Im suicidal.my husband calls me bad names and says he doesn't love me. please help?

[girl198]

thank you for reading and answering

im 24,my husband is 30
together nearly 4 years, married less than a 1 year

whenever he gets angry,

he calls me bi tch, ****, ***** etc
says he does not love me
says he wants to divorce me
says he will do what he wants and does not care if im sad or happy

and he gets angry at least once a month. it was like this before marriage too.but i married him coz i loved him very much and everytime i tell him to be good he said he will be good.. he is very good and loving when not angry. what can i do? divorce is not an option as i live in an asian country... once you are married, you are married.
will counseling help? if so, how should i approach that subject with him? whats the best way? im very glad for any answers.. i want to know how i should talk with him about going to counseling....
thank you

[girl198]

i will talk with the doctor 2moro about this problem. im taking a printout of this question with me. i will ask him if he can recommend those medications as my husband rejects counselling and forgets the anger management.

any thing i do to remind him about the steps of anger management when he is getting mad would just make him say "f u c*k off you bi~tch you can teach me"

if i left, he will try to get me back i guess. and there will be a lot of drama among our relatives. divorce is a very "bad thing" here. think about this dear, i work at a place where there are about 800 workers. and none is divorced. so you get the picture :)

[specialmom]

Oh  my goodness, can I come and get you out of there?  The problem is you are an intelligent, sincere and sensative woman and know what a life with this man as he is would be like.  

As far as not remembering the steps of not getting angry-----  of course he isn't going to right away.  He is set in  his pattern.  The idea is to learn new things.  Ask him what you can do when he is getting angry to help him remember the steps of not attacking when he is mad.  Everyone will get mad and frustrated with their spouse----  but the way he handles his anger is the problem.  ASK HIM what you should do to have him remember the healthy way of handling it.

A selective seratoning medication would help him, I think.  I don't know if the drugs have different names in your country ----  lexapro, prozac, zoloft, paxil, effexor, etc.  are drugs here.  All would help him.  (maybe you too).

Serious question, what would  happen if you left?  

[girl198]

i feel very sad. the therapist told me, these are not the problems people face, there are women who get hit by their husbands daily ! yes, thats true but this is a big problem to me.
(in these countries even when the husband beats the wife, they stay, they never think about leaving. coz once you are divorced then you cant find a partner)


im going to a psychiatrist on saturday. lets see if he can understand

[girl198]

if there are some medications, please let me know....

[girl198]

i will walk away when he becomes abusing when we talk. it didnt happen after december 20th, up to now.
he is not likely to walk away because he does not remember those ways to handle anger when he is angry.
if i print and give the email he wont read it. i ve tried to get him to read his texts (which he sents to me) but he just becomes angry.

he is under a lot of stress because of his job. and he is very moody.

if there is any medication, i think that will be great.because he refuses counselling and forgets the anger management techniques when angry.

and i got the book through amazon today.

and im not going to the counselling again... she just says me to be strong and try to change him.and she says it might even take 40 years!!! she tells me, when he scolds me, i shall think in my mind " you dog". thats her solution !!

she does not understand the emotional pain i feel because of this. in these countries this is not taken as a serious issue....

[specialmom]

Well, flat out ----  your husbands behavior two posts above is unacceptable.  I would print his email and hand it to him when he returns.  Tell him he can't do that again.  If he does, you are going to give the emails to his father and brother.  

Your therapist is giving you information to use-----  your husband is going to have to learn discipline and control.  HE will forget as he is learning new behavior.  Tell him as he is escalating-----  remember to count to 10, remember to breath.  

I gave some suggestions early on too-----  the walk and don't talk rule.  He must just stop talking as he is getting angry.  You say no more to him for the time being and he says no more to you until he cools off.  You can simply say----  "lets take a break and cool down" before he blows.  

And yes, by accepting his behavior and going right back to normal----  it tells him it is okay to act this way.  You need to think about what you can do that isn't passive aggressive to say enough.  "still angry?"  NO.  "okay, well your behavior was unacceptable and we need to talk about why you escalated and how we can stop this."  Don't just move on.  

Medication . . . well is he moody and depressed.  Depression can be at low levels called dysthymia.  Add a little anxiety into the mix and you have a man who flares up.  So I'd see if a doctor would prescribe a selective seratonin agent for him if they feel he has depression or anxiety symptoms.  

Print off that email and SHOW him his words.  I'd even tape record him and let him hear himself.  If he gets mad, it is just because he is embarressed.  But he is a little worse than I originally thought as he is SO nasty to you at times.  

MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE.  and take care.