I have a boyfriend but in love with another man

[chloee21]

I've been dating my current boyfriend for almost two years now, but I think I might have fallen in love with someone else.

These 2 years with my boyfriend has been a long-distance relationship.  We are a 45-minutes flight away. We whatspp everyday, viber occasionally and meet in person once or twice a month for a weekend each. I would say that things were going well during this time and he is a sweet boy. I must admit I am quite insecure about the distance and would check his phone without his knowledge when we meet. On 2 occasions, I discovered that he was flirting (with slight sexual content) with one same girl. I confronted him on both times and after the second time, he really changed and did not flirt with other girls. I know because I still check...

I felt that he got quite comfortable in the relationship as time passes. Taking it as a natural stage of a relationship, I did not give much thought about it. I know that he loves me and he is a sweet boy. Our future seems stable. Although we are apart, we made plans for the future. They may be thoughts and plans but I know it's something at least. It seems that I will move to where he will be but I am not sure whether it is what I really want. I just know that if I want us to work, I am willing to move.

End August, I happened to meet this guy at work, X  I knew if I know X better, it would be trouble. We had to meet to talk due to work and he did just that. I was not attracted but I enjoyed speaking to him. One evening, he asked me out for ice cream. We went out and had a good chat on personal and work stuff. I could tell him anything and everything, even stuff I couldn't tell my boyfriend. And I looped my boyfriend in a couple of times. We began to meet very frequently to a point that we will sneak out for lunch alone or have drinks/dinner after work. He is very different from my boyfriend and myself in terms of character - frank, direct, fabulous listener and share feelings freely. Our conversations flowed easily. He was very attentive to my needs and would obtain them for me without me asking for it. Even if I reject, he would insist. It felt like I am being taken care of and being led in a long long time.

It became obvious X liked me, and when he asked me about it, I couldn't lie to him although I was very hesitant, saying that I have a boyfriend. I was not willing to let my boyfriend go. X and I continued to meet each other every single day for the next 2 months before we had to seperate for 2 weeks. He had a business trip while I have to go on a holiday with my boyfriend. He hoped to continue the relationship after returning home. While X was away, we maintained contact through whatsapp and viber.  He wrote long notes for me for the next 2 weeks. I was very excited whenever we speak. He knew he would be a better boyfriend for me and told me he would be able to fulfill my needs for a long good time.

When I returned, I knew that I have to make a decision. Perhaps I was fresh from my vacation with my boyfriend and that I don't want to drag X along anymore, I told him that I choose my boyfriend. He was torn and naturally respected my decision. It was not an easy decision and I questioned my decision every single day. I started to initate contact with X on whatsapp too although he started to distant himself. We met to pass each to other soveniors and it went out of control. We kissed and hugged for hours. I saw his on his face when I left and I told myself that this was the look that I would love to see for a long time to come.

I didn't want to quit my current boyfriend because we had been dating for a while, and I know he loves me a lot. I remembered how I felt about him, and couldn't bring myself to dump him because I didn't want to hurt him. He knows about X and he started treat me more romance and care. He wants to forgive me for being close to X than I should and move on with our lives, as a couple. The fact that he wanted to forgive me really said a lot about him as a person, so I couldn't refuse the offer. But I felt like I had fallen in love with X and although I am confused as hell now, I dare not make a decision.

I have been feeling absolutely terrible about X. I kept reading his notes, looking at his photos and listening to songs that remind me of him. I still don't feel much for my boyfriend except regret for hurting him so much.  On the other hand, I don't want to give up such a valuable relationship so easily.  The relationship has been great and I have good memories.  Perhaps the feelings for my boyfriend will come back?  But I know now that I have fallen in love with X, and I can't do anything about it!  What should I do?

[AnnieBrooke]

My sister was with a guy for fifteen years.  They stopped having sex at the 10-year mark.  For the last five years they were together, she didn't want to break it off because she had been with him for ten years.  Then eleven.  Then twelve.  Then thirteen.  Then fourteen.  You get the point.  She finally said, "I know, you're asking 'what's going to happen when I say I don't want to break it off because we've been together 20 years?  or 30?"  

If you're not happy or fulfilled, anniversaries don't matter, unless you are using them as a way of counting how stupid you were to hang out in a relationship that unfulfilling. Let him go to the festivals and meet someone new.  Do the same yourself.  But don't lead him on any more, it's simply not kind.

[chloee21]

Dear all,

Thank you for the time to type out the above advice to me. I appreciate each and every single word.

I know that it is time for me to take a step back and re-look at my own life and priorities. As many of you said, what I am doing now is simply not fair to either of them. Part of the reason why I am hesitant to break up with my boyfriend is because I know he is planning for meeting up during the festive period and our second anniversary in Feb. Yes, I know many of you will be cringing now at how I am leading him on to do more for me in the months to come, which is absolutely unfair. I am thinking that I should take a chance at it again and see whether we can work things out BUT yes, I may be deceiving myself, and him.

I will take a good look at this relationship and with Mr X again.

Thank you for all the advice and I really appreciate any new ones to come.

[nursegirl6572]

Ditto ditto ditto to all of the above posts!  

I agree with severing BOTH relationships and being by yourself for a while.  Relationships that are built on deceit and lies and mistrust (Mr. "X") aren't wise ones to pursue, and it's obvious that the relationship with the BF has run its course.  Like others have said, your BF is more a "security" thing, like an insurance policy, than a relationship.  The right thing to do is to let the BF go, none of this is fair to him.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

[RockRose]

Hmm.  A couple things.

People who choose long term long distance relationships do that because that's what they want to have.  Someone kind of in a cabinet,   a relationship that they can take out and enjoy occasionally but then put it back in its cabinet and close the door.

Second,  I'm also uncomfortable with how you describe X.  You speak about him in kind of magical terms - very unrealistic.   Reading it seems like a fairy tale way to describe a person.

I don't think either will work out in the long term.  And a third thing - I'm uncomfortable with a man who wants to have a relationship with you for a "long time".  What????  A  man in love wants a relationship forever,  and a man who is just starting out in a relationship doesn't yet quantify how long term he wants it.

Why would a guy tell you upfront he wants you for long while and then I guess intends to leave?

[TTinKKerBBell]

In the very beginning of Your post You found boyfriend "was flirting (with slight sexual content) with one same girl"  You confronted Him and He no longer does this.  You know this 'cuz You "check His phone without His knowledge"

I think You ought break off with Both of them and rethink Your own behaviors

[specialmom]

Sounds to me like you need to immediately break up with the boyfriend.  The title of your post told me as much.  Not fair to him.  No matter what bad things you felt about him like he got complacent, etc.---  he doesn't deserve to be kept on a leash while behind his back you are 'falling' with another man,

Just know this about love.  it's like any other emotion--  no better or worse.  It's not smart to make it the sole basis for relationships..  As you've seen with your boyfriend, it can come and go.  You pick someone you have a solid base with, that you enjoy, like, have things in common with, etc.  You have to use your head in choosing a partner and not let feelings of love dictate who you are with alone.  You can love many people and picking the right person is really critical for making relationships last a lifetime.  

Anyway, it is true as said above, that sadly, a relationship that starts through cheating often doesn't last.  Right from the get go, you've set up a scenario in which you have one character issues--- someone (him) willing to be with another man's woman and someone who is willing to go behind someone's back (you) as well as trust issues.  HE how knows (this new guy) the truth which is if you  aren't happy ----  rather than work on it, be honest with your partner if it is over and end it properly--  you WiLL just find someone else.  Not a great message or foundation to start a relationship on.  That's why relationships that start like this fail around 98 percent of the time.  

What you've done is not nice.  Please don't use the excuse that you are too nice to continue it, okay?  I am not condemning you because lots of people cheat.  Now you just must clean up this mess.

My best advice though is to break up and date NO ONE for a period of time so that you don't feel like you go from one man to another every time.  That is a trap that women often fall into and then they make bad choices on who to be with.  good luck

[Londres70]

Well.....You've been with your bf for almost 2 years and you know how he is, but this Mr X person you've known for less time and you've not seen all the sides of this person.  

Sounds like your bf is a decent person and is willing to work on the problems in the relationship.  Mr X is simply a distraction for you and he is giving you loads of attention.  Says a lot about his character when he is choosing to get involved with a woman who has a bf.  Mr X is something "new and exciting," but given how the relationship between you and Mr X started it won't be a lasting and stable one.......that's my prediction.

If you are extremely confused about the bf, Mr X, etc., then you shouldn't proceed any further with this bf as that isn't fair to him and sort your feelings out on your own for a bit.  You've not mentioned "love" at all in regards to this bf and I don't think it is "love" you are feeling for Mr X......I think you are infatuated with him.  

"I remembered how I felt about him, and couldn't bring myself to dump him because I didn't want to hurt him"............You don't think you've already done that?  Him finding out about this other guy isn't hurtful?

[AnnieBrooke]

A relationship that begins by sneaking around (even on a long-distance relationship) is not the most secure relationship ... if X has any sense, somewhere in his heart he is wondering if you would sneak around on him if the two of you were in a committed relationship, since you are on your present boyfriend.  You say you're insecure and check up on your boyfriend, well, look to your own behavior; X should be insecure about you.  That said, it doesn't sound like the two of you took it very far, despite the emotional intensity, and that the restraint was because you were in a relationship (even if long-distance).  So perhaps the sneaking around is not entirely a deal breaker.  At the least, however, you should take it as a wake-up call.  If you and your boyfriend were nuts about each other, you would not be in a different town and sneaking around.

Long-distance relationships don't take much true commitment.  It's easy to be charming once a day online, you can ignore all the less charming parts of your personality and your life, and just show the sweet facets of you.  I don't think your years long-distance with the other guy indicate a very deep relationship or one that is very excited about the future.  A real love relationship is going to go through tough times -- bills need to be paid, the car breaks down, he hates your family, babies are hard to take care of --- the future holds issues.  If a couple is not crazy in love, they don't have very much to keep them together and work things out when they go through challenges.  You aren't that interested in your long-distance boyfriend; you're bored with him and only keeping him around because he is a solid citizen and "valuable."  That's not very fair to him or actually very honorable of you, even separate from the issue of X.  He should have a girlfriend who is totally in love with him, especially if he is a nice guy and good catch.  The better a person is, the more he deserves someone who loves him like crazy.  I would say this even if X were not in the picture; you are almost like holding on to him as an insurance policy, a bit like marrying someone for his money, and you don't want to go there.  There is not a lot of success in marriages where the woman knew up front she found her husband boring, and it is dishonest of her to marry where she is not much in love.

My suggestion is to break it off with your boyfriend.  Let him find a girl who is absolutely head over heels about him and not ho-hum about his existence and only holding on to him because he looks solid.  Then, just wait and see.  If you and X are intended to have a meaningful relationship, it will roll naturally.  But take it slow; a lot of X's allure might be due to the contrast to your dull boyfriend.  In other words, he (X) might not be the one either.  Enjoy yourself, but be thoughtful.  In retrospect, you might see your relationship with X as something you pulled into your life just so you would make up your mind about your boyfriend, and not a forever thing.