My boyfriend's son is ruining our relationship

[hashadit]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have been living together for about 9 months. My boyfriend has a 10 year old son of whom he has 50% custody every other week. I have tried everything to be nice to this child, but nothing is ever good enough. The son lives with my boyfriend's parents, and always has. My boyfriend had never had the responsibility of being a parent full time---only when its convenient for him. I recently purchased a home in my name (my boyfriend has horrible credit) in the town that his son lives in. The plan was for the son to start staying with us more often, instead of the grandparents, but so far he hasn't stayed one night because I always make up excuses such as being sick so that he won't come over. My boyfriend REFUSES to discipline him. He allows him to do things that drive me CRAZY. The child is 10 and acts like he is 4 or 5. I honestly think he may have ADHD, but my boyfriend becomes so angry with me when I bring it up, that I've just started keeping my feelings to myself. The child rolls around on the floor, jumps on the couch, eats and wipes his dirty hands all over the wall. He constantly goes in and out, in and out, leaving the door open. He becomes bored with whatever he is doing after 5 minutes and is constant need of being entertained. The list of annoying things is neverending. I've told my boyfriend how nervous this behavior makes me and his response is "thats just the way he is". The child has no respect for adults and is very rude to me. My boyfriend laughs everytime this happens. He recently told me that his son is #1 in his life and that I will always come second. I don't think I will ever get over this. He lets the son do as he pleases, and expects me to just deal with it instead of compromising and meeting in the middle. Should I end this before I invest anymore into this relationship?

[Lunamattrang]

End relationship. Find a better  man who love you and respect you

[CG24abc]

When I read this it sounded identical to my issue! My husbands son is almost 8 and is the product of a one night stand. The mother of this child has been in a thorn in my side ever since we started dating 8 years ago. She lies to my husbands family about me saying I’m using him and I’m only with him for the money. She also I feel has feelings for my husband as she’s always trying to get a foot in the door and she does so by using the kid. So his son and I have a horrible relationship. He lies to his mother about me making up huge lies. He’s said that I don’t feed him (he refuses to eat my food and has said stuff is disgusting), says that my husband spends too much time with our baby etc etc. My husband never disciplines him. He also i feel has some sort of autism or adhd. He has this weird jumping thing where he flails his arms and jumps repeatedly. He also is very attention seeking and has faked seizures and falls and talks about wanting to hurt himself. I told my husband he needs help but completely ignores me. He also told me his son isn’t going anywhere basically saying i need to deal with things the way they are. My husband also does things that he knows drives me up a wall. Treating him like a baby is the biggest. He will call him baby Alexander all the time l. He allows him to talk like a baby amd he legit says daddy 1000 times a day. When i tell him to correct him he just responds that he likes when his son talks like that! He also has a horrible speech impediment from sucking on a pacifier till he was 6.5 which i told him way back then that it would cause issues. Another thing he basically told me to mind my business. His son was overheard telling his friend that he hates me which his dad and i overhead and his dad laughed!! He is here almost everyday and I’ve come to a place where i don’t know if i should leave or keep fighting for my marriage. My husbands solution to the problem is for me to “hang out” with his son more!! I’ve got to the point where i can’t stomach bejnf any where near him bc of the baby talk and encouragement. I don’t know what to do!

[specialmom]

I think it is really hard to come on board to a child/parent situation like this as a new partner.  I agree with you that some things may not be ideal. However, it's their pattern. Their lives together.  Pre existing and very important that he carry out his job as father.  If it is too much to just allow him to parent as he wishes, allow his son to be alright (and if he has autism of adhd or any other neurological divergent situation) he WILL require different things, more attention, more patience and more understanding. You can not 'tough love' a kid out of those challenges. And because kids in that group suffer greatly from mental health issues eventually, up to 80 percent become depressed and 9 percent commit suicide, the child's well being has to be central focus.  If this is too much, this may not be a relationship that is going to last.  It would not be a solution to ask your husband to not hang out with his son anymore. I'd rather he divorce you than ever do that.  Sorry but that's the truth.  You're an adult. You'll mend.  He's shaping the security and stability of a child's life right now that needs him and that supersedes your feelings.  good luck.

[specialmom]

And I just want to say that I don't mean that to sound mean in any way.  It would be ideal if you could accept his child as is, his parenting, as is.  But if you can't, I just don't think that will work. I'm married to my husband's father. Our relationship goes on the back burner when we have kid things to attend to.  Our kids can take priority but we both love them equally so we aren't mad about it.  But cherish it as we view parenting the kids as something we value.  It's hard when it feels like the child is intruding on your life but the child was there first.  I feel for you.  I know it's really hard.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Welcome to our community.  I wanted to let you know that you've tacked your post onto a very old post from 2008.  The original poster hasn't been here for a very long time.  If you'd like some help with your own situation, please leave a post for the community (a new one).  You can do that by hitting 'back to community' from this post, then at the top of the community, you'll see "post a question" and can hit that and post.  We have some great members that would be happy to comment on your own situation.  good luck

[sadinoz]

I found your post from quite a few years ago but it sounds exactly like what I am living only my boyfriends daughter was 13 when we met and is 16 now.  We lived together for almost a year and then bought a house with the loan in my name and stupidly I added him to the deed.  I am at my wits end with the behavior of his daughter and he just tells me to relax.  She tells him what to do, what she's going to do and who she has invited over.  She tells him when she is having a party and never asks, now remember this is my house too.  She makes her father do her laundry and cook her food at all hours, she can't even get a drink for herself.  She tells her father she is going to punch him in the throat if she doesn't like and flips him off because its cool.  He just tells me I have to lighten up and relax.  I raised a daughter by myself.  There were rules and consequences.  My boyfriends daughter literally has not one rule and therefore, no consequences.  I like him less everyday.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you don't even like this guy and feel he is holding you up over the ownership of the house, it's time to ask him to sign over the deed to you, and to end the relationship. If he won't do that, see a lawyer about whether you can get him off the deed by proving he hasn't made any payments. (Or if that fails, making a settlement. Or if that fails, buying him out. Or if you can't do that and don't have much equity, filing bankruptcy and walking away from the house.) I'm sorry.

[eva84]

i with exactly the same problem ..and maybe bigger . I'm with my partner 17 months . everything between us was perfect..., i get pregnant... to till 8 month of my pregnancy.he got 11 years old son living with his mum , and visiting my partner in our home like a 2-3 times per months.But no in the last one. he is here all the time in the last 4 weeks completely different than before. really aggressive , jealous to me. just try to understand is his own game or playing together with his mother . is really strange because is never been living with my boyfriend and now when i 9 month pregnant is here from 1 month. all the time is opposite me, fooling his dad like a dog everywhere didn't give as no 1 sek. privet time. and getting really aggressive if we have nice time.i so worry for our relationship , love a lot my boyfriend he do as well... but our relationship is on way to be ruin in the moment when we waiting our first baby . i'm scared !!! his son ask him my boyfriend to sleep with him every night and he do it .. living me alone all the time, stay with him in separate room  with him only to keep hem happy , without to think for as , me ...our baby ...if he sore as together in some room come on the minute between us trying to separate us . this boy playing with him , my boyfriend know but is scared to do something. he is never been giving him some discipline or learn him to have respect like to father. the boy is with relay rude language to his father and that's everything drive me crazy.i want my partner more than everything in the world , but can not living anymore like that , is just no fair to me and our baby . will have the baby everyone moment and i feel so lonely , sad,and scared like never in my live .before 2 days ago my partner family was on visit in our home ..there are such a lovely people.in the end his sister  try to speak with the on of my b.f. about the baby how will have the baby and everything will be OK ...and he tell her how planning to kill the baby with the pillows , to put them on the baby face to the end . i was to the door and hear this ... didn't do nothing i was in shock !!! i scared and need help . can not believe what happen in my live . i been trying to be nice to this little boy but nothing work. he is so strange , really worry for my man and our baby ! our baby don't deserve this live ... was thinking to live the house , but why ? where to go with my newborn ? alone ? our baby deserve his father, me and the home ... and i still stay here , but feel like a in arest , prison ... worried for the live of my baby, when we come from the hospital back to home. i don't want this boy around the house the first 3-4 weeks , because need private tiime only wit my partner and our baby ...  my boyfriend cant realise what happen in our home he is just with closing eyes . i didn't know what to do !

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, first let me say that you've tagged your comment onto a very long, old thread and if you are looking for more responses, you will get more if you post your own thread.  You do that by going to the top of this forum and hitting post question.  I also will say that I see your question as perhaps having more to do with Relationship (which we have a forum for, go to the top tool bar and hit forums----  and then on the left side are the member communities---  look for Relationships there) than child behavior.  

As I see it, your problems lie between you and your boyfriend.  His daughter is . . . well, his daughter.  She's the kid and just doing her thing.  That no parent in her life demanded respect is really the parents fault.  That you now have a problem with her is an issue between you and your boyfriend.  You and he do not agree on parenting or on whether you get any say or not in the matter of his daughter.  You'd also  like to get married, he says no.  You go to his family functions but he will not go to yours.  All of these things are red flags and put this relationship in jeapardy of failing  

I can only recommend to you two things.  One, try to work with him.  By that I mean, working out these differences in a productive way, compromising along the way, and finding a resolution you both are happy with.  Yes, you must be happy too.  If you lose someone because they do not mesh with your vision of life over and over again, well---  you then have the ability to find someone you could have a happier life with.  Does that make sense?  so, that is the second thing you can do here, set up a boundary for where you draw the line.  When is it okay to say that this isn't working?  You need to start clarifying that within yourself.  Not every relationship is meant to be and if he isn't being a solid, equal partner with you, then that might make this relationship one that won't ultimately make you happy.  

by the way, a couples therapist could definately help with the trying to work through this part of the above paragraph.  

So, I do wish you luck. It is really hard to blend families---  but can be done.  but both partners have to respect the other and I'm just not sure that is happening here.  Peace