Aa
Fiance doesn't really want to get married?
Okay. I usually just use this site for looking up information but I’m in a situation and I would like some opinions from people who don’t know me so they will be unbiased. My family and friends have offered up plenty on the situation but for some reason I think those not in my circle might have something useful to say. I have seen how catty some of these can get so please remember that this is my first time so although I want honesty, please try to be kind :)
I had been with my boyfriend for a little over a year when whoops, I became pregnant. Yes, I was using birth control so please don’t think we weren’t trying to be careful. I’m right at 15 weeks now. We had talked of marriage prior to the pregnancy so I was pretty sure we were heading in that direction anyway. I do love him dearly and can’t imagine my life without him. After he found out I was pregnant, he asked me to marry him. YEAH! I didn’t get a ring which I was disappointed about but I guess I assumed it was forthcoming. (He knows that I don’t want to have a child out of wedlock.) We moved in together. Things have been going great. I keep asking when we are going to be married (we’re just going to the courthouse). I just want to have a legitimate child. I just need the papers, not an elaborate ceremony. I keep asking him when we are going and he keeps saying soon but I’m starting to show and would rather have the few pictures that we take not look like I’m pregnant. I know that may seem silly to some but it’s just how I feel. He has been previously married and has a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl from a previous marriage. Generally he gets along with the ex pretty well and I didn’t think that she had any issues with me. So there’s the nuts and bolts of it all. Now comes the issue.
His ex apparently told him that she doesn’t like me living with him. She doesn’t like her kids seeing us sleep in the same bed together. I can appreciate and respect this. So when his kids are over I sleep in another room of the house. I thought the problem was solved but she kept making comments about how she “didn’t want me to have anything to do with raising her kids since she didn’t know how long I would be in the picture.” I was really hurt by her saying this so I thought I’d have a heart to heart with her since we are going to get married and I intend on being here for the long haul. She basically told me that she didn’t take me seriously as a mother and doesn’t want her kids to get attached to me since she doesn’t know how long I’ll be around. After speaking with her for a while she finally told me that my fiancé told her that he “wasn’t sure” if we were actually going to get married. I was shocked. If he actually said that no wonder she doesn’t want me around her kids. I don’t blame her if this is really the case. So after I spoke to her I asked him if he ever implied to her that we weren’t going to get married. We have always communicated well so I was expecting him to deny it but he didn’t. He told me that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me since he knew I didn’t want to have a “bastard” as a child and how he knew it was important to me for the child to be legitimate. I am absolutely crushed. So apparently him asking me to marry him was just to make me feel better about having our child and he really has no intentions of marrying me. I guess that explains why I never got a ring. I guess that explains why the wedding keeps getting postponed. Of course he now realizes that what he did only made matters worse and he is very apologetic but it’s too late for an apology. He should have never asked me to marry him if he didn’t mean it. I am now thinking of moving out and giving the child up for adoption as I do not believe that a child should be brought up in an unstable home without two married parents. I am so lost right now and this stress is not good for my pregnancy. Any thoughts?
I had been with my boyfriend for a little over a year when whoops, I became pregnant. Yes, I was using birth control so please don’t think we weren’t trying to be careful. I’m right at 15 weeks now. We had talked of marriage prior to the pregnancy so I was pretty sure we were heading in that direction anyway. I do love him dearly and can’t imagine my life without him. After he found out I was pregnant, he asked me to marry him. YEAH! I didn’t get a ring which I was disappointed about but I guess I assumed it was forthcoming. (He knows that I don’t want to have a child out of wedlock.) We moved in together. Things have been going great. I keep asking when we are going to be married (we’re just going to the courthouse). I just want to have a legitimate child. I just need the papers, not an elaborate ceremony. I keep asking him when we are going and he keeps saying soon but I’m starting to show and would rather have the few pictures that we take not look like I’m pregnant. I know that may seem silly to some but it’s just how I feel. He has been previously married and has a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl from a previous marriage. Generally he gets along with the ex pretty well and I didn’t think that she had any issues with me. So there’s the nuts and bolts of it all. Now comes the issue.
His ex apparently told him that she doesn’t like me living with him. She doesn’t like her kids seeing us sleep in the same bed together. I can appreciate and respect this. So when his kids are over I sleep in another room of the house. I thought the problem was solved but she kept making comments about how she “didn’t want me to have anything to do with raising her kids since she didn’t know how long I would be in the picture.” I was really hurt by her saying this so I thought I’d have a heart to heart with her since we are going to get married and I intend on being here for the long haul. She basically told me that she didn’t take me seriously as a mother and doesn’t want her kids to get attached to me since she doesn’t know how long I’ll be around. After speaking with her for a while she finally told me that my fiancé told her that he “wasn’t sure” if we were actually going to get married. I was shocked. If he actually said that no wonder she doesn’t want me around her kids. I don’t blame her if this is really the case. So after I spoke to her I asked him if he ever implied to her that we weren’t going to get married. We have always communicated well so I was expecting him to deny it but he didn’t. He told me that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me since he knew I didn’t want to have a “bastard” as a child and how he knew it was important to me for the child to be legitimate. I am absolutely crushed. So apparently him asking me to marry him was just to make me feel better about having our child and he really has no intentions of marrying me. I guess that explains why I never got a ring. I guess that explains why the wedding keeps getting postponed. Of course he now realizes that what he did only made matters worse and he is very apologetic but it’s too late for an apology. He should have never asked me to marry him if he didn’t mean it. I am now thinking of moving out and giving the child up for adoption as I do not believe that a child should be brought up in an unstable home without two married parents. I am so lost right now and this stress is not good for my pregnancy. Any thoughts?
I hear what you are saying and totaly understand what you mean. Baggage is not easy to deal with but I do truly love him and his children and am willing to sacrifice some things to make the baggage work so to speak. I have been doing this for over a year and he has on more than one occasion thanked me for being gracious and understanding to him, his children, and his situation. I disagree however that "marriage is over rated." The problem I think with people today is that they don't take marriage seriously enough. It is supposed to be a life long commitment. No one said it would be easy. I've heard plenty of people that get married that say, "Well, if it doesn't work out we can just get divorced." If anyone goes into it with that mindframe they of course will fail at their marriage. I think they make it too easy to get divorced. Don't get me wrong, there are many people who should get divorced and they should be able to make that decision if they so choose but I don't think a lot of people understand what a marriage should be.
Marriage is over rated anyway, and getting in the middle of someone elses baggage really *****. Cut your losses and concentrate on you. Leave them to their own mess and move on. Better for you if you do. Good luck.
yikes, this is eerily familiar.
read my posts "He said WHAT?" and there's an earlier one too. My situation is not the same but similarly twisted by the father's wavering, insecurities and lack of emotional maturity.
I hear you about the 10% I think those things every day... the thing is, what I'm finding is that pregnancy makes you so vulnerable... I've been a very independent person all my life and now I feel like I really need someone to be committed, that I can truly count on.
but i'm also such a proud person that I don't want anyone around who isn't crazy about me and committed to me.
what do we do???
Well, we talked again. He doesn't want me to give the child up for adoption. He wants to be with me to raise him/her or so he says. I'm so irritated right now. I asked how can I believe that he wants to be with me if he tod his ex that he's "not sure". He then said that he was 90% sure he wanted to get married but just not totally sure. As far as I'm concerned that's like being 90% commited to quit smoking. If you still have an occasional cigarette, you are still smoking. That's probably a bad comparison but it's all I can think of. It's very simple. You either want to be with me, get married, and have a family or you don't. How are we supposed to raise a child together if you aren't sure you want to be with me? How am I supposed to wake up and spend each day with you wondering if you are going to be gone by the end of the day because the other 10% got the better of you?
First and foremost, ditch this loser. A "man" who tells his ex that he isn't sure he is marrying you after he has proposed but fails to mention this to you is not worth keeping around. There are more reasons than that to just follow your gut and leave but seriously - you want a man, not a boy and this guy is still in the boy-phase of his life.
Second, I admire your thoughts on adoption. If you are not ready to take on the responsiblity of raising a child (which it is alot of work and investment) then adoption is the loving choice. It is the most difficult decision to make for you, but that is why it is called a sacrifice. If it was easy, more people would do it. You are not less of a person by doing this.
Third, when you are thinking about these decisions do not base them on what people, family or not, will think of you. You need to decide what is best for you and this baby, and while everyone around you will have an opinion and advice and that, you need to search YOUR heart and decide what is best, because no one else can tell you what that is. Good luck.
Second, I admire your thoughts on adoption. If you are not ready to take on the responsiblity of raising a child (which it is alot of work and investment) then adoption is the loving choice. It is the most difficult decision to make for you, but that is why it is called a sacrifice. If it was easy, more people would do it. You are not less of a person by doing this.
Third, when you are thinking about these decisions do not base them on what people, family or not, will think of you. You need to decide what is best for you and this baby, and while everyone around you will have an opinion and advice and that, you need to search YOUR heart and decide what is best, because no one else can tell you what that is. Good luck.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
