Aa
Fiance doesn't really want to get married?
Okay. I usually just use this site for looking up information but I’m in a situation and I would like some opinions from people who don’t know me so they will be unbiased. My family and friends have offered up plenty on the situation but for some reason I think those not in my circle might have something useful to say. I have seen how catty some of these can get so please remember that this is my first time so although I want honesty, please try to be kind :)
I had been with my boyfriend for a little over a year when whoops, I became pregnant. Yes, I was using birth control so please don’t think we weren’t trying to be careful. I’m right at 15 weeks now. We had talked of marriage prior to the pregnancy so I was pretty sure we were heading in that direction anyway. I do love him dearly and can’t imagine my life without him. After he found out I was pregnant, he asked me to marry him. YEAH! I didn’t get a ring which I was disappointed about but I guess I assumed it was forthcoming. (He knows that I don’t want to have a child out of wedlock.) We moved in together. Things have been going great. I keep asking when we are going to be married (we’re just going to the courthouse). I just want to have a legitimate child. I just need the papers, not an elaborate ceremony. I keep asking him when we are going and he keeps saying soon but I’m starting to show and would rather have the few pictures that we take not look like I’m pregnant. I know that may seem silly to some but it’s just how I feel. He has been previously married and has a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl from a previous marriage. Generally he gets along with the ex pretty well and I didn’t think that she had any issues with me. So there’s the nuts and bolts of it all. Now comes the issue.
His ex apparently told him that she doesn’t like me living with him. She doesn’t like her kids seeing us sleep in the same bed together. I can appreciate and respect this. So when his kids are over I sleep in another room of the house. I thought the problem was solved but she kept making comments about how she “didn’t want me to have anything to do with raising her kids since she didn’t know how long I would be in the picture.” I was really hurt by her saying this so I thought I’d have a heart to heart with her since we are going to get married and I intend on being here for the long haul. She basically told me that she didn’t take me seriously as a mother and doesn’t want her kids to get attached to me since she doesn’t know how long I’ll be around. After speaking with her for a while she finally told me that my fiancé told her that he “wasn’t sure” if we were actually going to get married. I was shocked. If he actually said that no wonder she doesn’t want me around her kids. I don’t blame her if this is really the case. So after I spoke to her I asked him if he ever implied to her that we weren’t going to get married. We have always communicated well so I was expecting him to deny it but he didn’t. He told me that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me since he knew I didn’t want to have a “bastard” as a child and how he knew it was important to me for the child to be legitimate. I am absolutely crushed. So apparently him asking me to marry him was just to make me feel better about having our child and he really has no intentions of marrying me. I guess that explains why I never got a ring. I guess that explains why the wedding keeps getting postponed. Of course he now realizes that what he did only made matters worse and he is very apologetic but it’s too late for an apology. He should have never asked me to marry him if he didn’t mean it. I am now thinking of moving out and giving the child up for adoption as I do not believe that a child should be brought up in an unstable home without two married parents. I am so lost right now and this stress is not good for my pregnancy. Any thoughts?
I had been with my boyfriend for a little over a year when whoops, I became pregnant. Yes, I was using birth control so please don’t think we weren’t trying to be careful. I’m right at 15 weeks now. We had talked of marriage prior to the pregnancy so I was pretty sure we were heading in that direction anyway. I do love him dearly and can’t imagine my life without him. After he found out I was pregnant, he asked me to marry him. YEAH! I didn’t get a ring which I was disappointed about but I guess I assumed it was forthcoming. (He knows that I don’t want to have a child out of wedlock.) We moved in together. Things have been going great. I keep asking when we are going to be married (we’re just going to the courthouse). I just want to have a legitimate child. I just need the papers, not an elaborate ceremony. I keep asking him when we are going and he keeps saying soon but I’m starting to show and would rather have the few pictures that we take not look like I’m pregnant. I know that may seem silly to some but it’s just how I feel. He has been previously married and has a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl from a previous marriage. Generally he gets along with the ex pretty well and I didn’t think that she had any issues with me. So there’s the nuts and bolts of it all. Now comes the issue.
His ex apparently told him that she doesn’t like me living with him. She doesn’t like her kids seeing us sleep in the same bed together. I can appreciate and respect this. So when his kids are over I sleep in another room of the house. I thought the problem was solved but she kept making comments about how she “didn’t want me to have anything to do with raising her kids since she didn’t know how long I would be in the picture.” I was really hurt by her saying this so I thought I’d have a heart to heart with her since we are going to get married and I intend on being here for the long haul. She basically told me that she didn’t take me seriously as a mother and doesn’t want her kids to get attached to me since she doesn’t know how long I’ll be around. After speaking with her for a while she finally told me that my fiancé told her that he “wasn’t sure” if we were actually going to get married. I was shocked. If he actually said that no wonder she doesn’t want me around her kids. I don’t blame her if this is really the case. So after I spoke to her I asked him if he ever implied to her that we weren’t going to get married. We have always communicated well so I was expecting him to deny it but he didn’t. He told me that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me since he knew I didn’t want to have a “bastard” as a child and how he knew it was important to me for the child to be legitimate. I am absolutely crushed. So apparently him asking me to marry him was just to make me feel better about having our child and he really has no intentions of marrying me. I guess that explains why I never got a ring. I guess that explains why the wedding keeps getting postponed. Of course he now realizes that what he did only made matters worse and he is very apologetic but it’s too late for an apology. He should have never asked me to marry him if he didn’t mean it. I am now thinking of moving out and giving the child up for adoption as I do not believe that a child should be brought up in an unstable home without two married parents. I am so lost right now and this stress is not good for my pregnancy. Any thoughts?
I just don't think the OP will be happy in that arrangement. She seems set in her ways when it comes to how she views marriage and being in a relationship without it, I think she would eventually become discouraged and want to leave if she feels it is not moving in the direction she wanted it to go. Even though I agree, a child can be loved by both parents without having marriage be an option.
I'm aware of this RockRose. I said this because she is considering giving up the baby if they don't get married. I think that a child can have a wonderful life even if the parents aren't married. Ones ability to provide a loving stable home isn't dependant on the parents being married. She said that relationship was great and they were living together. Now that he isn't sure about getting married she is considering give the child up and moving out. All I'm saying is that if the relationship is good then why rush the marriage just because of being pregnant.
SunnySideUp, it's not the piece of paper that makes the difference. It's the two people who are vowing to stay together for the rest of their lives that makes the difference, and that's symbolized on the paper.
I don't believe getting married primarily because you are pregnant is a good idea. Well, atleast it wasn't for me. When I was 19 I got pregnant after five months of dating. We got married because it was "the right thing" to do. The marriage lasted eight years. I was sure that I married him because I loved him, but always wondered in the back of my mind if he ever would have married me if circumstances were different. Life as a single mother isn't the easiest, but I wouldn't know what to do without my kids. They are my world. I know that I don't know you but I think that if you give up this child because the father won't marry you it will be something that you regret and will torment you for the rest of your life. You will always wonder where the child is, if it's in a good home....just because a family has parents that are married doesn't mean that it is a loving stable environment. You need to do what is right for you and your life just remember that a piece of paper that says you are married isn't going to make that childs life any better or you a better parent.
After reading about your situation I was heart brokenat the end, not for the fact that some loser doesn't want to commit to you, but that you are considering on giving up a beautiful baby because the "sperm donor" ain't gonna be by your side. Who cares now a days if you are Married or not. That does not make a child a ******* child, and the child won't be ridiculed or shunned by society, I think you are hiding behind that reason, personally. Adults that choose to have Sex, know that hey, I could get pregnant. If you weren't ready for the responsibility of a child, you shouldn't of had sex in the first place. Now a days raising a child as a single mother you get soooo many benefits and assistance that finances aren't too much of an issue.
Once your child is born and you look into your baby's eyes could you really give up the most precious thing in the world because your road ahead may be difficult and not what you had planned. You need to do whats best for your child now, and put your childs needs first as a Mother in 25wks thats exactly what you will be a Mother. No one wants to be a single Mother, but whose to say you won't meet Mr. perfect in a few years and you, your baby and Mr. perfect can be a happy family.
Noone or nothing can replace the love of a child. Especially a first born. don't do something you will regret. dumb the loser and look to your friends and family for some help until you are strong enough to stand on your own.
I wish you all the best luck for you and your baby.
god bless.
Once your child is born and you look into your baby's eyes could you really give up the most precious thing in the world because your road ahead may be difficult and not what you had planned. You need to do whats best for your child now, and put your childs needs first as a Mother in 25wks thats exactly what you will be a Mother. No one wants to be a single Mother, but whose to say you won't meet Mr. perfect in a few years and you, your baby and Mr. perfect can be a happy family.
Noone or nothing can replace the love of a child. Especially a first born. don't do something you will regret. dumb the loser and look to your friends and family for some help until you are strong enough to stand on your own.
I wish you all the best luck for you and your baby.
god bless.
Wow!!! What a truly difficult and upsetting situation for you to find yourself in! My heart goes out to you.
First off, you strike me as a really decent, nice, considerate person. To me the attitude of the ex-wife (her being unhappy about the kids seeing your with their father) would have bugged me, but you've been more than understanding and considerate about it, and gone out of your way to resolve it. Not really relevant to your issue - just wanted to say that!
OK, you wanted honesty, so here is my opinion. It is clear that this guy does not want to marry you. It might be that he simply doesn't want to marry you yet, but if he's simply putting it off until your relationship has been going on a bit longer, and he knows you better, well he may then decide later that he doesn't.
However, I reckon he just doesn't want to marry you at all - my gut feeling from everything you've said. He only proposed because you wanted him to, it sounds pretty half-hearted, and the lack of ring, and the prevarication over setting a date, he either had second thoughts about it pretty quickly or never really meant it in the first place. If you really mean it, you either get a ring in advance, or (if you are too worried about not choosing the right thing) you go shopping for rings as soon as you are accepted. Well, I'd have thought so anyway.
Even if the marriage did go ahead now, I would worry about whether it would really last. Getting married for any reason other than because you want to spend the rest of your life with that person is not a great recipe for long-term success. Even if that reason is a kid on the way, sooner or later it's going to break down because deep down he knows that it's not you he wants to be with, and that he's only married to you because of something that happened. Some marriages that start off way more committed than this still end up breaking down because there's not enough love there to sustain them. I really wouldn't want to head into a relationship that's supposed to last for ever with someone who doesn't share that committment, who doesn't really want to be there.
There's another possibility, that the failure of his first marriage has put him off the whole concept of marriage, that he's fearful that if he goes into another marriage that it will end the same way the last one did. He might want to be with you, but not want to get married. I don't fully "get" this way of thinking myself, it doesn't really make sense to me, but I do know several people in very long-term, committed relationships, probably ones that will last a lifetime, who don't want to get married. Bad experiences, either of their own prior marriages or those of their parents, have made the whole concept of marriage seem to them like a curse to a relationship rather than a blessing. However, given his apparent comments to his ex-wife, I don't think this is the case for your fiance - he's showing doubts not just about marrying you, but about whether this relationship is going to last that long.
I really respect your opinions about considering putting the child up for adoption. It's not a very politically-correct attitude to have, but I agree that a child is best raised in a loving family with two parents. Even considering adoption is a very selfless and loving thing to do, and if it comes to that I'm sure it will be very difficult to go through.
Good luck, this is a horrible thing for you to be going through, try to stay strong and think clearly about what's best for you and best for your baby.
First off, you strike me as a really decent, nice, considerate person. To me the attitude of the ex-wife (her being unhappy about the kids seeing your with their father) would have bugged me, but you've been more than understanding and considerate about it, and gone out of your way to resolve it. Not really relevant to your issue - just wanted to say that!
OK, you wanted honesty, so here is my opinion. It is clear that this guy does not want to marry you. It might be that he simply doesn't want to marry you yet, but if he's simply putting it off until your relationship has been going on a bit longer, and he knows you better, well he may then decide later that he doesn't.
However, I reckon he just doesn't want to marry you at all - my gut feeling from everything you've said. He only proposed because you wanted him to, it sounds pretty half-hearted, and the lack of ring, and the prevarication over setting a date, he either had second thoughts about it pretty quickly or never really meant it in the first place. If you really mean it, you either get a ring in advance, or (if you are too worried about not choosing the right thing) you go shopping for rings as soon as you are accepted. Well, I'd have thought so anyway.
Even if the marriage did go ahead now, I would worry about whether it would really last. Getting married for any reason other than because you want to spend the rest of your life with that person is not a great recipe for long-term success. Even if that reason is a kid on the way, sooner or later it's going to break down because deep down he knows that it's not you he wants to be with, and that he's only married to you because of something that happened. Some marriages that start off way more committed than this still end up breaking down because there's not enough love there to sustain them. I really wouldn't want to head into a relationship that's supposed to last for ever with someone who doesn't share that committment, who doesn't really want to be there.
There's another possibility, that the failure of his first marriage has put him off the whole concept of marriage, that he's fearful that if he goes into another marriage that it will end the same way the last one did. He might want to be with you, but not want to get married. I don't fully "get" this way of thinking myself, it doesn't really make sense to me, but I do know several people in very long-term, committed relationships, probably ones that will last a lifetime, who don't want to get married. Bad experiences, either of their own prior marriages or those of their parents, have made the whole concept of marriage seem to them like a curse to a relationship rather than a blessing. However, given his apparent comments to his ex-wife, I don't think this is the case for your fiance - he's showing doubts not just about marrying you, but about whether this relationship is going to last that long.
I really respect your opinions about considering putting the child up for adoption. It's not a very politically-correct attitude to have, but I agree that a child is best raised in a loving family with two parents. Even considering adoption is a very selfless and loving thing to do, and if it comes to that I'm sure it will be very difficult to go through.
Good luck, this is a horrible thing for you to be going through, try to stay strong and think clearly about what's best for you and best for your baby.
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