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I want a baby, Boyfriend doesn't
Im 23, my boyfriend is 19. I have wanted a child since i was 16 years old. My last relationship was 6 years and we were trying to conceive but realized that we weren't compatible with eachother anymore. This took a large toll on me and my desire for children. I have been with my current boyfriend for 7 months and I am completely certain that he is the one i am going to be with for the rest of my life. I want to start having children now but because he's only 19, he feels he's too young. i understand where he is coming from and i dont want to get in his way of having a young life but at the same time, what about my dreams? he says that in 2 years he is going to marry me, then we can talk about kids. by then i'll be 25. what if it takes 2 years to get pregnant? then that puts me at 27 having my first kid when i've always said that i want to have my first child by the time im 25. and i want to have 2 kids around 3 years apart in age. so if i have my first kid at 27, my second wont be till 30. i REALLY dont want to be 30 and still trying to have kids. now, i guess this is the price i pay for having a younger boyfriend but am i wrong for wanting this? and to top it all off, pretty much all my close friends from school are already married with at least one child, some with 2 or another on the way. also, our roommate is pregnant as well making thing REALLY tough on my emotions. its extremely hard to watch her bring baby clothes and toys and such into the house and not cry in front of her. im not sure what to do. any advice?
he's only 19. he's just a kid. he's not even old enough to drink yet. let him live his life and have fun before pressuring him for a baby. my dh and i (he's 25 i'm almost there) didn't even mention kids until we'd been together for 2 years. (we've been together 5 married for 2) and didn't start to try until we'd been together for 3 years. granted we got both of our boys in one shot but we were older. we'd done all the living we wanted to. (as far as partying, weekends drinking, dancing and all that)
if you really want kids now and he doesn't...find another boyfriend who is ready. just don't push it on him or he'll end up resenting you and not being happy.
if you really want kids now and he doesn't...find another boyfriend who is ready. just don't push it on him or he'll end up resenting you and not being happy.
COMMUNITY LEADER
So what kind of job do you have? What kind of job does he have? Has he completed his education? Do either of you have health insurance? If you have this child, who will work? Where will you live? Who will babysit the baby while you work? Are you aware of the costs involved in raising a baby?
I ask these questions because your post leaves me with the distinct feeling you have not really thought this through. I may be wrong and I"m only trying to help.
But children are a huge responibility. I really wanted kids too. But I waited until I met a man first . . . not tried to meet a man to have children. I waited until I met a compatible person to be with. We both had degrees, jobs, assets and maturity. We had similar goals for our lives. We got married. After a few years of marriage to make sure we were completely solid, we began trying for that baby I always wanted. I've got two kids now and yes, it is wonderful. But it would have been very hard if I had speeded throught he process just to get them.
Just as you found you were incompatible with your last boyfriend . . . you may find that to be the case with this one. You should date and make sure he is the one. Then get married. Then be a couple for a while and then . . . consider having a baby.
This is only my opinion . .. but I do feel strongly about it. Good luck with whatever you decide.
I ask these questions because your post leaves me with the distinct feeling you have not really thought this through. I may be wrong and I"m only trying to help.
But children are a huge responibility. I really wanted kids too. But I waited until I met a man first . . . not tried to meet a man to have children. I waited until I met a compatible person to be with. We both had degrees, jobs, assets and maturity. We had similar goals for our lives. We got married. After a few years of marriage to make sure we were completely solid, we began trying for that baby I always wanted. I've got two kids now and yes, it is wonderful. But it would have been very hard if I had speeded throught he process just to get them.
Just as you found you were incompatible with your last boyfriend . . . you may find that to be the case with this one. You should date and make sure he is the one. Then get married. Then be a couple for a while and then . . . consider having a baby.
This is only my opinion . .. but I do feel strongly about it. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Babies are plenty of fun when you're over 25, you are not obliged to match your friends' schedules. Don't try to foist your entire baby dreamworld onto your boyfriend. A 19-year-old is still a boy. Let him be a boy. His remarks to you sound eminently reasonable, and frankly, I'd be surprised if all your pressure doesn't have him sort of wishing he weren't around. Please lighten up on this or you'll lose a lot.
I, too, was very anxious to have kids. I understand where you're coming from, I really do. BUT---- like specialmom said, it sounds like you may not have thought this completely through. He is still a teenager, and you can't blame him for not being ready. Also, 7 months together is not that long. Too soon to be talking babies, i think! Plus, you mentioned a roommate... probably not an ideal living situation for having a baby. You should work on your relationship (with him, or not), your education/job/career; preparing for your future; a house, place to live, etc. THEN it will be time to have a baby. I did have a baby at 20, I was still in college. We got married, I finihsed college, but it was very challenging. Now, four kids later, we are still struggling to provide the home we want for our kids because we got off to a rough start. And 30 is not so old! ;) The average age to get married is 27, so you've got plenty of time, hun! Please consider the advice of us older, wiser ladies.
Keep in mind its not that your boyfriend doesn't ever want to have children, just not right now. He is only 19 and its totally reasonable of him to want to wait, he's being sensible. It is also totally reasonable for you to want to have children, you just have to compromise. Things don't work out always how we expect, and you can't schedule your life to a T so thinking "I want to have my first baby by the time I'm 25, I want to have my second three years later and I don't want to be trying for babies when I'm 30" is unrealistic.
You were with your other boyfriend a very long time, and I'm sure at 7 months you expected to be with him for the rest of your life, or you wouldn't of tried to have kids. Bare in mind that emotions change, people change, and even though you expect to be with him forever, that might not be the case. In fact, if you pressure him to have kids when he's explained he's not ready, then you'll probably end up disrupting the relationship, maybe even pushing him away.
It sounds like he is compromising and being very sensible by saying you will marry in around 2 years, and once you have tied the knot you can start talking about having kids. Remember it isn't a race, your friends have kids, good for them, but there is no time frame you have to have children. You have plenty of time to have kids and rushing it will only spoil things. At least this way, you have a minimum of 2 whole years to get yourself ready (job, money, situation etc). Also, before the 2 years is up he may even change his mind.
It must be very upsetting for you as you've wanted children for so long, but waiting a little longer wont help. Don't think of it like it will never happen, because it will, just when the time is right. Let your boyfriend (and you) enjoy freedom for a little longer before you both commit to something that will be your responsibility for at least 18 years. Enjoy the romantic side of the relationship and the perks of being young.
You were with your other boyfriend a very long time, and I'm sure at 7 months you expected to be with him for the rest of your life, or you wouldn't of tried to have kids. Bare in mind that emotions change, people change, and even though you expect to be with him forever, that might not be the case. In fact, if you pressure him to have kids when he's explained he's not ready, then you'll probably end up disrupting the relationship, maybe even pushing him away.
It sounds like he is compromising and being very sensible by saying you will marry in around 2 years, and once you have tied the knot you can start talking about having kids. Remember it isn't a race, your friends have kids, good for them, but there is no time frame you have to have children. You have plenty of time to have kids and rushing it will only spoil things. At least this way, you have a minimum of 2 whole years to get yourself ready (job, money, situation etc). Also, before the 2 years is up he may even change his mind.
It must be very upsetting for you as you've wanted children for so long, but waiting a little longer wont help. Don't think of it like it will never happen, because it will, just when the time is right. Let your boyfriend (and you) enjoy freedom for a little longer before you both commit to something that will be your responsibility for at least 18 years. Enjoy the romantic side of the relationship and the perks of being young.
Hi Leah: You've already gotten very good advice. Please wait. You still have a lot of living to do before you're ready to raise a baby.
Babies are 24/7. There is no time off, no sick leave. They are a huge responsibility. And if you mess up raising your child, you've messed up the most important job of your life. So wait until you're sure your relationship is steady. Wait until your husband wants a baby as much you do. Wait until your career affords you the money and insurance you will need.
Good luck to you. And please, for your own sake, listen to what everyone else is telling you. We just want the best for you and any children in your future.
Sara
Babies are 24/7. There is no time off, no sick leave. They are a huge responsibility. And if you mess up raising your child, you've messed up the most important job of your life. So wait until you're sure your relationship is steady. Wait until your husband wants a baby as much you do. Wait until your career affords you the money and insurance you will need.
Good luck to you. And please, for your own sake, listen to what everyone else is telling you. We just want the best for you and any children in your future.
Sara
Don't push your boyfriend, or he most likely will end up resenting you. He's just not ready yet. If you REALLY want kids soon, then you need to find a guy who is ready and willing. Your boyfriend just isn't ready yet, and I don't blame him. I'm 20 and my boyfriend would like to have kids pretty soon, but I'm not ready for that. I want to finish my degree first and he knows that and is willing to wait. He'll compromise for me because he wants to be with me and we can have our family later on in a few years. It's a lot of money and work to have a baby and it has to be well thought through. I wouldn't make a rash decision on something so life changing. Take your time with this and make sure BOTH of you are ready.
I give a 19 year old male a whole lot of credit for realizing that he's not ready to be a father... before producing them. So, wait 2 years until he's ready for marriage... and children. At your age, 2 years is not a long time to wait to put off having kids, especially if it's with that special someone with whom you're going to "be with for the rest of [your] life."
I totally agree with iam1butterfly, and I wonder why this guy isn't running fast and far from this situation.
Leah, 19 is WAY TOO YOUNG to be a father. He knows it, and hopefully you won't somehow trick him into conception by pretending to use contraception.
Motherhood is worth waiting for, until you have a full grown man who is your husband, and not a little 19 year old boy that you're dating.
I have a 19 year old son, and I would about put a bullet through my head if there was some 23 year old woman he was having sex with who was trying to get pregnant.
Really, he's too young and he's very smart to know it. Believe him when he says he doesn't want to be a father.
Leah, 19 is WAY TOO YOUNG to be a father. He knows it, and hopefully you won't somehow trick him into conception by pretending to use contraception.
Motherhood is worth waiting for, until you have a full grown man who is your husband, and not a little 19 year old boy that you're dating.
I have a 19 year old son, and I would about put a bullet through my head if there was some 23 year old woman he was having sex with who was trying to get pregnant.
Really, he's too young and he's very smart to know it. Believe him when he says he doesn't want to be a father.
*sigh* rockrose my mom just went through that with my brother and he's 21. his g/f who is turning 18, dropped out of high school...claimed to be on the nuvaring...wasn't. he now has a 4 month old son with an ex gf.
Very good advice from everyone! If you wind up pregnant now (or before he's ready) you may find yourself a single mom,so please don't pressure. Let things fall where they may. Relationships are about compromise, you can't have it your own way all the time, and neither can he. Having a baby is a HUGE responsibility!! Specialmom raised some very good questions and they are very much all a part of having a baby. Daycare here in TX is on average $90 to $150 a week. For newborns, you can pretty much guarantee the $150 rate. The older they get, the cheaper it gets. Babies need formula, diapers, regular visits to the Dr., clothing, a crib, etc. None of that stuff is cheap!
In the meantime, go to your OBGYN and have him/her run tests to make sure your uterus is intact so you will know ahead of time whether or not you might run into complications so you can prepare now, rather than when it's time to actually get pregnant.
In the meantime, go to your OBGYN and have him/her run tests to make sure your uterus is intact so you will know ahead of time whether or not you might run into complications so you can prepare now, rather than when it's time to actually get pregnant.
Oh my...well, the above advice says it all, but I have to throw in my advice.
I just can't honestly believe that after seven months, you are certain this is the person you'll spend the rest of your life with. There is still so much you have to learn about each other, not to mention that he's 19 so I can guarantee you that by the time he's 25, he'll be an entirely different person than who you know now. Just refer back to your past 6 year relationship--I'm sure at one point, you *knew* you'd be spending the rest of your life with that partner because you were trying to have a child with him. And just think if you had...you'd be a single mother now, and eventually down the road, your child would be part of a split family, and although that's sadly the norm now, it's not ideal for a child.
Secondly, you make no mention of your current living situation, or education. If you have a child, will you be able to afford it on your own? Or will you absolutely need to have another income from the child's father to support a child? If you can't do this *on your own,* don't do it! I hate to say this, but in MANY cases, you just can't trust a 19 to mid 20's young man to stick around and contribute time and money towards raising a child outside of marriage. It's easy to bail out if he doesn't feel ready.
I got pregnant at 19 and had my first son at age 20, while I was still in college, and my son's father and I had been together since we were 15. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and at that point he was a high school drop out, no job, and no desire to get into college. For some crazy reason, I believed for all those years and two years afterwards that we would be spending the rest of our lives together as wll. We tried to make it work until our son was two years old and then it all fell apart, he moved back to our home state of CO and left us in AL. He's been there ever since, and he's been almost completely uninvolved in our son's life, and I've had to fight tooth and nail to get child support from him in the meager amount of $147/month. My son's daycare costs me $150/week and I work full time to support the other 90% of what it takes to financially raise our child, so thank God I got a college education to have a job that pays well enough to do that.
I recently got married to a really wonderful man that I dated for two years before getting married. I also ended up with another unplanned pregnancy before we got married, so we now have a four month old son, and he has basically adopted my five year old son. I would have liked to believe that after we dated for seven months that I knew I'd be spending the rest of my life with him, but that was totally unrealistic. After a year and a half together, we agreed that we wanted to marry, but didn't actually plan to do so until another couple years down the road because he wanted to graduate college first. Our pregnancy wasn't really what sped up the process, but it was a wake-up call in that one way or the other, we were together forever, so we went ahead and got married while we could still enjoy a wedding without having to worry so much about it a couple years down the road with two kids and budgeting finances for a wedding. We share a wonderful life together, but we do struggle to make ends meet.
As for my first son's father, he's suddenly decided he wants to be a part of the picture again and he seems to be making some decent changes and progress in re-establishing the relationship with his son. But it took five years--meaning that between those ages of 19-25, he has matured and now he has decided to care. He doesn't seem to be the arrogant hotheaded a-hole that he once was; he's settled down and married and has an 11 year old stepdaughter now. However, the way this all worked out, or didn't work out, between us has never been ideal for our son, as I'm sure you can see why. It's caused a lot of confusion and heartbreak in his short little five years of life.
Just one last thing before I wrap this up. I also wanted to have children when I was 16, although I never did try to conceive (lol, I have two kids and I've never tried to conceive, they just happened). Then once I had my first son at the ripe old age of 20, I was overwhelmed with responsibility, fatigue, and almost no freedom for a life that I really would have liked to pursue. But I also didn't want to have another kid like, 10 years down the road and have two children that far apart. I really wanted to have another kid by 25, but didn't stress too much about it because life is just life, and it'll happen no matter what you do, and it almost never goes the way you want it to go. Oddly enough, I got my next kid at age 25. I used to think, I want to have three kids by the age of 30. Now, I'm be happy if I can just manage to keep my head on straight and remember where I put my car keys, and remember that I was looking for them in the first place once I enter another room to seek them out, lol. I don't think we could handle three kids right now; we're barely making it paycheck to paycheck and daycare drains our budget.
And I still don't have much freedom or "me" time. As a hobby/outlet, I do taekwondo and I'm having to face the fact that I'll probably lose my black belt and get demoted back to red belt because I don't have enough time to go to all the classes I need to test for my next black belt level. I worked really hard before my second pregnancy to get that black belt, then couldn't really enjoy it because I was pregnant, and now I just don't have the time to put into keeping it. I could've gone to class today, but instead was taking my sick infant to the doctor.
So to sum this all up--don't make a timeline for yourself. It's not worth it because you'll never get exactly what you planned to have. Just live your life, enjoy what you've got, and give yourself some time to make sure that things will work out as close to how you'd like them to be as possible.
I just can't honestly believe that after seven months, you are certain this is the person you'll spend the rest of your life with. There is still so much you have to learn about each other, not to mention that he's 19 so I can guarantee you that by the time he's 25, he'll be an entirely different person than who you know now. Just refer back to your past 6 year relationship--I'm sure at one point, you *knew* you'd be spending the rest of your life with that partner because you were trying to have a child with him. And just think if you had...you'd be a single mother now, and eventually down the road, your child would be part of a split family, and although that's sadly the norm now, it's not ideal for a child.
Secondly, you make no mention of your current living situation, or education. If you have a child, will you be able to afford it on your own? Or will you absolutely need to have another income from the child's father to support a child? If you can't do this *on your own,* don't do it! I hate to say this, but in MANY cases, you just can't trust a 19 to mid 20's young man to stick around and contribute time and money towards raising a child outside of marriage. It's easy to bail out if he doesn't feel ready.
I got pregnant at 19 and had my first son at age 20, while I was still in college, and my son's father and I had been together since we were 15. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and at that point he was a high school drop out, no job, and no desire to get into college. For some crazy reason, I believed for all those years and two years afterwards that we would be spending the rest of our lives together as wll. We tried to make it work until our son was two years old and then it all fell apart, he moved back to our home state of CO and left us in AL. He's been there ever since, and he's been almost completely uninvolved in our son's life, and I've had to fight tooth and nail to get child support from him in the meager amount of $147/month. My son's daycare costs me $150/week and I work full time to support the other 90% of what it takes to financially raise our child, so thank God I got a college education to have a job that pays well enough to do that.
I recently got married to a really wonderful man that I dated for two years before getting married. I also ended up with another unplanned pregnancy before we got married, so we now have a four month old son, and he has basically adopted my five year old son. I would have liked to believe that after we dated for seven months that I knew I'd be spending the rest of my life with him, but that was totally unrealistic. After a year and a half together, we agreed that we wanted to marry, but didn't actually plan to do so until another couple years down the road because he wanted to graduate college first. Our pregnancy wasn't really what sped up the process, but it was a wake-up call in that one way or the other, we were together forever, so we went ahead and got married while we could still enjoy a wedding without having to worry so much about it a couple years down the road with two kids and budgeting finances for a wedding. We share a wonderful life together, but we do struggle to make ends meet.
As for my first son's father, he's suddenly decided he wants to be a part of the picture again and he seems to be making some decent changes and progress in re-establishing the relationship with his son. But it took five years--meaning that between those ages of 19-25, he has matured and now he has decided to care. He doesn't seem to be the arrogant hotheaded a-hole that he once was; he's settled down and married and has an 11 year old stepdaughter now. However, the way this all worked out, or didn't work out, between us has never been ideal for our son, as I'm sure you can see why. It's caused a lot of confusion and heartbreak in his short little five years of life.
Just one last thing before I wrap this up. I also wanted to have children when I was 16, although I never did try to conceive (lol, I have two kids and I've never tried to conceive, they just happened). Then once I had my first son at the ripe old age of 20, I was overwhelmed with responsibility, fatigue, and almost no freedom for a life that I really would have liked to pursue. But I also didn't want to have another kid like, 10 years down the road and have two children that far apart. I really wanted to have another kid by 25, but didn't stress too much about it because life is just life, and it'll happen no matter what you do, and it almost never goes the way you want it to go. Oddly enough, I got my next kid at age 25. I used to think, I want to have three kids by the age of 30. Now, I'm be happy if I can just manage to keep my head on straight and remember where I put my car keys, and remember that I was looking for them in the first place once I enter another room to seek them out, lol. I don't think we could handle three kids right now; we're barely making it paycheck to paycheck and daycare drains our budget.
And I still don't have much freedom or "me" time. As a hobby/outlet, I do taekwondo and I'm having to face the fact that I'll probably lose my black belt and get demoted back to red belt because I don't have enough time to go to all the classes I need to test for my next black belt level. I worked really hard before my second pregnancy to get that black belt, then couldn't really enjoy it because I was pregnant, and now I just don't have the time to put into keeping it. I could've gone to class today, but instead was taking my sick infant to the doctor.
So to sum this all up--don't make a timeline for yourself. It's not worth it because you'll never get exactly what you planned to have. Just live your life, enjoy what you've got, and give yourself some time to make sure that things will work out as close to how you'd like them to be as possible.
Babies are so adorable arent they? When you get pregnant, you get morning sickness, you get stretch marks, then when they are born they are so cute and within a week of being up all night, with no sleep you are cranky and tired but baby still needs round the clock care. They need diapers, bottles, formula or breast milk, they grow and need shots and they get colic and they cry alot and then when you think you are over that, they start teething. You start to have dreams of how it used to be when you had freedom to do things on friday nights and wonder where the money is going to come from to get you thru another week. If you are married or with someone, the tension and the tiredness causes arguments and now you will start wondering what in the world have you done. Your man is not old enough to be a father and my hat is off to him for it. He has not even begun to live life yet and the thought of being saddled with all that responsibility at his age is frightening. You must convince your body clock to slow down until things are more stable. Trust me, you really do not want to go down that road until you preferably are married with a good income and have the ability to raise the child. Why you may ask? Because it is simply in the best interest of the child. They are not dolls, they are people and deserve the best possible start in life. Parenting is the single one most important job a woman can ever do. It helps to be as prepared as one can be because it is also the hardest. And it does not stop at 5pm. And once you become a parent you are a parent for the rest of your life.
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