Help. Boyfriend was child sex offender (warning graphic content)

[cucuy14]

My boyfriend recently confessed to me that he sexually assaulted his little sister. He was 14 and she was 8 years old. He said he had fantasies that it would be consensual. He pinned her down, removed her pants, and fondled her, but stopped and apologized when she started crying. She told their parents and he was sent into foster care and treatment for the duration of his teenage years. They seem to have a good relationship now, talk regularly, and he believes she has forgiven him. I am not sure how to handle this information. Does this mean he must have mental health issues or is it possible for it to be a one-time thing? Is this normal sexual behaviour for a young boy. Is it ok for me to forgive him?

[Chima7]

I can't speak for you, but if it was me, I would not stick around to find out more. It's too creepy for words and I would never date someone I perceived as a creeper. But I've learned that I deserve better than that. Maybe it will still take some life experience for you to realize that you also deserve better than a sex offender and you'll someday raise the bar on the men you choose to date. You'll have to stop fishing in the tadpole pool if you want a beautiful tropical fish, you know?

[specialmom]

Well, let this sit with you and go with your gut.  Don't base it on just wanting to be with him---  really think about what happened and if it is something you can get past.  I would be very fearful of someone---  even if he was 14 at the time---  who would in essence, sexually assault their sibling.  That disconnect of right and wrong would very much concern me.  He was punished for it but I'd have lots of questions for him regarding his rehabilitation aND if he'd been molested himself.  good luck

[cucuy14]

Thanks for your comments. He is in his 30s now. As far as I know, it was just this one incident.

[specialmom]

I agree that this is a much worse scenario than simply child exploration/experimentation.  This is much more depraved and much more indicative of an internal disconnect with right and wrong that this male had.  I would not be comfortable with this in the past of a significant other.  

[Life360_Dave]

All i can say it that there is something really wrong with this. Raping ones own sister is as about as wrong as something could be. My sister was 8 when i was 14 and never crossed my mind to even consider doing this but to nuture her and be a big brother.

[nursegirl6572]

Normally, I would agree that some childhood sexual experimentation is not abnormal, but the way your BF describes it, it sounds like it was maybe more than that.  

First, he WASN'T super young (like the same age as his sister), so he should have had a better idea of right and wrong.  Second, he sexually assaulted his sister against her will, AND admits to having fantasized about having sexual encounters with her.  I really would be suspicious that he was perhaps sexually abused himself.  Was he ever prosecuted legally?  

I think the fact that he was sent away to foster care at 14 for the REMAINDER of his teen years is also VERY telling.  That's a pretty intense intervention.  That tells me that this was a very serious situation, at least in how it was viewed by the adults handling it.  

Your questions are impossible to answer.  While I can appreciate that he's been forthcoming about this with you, and that you want to try to work through this...honestly, I think it's a deal breaker.  He very well may not be any kind of serial pedophile, but I don't think I'd take that chance, especially, like SM said, what if you and him commit for the long haul and have children?  I think that would always be in the back of your mind.

There are just NO guarantees here, and my advice to you is to move on.  I know it isn't easy, but this really is a pretty big deal IMO.  

[Vance2335]

This was when he was 14, often male kids at that are are very confused with desires and bodies. It is still something he thinks about then that is a different story and he needs to get that addressed.

This is a conversation you are going to have to go more indepth with him about.

[specialmom]

Okay, I see he is no longer a teenager.  

Personally, I wouldn't date anyone that had a history of being a sex offender.  I'm about self protection and the picture in  my mind of him holding down an 8 year old little girl would creep in and make him creeped out.

I get that he's been through some rehabilitation but I'd also say that there is a statistic that isn't very high for rehabbing sex offenders.  Child on child molestation usually also happens because someone was molested once themselves.  

Anyway, I personally wouldn't be interested in this guy.  No thanks.  And if you got serious, had kids and one was a daughter . . .   would you ever feel totally safe leaving him with her?  

good luck

[specialmom]

how old are you?  Are you both now 14?

[ginahall]

Well first how old is he now, sometimes people go thru things in they're youth, learn they're lesson and realize that wasn't the best choice and may not want that to happen again and move on.  But if it's something that has continued to happen with her or anyone else then there is a problem. But if this is someone you really like and you believe this is not the person he is today don't let it bother you,  you either have to let it go and accept that it happenened and move further