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My son and daughter-in-law hate me
It's been two years. I've left them alone. I only called once to ask how they were and ended the conversation before it could turn to me for fear I'd start crying. See, if I start crying, he accuses me of drama, so I can't TALK to him about anything except how well THEY are doing in their new jobs and in their new location. I question my motives. Do I want them to acknowledge how horribly they've treated me? Yeah, sure, but that's not a good reason to try and reconnect. I am deeply hurt to be sure. Maybe I should forget I bred, bore, and raised this man and saw to his every need and to his education and supported him in ALL things. He had a computer when I wouldn't spare the money to buy one for myself; when he needed a car and I couldn't buy one for him, I gave him MY car and I bumped around in an antique pickup truck. I am so hurt that I don't know how to live these last years out ... I can't seem to forget and move on hard as I try. I busy myself, and I do have some friends, but I'm an inner mess one heartbeat at a time away from tears. Can anyone offer advice? How do I live like this?
Best Answer
Yes, we do for our children because they are our children, and we do for our parents because they are our parents. It's hard to explain to someone with your mindset that this is a two-sided human transaction and has always been so. You can argue with me if you wish, but I'm afraid what you're saying is indefensible.
I really think you've missed the point I was trying to make.
We do for our children because they are our children...........nothing more and nothing less.
I am sure there is a story behind this unfortunate situation with two sides.
If you are dialoguing with your son in this manner then I would say that is a problem.
I recommend you find a therapist soon and address your issues properly.
All the best.
We do for our children because they are our children...........nothing more and nothing less.
I am sure there is a story behind this unfortunate situation with two sides.
If you are dialoguing with your son in this manner then I would say that is a problem.
I recommend you find a therapist soon and address your issues properly.
All the best.
Thank you for your response. Of course I've sought therapy. I'm 68 and bi-polar. Nobody in that demographic has avoided therapy. I'm happy to have had over the years a few really good therapists. I'm looking for one of those now.
I never said my son "owes" me. (You put that word in quotation marks. Who are you quoting?) I don't consider it a debt ... it's much greater than a debt. It's a moral obligation. My father cared for and about his mother. I think he did that out of a sense of duty, and I see nothing wrong with that. I think he was pleased that he could. Similarly, I took care of my father when he was dying, and I'm glad for it because I did the right thing, and I don't have to look back at my Dad's last days with regret. A friend shared with me the specifics of her mother's death ... she was there, and she is glad for it. I don't think there's a parent alive who doesn't feel used up and spent in a world of sorrow when their child abandons them in their 60s and 70s. Trivializing that, and the amazing amount of sacrificing a single mother does is wrong and cruel.
My guess is that you are defending the adult child here for some personal reason, and in so doing you're defending the tendency in modern young people to abandon their elderly. The adult community I live in is full of abandoned elderly people. People who don't see much of their families ... don't hear from anyone for months at a time, and our culture has embraced this crazy idea that there is no need for a child to honor his mother and father after all. All the cultures that did so were wrong and misguided. The Bible? Forget that! You owe your parents nothing, so throw them out with your Christmas trash. Perfectly modern ... perfectly okay. Really, Londres70? Really? I foresee piles of regret in the future of a person who's turned their back on their elderly parent, and I see comfort and closure in the people who were loving and faithful in their parents' last years, months, and days.
I never said my son "owes" me. (You put that word in quotation marks. Who are you quoting?) I don't consider it a debt ... it's much greater than a debt. It's a moral obligation. My father cared for and about his mother. I think he did that out of a sense of duty, and I see nothing wrong with that. I think he was pleased that he could. Similarly, I took care of my father when he was dying, and I'm glad for it because I did the right thing, and I don't have to look back at my Dad's last days with regret. A friend shared with me the specifics of her mother's death ... she was there, and she is glad for it. I don't think there's a parent alive who doesn't feel used up and spent in a world of sorrow when their child abandons them in their 60s and 70s. Trivializing that, and the amazing amount of sacrificing a single mother does is wrong and cruel.
My guess is that you are defending the adult child here for some personal reason, and in so doing you're defending the tendency in modern young people to abandon their elderly. The adult community I live in is full of abandoned elderly people. People who don't see much of their families ... don't hear from anyone for months at a time, and our culture has embraced this crazy idea that there is no need for a child to honor his mother and father after all. All the cultures that did so were wrong and misguided. The Bible? Forget that! You owe your parents nothing, so throw them out with your Christmas trash. Perfectly modern ... perfectly okay. Really, Londres70? Really? I foresee piles of regret in the future of a person who's turned their back on their elderly parent, and I see comfort and closure in the people who were loving and faithful in their parents' last years, months, and days.
"How do I live like this?"......................
Well, you have done the first step; you have acknowledged the problem; that there is a problem.
Secondly, you need to come to the realization that you can't change someone, HOWEVER, you can change how you respond to them. You can't make them want to acknowledge they did anything wrong and perhaps they don't feel they are doing or have done anything wrong. Definitely don't reconnect expecting that to happen. You have to come to peace that you may never receive a "sorry" or an apology.
Thirdly, good mother sacrifice things for their children, but there shouldn't be conditions attached to the fact you "bred, bore and raised" him and/or that you've sacrificed this and that for him and now he "owes" you. You would hope a child would show appreciation for the sacrifices and all, but he isn't indebted to you. You shouldn't be making him feels he owes you or doing emotional blackmail.
Fourthly, have you ever sought therapy? What was the relationship like before all this distance between you two?
Well, you have done the first step; you have acknowledged the problem; that there is a problem.
Secondly, you need to come to the realization that you can't change someone, HOWEVER, you can change how you respond to them. You can't make them want to acknowledge they did anything wrong and perhaps they don't feel they are doing or have done anything wrong. Definitely don't reconnect expecting that to happen. You have to come to peace that you may never receive a "sorry" or an apology.
Thirdly, good mother sacrifice things for their children, but there shouldn't be conditions attached to the fact you "bred, bore and raised" him and/or that you've sacrificed this and that for him and now he "owes" you. You would hope a child would show appreciation for the sacrifices and all, but he isn't indebted to you. You shouldn't be making him feels he owes you or doing emotional blackmail.
Fourthly, have you ever sought therapy? What was the relationship like before all this distance between you two?
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