I don't love my husband and my child

[MNBVC13]

I've been married for 5 years. My child is 3 years old now. 3 month after she was born I learned that my husband cheated on me with his Ex. I found a letter from Family court which stated that she filed for child support for her daughter who is only six month older than mine. It was my husband's child.. Which they conceived after we got married.
I was shocked, I felt like my life was destroyed. I didn't divorce my husband, because I had this baby to care for. Plus I have no family in the US, but my husband, so I nowhere to go. I felt depressed, and tried to commit suicide. It took me a year to get use too idea that my live will never be the same, and family that I have always dreamed of will never happened to me. I am all better now, but unfortunately I don't have any love left for my husband. I can't stand him, every time I look at him I see person who lied to me while promised to make me happy.  having sex with him is a night mare for me. And the worst thing of all, I don't love my child. I feel like I got trapped into this life because of her. Every time I look at her, all I can think of is that if I didn't have her I would be free from this man, who betrayed me and destroyed my marriage. She loves her father very much, they are the best friends in the whole world.
I really want to leave my husband, but if I do what should I do about my daughter? I don't want people around me think that I am a bed mother if I leave her too. But If I take her with me she will be devastated; her father is everything for her.
I am lost, and don't know what to do.

[teko]

Even thinking about committing suicide over a man in my opinion is insane. I can understand the pain you are feeling but hey! Get a life! It took both of you to lay down and conceive that child and if it is anyones fault it is certainly not the childs. How about a mistake in judgemnt on your part?  If you do not love your husband then take the child or dont take the child and leave for cryin out loud, in case you hadnt noticed you are in America. You only have yourself to blame if you cannot succeed, but blaming a child for your torn relationship is silly. Thank your lucky stars you found out what kind of a man he is now rather than when your too old to start over and make a good life for yourself.

[RockRose]

MNB - I think you should give real thought to leaving,  and leaving your daughter with the parent who loves her.

Other people discovering that you don't love your daughter is such a miniscule point in this whole sad picture - anyone who knows you well already knows this,  so their opinion of what kind of a mother you are won't change much.

Her concept of relationships,  and her self-worth,  and her place in the world is being formed right now - and has been for the last three years.  Her mother looks at her every day with resentment and wishes she were never born - she will not grow into a functioning woman in that kind of an environment.  

Her dad does love her,  and she loves him,  and is warm and caring with her,  and under his nurturing eye,  she feels good about herself.

What he did was wrong,  what you are doing to your little daughter is 1000 times worse in my opinion.

[Agiesmom]

I agree with RR--you should leave your husband and leave your daughter with her father.  You will do more damage to her being around her feeling the way you do about her than you would being absent from her life.  Maybe your husband's mother or sister or some other positive, loving, nurturing woman can somehow fill a bit of the void of not having a loving mother in her life.  But if you stay, you will do a lot more damage being around her while feeling the way you do about her--no matter how wonderful your husband is to her or how loving and adoring her grandma or aunt are, you will destroy all that--all she'll want to do is get you to love her.  She deserves better than that.

[kjbandme]

I think you cannot love even yourself right now. You must remove yourself from the situation.  I believe you love your daughter and yourself but you've been so mistreated that it is buried. Being an immigrant can be a cold experience and I'm sorry that people on this forum are not more sensitive!!

Take time to do whatever you need to do to heal your heart and leave your daughter with her dad for a while. Then decide what to do about your whole situation.

[MNBVC13]

Thank you for your respond.
You are absolutely right I can't love myself right now. Its killing me just to think that I have thoughts about not loving my child. I was so happy when she was born, I was waiting for that moment with such excitement. Those 3 month were the happiest in my life. I had everything I ever wanted and dreamed of. Then everything changed. I don't have many friends so I have no one to talk to so I keep all my feelings to myself. I really don't want to be that mother who abandoned her child.  I hope I will figure out what I have to do in the near future.

[katarina777]

Give it some time, and forgive yourself. Don't hate yourself. How much this must hurt you!! You have an awful lot of courage to speak your truth here. And I believe as long as you speak the truth, and it really helps to speak it out loud,
there is hope for your recovery. I believe in you already for that reason. I know you feel terribly stuck and it seems like things will never change. they may not change in any way you can envision, but they will change in ways you cannot. Kat

[KATE535]

I have had experience within my wider-family of a mum who suffered depression. She felt she was a bad person and she didn't feel love for anyone - she was just numb by her illness. I think you may be suffering from a form of depression because of the pain this has brought you. The months after having a baby are very tender - for mum as well as baby - for something as horrible as this to have happened to you at this sensitive time - when your emotions are up and down, I am not surprised you became negative to all around you. Unfortulately this occurred around your child too and she has got caught up in it.
Yes you shouldn't ever feel you need to forgive your husband as he his a cheating scumbag ultimately, but I think you can find it within yourself, when you've left him and you no longer have to think about what he did by looking at him everyday, to love your child. She will only ever love you, unlike him - a liar, a cheat, a looser. She is **Worth So Much More than him**. Keep your pain and hate towards him seperate from your feelings for your daughter and you too will feel for her in different ways than him. All good feelings!!
I think you may be depressed, so your emotions are flat and numb.
You will heal - without him - with your daughter - when you are ready for her.
There is nothing wrong with leaving them temporarily to get your self better. Then go to her.
Really wish you well !! Your husband can Rot...
x

[MNBVC13]

Thank you all for your advice and support.
Telling the truth, I thought about leaving him for a while. I thought, maybe I feel that way because he is there all the time, and when I leave him everything will change. I am just afraid to live my daughter. What if I come back for her, and my husband won't let me take her?

[RockRose]

If you leave and then much later come back for her,  you probably don't stand much of a chance in the courts - although your daughter might  want to know you and interact with you.

I think the advise about depression was probably good - can you get help for clinical depression?

[AnnaE]

Your husband is a jerk. He is likely only manipulating the child to hurt you. Wht would he be a good parent, if he cannot work on his marriage. I would not leave a child with a person who betrayed her mother. I think you are depressed and confused. Please seek couseling that is positive. Possibly may take more than one try. Also seek a supprt group and a parenting group, so that you can realize how a child needs a dependable parent.

[SeriousSam]

With the thoughts you say you are having leave her and try to get joint custody with him as the primary.  To often parents who are depressed or suicidal try killing the child too when they are feeling down.  your child desrves better than yhat.

[SeriousSam]

Who gives a flip whether people think badly about you, why should it mattr if you do what is best for your child?  Who even cares in America where some forms of birth control last longer than marriages?

It sounds like the man is a lousy husband and a great father.  It happens.  Iam more concerned that you guys didn't seek counseling on an individual or marital basis

[MNBVC13]

I talked to my husband about counseling, unfortunately, he thinks it's a waste of time. And for some reason he thinks that whatever I do We have to do it together, It's like he is taking over my life, when my daughter was small, I would go at night to change her diaper, or feed her; he would come with me, stand there and watch. We grocery shop together, if I have to go to the post office he is there, my friends stopped inviting me over because He'd would come even if it "girls night" only. That is his way of helping I guess. At first it didn't seems bed, but now, I can't get away from him.
See, I don' work, so I don't have my own money, he comes everywhere with me to pay for whatever I buy. Sometimes, I have to justify why I buying something, he tells me what kind food is better, what drinks to buy, and so on. I've been on my own since 18, and did very well without help. He makes me feel like I'm 3 years old. In order to get some space I put my daughter into a day care, and decided to start school, he can't follow me there. So, he stopped working I lost DSS coverage for the day care because didn't have proof of income. My daughter had to stop going to the DC and my husband stays home with her. His explanation for his actions is that my child deserves better than leaving her with a strangers. I keep telling him that it has to stop, but he doesn't listen to me, or doesn't want to listen.
I guess When I wrote that I don't love her, I was really upset. Sometimes,  things get overwhelming and I feel like run away. The only reason I still with him is my daughter,  I see how much she loves him, and because I was raised by a single mother, I want her to have what I didn't. I can always find a man for myself, but no man in the world will love my daughter as much as her dad does.
Now when I writing, I see that a lot of my problems comes from me, and my inability to do something to change my life. I don't know where I went  wrong. Maybe it was my mistake when I decided to stay and try to safe something that couldn't be saved.

[mami1323]

She can still have her dad without the two of you being together.  You can do joint custody, just because your relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you both can't be the best parents to your child.  When Sam mentioned counseling it means together, not just individual.  Although, I do think individual is necessary as well, but you need to go to couples counseling to work on your issues as a couple. If you feel that there is no point in salvaging the relationship then you both need to discuss what you want to do when it comes to your daughter.  

[MNBVC13]

I even asked him if maybe we can send our daughter to my mother for a while, and try to work things out between us, but he want even consider.  Certainly, I will get some sort of therapy for myself,  maybe It will help me to see the way to fix my life with minimum negative consequences for  my child.

[mami1323]

I don't think it will help if you send her away.  Resolving your issues as a family has to be done that way.  You can work on the two of you without having it effect your daughter if you both are mature and willing to think of how best to solve the situation without completely uprooting her life.  Children are all about consistency, you can't just take her out of the environment she is used to.  You are parents first and foremost so her needs are just as important.  But you both can not be good parents without getting your lives together first.  

[Luckejem]

I understand what you are going through but from my own experience, my advice would be to find a way in where you can find yourself, in a life without your husband. Also, your daughter has nothing to do with his discretions, and she is a part of you. It appears however, that your husband is taking advantage of you knowing you may feel alone in this world, and now is time that you prove him wrong. Trust me, when I tell you you can be happy on your own and you don't need a man in your life who has lied to you or who cannot be trusted. I was in a relationship for 18 years with a man who cheated, lied, stiole from and mentally and physically abused him. One night, I packed the kids and left in the middle of the night. Saved money and stood in shelters until i got my own place, started going to the gym and got a new and better job.. and little by little started a new life. Never went back and stood my ground, five years later, I am married to this great guy who wants the same things as I do. But one thing I do know for sure, I had to take the first step, by myself and on my own... it was scary but I did it, and now one could take that away from me. Good luck...      

[katarina777]

Great comment, and so fitting at this time and place. You have my respect! kat

[MNBVC13]

Thank you
I think, you are right, I just have to face the truth and act, and stop complainig about my problems. What's done is done, I have to think of my daugther and myself now. Its our life and it's my responsibility to make it better.
I have a lot of respect for you.

[AnnaE]

Yes. You should make sure that your daughter has visits her father, if you decide to leave. However, I am really confused about his taking care of her and supervising your every move. How does he treat his other baby, by his first wife? Does any of his behavior have to do with your being from another country? Maybe he needs education on the fact that you are OK.

I think that family therapy, no matter what is in oder here, to try to establish order in upir lives--sensible order, that takes regard for everyone. Make sure the counselor is right for you. If you disagree with a counselor, speak up. Your lives and happiness are the concern.

I do not reccommend that your daughter is sent away. She would be in unfamiliar circumstances, during a stressful time. Children as young as your daughter can develop depression under these circumstances, if they do not feel supported and cared for. I am sure that you care for her..

Your daughter

[SeriousSam]

Custody if you have tried to commit suicide, your husband seems to be the primary care provider from what you said...  I'd try for something other than primary custody.

So get a job, go to counseling together and they will probably reccomend individual counseling for you.

good luck.

[MNBVC13]

my husband and his Ex never been married. I met him after they had broken up for a year or so. Well he doesn't visit his other child, I don't think he cares much for her and I believe, he seen her maybe 3 times since she was born, and only in court, when His Ex would bring her there.

was under impression that she is glad that my marriage isn't going well. She knew that he is married and didn't care. She said once, that she got what she always wanted from him: a support and a child. " And thats how its done in America" she said. I don't like to talk about it much.
God see everything, he will judge

[MNBVC13]

I think, I've got the picture, It doesn't meter what I do, I will pay fool price for my and theirs mistakes.

[katarina777]

No, MNBVC13, try not to think and feel like that. About the suicide, it's a typical 'man thing' to say. It's a typical 'man thing' to use against you. Don't let him use that against you. You must believe that you are and can and will be able to be a competent mother even if you were depressed to a point that you tried to kill yourself. Depression is not a permanent diagnosis. If anyone should have felt worthless and depressed, it should be your husband. but you did so instead.

He was wrong, and you have nothing to apologize for. Everyone makes mistakes.