed with her numerous times about issues that bothered me that she was doing  ie nagging, yelling, not wanting sex and foreplay much, she was jealous on my daughter and I to the point I could not do anything with my kids, all my time had to focus around my wife and most of all she ran all of my 4 kids out of the home at age 17 due to her being such a pain.  Every time I tried to speak with her about how she was acting she would blow up at me and say it is not so.

Well I have been testing and speaking to this other woman for 7 years not hing really besides hey how are you, how is school going and work, all small talk.  She has asked me out for drinks a few times and I never went.  About two months ago I realized that my wife was not going to change and I put up a big wall.  One week later this woman text me and ask me to meet her for dinner and drinks and I went.  The evening went very well and she and I went for a walk in a park that was closed down.  One thing led to another and we wound up having sex.  Three months later we have managed to meet one another in a motel every two weeks.  She lives about 90 miles from here.  I did not expect it but we both fell in love.  

My wife asked me the other day what was wrong with me and why won't I have sex with her.  I told her the reasons why and also said I was going to leave her.  I plan to leave her for this other woman.  My wife started to cry and begged me not to leave, we talked for hours and she finally realized that I was right about everything and she was truly sorry, I mean EVERYTHING including running my children away, she said I was extremely jealous and I just grew up right this minute, she said I do not want you to leave me.  These past few days my wife has been the perfect woman, I mean PERFECT , its like she REALLY wants to try and make it right.  She has done this before but always fell off the ban wagon and back to herself after a few months but this time she seems to mean it

I can not stop thinking about this other woman 24/7 and when my wife and I have sex I can't get it up because I feel so guilty.

This is where it gets even worse for me, when I talk to the other woman she says lets wait a few months and then you can move in with me.  I asked her why wait and she said well maybe you and your wife will plan to stay together.  I told her I did not want to and I wanted to be with her.  She is set on waiting a few months and I do not understand why unless she fears of getting hurt.  She tells me loves me and misses me and wants to be with me all the time so I don't know whats up with that.

I hope you all can follow me.  If you were in my situation how would yo handle the it.  I really like this other woman and can't figure why she wants to wait 3 or 4 months before we move in...

I am not sure if this matters but I am 58 and she is 30.  Both my wife and friend are knock down gorgeous model material.  Any inputs will be appreciated and ladies telling me I am a dog is not answering my questions and until you are in my shoes with my situation you don;t know what you would do

[TTinKKerBBell]

Are we overlooking that the other woman cheated too??  When a woman has sex with a married man, well,  that makes her an infidel as well!!
I'd personally not trust either one of you not to cheat on a marriage.  Which is probably partly why these marriages have a huge failure rate.  SpecialMom is right - She didn't make these statistics - She's citing them.

[Londres70]

I can understand things do happen, however, wrong is wrong.  You know you are still married and this other woman knows you are still  married, but still you all continued on.  This says alot about a person's character in my opinion.  Personally, I wouldn't be sharing any man with his wife;  absolutely beneath me.  Perhaps your wife did change for the worst and the situation between her and your kids wasn't great, but I think you should have turned to a PROFESSIONAL therapist vs. another woman to help you sort this out.  This is STILL an option.  I would RECOMMEND this; THERAPY.  

Ok, you have known the woman for 7 years, but living together and seeing someone are TWO different situations and are NOT the same.  

Your statement..."This other woman who I know well, I mean come on 7 years she has told me about her life is a lot longer than most people know each other before they move in together and some get married within a year.  Some marriages last and some do not."  This doesn't mean your relationship with this woman will last just because you have known her for 7 years.  You all haven't lived together yet.  I have known several couples who have dated for a long period of time.  Then, they move in together or get married and pffff........their relationships fall apart.  

If you choose this other woman, who by the way has NO kids and has NEVER been married, how will things be between you and the kids?  She sounds close in age to your kids and if she is that might be an issue.  Your kids don't know about this woman yet.  Yeah, she knows you, however, she doesn't know your kids.  

Obviously, this other woman is feeling a little unsure about pursuing this to the next level with you by her saying you shouldn't move in for a bit until you are sure you don't want to work things out with your wife.  She is not looking at the situation like you are.  She is not saying "Oh, I have known you for 7 years, come on and move in already."  If she was....obviously you would be moved in.  Some women like the idea or being "the other woman" and don't want anything more than that.  They let the wife or gf deal with the daily mundane stuff of taking care of the man and all they want is....well......the stuff that isn't mundane and not dealing with the man 24/7.

Can't say this will totally "crash and burn" with this other woman, but there is a high possibility it will.  

Once again.....would recommend talking to a PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST before making any more moves or decisions.  

[whatdoidonow695]

I undersatnd what you are saying, I am sorry I did not mean to flame you or anyone, of course it is very confusing at times and to be honest I do not know why I stayed in the marriage.  Recently, my son who is out of the home had some issues and my wife told me to ask him to come back home.  Although all of the kids were so to speak run out of our home, she is trying to have a relationship with them and two out of 4 call her often,  This only has taken place since I told her how I felt and that I was planning to leave.  My wife has taken a 360 degree turn.

On the other, girl friend, she told me last night the reason she wants to take a few months before we "move in" together is to see if I can rekindle my relationship with my wife.  Today, I love my wife but I am not "in love" with her, I am "in love" with this other woman,

I can see what you mean as far as per se once a cheater always a cheater.  I do not know about that because I did not go out looking for an affair and know if I or anyone is happy at home they will not go out looking for romance.

Thanks for your replies, sure I would love for it to work out, This other woman who I know well, I mean come on 7 years she has told me about her life is a lot longer than most people know each other before they move in together and some get married within a year.  Some marriages last and some do not

[specialmom]

Sorry, just knowing someone for seven years does not mean you should immediately move out of the home you share with your wife and into hers.  

I can't help you if you can't see that.  

You yourself said that it wasn't suppose to happen but just happened.  Well, that is hardly the basis of a relationship.

You can check out any psychological journal you want or just google failure of relationships that start through infidelity.  The odds are against you.  

It's no skin off my back if you go from woman to woman-----  but you made poor choices for the past several years by staying in this marriage (YOU TOLD US THIS . . . no matter the details that made you stay. . . YOU MADE IT CLEAR that the marriage was loveless and your wife was a nasty name)----------  you are welcome to continue along a path of bad choices.  Your life.  Do as you wish.

By the way, one of the reasons relationships that start as this 'on the side' one you've got going fails is that in the long run, neither can fully trust the other person.  You've show her that you WILL cheat, (even if it just happens and it shouldn't of) and she's shown you the same.  You know what each other is capable of up front and it's called cheating.  
good luck

[whatdoidonow695]

I appreciate all the comments.  First and foremost I did not leave my present wife due to other personal reasons that I will not discuss,  Sometimes timing is everything.  Today I have a realtionship with my kids and they come to visit often.  I told my wife how I felt about twhat she has done to them and she admits it and apologized to them

Why would this new woman not repect me?  We have know each other for years and although she has invited me out to dinner and drinks it was always as a gesture of friendship.  I have helpoed her with her relationships over the years as well as she has tried to help me stay in my marriage.

What happened between her and I was not meant to happen, it just happened.  We did not plan on sleepiong with wach other....it just happned.  I had already spoken to wife and told her I was leaving her.  My wife and I have several business' together that need to be taken care of and like I said there is a lot of other infomarion that I feel is not important to the situation.  You can say I am a dog for cheating and also say she is a bad person for how she was and what she did but that is in the past and I am trying to move on

I am concerned why she wants to wait to move in and no I AM NOT AFRAID TO LIVE ALONE, give me a break,  I have known her for SEVEN years its not like i met her over a weekend and want to move in.  We know each other pretty well and neither one of us have ever heald any secrets from each other

special mom, where do you get your statistics, I would like to see evidence that supports what you say about 2% and how it won;t make it a year.

[specialmom]

Oh yes I read that.  Absolutely that dooms the relationship because statistically any relationship that starts through infidelity has very little chance of making it.  AND, this woman is now backing away from him a bit.  Perhaps because of his over neediness.  Moving straight out from woman into cohabitation with another is a sure path to another break up.  

So, "m just saying . . . he has little chance of making it with the woman he's had an affair with (but-----------  they were just friends most of that time with only recently turning it into more.  maybe she like it the way it was.)

I would have been gone the first time she put a wedge of any sort between myself and my kids.  Dealbreaker for me!!  And I think he needs a long period of time on his own to think about what he really wants in life.  As I said in my post, I feel he should have left years ago but there is something odd in the fact that he did not and now thinks he might but only to go to another woman.  Kind of sad.