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Avatar universal

I don't love my husband and my child

I've been married for 5 years. My child is 3 years old now. 3 month after she was born I learned that my husband cheated on me with his Ex. I found a letter from Family court which stated that she filed for child support for her daughter who is only six month older than mine. It was my husband's child.. Which they conceived after we got married.
I was shocked, I felt like my life was destroyed. I didn't divorce my husband, because I had this baby to care for. Plus I have no family in the US, but my husband, so I nowhere to go. I felt depressed, and tried to commit suicide. It took me a year to get use too idea that my live will never be the same, and family that I have always dreamed of will never happened to me. I am all better now, but unfortunately I don't have any love left for my husband. I can't stand him, every time I look at him I see person who lied to me while promised to make me happy.  having sex with him is a night mare for me. And the worst thing of all, I don't love my child. I feel like I got trapped into this life because of her. Every time I look at her, all I can think of is that if I didn't have her I would be free from this man, who betrayed me and destroyed my marriage. She loves her father very much, they are the best friends in the whole world.
I really want to leave my husband, but if I do what should I do about my daughter? I don't want people around me think that I am a bed mother if I leave her too. But If I take her with me she will be devastated; her father is everything for her.
I am lost, and don't know what to do.

60 Responses
Avatar universal
Even thinking about committing suicide over a man in my opinion is insane. I can understand the pain you are feeling but hey! Get a life! It took both of you to lay down and conceive that child and if it is anyones fault it is certainly not the childs. How about a mistake in judgemnt on your part?  If you do not love your husband then take the child or dont take the child and leave for cryin out loud, in case you hadnt noticed you are in America. You only have yourself to blame if you cannot succeed, but blaming a child for your torn relationship is silly. Thank your lucky stars you found out what kind of a man he is now rather than when your too old to start over and make a good life for yourself.
13167 tn?1327197724
MNB - I think you should give real thought to leaving,  and leaving your daughter with the parent who loves her.

Other people discovering that you don't love your daughter is such a miniscule point in this whole sad picture - anyone who knows you well already knows this,  so their opinion of what kind of a mother you are won't change much.

Her concept of relationships,  and her self-worth,  and her place in the world is being formed right now - and has been for the last three years.  Her mother looks at her every day with resentment and wishes she were never born - she will not grow into a functioning woman in that kind of an environment.  

Her dad does love her,  and she loves him,  and is warm and caring with her,  and under his nurturing eye,  she feels good about herself.

What he did was wrong,  what you are doing to your little daughter is 1000 times worse in my opinion.

152852 tn?1205717026
I agree with RR--you should leave your husband and leave your daughter with her father.  You will do more damage to her being around her feeling the way you do about her than you would being absent from her life.  Maybe your husband's mother or sister or some other positive, loving, nurturing woman can somehow fill a bit of the void of not having a loving mother in her life.  But if you stay, you will do a lot more damage being around her while feeling the way you do about her--no matter how wonderful your husband is to her or how loving and adoring her grandma or aunt are, you will destroy all that--all she'll want to do is get you to love her.  She deserves better than that.
Avatar universal
I think you cannot love even yourself right now. You must remove yourself from the situation.  I believe you love your daughter and yourself but you've been so mistreated that it is buried. Being an immigrant can be a cold experience and I'm sorry that people on this forum are not more sensitive!!

Take time to do whatever you need to do to heal your heart and leave your daughter with her dad for a while. Then decide what to do about your whole situation.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your respond.
You are absolutely right I can't love myself right now. Its killing me just to think that I have thoughts about not loving my child. I was so happy when she was born, I was waiting for that moment with such excitement. Those 3 month were the happiest in my life. I had everything I ever wanted and dreamed of. Then everything changed. I don't have many friends so I have no one to talk to so I keep all my feelings to myself. I really don't want to be that mother who abandoned her child.  I hope I will figure out what I have to do in the near future.
492898 tn?1222247198
Give it some time, and forgive yourself. Don't hate yourself. How much this must hurt you!! You have an awful lot of courage to speak your truth here. And I believe as long as you speak the truth, and it really helps to speak it out loud,
there is hope for your recovery. I believe in you already for that reason. I know you feel terribly stuck and it seems like things will never change. they may not change in any way you can envision, but they will change in ways you cannot. Kat
646779 tn?1281999641
I have had experience within my wider-family of a mum who suffered depression. She felt she was a bad person and she didn't feel love for anyone - she was just numb by her illness. I think you may be suffering from a form of depression because of the pain this has brought you. The months after having a baby are very tender - for mum as well as baby - for something as horrible as this to have happened to you at this sensitive time - when your emotions are up and down, I am not surprised you became negative to all around you. Unfortulately this occurred around your child too and she has got caught up in it.
Yes you shouldn't ever feel you need to forgive your husband as he his a cheating scumbag ultimately, but I think you can find it within yourself, when you've left him and you no longer have to think about what he did by looking at him everyday, to love your child. She will only ever love you, unlike him - a liar, a cheat, a looser. She is **Worth So Much More than him**. Keep your pain and hate towards him seperate from your feelings for your daughter and you too will feel for her in different ways than him. All good feelings!!
I think you may be depressed, so your emotions are flat and numb.
You will heal - without him - with your daughter - when you are ready for her.
There is nothing wrong with leaving them temporarily to get your self better. Then go to her.
Really wish you well !! Your husband can Rot...
Avatar universal
Thank you all for your advice and support.
Telling the truth, I thought about leaving him for a while. I thought, maybe I feel that way because he is there all the time, and when I leave him everything will change. I am just afraid to live my daughter. What if I come back for her, and my husband won't let me take her?
13167 tn?1327197724
If you leave and then much later come back for her,  you probably don't stand much of a chance in the courts - although your daughter might  want to know you and interact with you.

I think the advise about depression was probably good - can you get help for clinical depression?
Avatar universal
Your husband is a jerk. He is likely only manipulating the child to hurt you. Wht would he be a good parent, if he cannot work on his marriage. I would not leave a child with a person who betrayed her mother. I think you are depressed and confused. Please seek couseling that is positive. Possibly may take more than one try. Also seek a supprt group and a parenting group, so that you can realize how a child needs a dependable parent.
Avatar universal
With the thoughts you say you are having leave her and try to get joint custody with him as the primary.  To often parents who are depressed or suicidal try killing the child too when they are feeling down.  your child desrves better than yhat.
Avatar universal
Who gives a flip whether people think badly about you, why should it mattr if you do what is best for your child?  Who even cares in America where some forms of birth control last longer than marriages?

It sounds like the man is a lousy husband and a great father.  It happens.  Iam more concerned that you guys didn't seek counseling on an individual or marital basis
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