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My husband says i have made the kids hate him
I am finding it difficult to make my husband listen to me, he thinks that i talk too much and that i have made the kids go against him. My children are 30, 26 and 18. I must admit i do talk now, i never used to question him before, but last 10 years especially, i have questioned his judgement, his relationship with the children, the thing is he is stubborn and he thinks he is always right, he doenst know how to communicate with his kids and never has thought it necessary, but as they havbe beocme adults, they have voiced their opinions and thru time he thinks that i am basically turning them against him. I have always tried to help him understand them, when there has been confrontations etc., i have asked him to listen to them. Respect is only earned by listening and compromising, especially when your kids have become adults, we have given them a university education, and they live at home, they love their dad, but i think that he thinks he is losing control, because they want to question and express their opinions and do what they think is right. We are an asian family and my eldest son likes an american white girl, he sees people as human beings as equal regardless of gender race or religion, which is a good thing, i although thought at first it might be a culture clash, but listened to my son, although i didnt agree wth his decision, i did not want him to be unhappy either. My husband wont listen and has made it veery diffcult for him and blames me for this. I am not sure how I am going to get through this, id ont want to choose between my children and him.
It's pretty interesting to me, an American (of Swedish heritage at the grandparent's generation), to hear that all of your children still live at home. If your husband pushes this with his son, it is asking his son to move out, since he is 30 and few 30-year-olds feel this obligation to live with the family. Falling in love with an American girl might be his way of rebelling, who knows. Or maybe he just likes her refreshing attitude that a person can do what he or she wants in the world. That's very American.
I do think that you are correct about both things -- first, that your son is a very good person to see everyone as a human being regardless of gender, race or religion, and second, that your son and his girlfriend, if they were to marry, would face some culture-clash issues. Particularly, if the relationship gets as far as marriage, it will be hard for her to be the daughter-in-law of someone with your husband's more old-school beliefs. She will find it uncomfortable to come to family gatherings, and after a while, this might manifest as fewer visits. She will also probably feel freer to voice her opinions about any topic than your husband thinks is appropriate for a female, which will probably rub him the wrong way if he already thinks *you* talk too much, and you come from his own culture.
This can happen whether or not the people all involved come from similar cultural backgrounds. I married a man who was born and raised in the same town as I was, yet his father was very old-fashioned about the 'proper place' of women, and I was an autonomous working woman used to finding my own way in the world. This was an issue in my marriage until the day he died. It is not that my husband and I fought over it, but it was simply not fun (and sometimes downright unpleasant) to visit my husband's parents. For example, one night we were at a restaurant, sitting near a mixed-race couple, and my father-in-law started to loudly say that countries in South America did not ever progress the way countries in North America did, because they intermarried with the native populations and it reduced their ability to succeed. It was appalling and I was embarrassed and could not gently guide my father-in-law to change the subject, so finally I just told my husband that I wasn't feeling well and it was time for us to go home. In smaller ways it was about as comfortable, for example, he was always mad at me if, after family dinners, I did not immediately go "with the girls" and help in the kitchen while the men sat in the living room and talked about news or politics. Things like that happened continually, sometimes I crossed a line without knowing it and sometimes I didn't feel like paying attention to such an old-fashioned line. Though largely I was able to handle it and my husband didn't make it worse, he couldn't make it better either because he loved his father and could not understand how irritating it was to me. Life with my father-in-law was rarely engaging or fun.
I guess what I would suggest is that you talk to a therapist in your area who is also of the same cultural background as yourself. Explain what is happening with your husband, and ask for ideas on trying to be true to yourself, supportive of your son, and a good wife to your husband, three goals that are presently in conflict. If you have an Asian counselor in England, he or she will CERTAINLY be familiar with this kind of issue, and should have some useful suggestions. If your husband will attend with you, it might help him to learn that although children grow up to have minds of their own, they will always still love their father. He might feel he is losing 'control,' but probably he never had as much control as he thought, they probably all went along with his requirements because they cared about him, not because they felt controlled by him. He probably fears the loss of their obedience, and if he could see that where there is love, there will be good behavior, it would help him not be so fearful of that.
If your husband will go in for counseling by himself, that would be nice. It's not like he is crazy or even that his beliefs and behavior would be inappropriate in a more traditional environment, but your family lives in England in 2011, and socially and culturally the world is shifting everywhere else besides.
Also, if your son does marry this girl, please be nice to her. It is going to be very confusing to her, not so much the big stuff as the small unspoken things that she will do that are (in the eyes of your culture) wrong or challenging. American girls are raised to feel equal to boys, with equal prospects for success in the outside world (not just the world of home, but the business world and the political world and all). If someone at her husband's house is always frowning upon her for her supposedly arrogant attitude or "not knowing her place," it will be bewildering to her. If she complains to your son, he will undoubtedly feel obliged to try to please everyone, and she will feel it as a loss of his support. So do your best, be a cultural translator for her. Tell her what is going on in your husband's reaction to her, even if you cannot make it better. She might feel like his reaction is wrong and might even try to persuade you that it is not right, but even if you can't change one thing, she will appreciate that you have explained things and will feel like you cared about her to do it. I loved my sweet, caring mother-in-law and was so lucky she was there.
Take care, and good luck.
I do think that you are correct about both things -- first, that your son is a very good person to see everyone as a human being regardless of gender, race or religion, and second, that your son and his girlfriend, if they were to marry, would face some culture-clash issues. Particularly, if the relationship gets as far as marriage, it will be hard for her to be the daughter-in-law of someone with your husband's more old-school beliefs. She will find it uncomfortable to come to family gatherings, and after a while, this might manifest as fewer visits. She will also probably feel freer to voice her opinions about any topic than your husband thinks is appropriate for a female, which will probably rub him the wrong way if he already thinks *you* talk too much, and you come from his own culture.
This can happen whether or not the people all involved come from similar cultural backgrounds. I married a man who was born and raised in the same town as I was, yet his father was very old-fashioned about the 'proper place' of women, and I was an autonomous working woman used to finding my own way in the world. This was an issue in my marriage until the day he died. It is not that my husband and I fought over it, but it was simply not fun (and sometimes downright unpleasant) to visit my husband's parents. For example, one night we were at a restaurant, sitting near a mixed-race couple, and my father-in-law started to loudly say that countries in South America did not ever progress the way countries in North America did, because they intermarried with the native populations and it reduced their ability to succeed. It was appalling and I was embarrassed and could not gently guide my father-in-law to change the subject, so finally I just told my husband that I wasn't feeling well and it was time for us to go home. In smaller ways it was about as comfortable, for example, he was always mad at me if, after family dinners, I did not immediately go "with the girls" and help in the kitchen while the men sat in the living room and talked about news or politics. Things like that happened continually, sometimes I crossed a line without knowing it and sometimes I didn't feel like paying attention to such an old-fashioned line. Though largely I was able to handle it and my husband didn't make it worse, he couldn't make it better either because he loved his father and could not understand how irritating it was to me. Life with my father-in-law was rarely engaging or fun.
I guess what I would suggest is that you talk to a therapist in your area who is also of the same cultural background as yourself. Explain what is happening with your husband, and ask for ideas on trying to be true to yourself, supportive of your son, and a good wife to your husband, three goals that are presently in conflict. If you have an Asian counselor in England, he or she will CERTAINLY be familiar with this kind of issue, and should have some useful suggestions. If your husband will attend with you, it might help him to learn that although children grow up to have minds of their own, they will always still love their father. He might feel he is losing 'control,' but probably he never had as much control as he thought, they probably all went along with his requirements because they cared about him, not because they felt controlled by him. He probably fears the loss of their obedience, and if he could see that where there is love, there will be good behavior, it would help him not be so fearful of that.
If your husband will go in for counseling by himself, that would be nice. It's not like he is crazy or even that his beliefs and behavior would be inappropriate in a more traditional environment, but your family lives in England in 2011, and socially and culturally the world is shifting everywhere else besides.
Also, if your son does marry this girl, please be nice to her. It is going to be very confusing to her, not so much the big stuff as the small unspoken things that she will do that are (in the eyes of your culture) wrong or challenging. American girls are raised to feel equal to boys, with equal prospects for success in the outside world (not just the world of home, but the business world and the political world and all). If someone at her husband's house is always frowning upon her for her supposedly arrogant attitude or "not knowing her place," it will be bewildering to her. If she complains to your son, he will undoubtedly feel obliged to try to please everyone, and she will feel it as a loss of his support. So do your best, be a cultural translator for her. Tell her what is going on in your husband's reaction to her, even if you cannot make it better. She might feel like his reaction is wrong and might even try to persuade you that it is not right, but even if you can't change one thing, she will appreciate that you have explained things and will feel like you cared about her to do it. I loved my sweet, caring mother-in-law and was so lucky she was there.
Take care, and good luck.
I'd like to open the comment by saying that you cannot "make" someone else listen to you. It just isn't going to happen. We can only be in control of ourselves, and trying to control another will make you seem pushy in their eyes and give creedance to the thought of them always being right. That in turn is giving you the "right" to feel as you do.
And honestly, having a 30 year old and a 26 year old still in the home would make me a bit bitter as well. When it comes to respect, I'd personally find that a bit disrespectful! Not only have you given them a college education, but they are still at home sponging off of the two of you..... to me, that is outright disrespectful. Essentially, that house is his and yours. He has a right to be right within his own home. His opinion regarding anything within the household should be gold in regards to your childrens thoughts.
I am not trying to sound disrespectful towards you, but enough is enough with the children. It is more than right time for them to fly the coop (the 30 and 26 year old). It is their turn to experience the real world. With mom and dad providing a roof over their head and food to put in their belly.... they have no idea what the real world is like!!! If I were the 2 of you, those kid would be buying all of the food and paying every single bill within the household. That would be respectful!!!!
Respect is a two way street, In order to get respect, one must give respect and it sounds like your kids want it only one way, their way. And actually, by allowing them to still be in the nest, it looks as if they've been encouraged to take advantage of this. That too is a bit disrespectful, but you cannot enable them. If you're enabling them, the problem lies with you.....
And honestly, having a 30 year old and a 26 year old still in the home would make me a bit bitter as well. When it comes to respect, I'd personally find that a bit disrespectful! Not only have you given them a college education, but they are still at home sponging off of the two of you..... to me, that is outright disrespectful. Essentially, that house is his and yours. He has a right to be right within his own home. His opinion regarding anything within the household should be gold in regards to your childrens thoughts.
I am not trying to sound disrespectful towards you, but enough is enough with the children. It is more than right time for them to fly the coop (the 30 and 26 year old). It is their turn to experience the real world. With mom and dad providing a roof over their head and food to put in their belly.... they have no idea what the real world is like!!! If I were the 2 of you, those kid would be buying all of the food and paying every single bill within the household. That would be respectful!!!!
Respect is a two way street, In order to get respect, one must give respect and it sounds like your kids want it only one way, their way. And actually, by allowing them to still be in the nest, it looks as if they've been encouraged to take advantage of this. That too is a bit disrespectful, but you cannot enable them. If you're enabling them, the problem lies with you.....
Adding to my above post, it does seem as if there is a break in the communication between you and your husband. Communication does require listening, not just hearing, but listening. Communication also requires saying exactly what needs to be said. Do not leave any gaps for anyone else to fill in. With all due respect, I think this is your husbands cry for help to get the kids out of the house.
And in regards to your child and his white girlfriend.... if they are out of your house, they no longer need to play by your rules. If your children truly love their father, they'd be willing to compromise too. I think you have been more than gracious, providing the education and a warm home for 30 years or so. If your kids get out of the house and on their own, they can have their own rules to follow.
And in regards to your child and his white girlfriend.... if they are out of your house, they no longer need to play by your rules. If your children truly love their father, they'd be willing to compromise too. I think you have been more than gracious, providing the education and a warm home for 30 years or so. If your kids get out of the house and on their own, they can have their own rules to follow.
I get the impression that because of their cultural background, the dad wants the kids to be in the house, not that he resents their presence. He wants the traditional pattern of everyone at home being obedient. (Unfortunately, they are not in Asia any more, they live in England, so some cultural ideas from their host country are bound to be rubbing off on the kids, making a clash between the dad's ideas of obedience and the kids' notions of autonomy.) Anyway, that's my take on this.
Thanks for your comment. My two sons do contribute to the household bills, in our culture the family always stays together, until they get married and have families.
Thanks for your comments, it seems that you understand alot of what i am going through, did you marry into a different culture? Your comments have been quite helpful. I have tried to go to counselling, and felt it did help me to control my feelings and emotions, my husband also went to one session, and the cousellor explained that he will have to let go and accept it, becuase he won't be able to change anything if our son want's to marry this girl, he will. The thing i want my husband to understand is that it is worth it as long as our son is happy and still cares for us. Our children will never stop loving their Dad, and i think my husband thinks that obedience is love. I don't want my hsuband to think i only care for the kids, becuase i care for him too.
Hmmmm, sorry for over speaking my grounds. Apparently the only thing I did understand correctly is that you want to make your husband understand. If that is the case, what I wrote regarding that still stands. One can only be responsible for themselves.
From what I am gathering after reading the other posts is that your husband stands strong with traditions. That'll be hard to break. On the other hand, if this girl really does love your son, your husband ought to be happy for him. Cultural differences still affect relationships all over the world. Interesting that something so simple can be made into something so difficult.
From what I am gathering after reading the other posts is that your husband stands strong with traditions. That'll be hard to break. On the other hand, if this girl really does love your son, your husband ought to be happy for him. Cultural differences still affect relationships all over the world. Interesting that something so simple can be made into something so difficult.
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