Aa
Is she a loser?
Good day,
I'm 25 years old, been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, we've had a pretty intense relationship, I have to travel a lot because of my work and sometimes we can be 1 or 2 months far away from each other, however, we share the apartment almost since we started the relationship, which makes us look like a married couple.
What I'm struggling with right now, is with the way she is. I'm an engineer with master's degree and working for a successful company, I grew up in Venezuela but seeked a scolarship in sweden and ended up living here by my own. I wanna have a successful career and build a solid relationship before taking the step of marriage. My girlfriend on the other hand, is the same age as me (25) but has abandoned already 2 careers because she couldn't handle it (first economy and then languages), her only friends are her sisters and her mom, who she calls every time she has a problem of any kind (even to kill a cockroach, not kidding). Right now she works as a cashier in a supermaket and that doesnt seem to really bother her (she talks about how she is going to start studying again, but so far i'm losing my hopes), she lacks a lot of common culture and knowledge (can't name the continents, doesnt know how to use a printer, etc) even though she had a normal education. She forgets every kind of task she has to do, and even though I have advised her to make a list with the things, she is too lazy to write it down. She sits all day in front of the TV watching reality shows when she's home alone or painting her nails, changing the color of her hair, etc, etc. It's like if all her expectations of life were to receive the payment at the end of the month and then count the days to receive the next. I hate to admit it and I have tried to deny it to myself but I think she's what they call a loser.
I dont want to make her look like a bad person, she is the sweetest girl on the world, everybody likes how she is, she's very friendly and good with kids, she loves me a lot and I also love her very much, she is a good girlfriend and always wants to make me happy, which I value and try to give back to her, our sex has never been something outstanding but is not bad either, and we try to please each other with anything we can.
I just really cant cope with this anymore, she's expecting me to propose soon and I just dont know if it's the right thing to do, she has made it clear that she wants to marry and have children before the 26's and I'm not ready for that.
I love her very much and it would be very hard for her and for me to break up after 3 years of such intensity. I have never even been close to betray her. I already know what the advice would be (break up with her), I just want to know if there's somebody with the experience, or knows someone, who actually got married with a woman/man like the one i'm describing, and if it finaly was worth it. I'm still young and maybe I dont realize yet that later in life professional success is not so important. I dont know.
Thank you very much for your attention,
Fede.
I'm 25 years old, been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, we've had a pretty intense relationship, I have to travel a lot because of my work and sometimes we can be 1 or 2 months far away from each other, however, we share the apartment almost since we started the relationship, which makes us look like a married couple.
What I'm struggling with right now, is with the way she is. I'm an engineer with master's degree and working for a successful company, I grew up in Venezuela but seeked a scolarship in sweden and ended up living here by my own. I wanna have a successful career and build a solid relationship before taking the step of marriage. My girlfriend on the other hand, is the same age as me (25) but has abandoned already 2 careers because she couldn't handle it (first economy and then languages), her only friends are her sisters and her mom, who she calls every time she has a problem of any kind (even to kill a cockroach, not kidding). Right now she works as a cashier in a supermaket and that doesnt seem to really bother her (she talks about how she is going to start studying again, but so far i'm losing my hopes), she lacks a lot of common culture and knowledge (can't name the continents, doesnt know how to use a printer, etc) even though she had a normal education. She forgets every kind of task she has to do, and even though I have advised her to make a list with the things, she is too lazy to write it down. She sits all day in front of the TV watching reality shows when she's home alone or painting her nails, changing the color of her hair, etc, etc. It's like if all her expectations of life were to receive the payment at the end of the month and then count the days to receive the next. I hate to admit it and I have tried to deny it to myself but I think she's what they call a loser.
I dont want to make her look like a bad person, she is the sweetest girl on the world, everybody likes how she is, she's very friendly and good with kids, she loves me a lot and I also love her very much, she is a good girlfriend and always wants to make me happy, which I value and try to give back to her, our sex has never been something outstanding but is not bad either, and we try to please each other with anything we can.
I just really cant cope with this anymore, she's expecting me to propose soon and I just dont know if it's the right thing to do, she has made it clear that she wants to marry and have children before the 26's and I'm not ready for that.
I love her very much and it would be very hard for her and for me to break up after 3 years of such intensity. I have never even been close to betray her. I already know what the advice would be (break up with her), I just want to know if there's somebody with the experience, or knows someone, who actually got married with a woman/man like the one i'm describing, and if it finaly was worth it. I'm still young and maybe I dont realize yet that later in life professional success is not so important. I dont know.
Thank you very much for your attention,
Fede.
Best Answer
Dear Specialmom..
Thank you very much for the input, I appreciate it and I guess fede will too :) is just happen this happen to me so I share with him for knowledge that yes is happen to someone else. And is worthy for me and Hubby. But will it end up the same to him, like I say I don't know.
I also know everyone has right to choose the best partner for long commitment is no kidding, bcos we going to be like 2in1 and I know exactly is really not easy. I glad fede has notice this I just think taking 3 years to notice is too long and not fair for the girl so if he not think of married her now then talk to her.. sharing.. let her know.. he loves her... she was the sweetest girl and Bla...Bla.. and he is smart if we call it that way since he can think so well what kind of partner he want to spend the rest of his life so don't he see the correct key after all... "COMMUNICATION"
Forgive me if I'm wrong specialmom you does mention you doing that during young time but I don't think you keep the man for few years then find another right, that's silly, and I know people doesn't change overnight but people does change... so if he honest about how he felt to her, she might willing to change who knows.. but thinking her as a loser is just to much for someone like him to say.
Thank you very much for the input, I appreciate it and I guess fede will too :) is just happen this happen to me so I share with him for knowledge that yes is happen to someone else. And is worthy for me and Hubby. But will it end up the same to him, like I say I don't know.
I also know everyone has right to choose the best partner for long commitment is no kidding, bcos we going to be like 2in1 and I know exactly is really not easy. I glad fede has notice this I just think taking 3 years to notice is too long and not fair for the girl so if he not think of married her now then talk to her.. sharing.. let her know.. he loves her... she was the sweetest girl and Bla...Bla.. and he is smart if we call it that way since he can think so well what kind of partner he want to spend the rest of his life so don't he see the correct key after all... "COMMUNICATION"
Forgive me if I'm wrong specialmom you does mention you doing that during young time but I don't think you keep the man for few years then find another right, that's silly, and I know people doesn't change overnight but people does change... so if he honest about how he felt to her, she might willing to change who knows.. but thinking her as a loser is just to much for someone like him to say.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi Rachel, I think the key is that your husband accepts you for who you are. He wasn't interested in an ambitious person and therefore, your other qualities made him happy. I think when someone is dating though and longing for it--- it is an important consideration for that person.
I could not have been with an unambitious man. Period. He wouldn't have been attractive to me. He wouldn't have grown on me. So if I noticed a lack of ambition early on, it would be in my best interest to break it off. Did it several times while in the dating process as a young woman.
This isn't saying that lacking ambition is bad---- this is saying that it doesn't match up to what the poster sees as attractive in a long term partner. I think it is cool he recognizes that as it shows great maturity.
And sadly, I don't feel love conquers all in any way shape or form. Love is just an emotion like any other. You need foundation to last.
But I AM glad you found someone to love you as you are. We all should make sure that our partner accepts us before committing long term to them. good luck
I could not have been with an unambitious man. Period. He wouldn't have been attractive to me. He wouldn't have grown on me. So if I noticed a lack of ambition early on, it would be in my best interest to break it off. Did it several times while in the dating process as a young woman.
This isn't saying that lacking ambition is bad---- this is saying that it doesn't match up to what the poster sees as attractive in a long term partner. I think it is cool he recognizes that as it shows great maturity.
And sadly, I don't feel love conquers all in any way shape or form. Love is just an emotion like any other. You need foundation to last.
But I AM glad you found someone to love you as you are. We all should make sure that our partner accepts us before committing long term to them. good luck
Thank you... I just can say woman like me maybe have some special things too or else why does this successful charming good looking man madly deeply in love to me :) I am lucky indeed..
I am recently just come back from visiting one of my friends in Australia, I know her from Bali lover page and we getting to know each other very well. After 2nd time meeting up with her in Bali I went to Australia and visit her..
At one moment I was scare bcos seriously I just know her less then a year and meet her only twice but I go anywhere.. yes she is not my lover just a friends but after the 10days visit I realize something very important things that I never think I will end up be different Rachel after I return.
The visit teach me that the period of time knowing someone is not warranty they will treat you well forever. Along the way things might change might not.. and this apply to every relationship I think...
I must be lucky enough to have married a very good man that can treat me the same like the 1st day he meet me but I consider myself a lucky damn lady that I know Barbara for less then a year but she welcome me more then like my own sister did.
So my dear fella friends what I am trying to say is he have been with her for 3 years.. are she worthy or not we all can never know till fede itself willing to explore and find out. Yeahh it might be a wrong choice but can we for sure walking away is the best choice...?? What if she is actually the right person...??? WHAT & IF is just common words but place them side side and it can give you wonder whole life...
I know for sure a good financial or an independent woman is always the secure come to many situation and I also understand that money is important cos everyone will rather cry in jaguar instead of bus but I learn after my trip money is not everything. If fede love her gf and he was a successful man can he picture how lucky he was to have his wife at home looking after the family while he is working to provided his family a better life instead of hiring a nanny and get his ambitious wife...?? I not sure and I am sorry if I might offends those working mom but I bet if being given a choice every Mommy will dying to staying home and look after they own kids by themselves unless they desire otherwise...
I not saying this bcos she is just fall to my type but I talking base on experience and yes is happen to me so I guess I answer his question that his asking if there is anyone out there similar situation like him. But will he end up like me and my Hubby seriously I don't know that's why I ask him open the door and explore but if he more choose to walk away I will be just wishing him good luck in find the miss right bcos I am very sure that what happen next nobody can tell right... I pray that my Hubby will be the same forever but if happen he change then I will just say God testing on me and I am sure HE won't do if HE knows I can't bear it.. cheerssss...
Lots love...
Rachel..
At one moment I was scare bcos seriously I just know her less then a year and meet her only twice but I go anywhere.. yes she is not my lover just a friends but after the 10days visit I realize something very important things that I never think I will end up be different Rachel after I return.
The visit teach me that the period of time knowing someone is not warranty they will treat you well forever. Along the way things might change might not.. and this apply to every relationship I think...
I must be lucky enough to have married a very good man that can treat me the same like the 1st day he meet me but I consider myself a lucky damn lady that I know Barbara for less then a year but she welcome me more then like my own sister did.
So my dear fella friends what I am trying to say is he have been with her for 3 years.. are she worthy or not we all can never know till fede itself willing to explore and find out. Yeahh it might be a wrong choice but can we for sure walking away is the best choice...?? What if she is actually the right person...??? WHAT & IF is just common words but place them side side and it can give you wonder whole life...
I know for sure a good financial or an independent woman is always the secure come to many situation and I also understand that money is important cos everyone will rather cry in jaguar instead of bus but I learn after my trip money is not everything. If fede love her gf and he was a successful man can he picture how lucky he was to have his wife at home looking after the family while he is working to provided his family a better life instead of hiring a nanny and get his ambitious wife...?? I not sure and I am sorry if I might offends those working mom but I bet if being given a choice every Mommy will dying to staying home and look after they own kids by themselves unless they desire otherwise...
I not saying this bcos she is just fall to my type but I talking base on experience and yes is happen to me so I guess I answer his question that his asking if there is anyone out there similar situation like him. But will he end up like me and my Hubby seriously I don't know that's why I ask him open the door and explore but if he more choose to walk away I will be just wishing him good luck in find the miss right bcos I am very sure that what happen next nobody can tell right... I pray that my Hubby will be the same forever but if happen he change then I will just say God testing on me and I am sure HE won't do if HE knows I can't bear it.. cheerssss...
Lots love...
Rachel..
However, Rachel, that is a very charming story. You sound like a fun, bubbly person, which is probably what your serious engineer husband likes about you.
So if you do really love her don't keep her waiting and spend your time here asking but asking her "WILL YOU MARRIED ME...??" you can never know what woman like me and her can offer till you willing to open the door and explore and enjoy the ride just like my Hubby did.
I'm sorry, but I disagree. The time to figure out what a partner can offer is BEFORE marriage, not after. It's not like trying a new brand of yogurt...it's a lifetime committment.
I'm sorry, but I disagree. The time to figure out what a partner can offer is BEFORE marriage, not after. It's not like trying a new brand of yogurt...it's a lifetime committment.
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That said, you are ambitious and have high goals, and already after only three years, it is not satisfactory to you to be hooked up with someone who has such a passive approach to life. It won't get better.
My sister married the nicest guy (so nice, he is still in the family after their long-ago divorce). She is always in the news, has had several high-profile jobs. He just was not on that page. When I asked her why she was leaving such a sweet guy, she said, "He just doesn't have any ambition."
In other words, it is not an illegitimate reason to refuse to marry someone. Even if she did have career ambitions that matched yours, the fact that she is on a time track for marriage and kids that you don't want, should be enough to send up all sorts of red flags for success in the marriage. One thing that I know from my own life is that when the man and the woman have deeply-held wishes regarding kids that are diametrically opposed, no matter how great the relationship, what will happen is that one person will not get what he or she wants, and it will continue to be an issue, never really going away.
My thought is that the three years you have had were doubtless great, but they are gone past now, and the future does not hold so much promise of ease and agreement. You two have come up to the things that are often deal breakers. Up to you, but I wouldn't have any more sex (lest she get pregnant) and I would tell her you do not intend to get married until you are established.