My girlfriend won't have sex with me

[kayak1989]

I'm 19 and so is my partner. We've been together for nearly two years. But we only have sex about once or twice a week. I do beliveve in romance, snd i do make quite a lot of effort. (going out for meals, holidays, suprise trips out and presents). But even four days in paris, nice hotel, and all the sight seeing, she  was still only interested once. We do have fun, playing squash, walking dogs and the like, but the romantic side of thigs seems to be so scripted with her, i could give you details of every sexual encounte, because they have very little varation. unless i pretty much force it. I don't mind that as much as the fact that unless i push the issue, i don't think there would be any sexual encounters at all.
On the romance side of things, the only things she buys me, are things that anyone who even vaguely knows me, wouldn't get me, like chocolate, sweets and very old man ish clothes. I can't stand sweets, and she should know this, by the way i always refuse them. I am not one to beat round the bush, if  i don't like something, i'll say. OBVIOUSLY, not nastily, but at some point i will make it very clear. I am not an unsensitive person.
Why does she not want to have sex with me more? I used to be madly in love with this girl but the constant rejection in the bedroom is pushing me away. There are only so many hugs and kisses i can give. I am quite a sensual person, and i do like sex. i know she enjoys it, without going into details.
But it is hard work getting her interested.
What am i doing wrong? and am i immoral for wanting to leave her because of it? I don't want to cheat on her but on drunken nights out it has been close.
Please give me your thoughs and opinions, no matter how frank.
Thanks in advance

[Lonelymom]

I am sorry for hijacking this post but I read what you said to Kayak and it hit home with me!  We have been married almost 10 years now and for the past 3 or more years my husband will not initiate sex. That was how it started anyway and now he just won't have sex with me at all! I can initiate and I get told night after night after night... not tonight Im to tired... I am the one that works not him! It hurts and it *****! I feel fat, ugly, and just down right usexy.  I have womaned up and told him!

"My recommendation to this guy is to be a man, and tell her how you feel.  Tell her that it hurts that she doesn't want you and that you need that physical affection from the person you love."

I have told him this exactly! I have even told him it wasnt' as much about "getting off" as it was about feeling the unity and the affection from him!  

[specialmom]

Well, kitchenboy, your girlfriend is underage and was 15 when you started dating.  She's a girl still and probably doesn't want to get pregnant.  Not a bad idea to abstain and I'm sure it has much more to do with the stage of life she is in vs. her sexual drive.    

[kitchenboy]

you have it good right now, i have been dating my girl friend for nearly 2 years as well and i am also 19 and she is 17. we have has sex 3 times in our entire relationship, and we haven't have had sex for almost 9 months. so be happy with what you have

[pleb]

I've got the same problem but worse. We're married after being together for 2 years and i'm lucky to get it twice a month. Thats only if i force it or give the guilt trip. I really don't know what has changed from the first 9-11 months of us being togther when we did it alot?  I'm very generous in the bedroom and make her happy, but i never get anything in return? This year 6 standerd boring shags( with little intrest) and 0 blow jobs? I don't know what advice too give to you kayak but if it doesn't get better fast, soon leave! leave now! Or your be stuck being unsatisfied like me. I'm 50/50 on what i should do? young marriage, no sex????? I love her but i can't stay like this and i don't want to hurt her by cheating. So maybe i'll wait then leave??? NOway kids, I'll talk to her for the millionth time and get nowhere and then deside?
Good luck.

[djdanone]

Many of you are missing this guy's point completely.  What bothers him is not the frequency of sex as much as it is the fact that she doesn't initiate.  I imagine that if he stopped initiating altogether, then he may never get laid at all.  I heard a story told by a therapist of a married couple that had similar problems.  After feeling unwanted for so long, the husband just stopped initiating to see how long it would take for his wife to give him affection.  He waited two months, before he broke down to her and couldn't stand the pain any longer.  Women, some of us men feel loved when we receive affection.  We are not made of stone, and if you never initiate intimacy, that feels just as bad as if you were reject us outright.

It's not about the frequency as much as it is the feeling of being wanted.  He has a legitimate reason to consider leaving her because the constant feeling of rejection can, and will, lead to resentment which will not make either of them happy in the long run.  

I was in a similar situation with my ex-girlfriend, so much so that we had to go to couple's therapy for it.  We communicated openly about it, but very little changed in the long run.  She ended up sharing to the therapist in session that she had horrible sexual experiences with insensitive, even abusive, men in the past, therefore she feared initiating intimacy.  That, and her birth control almost totally destroyed her libido.  In the end we had to call it quits, although we were emotionally vested in each other, and today we are both much happier for it.  

Sexual chemistry is NECESSARY in maintaining a healthy lasting relationship.  It's not everything, but it needs to be there.  

My recommendation to this guy is to be a man, and tell her how you feel.  Tell her that it hurts that she doesn't want you and that you need that physical affection from the person you love.  You are 19 years old, and I guarantee you there are other girls out there that would have no problem satisfying your emotional need to be wanted.  She's just not doing it, and that probably has nothing to do with you (from what you wrote it seems like you are putting in more than enough effort).  

Call it quits, face to face, wipe her tears, and move on.  It's better for the both of you that way.

[webster7n13]

im having similiar problems. I've been with my fiance for three years. We got engaged when i was overseas and had a strong relationship. She is my best friend in the world and i love her dearly. We had sex quit often before i left for my deployment. It has been over six months since i have been back and she hasn't wanted to have sex once. We have sex probably once a month but its never her choice. She never wants to saying lets make this quick or i dont want to but i want to make you happy. But i try so much just to turn her on. I give countless back rubs and try to affectinent things. She neve even likes to talk about sex, even though i have been trying hard to figure out what is going on. I now often ask her if something happened when i was gone, being something of cheating or rape. I am a very sexual person, but i would be satisfied with her want it a couple times a week. I just want her to want to have sex once since i have been back. We missed out on sex for a year already. She seems to not want to kiss me or anything anymore. I DO NOT want to cheat on her and want to be with her forever but i am so lost right now. I cant even bring up the subject to her. I am willing to try anything to get this going again. I hope she isnt cheating but the thought crosses my mind so much now just because she wont have sex with me. Any ideas.