is it even worth it?????

[unknown_jones]

I've been with my husband for 4yrs and married for almost 1. I feel like a failure wanting to throw in the towel this early, but I don't know what else to do. I have a son from a previous relationship and two in this one. He has an adult son and a 13y/o daughter from previous relationships. The guy I met and fell in love with is nothing like the guy I'm with today. I feel like I was tricked and now at a lost for what next. In the beginning he was all about me n my son n his kids. He was considerate of me at all times and wanted to spend every possible moment with me, I loved that, I like attention. We spent time as a family and my opinion counted for something. Lately I feel like we have the same arguments that never get resolved, he doesn't consider my feelings and appears to not care. In fact I'm convinced he doesn't care. Anytime I try to talk to him about anything he doesn't appear to be listening at all, which is reason why issues can't be resolved. He sees me as a nag, but doesn't work to fix any issue I bring up. Recently my oldest has been diagnosed with mild Asperger's. I can't even talk to him about it because he just appears to be not listening. He doesn't really treat my son the way I assume he'd treat his birth children. Our son together goes almost everywhere with him, he's 2y, he never asks my oldest if he wants to go or talk to him about anything. Its like my oldest still doesn't have a father, I feel like I messed up and he's getting the stinky end of the stick. My husband is such a mama's boy, I never saw this before. Anything his mama or blood family says goes, frick what I feel or think, I'm always overruled but I'm wife. There's so much I'm sure I'm leaving a lot out. Basically I'm unhappy, my husband is inattentive and inconsiderate of me and my feelings. I feel like I dug a deeper hole by having 2 more kids. I don't want them to be the reason I stay. I really want to work it out but how can I with a person that doesn't communicate effectively, he acts like most problems don't even exist.

[RockRose]

Hmm.  Parents are often closer to some of their kids - the ones who are easiest to be around.  I agree it's really stinky for your son,  but if he's a challenge to be around,  it's less likely that your husband will gravitate toward him for company.  Additionally,  sadly,  it's a very very rare stepparent who treats step children with the same love they treat their own biological kids.  That's just life in a blended family,  and kids get the bad end of that stick although they didn't create it.

You aren't specific about what exactly you'd like to change in the issues you are bringing up,  except to say you bring up things you want changed and he turns a deaf ear.  And that you want different things than his family is asking for,  and he chooses to follow his blood family rather than the things you are wanting.

Can you be more specific?  That might be helpful.  If you can say specifically what you are asking for him to change,  and specifically what his family wants that you are at odds with,  it might be easier to see the pattern.

Best wishes.

[Londres70]

Sounds like you have nothing to lose, so I would suggest you show him what you have written here and see how he responds.

Could be the way you are trying to talk to him about the problems.  

Thirdly, dealing with someone with Asperger's isn't simple; in fact it is very challenging.  Interacting with your son could be too tall of an order for your husband.  In other words, loads of people have NOT a clue on how to deal with people diagnosed with Asperger's.  

It would be great if professional help was sought and a therapist could work with you and your husband giving you both the tools to work through this as you have several issues going on here.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  I'm so very sorry it is so hard and you are feeling this way about your relationship with your husband and life.  That's so hard.  I can hear the frustration in the way you write.  

I'm the mom of a child with a neurological developmental delay called sensory integration disorder  Lots of autistic kids/people have overlapping sensory symptoms.  There are similarities  I know it is hard and especially for a mom trying to pick and choose the right paths for our child that faces some challenges in life.  And yes, it would crush me to see my child left out from that closeness the other kids are getting as I'm sure one of the reasons you married was to help create a family unit for ALL of your children.  That hurts.

I just wish there was a way you could talk to your partner about how you are feeling with out making him defensive.  Is there any way you can think you can word things or tone you can take that would help?  I had to approach my husband about something in his parenting style that I felt was causing an issue a while ago.  He and my sensory kid have some similarities that can cause them to butt heads.  I feared that he was too  hard on my son at times.  But it was difficult to approach because my husband already feels like I dominate parenting.  I don't WANT him to feel that way.  I try to allow him to be the equal parent but just am more involved due to logistics of his travel for work and the fact that I'm a stay at home mom that is present at all times.  I have to back off a bit to make sure my husband feels he is an equal parent if that makes sense.  Anyway, it was a bit hard to approach helping him be a better parent to my child.  (see, I guess I DO dominate) but I'm very aware of my sons' feelings and my husband is less in tune.  I just wanted to help.  So, I approached it from the standpoint of just that.  I just want to help.  I want a peaceful happy home for all involved.  I want my son to feel good and be close to his dad.  I want my husband to feel good and be close to my son.  So, I tread lightly and talked to him about it.  Little defensive at first?  maybe.  But he softened because I wasn't coming from a place of telling him he was doing wrong or being a bad father----  but that I wanted to improve the relationship

Can you think of any common ground your son and your husband may have?  What about working on an outing of something they'd both enjoy, the two of them.  Or a project they can do together.  These types of things build bonds.  

Anyway, does your husband see any issues?  I'd ask him that question in an open ended way.  Then listen carefully to what he says.  It will help in terms of your understanding where he is coming from and being able to then share how you feel.  Would he consider a marriage therapist?  

[Nighthawk61]

not taken a direct interest in becoming closer to him and try to help him with him (not you) with his condition.

that was rather muddled. What i meant was , a good man would want to be close to the child because the child obviously needs him, and not just because it would make you happy.

You definitely need to get him and you to a marriage counselor, pronto.
Good luck. and please let us know how it goes.  

[Nighthawk61]

I think the most concerning thing about your post is the fact that your son has been diagnosed with mild Aspergers and this man has not taken a direct interest in becoming closer to him and try to help him with him (not you) with his condition.

You've said that in the beginning he acted like a family man to you and your son and his (previous marriage) kids. And that changed when you moved in together and married. So yes, it does sounds like he put on a show for you, and he really is an insensitive selfish person.

I feel so bad for you, and your son. I read a little on Aspergers Syndrome and your son really needs a strong father figure in his life in order for him to do the best that he can. You've not said if your eldest son has a biological father in the picture, so i'm assuming that he may not. And if your husband was aware of that, then he should have understood that his place and your expectation of him was to co parent your eldest with you.

And now i take it you're also pregnant, and have the 2 year old in the picture. I can feel your pain. What to do? if it were me, and my husband would not consider marriage counseling , and quickly, i would consider moving on. The point is that if this man does continue to treat the children in the house so differently, then your son is going to feel so bad, all of the time, and as a mother, i wouldn't accept that for one moment longer than I had to. At least if you got out , you could meet a man that would or could become a father figure to your first born son. (i've only got one son, and i know how much that boy means to you, i can hear it in your words). The younger kids could visit this cad, and at least your boy wouldn't have to sit there and watch and see that he was not considered as important as the other kids.

My heart breaks for you, it truly does. If you ever need to talk , please feel free to message me,. Please keep this thread going, and talk about how you feel,  Do you have friends and family that you're close to .? Does your eldest have your family that he's close to ? like your brothers or sisters?