My live-in BF's 19 year old Daughter-inappropriate?

[Jadedeyes]

I moved in with my lost love who found me on FB after 32 years. We dated on/off for 5 years back in the day.
We  got married have been living together for 3 months. He has an 19 year old living full time at home-works part-time. Problem #1 Is laziness. She never picks up after herself. Refuses to learn to drive and when she does, she gets upset. NO incentive to do ANYTHING She is lazy (Most kids that age are) and leaves a trail everywhere.
Clothes, socks, shoes you name it. I noticed that she eats cereal with a baby spoon (Plastic) **I threw it out yesterday** and she acts like a 10 year old around her father. It is unnerving to see an adult play footsies with her father.
She will grab his hands and get him away from me to talk privately (He has acknowledged that she seems to not want us to have alone time) She has knocked on our door several times knowing we were "Going to bed" or called and woke us up when she gets home. I now lock the bedroom door b/c she opened it several times after a few knocks.  Now problem 2. When my man has been drinking beer (Sometimes not then) He has a habit of adjusting himself. His hands down his shorts play play play. *Frown* Its mindless and I am sure he doesn't do it for any other reason than having freedom to do so...but in front of his 18 year old daughter? I've seen her staring at his "Stuff" while he is doing it and when she sees me looking at her she makes a "Disgusting" face and shivers then moves away. Ive talked with him about it and he got pretty upset with me. He says he doesn't think anything of it.. but I have noticed he only does it around her, not his other daughter or when the other daughters BF is here.  Also sometimes I get a sickening feeling when they are around each other. I HOPE he is not doing anything untoward and actually asked her once and she grinned and said "No"  The other day after we had quite a discussion about this he came home early to check on me and we were all in the kitchen. She just looks at him an says "Do you know where my sportsbra is? Im like WHY would he know where her bra is??! Her room is like an episode of hoarders and she rarely washes clothes. Why would she ask that?? Is she trying to tell me something? Am I being too suspicious? Is she trying to run me out? I've had to talk to him in the past about putting his hand on her thigh (Upper) :-/  He said "Really? Her thigh?" I said yes my son did that to me once and I wanted to crawl under a rock. (He had the Oedipus Complex so I know it when I see it) I'm at a loss. I LOVE this man so much but have no motherly instincts for her at all, its more of a creepy thing when they are together.  He hasn't spoken to me for 2 days since I finally told him very straightforwardly that she apparently has the Electra Complex but also some type of disorder (Acting like a child)  eating from a plastic spoon, watching cartoons all the time.
I embarrassed him he said..I still am on the fence about this and him and her. Any input? And its not jealousy at all. .. more of concern and humiliation. Oh one more thing we all went to Thanksgiving dinner at his other daughters parents house. A one point I was on the sofa and he was on the floor next to me. Here she comes and plops down right next to him and puts her feet on him and he starts playing with her hair and the two of them looked more like a couple than father and daughter. I saw the grandmother look at them with a shocked look on her face. I had a panic attack and went outside. I don't know what to do. He said I made him feel two inches tall and I said that I dont sugar coat anything. UGH! Sorry for the long post XO

[Londres70]

Confused.  Are you married to him or dating him?

Secondly, don't blame his daughter per se; blame the dad.  He's the one that raised her.  He's the one ok with her behavior.  He's the one telling you there is nothing wrong with them but there is something wrong with you.  He's the one telling you to lay off the critical comments about his daughter.  He's the one telling you you are making him feel bad in regards to how you are responding to his daughter's behavior in front of others...........etc.etc.etc.

Thirdly, if you aren't married why stay with a man who has a daughter who you are unable to bond with and consider a problem?  

Lastly, he isn't going to change and his daughter isn't going to change, so that leaves two options:  accept this or walk.  If you are having panic attacks and are so distraught then you shouldn't have any problem with making the right decision for you.  

I think you should have left him in the past dear.

[RockRose]

Sorry if I missed this information,  but how long did you get to know him recently?   I know you knew him 32 years ago - how long did you get to know each other recently before moving in together and getting married?

[Chima7]

They're a package deal, which you knew before you ever even talked about marriage. Why did you get married to him seeing as how you despise his kid?

[specialmom]

I'm hoping if I touch my son's thigh when he is 19 that I'm not accused of doing something sexual.  :>)  

You came into THEIR home.  That's hard under the best of circumstances.  This is his daughter, he loves her.  This is a life HE created with her.  

If you aren't married, I'd not stay.  If you are, I'd not stay.  

That's just me. But if you are having such a hard time with his daughter and fear that her taking his hand and leading him away to talk privately is a bad thing, I'm worried.  That's insensitive.  Of course she is entitled to hold his hand or talk to him privately.  She may not trust having you in all of her business just yet.  (or ever)

So, I guess I see how this would be hard for you but also am a bit concerned that you make no room for her to have a relationship with her dad.  How was HER life impacted by your arrival?  she might not be thrilled and that is legitimate as she is now under scrutiny in her own home.  Ya know?  

So, try to see things from her point of view and you might get father.

I wish you lots of luck as it does sound hard to navigate.  I feel for you.  technically she is an adult and I guess there is hope in that she'll make her own way eventually and leave her father.  

good luck

[jecem96]

I Would be in shock as well. However like many have mentioned you came into this, you chose this. Did you yake time to catch up?

Basically you walked into the mess.
I would leave before things get worse. Cuz if what you feel is right, things can go down hill for everyone.

[Lee_1989]

I personally feel that you're overreacting. I think that this is just a difference of "culture" between what you're used to, and what they're used to. There's not anything wrong with any of the affectionate things you've mentioned them doing. The fact that it makes you uncomfortable (due to your own very different past experiences) is unfortunate. But it shouldn't mean that they can no longer show affection for each other the way they know how. It's possible that she is going a little overboard with the displays of affection, since you've come around, because she may feel bombarded by you, or like you're trying to take her dad away from her. Try not to be so judgmental. As for her messiness, she is an adult, but she is still young and she sounds like she is just immature for her age. That being said, I think you and her dad need to have a discussion about how to mold her into a more independent person, perhaps by setting some expectations for her about keeping her room clean. She is an adult and you and your husband don't have to let her live there. Cleaning up after one's self is a common courtesy that goes with being human. My 5 year old step son knows how to clean up after himself. ALL of that to say, I don't think this is something that can't be worked through. You need to let them be affectionate, make sure they have one on one time so neither of them feel you're trying to drive them apart. Then things should simmer down a bit. It also wouldn't hurt for you to try to form a relationship with her. Then, you can talk about what responsibilities she should have, living under you and your husband's roof. Keeping her space clean, and cleaning up after herself in common areas should be a good place to start.

[clement4now]

Hi,

Have you considered marriage counseling, or seeking advice from a marital therapist regarding your concerns with your marriage?  If you want changes to take place within your marriage and the household, both of you will definitely have to be on the same page before any rules can be changed.  

As far as your husband's relationship goes with his daughter; you have made your feelings known to your husband that you don't appreciate their displays of affection, now give him his space to process what you have said. I wouldn't let too much time pass between resolving this issue, because it could make things worse between you two. Keep in mind that their pattern of behavior (affection) toward each other, was established long before you came into the picture, and it's perfectly normal to them. This is where counseling or therapy could really be a great help to your marriage...

It sounds like the 19 y.o. daughter's behavior has been indulged by her father for quite some time now; it's possible that she has no incentive to change or grow up.  Boundaries aren't being respected because she probably was never been taught to respect them. She may even be dealing with some undiagnosed mental health issue (who knows)?  I'm not saying that she shouldn't be held accountable for her actions, but it is possible that she may never have had responsibilities placed upon her at home. She has become very comfortable, but that isn't entirely her fault... I do think that if she is responsible enough to hold down a job, she can also be responsible at home for her own belongings...

You and your husband have been married for a few months now; it is now your home also, and everyone living within the household should respect that. Your marriage should be the first priority between you and your husband, with the exception being an illness of a child, or family emergency...
Good Luck

[Nighthawk61]

You mentioned that you moved in and married after 3 months. but said nothing about how long you were in his life again after the 32 year lapse.

Number 1:  If you met moved in and married this man, all within a few months, i would expect that the 19 year old daughter would be having a hard time with that. That;s pretty fast for a young mind to comprehend and adjust to. and it would take some understanding on yours and her fathers part to help her adjust.

Number 2: You've not called your husband's daughter , your step daughter once. This being because you never had the time to be able to fully get to know this girl , prior to your moving in. I think you need to fully understand that having you there , in your step daughter's mind, is as much of an inconvenience to her, no doubt, as her habits are to you.

Number 3: I find your description of this girl harsh. The fact that you "noticed" that your step daughter prefers to eat her cereal with a plastic baby spoon, and you make a point of entering in quotes  **I threw it out yesterday** sounds like you are purposefully trying to cause this girl a problem. I eat my applesauce with a plastic spoon with a long handle every day for years. Does that make me immature ? I'm 54.  The fact that your step daughter watches cartoons , to you suggests she's immature, however there are many adults that watch ANIMATION  It's big business. It could be that this girl is one good suggestion away from entering COMMUNITY COLLAGE and taking ANIMATION GAMING AND DESIGN.
Instead of YOU wondering if this is something that she might have an interest in, you're trying to label her as having some kind of CONDITION (that has her acting like a child)? As you stated .....He hasn't spoken to me for 2 days since I finally told him very straightforwardly that she apparently has the Electra Complex but also some type of disorder (Acting like a child)  eating from a plastic spoon, watching cartoons all the time.

Number 4. Making comments and expecting change from a father and daughter relationship, should have ABSOLUTELY happened prior to your making a life altering decision to move in with a father and his child. In my opinion  it was very irresponsible for you NOT to have dealt with any issues You may be having with this family , PRIOR to You moving and disrupting their lives.

Frankly, it is obvious that you are not ever going to FEEL anything remotely like that of a mother for this girl, I suggest that you humble yourself enough (by really hearing these comments, or by going to a therapist) but really lay back and allow this young lady to continue to interact with her dad without feeling like she is under your microscope, because , with all due respect, you are throwing around DIAGNOSES THAT CAN HARM A YOUNG GIRLS PERCEPTION OF THEMSELVES AND THEIR FATHER AND I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT .

The fact is, i would not marry a beer drinker, who played played played with himself in front of anyone, let alone his daughter. And i would not marry a man who would move someone in immediately and marry them with in 3 months, when getting to the other side of raising a 19 year old daughter (i would wait until the child was adjusted in college).  

But you have chosen this family to insinuate yourself into.and i think you should talk to a GOOD therapist that is able to get you to see more than what you want to hear.and learn how you can make a positive influence in this family. In my experience that is to work nicely with your step daughter, through her father, to get her happy and excited about going to college. IMO that's what your role should be. BTW. I was instrumental in getting my stay at home step daughter into college this last week. It took a lot of patience, and pressure to do so, but one day, she may be thankful. Nonetheless, i know that i've done right by her by working within the boundaries of what my place is in her life. A cheerleader, and nothing more. If i have nothing good to say, i try not to say anything.