Aa
Father Figure/Daughter Relationship
Without going into too much detail i have a man in my life that i look up to and respect as a father. I grew up without a good father figure. My dad wasn't around much when i was younger and he passed away when i was 12. I didn't have much of a dad after that, homeless, foster homes, etc.. I found a group of people recently that i admire and trust will all my heart. I have gone through something traumatic recently and this man and i have gotten alot closer. He holds me, hugs me all the time and jumps in bed and cuddles me. He like to hold me and comfort me. I look at him as a father and i truly love him, is it odd that i feel this way and he cuddles with me like this? Nothing sexual at all has ever happened between us, i just like to be next to him and snuggle up close to him. He initiated all of this btw, obviously i'm not used to human contact... advice please :D
"How do I walk away from the only family I've ever known? They've been the only ones in my life to show me love and comfort. They took me in when I most needed it. It's a hard realization for me to come to to be told to walk away from them. For a reason that I can't seem to understand.".......In your initial post you talked about being close to the husband and really didn't make any reference to his wife. Now you are stating this is your family? This isn't your family dear. These people took you in because you needed help. I don't think they consider you family, but someone who is/was in need.
"This relationship i've developed with this man has grown, if there is a way to stop the physical aspect and continue to know him, would that be wrong too?"..........Again, NO mention of his wife or "family," but this MARRIED man.
Then you mentioned in one of your posts....."As you put it i can see how this is just a cry for help on my part through him. I think you're right on so many levels and i am just so in need of love and attention that i'm getting it wherever i can."...........This is WHY you need to get out of their home and also because you are a GROWN woman and no one is responsible for taking care of you. I am sure this living arrangement is supposed to be temporary and you need to find other living arrangements.
Just because you consider them "family" doesn't mean you have to live in their home. You are a grown woman and need to find your own place and take care of yourself independently.
You can try to paint this as "family" and such, but this isn't. It's some warped idea of family in your head.
God help you if his wife finds out what you and her husband have been/are doing.
"This relationship i've developed with this man has grown, if there is a way to stop the physical aspect and continue to know him, would that be wrong too?"..........Again, NO mention of his wife or "family," but this MARRIED man.
Then you mentioned in one of your posts....."As you put it i can see how this is just a cry for help on my part through him. I think you're right on so many levels and i am just so in need of love and attention that i'm getting it wherever i can."...........This is WHY you need to get out of their home and also because you are a GROWN woman and no one is responsible for taking care of you. I am sure this living arrangement is supposed to be temporary and you need to find other living arrangements.
Just because you consider them "family" doesn't mean you have to live in their home. You are a grown woman and need to find your own place and take care of yourself independently.
You can try to paint this as "family" and such, but this isn't. It's some warped idea of family in your head.
God help you if his wife finds out what you and her husband have been/are doing.
Ditto ditto ditto to the above posts.
Your thinking is completely messed up. You're trying to find a way that this is OK, that these people are your "support system", that's simply NOT true. Thats the fantasy you've created to make this okay.
And I agree with SM completely that using your past as an excuse for behaving in a way that is clearly wrong isn't okay. I understand you have issues to work through, but that doesn't mean you are justified in continuing on with this secretive cuddling going on right under this woman's nose. It's just so disrespectful, especially considering that this woman opened her home to you. I'm sure you've heard the term "don't bite the hand that feeds you"? That's precisely what you're doing when it comes to his wife.
NO "what if", or "but how about" question you pose is going to justify you continuing what you're doing. I understand you're working toward getting out of their home, and that's good, do whatever you can to make that happen ASAP, and in the meantime, cease all appropriate contact with the husband.
Bottom line is, this just isn't okay, you're NOT 100% a victim here, especially because you CLEARLY had your doubts to begin with, because you posted here...and yet you're still trying to make it right in your mind. NOT good.
I hope you get out, and soon.
Your thinking is completely messed up. You're trying to find a way that this is OK, that these people are your "support system", that's simply NOT true. Thats the fantasy you've created to make this okay.
And I agree with SM completely that using your past as an excuse for behaving in a way that is clearly wrong isn't okay. I understand you have issues to work through, but that doesn't mean you are justified in continuing on with this secretive cuddling going on right under this woman's nose. It's just so disrespectful, especially considering that this woman opened her home to you. I'm sure you've heard the term "don't bite the hand that feeds you"? That's precisely what you're doing when it comes to his wife.
NO "what if", or "but how about" question you pose is going to justify you continuing what you're doing. I understand you're working toward getting out of their home, and that's good, do whatever you can to make that happen ASAP, and in the meantime, cease all appropriate contact with the husband.
Bottom line is, this just isn't okay, you're NOT 100% a victim here, especially because you CLEARLY had your doubts to begin with, because you posted here...and yet you're still trying to make it right in your mind. NOT good.
I hope you get out, and soon.
Anything done in secret behind the wifes back is inappropriate.. On some level you must realize this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
And I will add that I do not condone using our past hurts as an excuse to hurt others later in our life. That is what you are basically doing and it isn't right. good luck
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well dear, how are you showing this woman love and comfort? By snuggling with her husband? This is unhealthy and at this point, you are A. using them and B. being used by him.
It's not running away. Tell the wife what her husband has been doing. She will agree that you should be out of her home.
I'm being really honest with you. What you are doing isn't right. You are NOT a young girl being molested by an uncle here. You are a willing participant in something that is outrageously hurtful to a woman that has been good to you.
Continuing to take advantage of her kindness for your own selfish needs (IE: the comfort of her husband) is just wrong. And a strong look in the mirror may help you understand that.
I'm not sure what else to tell you. We can be victims our entire life but at some point it does become a choice.
It's not running away. Tell the wife what her husband has been doing. She will agree that you should be out of her home.
I'm being really honest with you. What you are doing isn't right. You are NOT a young girl being molested by an uncle here. You are a willing participant in something that is outrageously hurtful to a woman that has been good to you.
Continuing to take advantage of her kindness for your own selfish needs (IE: the comfort of her husband) is just wrong. And a strong look in the mirror may help you understand that.
I'm not sure what else to tell you. We can be victims our entire life but at some point it does become a choice.
How do I walk away from the only family I've ever known? They've been the only ones in my life to show me love and comfort. They took me in when I most needed it. It's a hard realization for me to come to to be told to walk away from them. For a reason that I can't seem to understand.
I've been seeking out therapy and have been looking at getting myself better situated. I just can't see leaving them and running away like I always do.
I've been seeking out therapy and have been looking at getting myself better situated. I just can't see leaving them and running away like I always do.
How do I walk away from the only family I've ever known? They've been the only ones in my life to show me love and comfort. They took me in when I most needed it. It's a hard realization for me to come to to be told to walk away from them. For a reason that I can't seem to understand.
I've been seeking out therapy and have been looking at getting myself better situated. I just can't see leaving them and running away like I always do.
I've been seeking out therapy and have been looking at getting myself better situated. I just can't see leaving them and running away like I always do.
I couldn't agree more with the above posters. You've really gotten some amazing advice. I encourage you to read it, read it again, and then read it some more.
I agree that your thought processes about relationships and about what's acceptable and normal and what isn't are way off. A lot of that has to do with the very unfortunate situations you found yourself in in the past (which I'm sorry about), HOWEVER, you don't have to continue living out that legacy. YOU can take the power back and learn to make newer, healthier choices, and I agree that you need some intensive professional help...to assist you in changing your thinking. Your thinking is damaged, YOU'RE not.
This man you're so desperately craving attention from is a predator, plain and simple. It's VERY cut and dry, like Londres and the others said, if it weren't for the "secret" aspect of the physical contact, then maybe you would have a point. He's taking advantage of you, because you're down and out, and because you've been abused. He's not "helping you" but rather he's "helping himself TO you" if you can understand that.
Priority one is to get OUT of their home and into a safe and healthy living environment, even if it's a women's shelter. Your role models for now need to be women, because you cannot safely and appropriately navigate your way through relationships with men, romantic or not. Your thinking is very skewed and that needs to change (again, the professional will help you with that).
You're so desperately trying to find a way that this is okay. You're probably telling yourself, "HOW do these people on the internet think what they do about this man? They're not IN the situation, they don't know." Sweetie, you've provided enough information that ANYONE reading this would come to the same conclusion we have. I would guarantee that not ONE person would see it any differently than we have, besides you. The person who needs to see it for what it is is YOU.
Even IF he truly truly had no sexual motives (which I don't agree with at all), he's putting you in an awful situation, by being dishonest and causing a situation that may put you smack dab in the middle of a HUGE blow out with him and his wife and members of this "group". That in itself is WRONG.
Trust me, this won't end well. YOU will be the "bad guy" no matter what. I would guess that this man is VERY manipulative and probably has a WHOLE bunch of people fooled. Don't let yourself be fooled too. The very last thing you need to become a target of people who are going to back him up in a heartbeat, who will characterize you in all SORTS of horrid and terrible ways. You will be pegged as a home wrecker, loose (to put it kindly), and your character will be destroyed, and sadly, AGAIN you will find yourself in the "victim" role, which you continue to allow yourself to live out. You need to change that cycle. STOP being a victim, and stop putting yourself in situations where you could easily become a victim again. That's going to take time and a lot of work with a good therapist.
That being said, PLEASE don't think you can "discuss" your way through this with this man, his wife, or anyone in the group. Trying to do so will have disastrous results for you, for the reasons I listed above. I would STRONGLY recommend that you find a place to go, and leave quietly, with a simple "thank you" and then cease all contact with him, his wife and anyone in their "group". The LAST thing you want to do is to explain to ANYONE engaged with this man WHY you're leaving. That would be like throwing yourself on a fire. You know what you need to know, and trust me, you're NOT going to convince a soul who knows him what was going on.
You deserve a lot better than attention from a man who obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart. Until you find yourself in a better place, you'd be better off keeping ALL men at arm's length, because right now, you're just NOT capable of understanding the dynamics of relationships with men, be it romantic or otherwise.
I wish you the very best, please keep us updated. We all want to see you better yourself and your life, and leave this terribly unhealthy situation in the dust.
I agree that your thought processes about relationships and about what's acceptable and normal and what isn't are way off. A lot of that has to do with the very unfortunate situations you found yourself in in the past (which I'm sorry about), HOWEVER, you don't have to continue living out that legacy. YOU can take the power back and learn to make newer, healthier choices, and I agree that you need some intensive professional help...to assist you in changing your thinking. Your thinking is damaged, YOU'RE not.
This man you're so desperately craving attention from is a predator, plain and simple. It's VERY cut and dry, like Londres and the others said, if it weren't for the "secret" aspect of the physical contact, then maybe you would have a point. He's taking advantage of you, because you're down and out, and because you've been abused. He's not "helping you" but rather he's "helping himself TO you" if you can understand that.
Priority one is to get OUT of their home and into a safe and healthy living environment, even if it's a women's shelter. Your role models for now need to be women, because you cannot safely and appropriately navigate your way through relationships with men, romantic or not. Your thinking is very skewed and that needs to change (again, the professional will help you with that).
You're so desperately trying to find a way that this is okay. You're probably telling yourself, "HOW do these people on the internet think what they do about this man? They're not IN the situation, they don't know." Sweetie, you've provided enough information that ANYONE reading this would come to the same conclusion we have. I would guarantee that not ONE person would see it any differently than we have, besides you. The person who needs to see it for what it is is YOU.
Even IF he truly truly had no sexual motives (which I don't agree with at all), he's putting you in an awful situation, by being dishonest and causing a situation that may put you smack dab in the middle of a HUGE blow out with him and his wife and members of this "group". That in itself is WRONG.
Trust me, this won't end well. YOU will be the "bad guy" no matter what. I would guess that this man is VERY manipulative and probably has a WHOLE bunch of people fooled. Don't let yourself be fooled too. The very last thing you need to become a target of people who are going to back him up in a heartbeat, who will characterize you in all SORTS of horrid and terrible ways. You will be pegged as a home wrecker, loose (to put it kindly), and your character will be destroyed, and sadly, AGAIN you will find yourself in the "victim" role, which you continue to allow yourself to live out. You need to change that cycle. STOP being a victim, and stop putting yourself in situations where you could easily become a victim again. That's going to take time and a lot of work with a good therapist.
That being said, PLEASE don't think you can "discuss" your way through this with this man, his wife, or anyone in the group. Trying to do so will have disastrous results for you, for the reasons I listed above. I would STRONGLY recommend that you find a place to go, and leave quietly, with a simple "thank you" and then cease all contact with him, his wife and anyone in their "group". The LAST thing you want to do is to explain to ANYONE engaged with this man WHY you're leaving. That would be like throwing yourself on a fire. You know what you need to know, and trust me, you're NOT going to convince a soul who knows him what was going on.
You deserve a lot better than attention from a man who obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart. Until you find yourself in a better place, you'd be better off keeping ALL men at arm's length, because right now, you're just NOT capable of understanding the dynamics of relationships with men, be it romantic or otherwise.
I wish you the very best, please keep us updated. We all want to see you better yourself and your life, and leave this terribly unhealthy situation in the dust.
I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time growing up. I hope that you will get some professional help to work your way through this. And hopefully you'll find someplace else to live really soon. This isn't a healthy environment for you.
I'm also sorry to hear this guy turned out to be a creep. Not everyone is a creep, but a married dude who cuddles and kisses you behind his wife's back is always bad news. Always always.
I'm also sorry to hear this guy turned out to be a creep. Not everyone is a creep, but a married dude who cuddles and kisses you behind his wife's back is always bad news. Always always.
Asher. Your view of life and relationships and people and men is so twisted that you shouldn't trust your judgement at this point in your life.
I'm sorry you've had such awful experiences - but your twisted viewpoint at this point isn't based in reality.
This man who keeps trying to cuddle you in bed and kiss you will eventually force sex on you.
I'm sorry you've had such awful experiences - but your twisted viewpoint at this point isn't based in reality.
This man who keeps trying to cuddle you in bed and kiss you will eventually force sex on you.
You've had some excellent, insightful advice here from many, I won't add to that but I take note in Your last post that You
"are having a hard time accepting the fact that He is wanting something
sexual out of all this"
I take note in Your FIRST post You said: He jumps in Your bed and cuddles You.
I ask You - does His Wife know He does this?? and if She does not - well then it's because She too would think He is being sexual.
If this was innocent He would do all His hugging and holding and cuddling in the presence of His Wife and He would NOT jump in Your bed.
"are having a hard time accepting the fact that He is wanting something
sexual out of all this"
I take note in Your FIRST post You said: He jumps in Your bed and cuddles You.
I ask You - does His Wife know He does this?? and if She does not - well then it's because She too would think He is being sexual.
If this was innocent He would do all His hugging and holding and cuddling in the presence of His Wife and He would NOT jump in Your bed.
"I guess i'm having a hard time accepting the fact that he wants something sexual out of all of this. I know i've had some things happen in my past that would suggest i need the wrong kind of attention and that this seems normal but why would conclusions be drawn so rapidly on the sexual side?"............Why do you think he is asking you to keep all the one-on-one activity between you and him a "secret?" If you have a hard time accepting that he is wanting sex out of this than just tell his wife your secret and you will see everything crystal clear. A man telling a woman who isn't his wife to keep a secret or secrets from his wife isn't honorable at all and isn't anything good for you. You aren't telling the wife because you know you wouldn't be staying there if she found out.
Secondly, You've been through a lot of horrible experiences which is very unfortunate. It seems your judgement is impaired and you are continuing to make poor choices. You aren't really able to problem solve in a rational/healthy manner. Until you get therapy on board you will continue to make poor choice after poor choice. Perhaps that is why you can't see the situation with this married man what it truly is.
I lived long enough (older than you) to when a man wants something sexual and believe me this woman's husband is up to no good.
They helped you, you got back on your feet and now it's time to leave their home.
Secondly, You've been through a lot of horrible experiences which is very unfortunate. It seems your judgement is impaired and you are continuing to make poor choices. You aren't really able to problem solve in a rational/healthy manner. Until you get therapy on board you will continue to make poor choice after poor choice. Perhaps that is why you can't see the situation with this married man what it truly is.
I lived long enough (older than you) to when a man wants something sexual and believe me this woman's husband is up to no good.
They helped you, you got back on your feet and now it's time to leave their home.
I was about to post something short and sweet, direct and to the point in drawing attention to this man and wife. Until I saw this:
"I was molested when i was really young before my mother and father died by an uncle, but he did it in a way that never seemed like he was hurting me, it never was traumatic. Then i was taken advantage of by a boy in the foster home i was living in for several months until i ran away. I've had to do some unspeakable things to stay alive while being homeless and to get myself out of situations. But just recently i was trying to solve a problem and got mixed up with some bad people. They beat me, drugged, me and the four of them raped me for hours upon end. So i came crawling back to this home that has taken me in and into the arms of this man who is the only man i feel i can trust right now."
I come from a very traumatic event filled childhood starting at 5 years old, extending well into my teenage years. I hear stories of experiences very similar to this all of the time in my group survivors meetings. The best thing for you to do is gets some professional guidance from a clinician comfortable dealing with childhood sexual abuse issues.
It took me until my 43rd year to change the behaviors/decision making skills I had to use simply to make it through. You may not feel as if your previous sexual abuse at your uncle's had was traumatic but it would be unusual for a childhood sex abuse survivor to NOT develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and decision making processes.
You might be best served with help from someone who specializes in this sort of thing. I did. I was not "crazy" and I did not have to take medicines or be put in a hospital. But it is not easy.
I did a lot of things when I was younger that were negative to myself and other people I loved and seriously I would do them without thinking. My critical brain developing years were spent learning from my seriously dysfunctional mother and step-father (who I was raised to believe was my real father.. this was my sexual abuser)
I agree that if you are NOT talking to the wife, you are the one being untrustworthy. You should ask her what her feelings/thinking is. Just because you trust this group or this man, does not mean that they deserve your trust.
I am no specialist in this area but I don't mind talking.
"I was molested when i was really young before my mother and father died by an uncle, but he did it in a way that never seemed like he was hurting me, it never was traumatic. Then i was taken advantage of by a boy in the foster home i was living in for several months until i ran away. I've had to do some unspeakable things to stay alive while being homeless and to get myself out of situations. But just recently i was trying to solve a problem and got mixed up with some bad people. They beat me, drugged, me and the four of them raped me for hours upon end. So i came crawling back to this home that has taken me in and into the arms of this man who is the only man i feel i can trust right now."
I come from a very traumatic event filled childhood starting at 5 years old, extending well into my teenage years. I hear stories of experiences very similar to this all of the time in my group survivors meetings. The best thing for you to do is gets some professional guidance from a clinician comfortable dealing with childhood sexual abuse issues.
It took me until my 43rd year to change the behaviors/decision making skills I had to use simply to make it through. You may not feel as if your previous sexual abuse at your uncle's had was traumatic but it would be unusual for a childhood sex abuse survivor to NOT develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and decision making processes.
You might be best served with help from someone who specializes in this sort of thing. I did. I was not "crazy" and I did not have to take medicines or be put in a hospital. But it is not easy.
I did a lot of things when I was younger that were negative to myself and other people I loved and seriously I would do them without thinking. My critical brain developing years were spent learning from my seriously dysfunctional mother and step-father (who I was raised to believe was my real father.. this was my sexual abuser)
I agree that if you are NOT talking to the wife, you are the one being untrustworthy. You should ask her what her feelings/thinking is. Just because you trust this group or this man, does not mean that they deserve your trust.
I am no specialist in this area but I don't mind talking.
I guess i'm having a hard time accepting the fact that he wants something sexual out of all of this. I know i've had some things happen in my past that would suggest i need the wrong kind of attention and that this seems normal but why would conclusions be drawn so rapidly on the sexual side?
I was molested when i was really young before my mother and father died by an uncle, but he did it in a way that never seemed like he was hurting me, it never was traumatic. Then i was taken advantage of by a boy in the foster home i was living in for several months until i ran away. I've had to do some unspeakable things to stay alive while being homeless and to get myself out of situations. But just recently i was trying to solve a problem and got mixed up with some bad people. They beat me, drugged, me and the four of them raped me for hours upon end. So i came crawling back to this home that has taken me in and into the arms of this man who is the only man i feel i can trust right now.
I was molested when i was really young before my mother and father died by an uncle, but he did it in a way that never seemed like he was hurting me, it never was traumatic. Then i was taken advantage of by a boy in the foster home i was living in for several months until i ran away. I've had to do some unspeakable things to stay alive while being homeless and to get myself out of situations. But just recently i was trying to solve a problem and got mixed up with some bad people. They beat me, drugged, me and the four of them raped me for hours upon end. So i came crawling back to this home that has taken me in and into the arms of this man who is the only man i feel i can trust right now.
Agree with RR about the living arrangements. It there any other solution other than living in your car? Shelters? A nice WOMAN co-worker who needs a roommate? Ask around.
100% agree with SM.
Sounds like this is this man's M.O.(Modus operandi)/schtick/gimmick. I think he has done this lots of times before you. Seeks out the vulnerable ones and makes them believe he is being helpful and that he is some sort of "father figure" then he HELPS himself. Predators can sniff out the weak ones easily. I liked it to a wolf who can detect prey miles away.
Perhaps part of the "trouble" they are having is this man brought a troubled woman into their home to live. Perhaps, just perhaps the wife is getting tired of these situations. If my husband did this I can tell you the young woman wouldn't be in our home long. This wife is a saint from the sounds of things. I wouldn't backstab her and pay her back by body pressing, kissing and cuddling with her husband and let's not forget keeping all this a "secret."
"I maybe worded it wrong. I had just had a discussion with him about seeing him as a father last week. I've known him longer so invited me to live with them. I've stayed out of their business just noticed some turbulence.".......No, you didn't word anything wrong dear. Doesn't matter what "discussion" you had with him and it doesn't matter what way you cut it he is NO "father figure." Father figures don't tell you to keep secrets and they sure don't do body presses, kisses and cuddle with you in bed. This is called something else, BUT definitely not someone being a "father figure."
I am not sure if you are just that naive and/or damaged by what happened to you in the past that makes you think and act like this, but you really need help ASAP. Sounds like you may have been molested in your foster homes and/or as a homeless person had to do some terrible things on the streets to survive.........that's my guess.
Again.......get out of their home and out of their/his life and get your own life and I recommend you do that ALONE AND WITH NO MAN involved. QUIT trying to belong to this group he belongs to.
I am glad you are looking into therapy.......you NEED it like yesterday.
Sounds like this is this man's M.O.(Modus operandi)/schtick/gimmick. I think he has done this lots of times before you. Seeks out the vulnerable ones and makes them believe he is being helpful and that he is some sort of "father figure" then he HELPS himself. Predators can sniff out the weak ones easily. I liked it to a wolf who can detect prey miles away.
Perhaps part of the "trouble" they are having is this man brought a troubled woman into their home to live. Perhaps, just perhaps the wife is getting tired of these situations. If my husband did this I can tell you the young woman wouldn't be in our home long. This wife is a saint from the sounds of things. I wouldn't backstab her and pay her back by body pressing, kissing and cuddling with her husband and let's not forget keeping all this a "secret."
"I maybe worded it wrong. I had just had a discussion with him about seeing him as a father last week. I've known him longer so invited me to live with them. I've stayed out of their business just noticed some turbulence.".......No, you didn't word anything wrong dear. Doesn't matter what "discussion" you had with him and it doesn't matter what way you cut it he is NO "father figure." Father figures don't tell you to keep secrets and they sure don't do body presses, kisses and cuddle with you in bed. This is called something else, BUT definitely not someone being a "father figure."
I am not sure if you are just that naive and/or damaged by what happened to you in the past that makes you think and act like this, but you really need help ASAP. Sounds like you may have been molested in your foster homes and/or as a homeless person had to do some terrible things on the streets to survive.........that's my guess.
Again.......get out of their home and out of their/his life and get your own life and I recommend you do that ALONE AND WITH NO MAN involved. QUIT trying to belong to this group he belongs to.
I am glad you are looking into therapy.......you NEED it like yesterday.
In my experience, this kind of relationship works when it's led by the woman in the couple and the man is more or less a secondary/shadow figure in the relationship.
I do know couples who have very open homes, and from time to time have young guests live there so they can get back on their feet. It's the woman leading, though, and doing the inviting, and its the woman who has the primary relationship.
This man is looking for some sex on the side, Asher. You can continue to seek older mentors, but make sure you seek mentors in the form of a woman and not a man.
And I don't know why you have to live in your car - that's a huge step backwards. Surely if you're working full time you can find some kind of roommate situation (with another woman or with several people sharing a house).
In your situation you really don't have a foundation of past success so you have so little to call on when you make these decisions. If you look around you, pick out women who ARE making things work and do what they do. Most young women wouldn't even consider living in a car - they'd seek other solutions that are more stable.
Best wishes - and prayers for your success. I do think you need to break off the hugging thing immediately - and you can even pretend to take some of the blame yourself. "I really don't think we should do this cuddling thing anymore, it's just not right to your wife. I appreciate living here and respect your wife and just think this isn't leading anywhere positive".
I do know couples who have very open homes, and from time to time have young guests live there so they can get back on their feet. It's the woman leading, though, and doing the inviting, and its the woman who has the primary relationship.
This man is looking for some sex on the side, Asher. You can continue to seek older mentors, but make sure you seek mentors in the form of a woman and not a man.
And I don't know why you have to live in your car - that's a huge step backwards. Surely if you're working full time you can find some kind of roommate situation (with another woman or with several people sharing a house).
In your situation you really don't have a foundation of past success so you have so little to call on when you make these decisions. If you look around you, pick out women who ARE making things work and do what they do. Most young women wouldn't even consider living in a car - they'd seek other solutions that are more stable.
Best wishes - and prayers for your success. I do think you need to break off the hugging thing immediately - and you can even pretend to take some of the blame yourself. "I really don't think we should do this cuddling thing anymore, it's just not right to your wife. I appreciate living here and respect your wife and just think this isn't leading anywhere positive".
As you put it i can see how this is just a cry for help on my part through him. I think you're right on so many levels and i am just so in need of love and attention that i'm getting it wherever i can. I've made great strides in improving my life and thought i had help here. I can live in my car again, now that i have a job and can save a little money here and there.
This relationship i've developed with this man has grown, if there is a way to stop the physical aspect and continue to know him, would that be wrong too?
This relationship i've developed with this man has grown, if there is a way to stop the physical aspect and continue to know him, would that be wrong too?
COMMUNITY LEADER
These posts are so hard for me to read AsherBlu. They come from a place of such unhealthy thinking.
First, this woman, his wife, ALSO brought you into her home out of the goodness of her heart to try and help you. She and her husband may or may not be having some difficulties but that gives you no right to have physical contact with her husband right under her nose. THINK about that. A woman has shown you kindness which it sounds like you've needed in your life time and you are pooping all over her. Where is your loyalty? The man is the one who would be cheating for sure and totally in the wrong but you are a willing participant and doing wrong while blaming your childhood for it. Just very faulty thinking and self destructive.
Second, you write as if you are a little girl about to be molested. You 'like' the attention, he makes you feel cared for, etc. etc. etc. It's very strange to me. You're not 12. You are a grown woman making poor choices. It's almost as if you are living out some type of sexual abuse you had as a child that damaged you so much that it makes you feel safe to have this kind of odd, NON ADULT relationship with a man. Snap out of it hon. For YOUR OWN SAKE. Run as fast as you can to a therapist to explore why you are interested in this type of on the sly, 'but it isn't sexual' cuddling in bed you are doing with this man. He's taking what he can get from you. And hear me clearly, it's sexual for him. And he'll take more if you give it.
And that kind of turns you on is troubling.
I hear ya. You had a bad childhood. And somebody paying attention to you feels good. You need to find that attention in appropriate places because that this situation appeals to you is a sign that you have such wounds that you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with Anyone until you address it with a professional therapist/psychologist.
If the men you date are more into things for sex with you--- stop having sex with them. take a break from dating and work on YOU.
Get yourself to the point of not needing to live with a couple in order to survive. Get grants, financial aid and do job training/ college in order to make a better life for YOURSELF.
Don't be the physical object that a man lusts for in his house and he gets to live it out due to your damaged need for attention. Don't do that to yourself or his wife.
Glad you have a therapist appointment.
Oh, and you need to move. This house feels safe to you? Obviously not safe at all. this man may be part of this group for the very reason of meeting vulnerable women like you (as you are most likely not his first midnight cuddle). If you are tempted by this---- MOVE OUT. good luck
First, this woman, his wife, ALSO brought you into her home out of the goodness of her heart to try and help you. She and her husband may or may not be having some difficulties but that gives you no right to have physical contact with her husband right under her nose. THINK about that. A woman has shown you kindness which it sounds like you've needed in your life time and you are pooping all over her. Where is your loyalty? The man is the one who would be cheating for sure and totally in the wrong but you are a willing participant and doing wrong while blaming your childhood for it. Just very faulty thinking and self destructive.
Second, you write as if you are a little girl about to be molested. You 'like' the attention, he makes you feel cared for, etc. etc. etc. It's very strange to me. You're not 12. You are a grown woman making poor choices. It's almost as if you are living out some type of sexual abuse you had as a child that damaged you so much that it makes you feel safe to have this kind of odd, NON ADULT relationship with a man. Snap out of it hon. For YOUR OWN SAKE. Run as fast as you can to a therapist to explore why you are interested in this type of on the sly, 'but it isn't sexual' cuddling in bed you are doing with this man. He's taking what he can get from you. And hear me clearly, it's sexual for him. And he'll take more if you give it.
And that kind of turns you on is troubling.
I hear ya. You had a bad childhood. And somebody paying attention to you feels good. You need to find that attention in appropriate places because that this situation appeals to you is a sign that you have such wounds that you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with Anyone until you address it with a professional therapist/psychologist.
If the men you date are more into things for sex with you--- stop having sex with them. take a break from dating and work on YOU.
Get yourself to the point of not needing to live with a couple in order to survive. Get grants, financial aid and do job training/ college in order to make a better life for YOURSELF.
Don't be the physical object that a man lusts for in his house and he gets to live it out due to your damaged need for attention. Don't do that to yourself or his wife.
Glad you have a therapist appointment.
Oh, and you need to move. This house feels safe to you? Obviously not safe at all. this man may be part of this group for the very reason of meeting vulnerable women like you (as you are most likely not his first midnight cuddle). If you are tempted by this---- MOVE OUT. good luck
I maybe worded it wrong. I had just had a discussion with him about seeing him as a father last week. I've known him longer so invited me to live with them. I've stayed out of their business just noticed some turbulence.
I'm set up to talk with a counselor. I'll try that avenue.
Why don't I want him to stop though ? I like the attention he gives me. I like how he makes me feel. But it's not sexual. I've got real boyfriend relationships but they're just one night stands here and there too.
I'm set up to talk with a counselor. I'll try that avenue.
Why don't I want him to stop though ? I like the attention he gives me. I like how he makes me feel. But it's not sexual. I've got real boyfriend relationships but they're just one night stands here and there too.
BTW: This is no "father figure/daughter" relationship. You are a grown woman living with a married couple who is/was down on your luck.
May I ask who invited you to come live in their home? The wife or the husband?
May I ask who invited you to come live in their home? The wife or the husband?
There are no organizations where you are that deal with people in your situation? You don't need to be there (in their home) especially if they are already having marital problems. It doesn't matter if he is trying to "fill a hole that his wife isn't providing" as that shouldn't be of any TOP concern of yours at this time. Your TOP concern should be you getting on your feet and getting out of there and ideally you should find an organization or organizations who deal with people in your situation to help you.
"I had nobody until i met these guys, now a silly too touchy man could ruin it all."....He isn't "ruining" anything. Dear, you took a chance moving into this couple's home. You are lucky worse hasn't happened to you. His behavior is less than ideal, and you are putting yourself in a terrible situation if you stay. I am sure he will be wanting sex in a matter of time.
You have no one else to turn to?
Nothing wrong with trying to get back on your feet, but you don't need this kind of trouble to add to the problems you already have. If his wife finds out you will be back out on the streets guaranteed. Until you can get out of there I would simply not make it easy for him to be with you alone.
Again, don't worry about their problems, their marriage and their life.......worry about getting out of their house and life ASAP. You are working, so move things along with finding you own place and then you really should attend therapy.
"I had nobody until i met these guys, now a silly too touchy man could ruin it all."....He isn't "ruining" anything. Dear, you took a chance moving into this couple's home. You are lucky worse hasn't happened to you. His behavior is less than ideal, and you are putting yourself in a terrible situation if you stay. I am sure he will be wanting sex in a matter of time.
You have no one else to turn to?
Nothing wrong with trying to get back on your feet, but you don't need this kind of trouble to add to the problems you already have. If his wife finds out you will be back out on the streets guaranteed. Until you can get out of there I would simply not make it easy for him to be with you alone.
Again, don't worry about their problems, their marriage and their life.......worry about getting out of their house and life ASAP. You are working, so move things along with finding you own place and then you really should attend therapy.
i can see that now, i'll have to make some choices with him and where i want to be in life. They have been helping me get back on my feet. Since i've known him and his wife i have been dating. I have had an on and off relationship with someone local that has been rough but i didnt think it was because of this.
They have been having troubles with their marriage lately. Do you think he's trying to fill a hole with me that his wife isn't providing?
I know im vulnerable and hurt, im lost and working on getting back together, i was broke, hurt, alone and out in the cold. I'm working now and trying to get back out on my own.
I realize i'm needy, but with what i just went through i needed someone there to get me back up and back to being healthy. This group he's in is a public service type group like police or fire department.
I had nobody until i met these guys, now a silly too touchy man could ruin it all.
They have been having troubles with their marriage lately. Do you think he's trying to fill a hole with me that his wife isn't providing?
I know im vulnerable and hurt, im lost and working on getting back together, i was broke, hurt, alone and out in the cold. I'm working now and trying to get back out on my own.
I realize i'm needy, but with what i just went through i needed someone there to get me back up and back to being healthy. This group he's in is a public service type group like police or fire department.
I had nobody until i met these guys, now a silly too touchy man could ruin it all.
Absolutely SM.
What exactly is this group?
AsherBlu..............well, let me say this. Why don't you talk to his wife about all this and see what she says as you stated you are close with her.
"Nothing sexual has happened as of yet, is it so wrong to have a friend to cuddle with?".......Ask his wife this IF you think there is nothing wrong with this.
Going behind his wife's back who is supposed to be your close friend letting her husband cuddle you, kiss you and hold you tight.......REALLY? Are you being her friend? Makes everything all the more convenient by living with them for you I suppose.
Anyways.............you have bigger fish to fry besides worrying about a married man's motives in regards to you and how to be in his life. You are 25 and need to find your way out of this couple's home and into your own place. You are way too needy and you are turning to the wrong people for "so called" help and guidance. In regards to a man, I am sure you can find a SINGLE guy to cuddle with. I mean..........how would you like it if someone was "cuddling" with your husband?
What exactly is this group?
AsherBlu..............well, let me say this. Why don't you talk to his wife about all this and see what she says as you stated you are close with her.
"Nothing sexual has happened as of yet, is it so wrong to have a friend to cuddle with?".......Ask his wife this IF you think there is nothing wrong with this.
Going behind his wife's back who is supposed to be your close friend letting her husband cuddle you, kiss you and hold you tight.......REALLY? Are you being her friend? Makes everything all the more convenient by living with them for you I suppose.
Anyways.............you have bigger fish to fry besides worrying about a married man's motives in regards to you and how to be in his life. You are 25 and need to find your way out of this couple's home and into your own place. You are way too needy and you are turning to the wrong people for "so called" help and guidance. In regards to a man, I am sure you can find a SINGLE guy to cuddle with. I mean..........how would you like it if someone was "cuddling" with your husband?
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