I don't find my wife attractive

[Paulfisher12]

I have a problem and it isn't getting any better. About seven years ago, I met my wife and we began going out. I am American and my wife is from Europe (If that matters); the long and short of it is - my wife does not sure me on sexually. When we first started doing out, we would make out but I just didn't feel like having sex, it wasn't that I didn't want to have sex with a women, I did and still do. The problem I have is, it just is never her.

I know I have problems, and she is bad tempered and kind of flares upeasily, I just don't want to deal with her sometimes. So why did I marry her, well she had a lot of good qualities and to be honest I just thought the sex part of the relationship would work itself out, but I want sex but not with her. I do a lot of masturbating, but I am afraid I going to crack and try to pick up other women which I don't want to do.

I am confused and scared, I don't know why she does't turn me in. When we first met, she weighed 180 pounds and was 5"2. I was turned off by her obesity - but I could never say anything because she would flare up. I just don't know what to do with her, I think at the time we went out I was at a really low point in my life, I had been shafted by a couple of women I really wanted, but in reality I have been shy around women by whole life, and I settled because I didn't think I could do any better?

So why didn't she walk, well she got a green card out of the deal...so what do I do. I don't want to get this women and really screw up
my life and the kids. I am really depressed about this

thanks

[Paulfisher12]

I want to say that my wife did lose around 40 pounds but it has only helped marginally. As a man in my 30's, I can say that I take care of myself, and I think I should expect the same from my partner, I don't that if person let's themselves go, that I should just want have sex at the drop of a dime.

[Paulfisher12]

If the problem is me please say so

[Paulfisher12]

My fear? This is more than a sexless marriage, it is a loveless mArriage.

[Paulfisher12]

I should say; i want to this stuff out and not go behind her back

[TTinKKerBBell]

why did you marry this woman????  It seems I must have missed something????

[TTinKKerBBell]

maybe You should do Her a favor and just bail out.

[brice1967]

Paul, you said it without saying it.  You've probably made a mistake by judging from what you've written down.  You basically said there wasn't anything there from the start.  Without that spark, without that hope or that feeling in your gut, I am confused as to how you let yourself get into this situation.....

But maybe you said it above too..... that you had been let down by some other women.  Maybe this hurt your self esteem/self image and you jumped on this girl for the rebound.

You've got to ask yourself a few questions Paul.  First off, what was it that attracted you to this woman?  Secondly, if that is still there, is it strong enough to rebuild the relationship back up around it?  What is it you really want from this woman, or women in general?

Paul, you've stated that this woman has a bit of a temper, but I think it is real important to have a nice little sit down talk to express your concerns, and listen to hers as well.  You are both adults, and it is time to do the adult thing.  Talking about this stuff can be difficult at first, but you may find that after starting (regardless of where the relationship may go) it all starts to just slip off the tongue, so to speak.  Make an appointment with her.  Make it a time where you can both be there, without the children (I think you said there were kids involved) present.  Give yourselves a good couple of days to sit and think about what it is that you want to say or address.  You've also got to put yourself in a position to listen... to actually hear what her complaints/concerns are.

Another option is letting a therapist kind of be a mediator.  It ***** to get another person involved with all of the dirty laundry, but often having someone not involved with the situation sit and see the whole picture, can have a lasting better effect.

And really Paul, if there is no hope for the relationship.... now would be the time to do something about it.  It's fair to her, its fair to the kids, and its fair to you.  Life is too short to be miserable, and it sounds like you want out more than anything.

[Paulfisher12]

No kids

[specialmom]

I think that since you knew how she looked and about your lack of attraction and still felt she was worth marrying, that you accept that you picked this type of relationship to tie yourself to.  I feel like if we walk into something with our eyes wide open that we then can not complain about it.  She must have some redeeming qualities------- focus on those.  good luck

[Paulfisher12]

I was raised in a home where sex was viewed as dirty, so perhaps I inadvertedly thought it didn't matter but it does. I come from a highly disfinctional family, I was very very very lonely and just wanted someone, anyone in my life to talk to to share with, someone who would listen, but it is not enough

[Paulfisher12]

Yes, she does have redeeming qualities, but she has a lot of bad ones too

she wants sex at least twice a week, and I feel so much pressure, and it turnse off, it becomes mechanical and feels like a chore, that is what I do not like

[Paulfisher12]

I know their are a lot of women out there who don't like my posts and think that I am an a-hole for commenting on her body type. But let me tell you something, it is loose loose situation. One person asking, what do I want from women in general? Weird question, I am not looking for a harem, I don't view women as accessories, but I look for something that is good, solid and wondrful. And sex is a part of that, but I view as a piece of the larger pie. I know you have to work to keep the pie whole, but sometimes you feel like you are fighting a losing battle. One person says kick her to the curb, one says work on it - wish it were that simple

[cheshchesh819]

heres a question,what do you want,really want,if it was life or death what would you choose to do.

[Paulfisher12]

Life of course

[Paulfisher12]

Friends family security love stability pride and success

[cheshchesh819]

yes but what would life be like without your wife,could you be happy

[Paulfisher12]

Without a wife probably not. I am not a solitary creature

[Paulfisher12]

Yes I would say my life is perhaps better having her in it than out if - I just she is unhappy about the sex part and she may bolt and I am so afraid that if I don't please her in that department she is gone

[Paulfisher12]

In many ways we make excellent friends so why can't the romance part work too?

[cheshchesh819]

It just seems to me that you lack the ability to be alone and discover who and what you are and what you want from life,this is probably due to your up bringing{not your fault}but i do think that if you maybe tried speaking to a councillor about your feelings this will help alot,sex is not dirty it is part of a married life,but if you cant bring yourself to do it with your wife then a bit of help might be needed,do you ever feel the urge around other woman or are you like this period.

[Paulfisher12]

No I really love women and defintely fantasize about other women, mind you I know how to act around women and I am very respectful, that is part of the problem.

[Paulfisher12]

When I was a kid, my dad beat the crap of me and I was also mentally abused by both my mom and dad. I was also sexually humiliated by a psychiatrist. I was bullied in school.

I masturbated as am escape and I have a hard time stopping, I think I prefer the fantasy of having sex with a women to the real thing. I think  the fantasy is safer, but I can't get beyond it

[cheshchesh819]

Well i think you have answered your own question her,if a therapist cant help i think you know what has to be done,it is the only right thing to do for you and your wife,i do hope you try the help first but i really think you and your wife are done.

[Aimar]

I just think you should just separate if there r no Kids involved you still have a chance to find someone that sutes your needs, expectations, a women that you feel proud to be with that you Love and desire etc. your wife deserves a man who want to to it and not feel like an obligation and viceversa the same to you.. Man need to feel attractive to their spouse... if u didtn feel attractive to her in the begening i dont think things will change. so try to ended in a clean way. like they say life is too short to be unhappy... your LIfe Your Desition.