I cheated and hate myself for it

[jameslk]

To anyone reading,
I need help. I'm absolutely ashamed of myself. I cheated on my wife recently. I met up with a family friend who has been flirtatious in the past, and we ended up having sex. It lasted no more than 5 minutes out of me realizing what I was doing and made myself stop. I've been a wreck ever since. I can't believe what I've done. I've never done anything like this to anyone, ever. I don't know what came over me, my wife means the world to me and I can't stand the thought of seeing her in pain after I tell her what I've done.
Which is why I am leaning towards not telling her, it would destroy her and our marriage would be over.

I know what I did was beyond wrong, all I want is for things to be normal again, I can honestly say that I'll never do something like this again. I've been up every night sick to my stomach because of what I've done. Is not telling her given this instance the right thing to do? Would it be selfish to unload all this guilt on her?
The individual I cheated with is also a family friend and her reputation is at stake too. I've really screwed up here.
I'm sorry.

I've currently undergone testing for all STD's, out of paranoia and fear. I would tell her if I contracted something, I'm also checking myself in to therapy, as I've felt for a long time that something isn't right with me. Am I wrong for keeping all this from her? I know this might sound like BS to you, but all I want to do is fix things without hurting her, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. So please believe me. Please.

Any advice is welcome.
Thank you.

James

[Judy246]

By not telling her, you continue this patter of dishonest and deceit to cover your infidelity. I recommend that you speak with a marriage counselor or even a priest, pastor, etc., who are trained to deal with these types of situations and how best to deal with them, confront them and advice. I commend you that you are aware that in a moment of weakness, you did wrong, but there is always hope and by not telling her you will always be looking over your shoulders that the truth is going to come out and live in fear that someone or someway she will find out. This is a perfect example what infidelity can do to a marriage. Destroy it completely, but if you don't tell her, you continue in your deceit to cover yourself, which is selfish and continues to be about you and what is best for you and that's just not right. Talk with a professional  (priest at no charge!), who is bet on how to advice you both emotionally and spirutually. Good luck, Judy

[penswriter]

you can not tell her and when she DOES find out (which she will) you can get it worse than if you do tell her. yeah she's going to be really mad but do you honestly want her finding out from someone else?? or worse getting an std and finding out that way? you're going to have to live with the consequences of your actions. YOU decided to cheat so YOU have to live with it. if that means divorce the ONLY one you can blame...is yourself.

[boogiefly]

You really need to tell her. Take it from someone has cheated and kept it a secret for 5 years, the guilt eats you up. You will start acting angry for no reason and take it out on her. The longer you keep it a secret the longer you are living a lie. Your wife will feel more betrayed than if u just confess to this moment of weekness. It will look much worse than a 5 minute mistake. Plus if you can't confess your mistakes to your wife, who can u confess you. She may or may not forgive you, but that is the consequences you have taken.

[Judy246]

The truth will always come out sooner or later and God forbid that she contract an STD. It's your choice if you want to tell her or not, but what I know for sure is that you have a conscience and it will catch up to you sooner or later. Life has a way of bringing all things in darkness, silence and hidden into light.

[lovemykids465]

This is a tuff one. I wish I did not know about my husbands infidelity at times. What you don't know can't hurt you and even though we are working it out it hurts me everyday. I do not know when and if I will ever be the same again. I want to thank you though for posting here. My husband says to me what you have posted but I never know if it is because he was caught or if he really means it. I can only hope he feels the same way you do.

On the other side If I would have found out from someone else it would have been even harder for me. My personal opinion is go to a counselor alone first, get things worked out and then have your wife come in with you and then tell her but in the right way and the right time. I only say this because your infidelity was not with a stranger but with someone you are both acquainted with. Good Luck!

[mami1323]

It's not only his consequence, it's going to be his wife's as well.  The pain she will feel is going to be more than anyone could imagine.  I just don't think it's necessary unless she were to find out eventually.  But again that's on MO.  I've been a victim and if my fiance did it once, felt it was the worst mistake he ever made and spent the rest of his life making it up to me without me having to know what happened, I think I would be better off.  It's not just hurt, it's the loss of a friend, the destruction of trust, the damage to self esteem, the crumbling of every aspect of the relationship.  Yes, it can be fixed and repaired but it will always have cracks.  It's never going to be what it once was.  If only I could look at my fiance the same as I did before knowing about what he did to me and our family.  It will never be the same and even if you don't lose your wife, you will lose every once of respect she ever had for you.  Losing her is the easiest thing that will happen because she will live with this pain for years and years.