Living with the in laws is making me depressed

[hardkaur]

I have been married for 10 months now. During the several years that my husband and I were dating, we had always discussed moving out and establishing a home of our own, but he wanted me to live with his parents for a year first, as it is part of the culture, and so I agreed.

Six months into the marriage I began talking about moving out within the years time, and he would just ignore me or brush the subject off. Months later he said he didn't want to move out of his parents house, and wanted us to live with them forever and start a family there. He felt it was his "turn to take care of them" because he had had such a good childhood, and his parents had taken care of him his whole life. His mother did everything for him before we got married, from making his meals, to washing his clothes, and such. I  told him that I refuse to live with his parents because of how bad my relationship has become with my mother in law and also with my husband. My father in law is pretty neutral in all this. My relationship with my husband has suffered BIG TIME, sexually, emotionally, and mentally. We don't have a lot of privacy at all, there is one tv, and we all share one bathroom. My mother in law doesn't work so she is always at home. Whenever I try to talk to my husband about these issues he gets upset with me. He says to let him tell his parents "with his own time" about us moving out, and he also says that he hates looking for houses and that he doesn't know how long its going to take for him to even like being moved out with me, even though this is what we had planned since day one.

I'm really sad about all this, and am hoping he will own up to his promise, but it is affecting my feelings now, and I'm starting to emotionally detach myself without even trying. I try to talk to him about this but he just gets upset with me and then he's so distant for a few days, and it makes it really hard for me to even gather the courage to talk to him about this. Any suggestions, or is anyone going through the same thing???

[Dollyarpitha]

I feel frustrated to dress up differently jus cos thy r around.i want my freedom to wear what I like.my husband always keeps taunting me tat I'm a housewife and he s the earner.he din let me to even keep a maid .he expects me to do seva to him n to his parents.m brought up in a house whr daughter in law s given al the freedom n I assumed all mother in laws Wil b lik my mom.my husband even comments on my family members n make fun of them. I can never listen anythin against them.so I warned him initially but wen his behaviour continued I did the same Abou his family.for tat he gets angry .I think I did the biggest mistake marrying him .it was love n arranged marriage

[Dollyarpitha]

My husband had told me that his parents r not dependent on him n even he s not dependent on them before marriage.his mom seemed really sweet in the beginning.but she started affecting our privacy.she continuously asked me to share pics durin our honeymoon including pics of the room v stayed .she daily kept on askin me for pics of food I prepared or whr Eve v went she wanted to c our pic.now its been 5months of marriage and my husband s planning to move them in with us as his dad will b retiring in two yrs .his mom s very annoying .even my husband expects me to act differently wen thy r around us lik a typical bahu.

[Neysanswer]

Like.for.example.me and my hubby shower.together all the time and he went and.told my mom in law we was showering together and she said so what there married and then he went to my work place we work at the same place and told them about it and said why would they do that in me and his mother's house lol really it mad him sound sick cause everyone ask me why would he being saying anything about that ...and everytime we help with something there all we hear is this is our house from him I think its time to go but my hubby wont

[Neysanswer]

I been going through this for 10 years it will never change and and.gets worse only I dont have issues with my mom in law my father in law is the one.that always starts.stuff my husband will never live with me and his son on his own with his ex wife he did but not me and we been together 16 years I gave up on it I feel hopeless cause no matter what I say there always a fight so I.just stay quiet

[mokshada]

I am also going through same situation since last 4 years.I don't want in laws in my home.my mother in law is like *****.I am in big depression. In laws not ready to move from my house. This flat belong to my husband and myself. I did not see any option ahead. Even I can't suicide as I have a kid. I thought to get separate from my husband that's only option is left now.

[Dollyarpitha]

suicide s not the option.if u die thy Wil get him a new wife.v should think of our parents too who love us more.i feel the same Abou my mom in law.m helpless too

[mepositive]

I see how tough the situation is. You have to talk with him. He cannot avoid talking about things he does not want to address. I have been going through similar challenges. My husband had told me before marriage that at some point he would like his parents to move in, because he feels he should take care of them in their old age. Only I had not realised it would be 4 years into the marriage. Added to this the family dynamics are crazy. Within a week of our honeymoon my MIL decided to come over to our place (different city). Later I realised that she was angry with my father in law and this was her way of making a statement and teaching him a lesson. She told us, she has had enough of him and was not going to return to my father in law. Thats the first time I realised how selfish she was. The first three months of my married life was spent with my MIL in the house. Any ways she went back but she and my FIL have regular ego wars. We were saved because of the distance but now no longer. My FIL has had a surgery and my husband wants them to move in. My MIL has been wanting to move in with us forever. She wants to move in and wants to have things her own way. She wants to move in 'all' her stuff including furniture and electronics, with complete disregard to what I want. My FIL's solution is we move to a bigger house, to accommodate their things (even though the current space is enough for 4 people). Its not only my space but the household management that I must give up. My inlaws are currently visiting us for a couple of months. The first thing my MIL said when we sat down for dinner was, -you leave the kitchen to me, I will see everything. I told her that is not possible. But over time even though I tried to spell out boundaries about what was not acceptable to me, she just refused to respect them. It resulted in me being annoyed, resentful, and snapping at her. Her response was sulking, dramatic breakdowns, refusing to eat. What I have realised is that as a person she is selfish, lacks empathy, does not care about desires of others and must have what she wants. Since she can't change I have to.  If I refuse or resist there is  much negativity, on both our sides. This negativity and constant stress has made me realise that I value peace of mind over how I decorate my house or control over the kitchen matters. So now I dont try to assert that things should be done my way. She is only about 50. So its almost half my lifetime that I will have to live with her. I hope I can cope.

[specialmom]

It's so difficult when different cultures and belief systems dictate our choices.

sounds like you have a good plan to TRY to make this work.  Let us know how it goes!!