My son and daughter-in-law hate me

[Lizzytish1313]

It's been two years. I've left them alone. I only called once to ask how they were and ended the conversation before it could turn to me for fear I'd start crying. See, if I start crying, he accuses me of drama, so I can't TALK to him about anything except how well THEY are doing in their new jobs and in their new location. I question my motives. Do I want them to acknowledge how horribly they've treated me? Yeah, sure, but that's not a good reason to try and reconnect. I am deeply hurt to be sure. Maybe I should forget I bred, bore, and raised this man and saw to his every need and to his education and supported him in ALL things. He had a computer when I wouldn't spare the money to buy one for myself; when he needed a car and I couldn't buy one for him, I gave him MY car and I bumped around in an antique pickup truck. I am so hurt that I don't know how to live these last years out ... I can't seem to forget and move on hard as I try. I busy myself, and I do have some friends, but I'm an inner mess one heartbeat at a time away from tears. Can anyone offer advice? How do I live like this?

[Dee1956]

Lizzie, I hope you have a wonderful visit with your grandchild.  There is nothing wrong with a child seeing tears of joy.  She knows she is loved..that is all that matters :)

[Dee1956]

Hi there Lizzy, I wanted to say that I know how you feel.  My son moved away 10 years ago.  I rarely hear from him.  10 months ago he told me that he was no longer my son.  It has been awful, just awful.
I decided that I would continue to tell him that I love him in any way that I could.  I figure he must be going through some things himself and just can't take the time to talk to me.  It hurts a lot.  I try to busy myself with other things so that I don't think about it all the time.

Thirdtimemum, I do think that all children go through a rebellious stage.  My first started at 12, my second I was lucky enough to have him for 15 years before all of a sudden he no longer wanted me around.
They do come back, for the most part.  Could he be jealous of the new baby? or your relationship with your partner?
Just wondering as I have seen this dynamic in others where the son is pretty much the man of the family until someone else comes along.  Then they feel displaced.  Just a thought, I am not saying this happened in your case.  I hope you can find some comfort that you raised him to the age he is and that he loves you very much.  Others are right that this is the honey moon period with his Dad and as time goes on he may see that living with you was better,  Telling his sister to enjoy her home may have been a sign that he is jealous that she gets to go home.
Again, just thinking outloud

Take care, both of you
Dee

[thirdtimemum]

I hope you have a wonderful time with your grand daughter, just keep positive and try and focus on all the good in your life.....I know it's hard, my god, I have had days where the knife has been buried so deep within me I fear I may never get it out, but it's true, staying positive really helps you get through it. Every bit of drama I have had go on in my life has made me just that little bit stronger, and I swear, there's been ALOT! Actually, when no think back now over it all, I can't believe I'm still here and standing, but I am. I'm not quite up to date on what it means to be bi polar, but having a clear, strong positive headspace certainly helps in these trying times. Maybe channel your focus and positivity on your grand daughter, since your children obviously don't want to be on the receiving end of it, and think how wonderful and what a blessing it is to have her in your life. And like you have commented before, talking to others about it and gaining advice is wonderful, I am very glad for the support network around me that offer wonderful advice in my tough situations, I hope you have the same :)

[Lizzytish1313]

No, they don't have children. My daughter-in-law is in poor health. She's over 40 and obese. My daughter has a daughter, but she lost custody due to her drug addiction. My granddaughter and her step-mom are flying in to visit me  tomorrow afternoon. I meet their flight at around noon.

[Lizzytish1313]

Such a nice post. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know it only too well. The hardest part, I think, is the memory of the love and closeness we all once shared. Now, my daughter has methadone and my son has a life that his wife doesn't want me to be part of. I have taken your advice so far and have stayed silent. I left two messages of "hi, how are you," and had one brief conversation with him as i mentioned above, but that's been it for two years. I sent cards and gifts the first year, and gave that up the second year, but I think I'll reprise that practice. That's good advice. Thanks for it.

[thirdtimemum]

Lizzytish, i feel for you, i really do. I kind of know where you are coming from, my son is only nearly 12, and i already feel he has abandoned me, 3 weeks ago he left me to go live with his father, and the attitude, everything seems to have changed already. I too question how children can just have total disregard to the parents who have given birth to them, raised and cared for them, and bore all financial responsibilities for them. It is beyond me, but like i say, my son is only 12, and i see how he is too young to comprehend this, but i can only imagine how it must feel for you having an adult son treat you like this. Sometimes, we'll never know the answer, and as heartbreaking and gut-wrenching as it is, we have to accept it and let it go. Does your son and his wife have children? Sometimes it takes until they are parents themselves to totally get this kind of situation. I know its hard, but just let them be, maybe one day when they are ready they will talk to you, but in the mean time, just do what you would normally do as a mum, call for birthdays and christmas, send cards or gifts, don't question anything, just let them know you remember them and you care. I am dealing with a young son who seems to want me to just get off his back and let him live happily with his father, which i totally support now, but he has just had a knife pulled out on him at his new school, and of course i was shocked and horrified, and have been ringing him out of concern to see if he is ok,(and never once did i say to come back home) but i am met with a tough little boy who says he is fine and happy and for me to stop worrying about him. Well i'm sorry, but mothers never stop caring, and even if he is distant and agitated on the phone to me, i always let him know i love him and miss him and he can call me at any time. Most of the time he doesn't.
I have a step father who has 2 adult sons who haven't spoken to him for 15 years, he has asked them a few times to talk about it and find out whats going on, but no one is willing to talk. There's nothing he can do about it, he has to wait until they are ready, and when they do, i know he will be there with open arms. It's so sad, it really is, but it does happen, and i wish you all the best lizzytish, just remember you are not alone.