17 year old step daughter Is this normal ?

[stepmom48]

   My step daughter is 17 years old.  When the three of us are together  she touches him every few  minutes.  She rubs his face  and his hands.   She leans on him while talking to him.  She pokes him.    She hangs on him like a much younger 5 -10 year old .   When she was that age it didn’t bother me the way is does now.    Every were we go she hangs on his arm.
If I’m walking side by side with him she gets in front of me and stops until she  is side by side with her.  I try to control my frustration and walk as far away from the two   of them as possible.  Everywhere we go he sits in the middle of us both and she talks to him the whole time so he will face her.   He used to sit side by side with her at the dinner table until I complained.  
Yes, I’m jealous not a doubt but I can stand that.  I don’t like that It turns into an unhealthy  competition  between us.   It should not be that way.  I pray that because I’m the adult I can let her be,  but I’m so tired of it.   I enjoy  spending time with  just her  but I don’t enjoy the nature of our time together spending time with the three of us.      
I have a same age son that I won’t let him act like that.   Especially in front of my husband.   If he wants to  cuddle when we are alone that’s ok.      
If I thought this would end, I could tolerate  it for the next  two years  of high school.  But  now she is considering going to college locally and living width us.  She has no interests in friends or boyfriends as she has him for her everything.  That leaves me as tagging along.  I feel like a third wheel.  My  son  is not with us much because he has teenage friends and activities.  She is socially awkward and  has no friends.          I encourage them to have them spend time together without me, because I know they need it and it’s a relief for me not to go.

[southernbelle05]

This is kind of old, are you still in this same situation? I know the children are grown now but did it stop? How did you handle it? What was the resolution? I ask that because I am in the exact same situation you were going through and I am in desperate need of help. I really feel horrible about my thoughts and feelings but am I wrong for this. I have searched the internet to find a woman who's going through what I am feeling and trying to find out if I am crazy or just overreacting. Ive read one post similar to this one and one of the replies were implying the adult had some type of issues concerning her relationship with her father. The reply was very interesting bc it went on to say since she did not have a good  relationship with her own father, she doesn't know what it is like to have a father around and know what's appropriate or not. Sounds interesting doesn't it? I have had this conversation with my mother and sister and they both agreed with me. There are boundaries and I have to say what I feel. I am his wife and I shouldn't feel like I feel. Please respond

[AnnieBrooke]

I would say that if the above post is an *exact* representation of your story, down to the fact that the girl has no friends and intends to stay in town in order to stay near her dad instead of going away to college, it kind of sounds like the girl has emotional problems. By now, if she is in her late teens, she *should* have friends and should care way more about them than being with her father. She sounds lonely, at the very least. I wouldn't think a lecture about "boundaries" is appropriate here, it's not like she is simply flouting social or etiquette rules, she sounds really, really needy. This can come from mental issues, emotional issues or even from being on the spectrum. Why don't you talk this over with a family therapist and see what they say?

[Londres70]

Where is the mother?  

How many children do you have?  

















































































































































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[brice1967]

I gave up on trying to figure out what "normal" even is.  There is dysfunction on some level in every home, if we sat and judged long enough.

I think what Tink said is accurate.  When "daddy" is not in the home, maybe daughter over compensates and vice versa when daddy gets to be around his daughter.

I know of a situation where the mother left a marriage and left the child with the father.  For years, even today the mother tries to do all of these wonderful things for the daughter to make up for lost time.  This is not my assumption.  This is what this mother told me.... guilt.  Honestly, I've seen the daughter guilt trip the mother a time or two and mom always falls into it.

I would be with you in thinking that this behavior between dad and daughter is a bit.... oh.... too much perhaps.  I don't know if there is anything much more going on than just this behavior but I do see how it could be bothersome.

Is your husband okay with this?  I mean, it sounds like he is because he keeps playing into it....  I don't know.  Perhaps a good sit down between you and he is necessary.  What I'd do though is plan for the worst.... Start to save some money and have somewhere to go, and then kindly and politely schedule a time where just you and he could talk about this situation.  If it goes to hell in a hand cart, out the door you go (or maybe out the door he goes).  If it goes well, you can work on a solution together.  (The underwear thing is weird too.... really really weird.)

[TTinKKerBBell]

I don't know if this will be of help
BUT
OFTEN it seems that Daughters who don't have Daddy present in the home become "overly(?)" needy for Daddy (is it truely "overly", or is that our "perception")
AND
Daddy often becomes "overly" attentive to "Daughter" (or whatever Child is from the prior marriage) because He feels guilty - which He PROBABLY should - because we ARE letting the Children down!!  WE TRUELY ARE!!

I'm not saying these aren't "issues" that need to be addressed "somehow" but I AM saying that in these situations "issues" DO arise!!  I don't know the solution -  but I will say that SpecialMom is SO correct when She of OFTEN points out that "dating" is so we can "learn" who we want to spend the rest of our life with and it seems so often that we "tend" to "bypass" or "ignore" potential problems that "can" and "DO" arise, especially when there are "previous" Children!!  

IF WE ADULTS DON'T GET IT RIGHT - THEN WHAT IS IT WE ARE EXPECTING FROM THESE "CHILDREN" ??!!

Things really DO get "skewed" when there are Children!!  and we "adults"(?) tend to MINIMIZE the Child's issues when we are in PURSUIT of our OWN happiness!!  If We, as "adults" have so many issues, then why is it difficult to realize the Children of Broken, Failed Marriages might have "issues" as well.  

[RockRose]

I went to your profile,  convinced you had posted this exact story several times in the past year,  but apparently you haven't.  I have read this story,  over and over,  complete with the daughter refusing to leave for college when the time came so she could continue to dominate her father,  and with the sons in the picture who don't and won't be allowed to behave the same way.  

I'm baffled by how many step mothers (and biological mothers,  actually) post that their daughters have aggressively taken on the role of primary romantic relationship with the man.  If you go through the archives on this forum and the archives on the Parenting teenagers forum,  you'll find your exact story posted again and again.

Other than you have lots of company with your problem,  I don't know what else to say - it's very odd,  how often this seems to happen.  Memory is failing me right now,  but there was a recent presidential politician who did this also.  Took his daughter,  not his able bodied and wiling wife,  on the campaign trail to act as potential future First Lady.  

[specialmom]

I am more interested in what your husband has to ay about it.  How does he feel?

[stepmom48]

I admit i"m am jealous. But I'm wondering if its more than that.      I'd like to understand further what  the issues are here too.  that's the reason for the post.   Yes, I think my husband would be uncomfortable if my son were hanging on me so often.
Is it different with boys?  He is more affectionate when we are alone.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I don't know if something is "wrong" here but a few things stand out to me:

Perhaps She IS jealous of You but it sounds that YOU may be jealous of Her as well?  The other thing that stands out to me is You say You don't allow Your Son of the same age to "cuddle" with You in front of Your Husband but if You and Son are alone then it's okay.  Does this mean if You allow Your Son affection in front of Your Husband then there would also be an issue of jealousy between the two of them?

I'd like to understand further what You think the issues are here.

[thatquietgirl]

She sounds like how I act with my boyfriend on a normal day plus traits I might display if I ever had someone I felt I was competing with for his attention and affection.  I would say it's not healthy at all because 1) she shouldn't be feeling like you're competition and 2) she shouldn't treat her father how someone might treat a boyfriend.

That being said, how did she feel when you came into the picture?  She was really young, but I can almost bet you the feelings of jealousy are stemming from childhood feelings she had toward you when you came into the picture.  It might be that your relationship now is fine, but we hang onto a lot of things from childhood.  This may not stop until she realizes herself there is a problem with how she is acting and why she is acting that way.  She's young and probably has not had a chance to get to figure out who she is, much less why she acts the way she does in many things.  In some ways, going to school away from home or at the very least someplace local with a dorm room she can stay in and just come home on the weekends might be a better thing with her social awkwardness and need to find herself.  She won't address it as long as she has familiar people to lean on.

[specialmom]

Well, perhaps you can talk to her dad about this and he can set up some boundaries.  That he doesn't is concerning to you, I'm sure.  Ask him why he doesn't.  Don't ask him in a way that he becomes defensive but rather to really discuss the topic of how to be a 'family' without all of that 'stuff' going on.  He's the one to control it as he is her parent.  You work from the angle of talking behind closed doors with him about how to best make this situation work for everyone.  good luck