Husband Won't Keep A Job

[ak14]

My husband (just married less than a month ago) recently started a new job after being fired a month ago (a company issue where several employees and managers were fired) from one he absolutely loved and kept for over a year. He doesn't have the best work history, and about a year and a half before we got married he went through a period where he quit 2 jobs in a row after less than 2 weeks at each. Both times it started the same, he thought it a great job, but within a couple days he was miserable, wanted to quit, physically sick, and beating himself up saying how I deserve better etc.. His mom is severely manic depressive, so sometimes I wonder if he really has anxiety or if he is mocking her actions so I'll feel bad and allow him to quit yet another job. Well this new job is no different and all of this has started yet again. When he likes the job he's a great employee and will work overtime/ do anything they want. But when he doesn't it causes constant stress for me. I work full time and go to school so a second job is not an option for me, but we can't make it on just my paycheck. I try to be supportive and loving, but it's hard when this situation makes me feel like he's leaving me stranded financially, again, and only a few weeks after we got married. It also causes waves in my family, I come from parents that have a great life because they've always worked hard for it, so him being so unsteady with a job causes tension no matter how much they like the person he is. Any advice on how to deal with this? How I should handle his anxiety, or if it really is true anxiety?

[specialmom]

Has he actually lost the job or just complaining about it?  Lots of people do find themselves in a line of work they don't love and complain.  How many jobs has he lost in the past 5 years?  

Rather than focusing on leaving him at this point ---  how about talking to him about his goals and ambition and what exactly he wants to do.  Then help him achieve that by being supportive.  The reason why I say that is that I've seen this also work. That a person can shift their goals and then become more ambitious.  But either way, good communication here is helpful.  Expressing to HIM how you feel and that you want to feel like a TEAM regarding your finances.

I am not sure I'd go straight to you have to leave him at this point.  Try to work it out.  You've been together a while.

In life, it's not about who makes more and what if we separate and there is alimony. etc.  There are a lot of relationships in which the bulk of supporting income comes from one party but it is usually the male.  We still, as a society, think that it is MORE wrong for a woman to be the supporting breadwinner but that is beginning to change. In my area, there are men who take care of kids and don't work at all or have okay jobs while the wife is the true breadwinner.  Times they are a changing.  Do we think the woman who gets married and worked at an hourly wage job as a secretary married to the executive making big bucks should not receive alimony after 10 years of marriage?  Anyway, just often there is a double standard when it comes to men.  

If he is lazy and just doesn't work, that is something to consider.  If you are feeling like there is no hope for any change, then you can begin thinking of separation.  But you've known him a long time.  It's worth exploring what you can do before getting to that point.  good luck

[Nighthawk61]

Is he under educated and working menial jobs? Because that can be trying and good reason why he loses interest. I'm not saying it's a good excuse not to work, just that it might be helpful for him consider a college course, so that he can find and keep a job that he has interest in. The least that could happen is that he receive help (from you?) to get his GED for college entrance. Rome wasn't built in a day. I agree that you signed on for something that may have scared most women away. That doesn't mean you're stuck , you can surely leave, however it makes me think that you may want to help him to find his way. And you can do that, maybe with Government student loans.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I can't go so far as to say I think You should leave but if You do, and if there is a 'next time', heed the Red Flags.  They were present before You married and You chose to 'sweep them under the rug'.

Most often what 'goes wrong in a marriage' was evident in the courtship stage but, for whatever reason, we think it will be 'different' after the wedding - generally it is not.  What We See Is What We Get.

GoodLuck

[Londres70]

Ditto Chima............that's good food for thought.

He's been fired from jobs and quits jobs..........it's pretty crystal clear.

[Jinx_777]

the reply by  chima should be a huge wake up call for you.  you may be able to get an annulment since you have not been married long.

it is a fantasy that this man will suddenly find long term employment and be happy.  if that doesn't happen YOU will have to pay alimony and half of your retirement, etc.

you should have seen it before marrying him, but it is not too late to wise up and right your wrongs.
you want more out of life and rightfully so

[Life360_Dave]

Hi Also, you kind of lost me with this post. The issue is he has a new job and is complaining? Then you mention you cant support you both. Please explain as work issue with men can have underlying causes.Nothing wrong with changing jobs.

[Chima7]

My sister married a guy like this. He never had a steady job for the 10+ years they were married. The stress was very difficult for her, being the only responsible one. They finally got divorced but the court awarded him a ridiculous amount of alimony for doing absolutely nothing and despite the divorce being over for a few years, she still has tremendous anxiety that he will keep coming after her for more money because the loser still can't hold down a steady job! It can happen to you, too. Don't let yourself be a victim of a deadbeat husband because you'll end up having to pay him alimony if you stay married too long and he doesn't work steadily during the marriage.

[RockRose]

ak,  I think this pattern should have been addressed before you got married.  It's true that there are times when a man might get fired from a  couple jobs in a row and have a rough patch,  but your description is pretty detailed and paints a clear picture that he's basically unemployable because he's never happy at work.

I think for the time being you should stay on very reliable birth control,  and sit back and watch how he handles this.  In my experience,  men like this make a lifetime habit of being completely unreliable.

[Londres70]

"Any advice on how to deal with this? How I should handle his anxiety, or if it really is true anxiety?"...............It doesn't matter whether it is anxiety or not true anxiety if he isn't willing to change or seek help for his behavior.

You were fully aware of his employment history and still married him, thus you accepted this behavior unfortunately.

Stay with him and be prepared to be the realiable, study income for HIM or leave and have the peace of mind of not having to take care of a "dead beat" husband.

Sounds like you two want different things out of life, well.....it sounds like you know what you want and this husband doesn't and/or he is suffering from some form of mental instability.........that's my guess.  If I was your family I would be HIGHLY concerned for YOU.

I would be talking to him and drawing boundaries and making yourself perfectly clear this needs to be addressed pronto or you will be on your merry way.