My boyfriend's son is ruining our relationship

[hashadit]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have been living together for about 9 months. My boyfriend has a 10 year old son of whom he has 50% custody every other week. I have tried everything to be nice to this child, but nothing is ever good enough. The son lives with my boyfriend's parents, and always has. My boyfriend had never had the responsibility of being a parent full time---only when its convenient for him. I recently purchased a home in my name (my boyfriend has horrible credit) in the town that his son lives in. The plan was for the son to start staying with us more often, instead of the grandparents, but so far he hasn't stayed one night because I always make up excuses such as being sick so that he won't come over. My boyfriend REFUSES to discipline him. He allows him to do things that drive me CRAZY. The child is 10 and acts like he is 4 or 5. I honestly think he may have ADHD, but my boyfriend becomes so angry with me when I bring it up, that I've just started keeping my feelings to myself. The child rolls around on the floor, jumps on the couch, eats and wipes his dirty hands all over the wall. He constantly goes in and out, in and out, leaving the door open. He becomes bored with whatever he is doing after 5 minutes and is constant need of being entertained. The list of annoying things is neverending. I've told my boyfriend how nervous this behavior makes me and his response is "thats just the way he is". The child has no respect for adults and is very rude to me. My boyfriend laughs everytime this happens. He recently told me that his son is #1 in his life and that I will always come second. I don't think I will ever get over this. He lets the son do as he pleases, and expects me to just deal with it instead of compromising and meeting in the middle. Should I end this before I invest anymore into this relationship?

[pfelchak]

I so agree with you. I'm in the same boat as this woman. I started date my boyfriend almost 2 years ago and after a year he ask me to move in. So I did. He has a 9 yr old daughter that has no respect for her mother or any adult. When I first started dating my boyfriend, his daughter was great. but for some reason, she started beating me down with her mean remarks which I find them very rude. When she comes over, it's like she glued to her dads side and no one can go near him ever. When I'm in another room, he will come to talk to me about something. Then 2 minutes later she comes walking in to listen or she will call his name from another room and he would have to stop talking and run to her side. We went to Mexico for Thanksgiving with his family which they go every year and it was my first time there. You would think he would want to take atleast a little time to walk the beach together or something to do alone. We never got to spend any time together and I felt like I shouldn't of gone. She kept making her rude remarks and I was hurt. He said he had talked to her, but yet, she has never said sorry for any of things she has said. This happens all the time we have her now. We get her every other weekend. She nevers wants to eat what I cook and I cook great meals. Her eating habits are terrible for a 9 year old child. She's very rude to all adults and I have tried to correct her, but scared to punish due to my boyfriend getting made at me. When she has home work, I have to leave the room. She always cries and says it's to hard and he will end up helping her to the point that he does it. Thats not learning. I listen to him when he has something to say about my kids and I respect that and have gone by what he says. I go to all of his family functions, but he won't go to my family functions cause he always works when he don't have his daughter. but when he has his daughter, he won't work. I love him and his daughter very much, but she is to spoiled and always gets what she wants. We are great together and have lots of fun when she's not around. I really don't know what to do? I'm 50 years old and I don't won't to lose him. He says we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, but he don't what to marry.  

[mukash]

I entirely agree with you. Those who haven't been through a similar situation have no right to judge her. Amazing how rude and obnoxious people can be while she's asking for advice. I understand her. I'm going through something similar. The fact that she's bringing it up shows only one thing: she cares. If she didn't, she wouldn't have bothered taking the time to post this message. It is very difficult to bring 2 families together, there's no miracle solution, and time will tell. Dedication is important, love as well....
Best of luck to you :)

[merrybear]

That sounds like a very strange situation.  I hate to suggest anything as sad as this, but could there be some kind of sexual abuse going on?  The whole showering/bathroom/little girl thing is setting off alarms in my mind.  This response might be way off-base (and I hope it is), but sometimes when kids act out in strange ways it is a result of that kind of abuse.  It's unimaginable but it happens.  I don't know what you should do exactly, but I would definitely consider calling a counselor to discuss the situation.

[melmel929]

wher do i start.... i am so having some of the same issues. My boyfriends son is 10 years old and in the third grade. And acts as if he is 4 or 5. He says rude things and expects everything and rolls anround on floor when he does not get his way. the kid crys at least once a day and did i mention still has bowel movements in his underwear. It drives me crazy and no one says any thing to him. he follows his dad to the restroom and sits in there while he does # 2. its really freakin odd. now the kid is on this kick about trying to take a shower with him. My son is so different. He talk like a normal kid and when he doesnt get his way he just rolls with it.he may say something out the way but never crys or throws himself on the floor. o and my son is 11 and in 5th grade. Its also werid but my boyfriend will ask his son if he is his baby girl? and his son will reply yes. tell me what the hell is wrong with this picture.

[beinganadult]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and discussing this, as I am going through a similar situation.
The child I am dealing with, runs, and is ruining, our relationship. He cries, throws tantrums, throws things, and hits others, including me! He is 8 years old, and when cries, his parent looks for an excuse, and there is no punishment, no consequences, and I am left looking like the bad guy.
Today, just after Christmas breakfast, the child decided to smear feces on the bathroom wall, and the response from his parent, "that is weird", and left me to clean it up.
Later, when things did not go his way, in a board game, he threw his usual tantrum, and started throwing things in the house.
He was upset, and I understand anger, but do not understand, his anger at myself, or my home.

When he calmed down, he asked if there were AAA batteries for his new toy, and when I said I did not have them, he flew into a rage again. He lashed out at me, and said he hated me, and did not want to see me, ever again.
I said, I knew he was angry, and did not mean what he had said.
They left, and he got what he wanted. Now they are calling me to come back over for dinner, to which I said "NO". I feel like I am being used, and abused.

[Lost_in_Love]

I really appreciate you saying that.