Please, I need an some opinions!

[beautifulbritty712]

I have been with my boyfriend on and off since I was 18 and I'm 22, but he's 35. His age doesn't bother me, but I think his relationship to the girl he was with before me made him so untrusting. He thinks all females lie and cheat, probably the same way I used to feel about guys before I met him. He doesn't act real jealous or anything like that or always accuse me of cheating, but we talk about everything and sometimes when we're talking this stuff comes up. He says he doesn't want to ever live with me because he thinks I'll "just get sick of him after a little while". He has 3 kids with his ex and used to only see them once a month or less. I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids? But recently since Ive been kind of pressuring him about this (I even told him I wouldn't let him be the father of my child so we would have to break up eventually) and now he's wanting to see his kids more. He has been taking them every other weekend and calling them during the week. But when I asked about his daughter's favorite color (her bday is this week and I wanted to get her a gift) he doesn't know. I asked what kinds of games she likes and what toys she likes and he doesn't know. I was able to tell him she likes baseball and soccer and I've only hung out with her a few times. He said he didn't know he was supposed to talk to his kids like that and I told him they're people too if he wants a good relationship with them when they're older they need to get closer now, so he said when they come over this weekend he'll actually talk to them instead of just going shopping and eating and letting them play etc. My questions are this- He seems like he's changing to be a really good dad and I've been thinking maybe this could be long term.... but do you think it's just because of my pressuring and maybe if we ended up with a kid and broken up he would be how he was before without me, or worse if he found a new girlfriend who didn't want him to be close with his kids? Or maybe he was reluctant to see his kids before because of his hurtful past with their mom? I am not naive, I don't believe in true love and I know people change, and while I can see myself being with him forever now, maybe he or I or both of us will be different in the future and not so compatible. We already fight a lot, but about stupid stuff and we usually only fight for a few minutes before we get over it. I am looking at this point for someone who will be a great dad to my child. I think if I plan to bring a kid into this world (which I'm not even positive about yet and would still be years in the future) it's my responsibility to give him the best life I can, including the best dad. I wouldn't really even care if I love the guy if I thought he would be a good enough dad, but do you think the guy I do love would turn out to be the father I hope for?

PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!

[SeriousSam]

Actually there are quite a few dads like yours but more often than not they are left broke, broken, and broken hearted by a very broken system that believes in the myth of maternal instinct, and sadly, a majority of mothers who put their desires on equal or greater par than the children's desires or needs.

So sadly in a more than unequal country where men have no rights they give up.

[beautifulbritty712]

Thank you that is how I feel, he is very tender towards me and I can definitely understand what he's going through with his ex. He seems like he really wants to be a good dad and really wants me to think of him as a good dad. I never told him he was a bad dad or anything like that, I've always told him he's a great dad. I don't want you to think I'm cutting him down. I just told him he's not like my dad, and I want my child to have a dad like mine. I love my dad more than anyone and he's always there for me. He's seen me through some very bad times and always does whatever he can for me and I talk to him about everything. We are so close and I just hope to find someone who will be close to their dad like I am with mine. If i told my dad today I really liked something but it's too expensive I would probably get it for christmas. My dad tried to get custody of me and my sister when my parents split up but didn't so he saw us every other weekend and on tuesdays and thursdays. I realize there are probably very few people like my dad out there and the chances of finding one are very slim, so I think I just answered my own question. If he's willing to even try to be a dad like that I think I need to at least let him have the chance. Thank you all, your opinions really helped me realize what a great guy I have, problems and all.

[beautifulbritty712]

Maybe I should have said more about our relationship. He is committed to me- we spend a lot of time together and talk a few times a day on the phone if we don't see eachother. I was in a very bad situation and doing very bad things when I met him and he kind of helped me out of it and took care of me until I got on my feet. Now I have a job and we work different shifts (I work 2nd, him 1st) and he will stay up until I get out of work when he used to go to bed an hour earlier so he can say goodnight to me. If he goes out with his kids while I'm sleeping when I wake up he asks what do you wanna eat? I'll go pick it up for you. If he doesn't have his kids to feed he'll wait for me to get up until he eats so we go together. If I call him and say I need a new outfit, shoes, clothes, new earrings, basically anything and need a few extra dollars he doesn't hesitate if he has the money. I also do a lot for him, I get paid the day before him, usually when he just put the last of his money in his gas tank, and when I go cash my check I go get him pop or an energy drink to bring to work and some chips or something and I'll leave him a few dollars to buy breakfast at work in the morning. This morning he had to work (yes on saturday), and because I am a night person and stay up usually all night, I cooked lunch for him then I picked up mcdonalds for breakfast and we ate together. He gave me a kiss and left for work. I prefer older men because I have seen and done more than most 22 year olds and have had enough instability in my life that I need someone who's already stable. My experience is that young guys haven't experienced enough and still want to do things that I wouldn't want my man doing. They're still unsure of what they want in life, like I still am, and may change their mind in a second. My boyfriend rarely drinks, and usually it's with me if he does, doesn't go to the bar ever, does no drugs and has already experimented with them and is not interested. When he hangs out with his friends he usually invites me to come, even if I don't. He asks me to get on the phone with his brothers who live out of state so I can get to know them. We talk about everything- our relationship, his kids, his and my past (which I really talk to no one else about) the things we want in life. Sometime we joke around if one of us won the lottery what we would buy eachother. We even talk about life and death and heaven and hell. He has told me he's never known anybody he talked to like he does me and I feel the same way. The way I see it, he is committed, he's a lot different than when I met him and he is trusting me more. I accept him how he is as long as he isn't always mean and accusing, which he is neither. I know people go through things that make them how they are and everyone is different. It's also not just women he doesn't trust, it is men too. He has a hard time trusting his friends I think he definitely trusts me more than them. He's told me things his ex did to him and if someone did that stuff to me I'd be untrusting in my next relationship too. I realize this is some baggage but I feel if we stay together we could work through it- and it's not like I don't come with my own baggage. I am bipolar and when sometimes my family can't even stand me he will deal with me and be there for me. Sometimes I get paranoid and think he's always lying to me and out to get me, which I do even with my sisters and parents, but he waits it through and will be there for me and hold me when I cry- even if it's him I'm mad at for no reason. Really we both have our issues but we've figured out how to work them out for the most part and how to deal with them. I think our relationship is as healthy as it can be between a bipolar person and someone who is emotionally damaged.

What I'm worried about is can he be a good dad? I don't want just a decent dad, which he's always been, I want my kid to feel he's got the best dad in the world. I should have mentioned also that while he was only seeing his 2 kids about once a month his third actually lived with him. Also, their mom rarely picked up the son who lived with his dad. He has always paid child support for the two but the third recently decided he misses his mom and wanted to live with her again. His dad was very hurt but I talked to him about how sometimes kids, especially if they were raised mostly by their mom, need their mom sometimes and he did not do it to hurt his dad and he needed to put his kid's wants and needs before his own. Which is what brought up the subject of him seeing his kids and me thinking I wanted a better dad for mine. Now he sees them every other week. We got them on the 4th and went to the fireworks. And as for not knowing his kids well, he was not raised like most of us. He's not american and where he came from they have no gas, no running water. They heated their house with a wood stove. He has had very little schooling because he had to start working at a young age, and I really think he just never learned from his dad how to interact with kids. He was raised in an environment that what you mostly worry about is how you'll buy your next meal. No govt help no medicaid. If someone got sick they could just die and nobody but their family would care because everyone is too worried about helping their own family survive. I see how he is from where he's from, but he seems like he wants to be a good dad to his kids. When I tell him what I think a good dad is, he tries to be that. I think there's more to being a dad than putting food on the table, which is what a dad does where he's from. What I want to know is without my influence and maybe if there was someone else influencing him differently would he stay a good dad? I can see he has changed but will he stay this way? I have no doubt if I had a kid with him in a few years he would do more than a lot of dads do. He'd be there financially and physically but I want more than that.

[SeriousSam]

TRUST.   This is what it all comes down to and as a guy who has been there somewhat, I think I'll throw some feedback in now.

Not having anything to do with your kids and not wanting to have more.

First of all it is difficult if you have an even vaguely disgruntled ex to have even mediocre access to ones kids and in a country where 85% of women say that they want their ex completely out of their lives, except for the money, it is a wonder that more men don't walk away from their kids after a divorce.

In this case it sounds like he had three kids with were with the same woman and I would guess that he had started to put distance between them probably so he couldn't be hurt again.  There is a reason that they say a divorce with kids is more stressful than a death psychologically and that is because a death has some degree of closure divorces have the same stress if your ex gets jollies out of it of a death stretched out over decades.

That having been said why would a man want to go throught that more than once?  I would let him know  that you understand his agony and see if he would be willing to look for a good counselor for MEN who specializes in divorce trauma.

So far as age, I can almost guarentee that most of the women on medhelp would have little problem with it were the sexes reversed.  Heck I'm in my thirties and I would rather have pockets dug under my skin and have salt placed in their before I would date a woman of my own race, of similar age!  American Caucasian women have a generally unhealthy attitude of the value and permanence of males. But that's just my general view of things. And BTW before anyone comments, I usually date women older than myself at least about the thirteen year age difference at this time of my life.  May change maybe not but at least the baggage is healthier and the women seem to not be quite self absorbed in general.

But back to trust.  He does talk to you about stuff that is generally hard for a guy to talk about, and I would suspect that he might even be somewhat tender emotionally to you.  (If you can comment on this it would be appreciated) but his self confidence seems really low and I would say he is probably afraid of the pain of having more kids and then being relegated to being a visitor in their lives.  If you care for him give him time and encourage him to talk to you and maybe see a counselor but don't be pushy about it at first.

LOL and regarding his daughters favorite color?  This year I couldn't tell you my youngest daughters and I gp with her to shop for clothes, shoes purses etc and even have made jewelry etc  with her.

One more thing?  There are no best dads, no best moms, but rather good listeners who think and then decide when or when not to compromise.  I wish you luck

[iam1butterfly]

One can't tell what the future holds.
So, you don't know if or how he'll change... for the better or for the worse.  
So, what you base yourself on is what you know, right now.
And, from what you described, you're with a man who's 13 years older than you
(which isn't too bad); is somewhat distrusting of a woman's fidelity (not a good thing); says that he doesn't "... want to ever live with [you]" (a negative thing); and has
3 children who he knows little of in terms of personalities (a sad but very telling thing).
My question to you is: why are you with this man?
I can see why he's with you... you're young, single with no children which equals no or little baggage.
But, him? He's got a lot of baggage. And, that's only what you know of him, now.
I say, look for someone who is closer to your age, who hasn't fathered and is presumably supporting 3 kids, and isn't so down on women and relationships.
You should be having fun; not saddled with the concerns of a man who doesn't appear to be much of a "match" or "catch."  

[vmvnpv]

The first BIG red flag to me is that he was 31 dating an 18 year old.  What does a 31 year old want with an 18 year old?  Why is he not seeing women his own age?  There's a reason he's not dating women his own age.  The same holds true for a 35 year old and a 22 year old.  You both are on way different pages.  You've hardly lived life and he's more experienced.  You want the things he's already had.  He's not looking for anything serious, hence why he's dating someone much younger than him and is not committing to you.  He's already had his kids.  He doesn't want any more.  That's his right and I think it's a good idea seeing as he doesn't pay much attention to the 3 he already has.  You need to move on to someone who wants the same things out of life as you do.  Someone you can experience things with for the first time.....together.  Not someone whose already been there, done that and has the baggage to prove it.